12th Step. Helping Others vs. Our Expectations.

[Signal30]

"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance." (Big Book, First Edition, Working With Others)


In my opinion, one of the most important parts of this chapter. We understand the importance of working with others. We understand that working with others is “the foundation stone of our recovery.” We become willing and eager to carry the message. There is always something else that we must keep in mind. We help others thorough Gods will, not expecting God to make sure the newcomer or “prospect” understands or cares enough to listen to our suggestions. We are excited to receive spiritual experiences, we get just as excited to see others have spiritual experience, but we cannot magically give the newcomer our sober way of life. It is very easy for us to assume our words to the newcomer will be the written word to get them sober. It is easy to assume that God will make them get it, because our intentions are right, and they must the words of God coming through our mouths.

It’s easy to get like that isn’t it? Expectations can easily turn to resentments when newcomer(s) don’t want what we have to offer. We must remember that THEY must have the willingness; they have the power to choose their path, not US! The grim fact is we may sponsor that newcomer that seems to have that willingness, but for whatever reason they go from working the program, to doing it their way, and going back out. They may leave the program, drink again, finally hit their bottom and come back. Or they may never come back and die from drinking or suicide from drinking, or a life sentence in prison from killing someone one else.

It is very easy to get disappointed and resentful when we think our help from God and our hearts fails when doing our best to help a newcomer. It sucks. But it’s NOT our fault! We should take the energy we have to help another who does obtain the willingness rather than blaming ourselves for what we think we should have done differently. We shall take the time to focus on what we learned from an experience with a newcomer that didn’t go as we hoped it would. That experience, even bad, can help our own sobriety, learning that our disease is brutal and help to maintain the fact that we must be 100% in the belief that we are powerless over alcohol. Remember nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Everything happens for a reason, even if we aren’t privileged to know it right away or even ever.

Many newcomers may choose not to do it our way, we must accept that. But if we choose to carry the message through Gods will, confiding with our sponsors to make sure our intentions are not self seeking, we will be successful with some, and watch that newcomer grow.


Tom

[Rob B]

Good post Tom,

I have sponsored a fair amount of guys, 2 are dead, many went back out ( they balked on their inventory and refused to practice 10-11,and wouldn't make ammends, they fell victims to widespread misconceptions as to what any lengths really looks like.

Three have recovered. These guys were desperate, the BB talks about how the more screwed you are the better your chances, I love AA paradoxes. When I first started sponsoring men I would get really upset when they went out. Several inventories later, I saw that it was self seeking on my part, playing God.

These days I try to show how I found God. If I stick to the Big Book and leave my opinions at the door, I don't worry about the results. I also make it clear that alcoholism is a fatal disease that will kill you if left untreated.

I do believe if I am not actively working with other people my spiritual fitness may weaken, so in that sense I consider it self preservation. Perhaps I do it for the same reason I drank, I like the effect it produces.

[1963comet]

Can only help those who want to help themselves.

[jimhere]

There is another thread about whether this is a selfish program or not. Twelfth-Step work of this type expects nothing in return. By this type, I mean a simple Twelfth-Step call.

I don't expect alcoholics to stay sober. That is a lot to ask of an alkie.

However if they do ask me to sponsor them, I do expect something. Surrender. Not to me, to the process. Beyond the membership requirement, there is another requirement that, although not mentioned, it is certainly implied. There is a requirement to living a spiritual life and it is called surrender. And since we don't know how to surrender to God, we surrender to a process that leads us to God.
Jim

[1cor13]

Thanks Tom great thread,

My only responsibility to the newcomer is a good presentation of the program. If the newcomer does nothing or argues, I do nothing but maintain my own sobriety. If the newcomer starts making progress, even a little, with an open mind, I’ll do everything I can for him in every way I can.

My sponsor made it very clear to me many years ago that if I chase them I kill them. My only aim is to be helpful, to be of service, to stay sober, and to extend a hand if they make it back.

[bballdad]

I learned I cannot take credit for their soberiety,and I can not take credit for them getting drunk

[best]

The message was shared.
3 months go by.
The message was shared again.
another collection of days and months go by.
The message was shared again.
and still no sign from me that I was accepting any of it.

A year passed by and every word that Jim ever told me had rolled around in my thoughts for that year.
Jim didn't see the change happen in me till we met up again about 6 months later. I sat beside Jim at the table. I lifted my glass and said...rum n coke minus the rum. He asked where I was going to gather my answers and solutions? What program are you using?
I replied with... The program that You, Jim, shared with me over time.

We may not see any sign that pople are accepting of the message but we can be sure that seeds always get planted.