Sponsor Options
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Southern California
Posts: 174
Sponsor Options
So I've had a sponsor for about six months now. But there are a few problems.
1. He was not anywhere near my first choice. He leads a small meeting that's grown smaller and smaller because of his...leadership style...and personal opinions. Not necessarily his fault-- some people want loose, free-flowing meetings and some want absolute structure.
2. I've fallen off the wagon and gotten back on about a month ago, but haven't spoken nor seen him in at least three months. I feel like I should call him, but really I have zero desire to.
Should I just tell him, and find a new sponsor-- someone I "click" with a bit better? Should I stick with him because he's my original sponsor and has only been nice? Has anyone had an online sponsor and had it work successfully?
I appreciate any input-- I'm just not sure what I should do nor what all my options are. I don't even like the idea of having a sponsor!
Thank you guys!
All the best,
B'sT
1. He was not anywhere near my first choice. He leads a small meeting that's grown smaller and smaller because of his...leadership style...and personal opinions. Not necessarily his fault-- some people want loose, free-flowing meetings and some want absolute structure.
2. I've fallen off the wagon and gotten back on about a month ago, but haven't spoken nor seen him in at least three months. I feel like I should call him, but really I have zero desire to.
Should I just tell him, and find a new sponsor-- someone I "click" with a bit better? Should I stick with him because he's my original sponsor and has only been nice? Has anyone had an online sponsor and had it work successfully?
I appreciate any input-- I'm just not sure what I should do nor what all my options are. I don't even like the idea of having a sponsor!
Thank you guys!
All the best,
B'sT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
First off, any alcoholic is going to balk at structure. Free flowwing??? That's what it was in the bars with the booze. I'd stay as far away as possible from those who want to free flow.
Did you ever consider that if you'd called your sponsor during that three month period, maybe your wouldn't have gone back out? I was told, and I tell my pigeons to call me before they drink, not after.
I think you should call him and own up to what you did. Then tell him how you really feel about him and his opinions, and the way he leads meetings. That's called getting honest. Then take it from there.
Did you ever consider that if you'd called your sponsor during that three month period, maybe your wouldn't have gone back out? I was told, and I tell my pigeons to call me before they drink, not after.
I think you should call him and own up to what you did. Then tell him how you really feel about him and his opinions, and the way he leads meetings. That's called getting honest. Then take it from there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Every sponsor does it differently in one way or another. Whats important is that he shares his experience strength, and hope. Also help you with your step work, and the first 164 pages of the Big Book.
The way I sponsor is pretty much the way my sponsor worked with me. If I come in contact with a newcomer, I do the following.
If they come up to me and asked about being sponsored, I sit down with them and ask them questions. Why do you think your an alcoholic? Are you willing? Are you ready to make your sobriety your top priority? etc. I look over the Chapter Working With Others to make sure I am in the right direction to assist.
After we talk I give them my phone number, tell them to think it over, and then call me when they are ready.
If they call, I talk to them for a little bit, telling them to call me every day. I then set up a day and time to meet with them and the step work begins.
One of the things I make sure they know is that this is not a program to merely try. If they are trying to work the program to fit them, they are not working the program correctly. Selfishness and self seeking intentions fail, and they fail completely in AA.
If the newcomer in AA seeks a solution, then they should be willing to go to any length to get it. The first thing they need to do is listen. If that is structured to you, then I guess I sponsor with structure. I go with what works.
Many of us obtain the willingness when we hit our real bottom. We are at the point of ending it all. When we tire of trying it our way, out of desperation our ears tend to open up.
Tom
The way I sponsor is pretty much the way my sponsor worked with me. If I come in contact with a newcomer, I do the following.
If they come up to me and asked about being sponsored, I sit down with them and ask them questions. Why do you think your an alcoholic? Are you willing? Are you ready to make your sobriety your top priority? etc. I look over the Chapter Working With Others to make sure I am in the right direction to assist.
After we talk I give them my phone number, tell them to think it over, and then call me when they are ready.
If they call, I talk to them for a little bit, telling them to call me every day. I then set up a day and time to meet with them and the step work begins.
One of the things I make sure they know is that this is not a program to merely try. If they are trying to work the program to fit them, they are not working the program correctly. Selfishness and self seeking intentions fail, and they fail completely in AA.
If the newcomer in AA seeks a solution, then they should be willing to go to any length to get it. The first thing they need to do is listen. If that is structured to you, then I guess I sponsor with structure. I go with what works.
Many of us obtain the willingness when we hit our real bottom. We are at the point of ending it all. When we tire of trying it our way, out of desperation our ears tend to open up.
Tom
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I did try to sponsor on line with several women.
I was the only one who stayed sober.
Have you read the official AA pamphlet
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"?
I fire sponsees who do not follow directions.
I ask for a more solid connection
than you gave your sponsor.
I bet he did not say
"Call me every 3 months"
How someone chairs a meeting has
nothing to do with sponsorship.
That is a meatter for the guidelines
of the group...as expressed by a Group Concious.
Good to know you are not drinking...
I was the only one who stayed sober.
Have you read the official AA pamphlet
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"?
I fire sponsees who do not follow directions.
I ask for a more solid connection
than you gave your sponsor.
I bet he did not say
"Call me every 3 months"
How someone chairs a meeting has
nothing to do with sponsorship.
That is a meatter for the guidelines
of the group...as expressed by a Group Concious.
Good to know you are not drinking...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Yorkshire, England.
Posts: 11
I am having trouble finding a suitable sponsor. I am looking for someone who follows the first 164 pages pretty much to the letter but so far I've struggled to find someone. Each person seems to have their own idea of how to work a particular step (sometimes very different to the instructions in the Big Book).
I have located a primary purpose group that is a bus/train ride from where I live. I am going to check it out next week.
I have located a primary purpose group that is a bus/train ride from where I live. I am going to check it out next week.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Good for you
Originally Posted by Diggler 
I am having trouble finding a suitable sponsor. I am looking for someone who follows the first 164 pages pretty much to the letter but so far I've struggled to find someone. Each person seems to have their own idea of how to work a particular step (sometimes very different to the instructions in the Big Book).
I have located a primary purpose group that is a bus/train ride from where I live. I am going to check it out next week.
I have located a primary purpose group that is a bus/train ride from where I live. I am going to check it out next week.
jim
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
BT,
I never ever liked the idea of having a sponser either. In fact when I got out of the 6 month recovery home in 1991, I was in I never got one cuz you see I was "healed and cured" and I didn't "need" meetings or a sponser. Well, it worked for 8 yrs, however since I had no accountablity to work the steps or be honest, and since I married a non-alcoholic, I just did my own thing. I have had many long stretches of sober time over the past few years, but one pattern I did see developing was my sober time was getting shorter and shorter.
I finally started going back to meetings...... AND, I got a sponser! yay! However, some things about her bug me. She likes to come over here on sunday afternoons and wants to read aloud to me the book. I don't get to take a turn.....But with my 21 days clean and sober I need to just get over myself and just do it. She has 5 years clean and sober and it working an honest program.
Whatever you decide, just remember you need to find someone who will help you. Don't be switching it up just to suit yourself. You have to be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay clean and sober. If you really want to stay clean and sober, then get busy and don't say you do not need a sponser. I kind of wanted one way back when, but I was always searching for the "perfect sponser" guess what?? they do not exist! We are a bunch of humans with issues so a perfect one just isn't out there! I put it off and put it off searching for someone half heartedly who did not exist.
Keep on keeping on! You have 5 months now, if you want to see a year, then get busy! Please don't make all the mistakes I made trying to do things my way. I did not expect 20 years later in and out of this program to have only 21 days clean and sober, but I am grateful I FINALLY got a sponser 2 weeks ago and am clean and sober today. :-)
Blessings, Sheila
I never ever liked the idea of having a sponser either. In fact when I got out of the 6 month recovery home in 1991, I was in I never got one cuz you see I was "healed and cured" and I didn't "need" meetings or a sponser. Well, it worked for 8 yrs, however since I had no accountablity to work the steps or be honest, and since I married a non-alcoholic, I just did my own thing. I have had many long stretches of sober time over the past few years, but one pattern I did see developing was my sober time was getting shorter and shorter.
I finally started going back to meetings...... AND, I got a sponser! yay! However, some things about her bug me. She likes to come over here on sunday afternoons and wants to read aloud to me the book. I don't get to take a turn.....But with my 21 days clean and sober I need to just get over myself and just do it. She has 5 years clean and sober and it working an honest program.
Whatever you decide, just remember you need to find someone who will help you. Don't be switching it up just to suit yourself. You have to be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay clean and sober. If you really want to stay clean and sober, then get busy and don't say you do not need a sponser. I kind of wanted one way back when, but I was always searching for the "perfect sponser" guess what?? they do not exist! We are a bunch of humans with issues so a perfect one just isn't out there! I put it off and put it off searching for someone half heartedly who did not exist.
Keep on keeping on! You have 5 months now, if you want to see a year, then get busy! Please don't make all the mistakes I made trying to do things my way. I did not expect 20 years later in and out of this program to have only 21 days clean and sober, but I am grateful I FINALLY got a sponser 2 weeks ago and am clean and sober today. :-)
Blessings, Sheila
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Whatever you decide, just remember you need to find someone who will help you. Don't be switching it up just to suit yourself. You have to be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay clean and sober. If you really want to stay clean and sober, then get busy and don't say you do not need a sponser. I kind of wanted one way back when, but I was always searching for the "perfect sponser" guess what?? they do not exist! We are a bunch of humans with issues so a perfect one just isn't out there! I put it off and put it off searching for someone half heartedly who did not exist
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You show you are in Southern California. There are plenty of suitable sponsors. I know, that is where I got sober.
Branch out, there are meetings all over. Find some structured meetings that talk program, listen to the shares, look for someone who walks the way they talk, (some of their shares might actually tee you off a bit) and ask one of them to sponsor you.
As Carol said read the pamphlet about sponsorship. A sponsor is a guide. When I ask my sponsor to sponsor me, she explained that her job was to show me what was in the BB of AA and how to apply it to MY LIFE. I called her every day, whether I wanted to or not, because she was my connection to sobriety. Later, much later as our relationship grew we became very very close.
A sponsor cannot help you if 1. you are not honest with your sponsor and 2. if you have no contact with your sponsor.
You have to make the choices, are you now willing to go to any lengths to stay sober??
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Branch out, there are meetings all over. Find some structured meetings that talk program, listen to the shares, look for someone who walks the way they talk, (some of their shares might actually tee you off a bit) and ask one of them to sponsor you.
As Carol said read the pamphlet about sponsorship. A sponsor is a guide. When I ask my sponsor to sponsor me, she explained that her job was to show me what was in the BB of AA and how to apply it to MY LIFE. I called her every day, whether I wanted to or not, because she was my connection to sobriety. Later, much later as our relationship grew we became very very close.
A sponsor cannot help you if 1. you are not honest with your sponsor and 2. if you have no contact with your sponsor.
You have to make the choices, are you now willing to go to any lengths to stay sober??
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Wow some great advice!
One thing I will add is that I learn just as much from my sponsee as I learned from my sponsor, my sponsor is one of those where if it is not in the BB it is not program!!!
That being said my sponsor who has 19 years sober and has sponsored a ton of people says that he is still learning, that every time he goes through the steps with a sponsee he learns something new from the BB.
I can tell you that when I first started through the steps I thought I knew what the BB said, well I didn't, I was given a better understanding of it from my sponsor, I gain a better understanding of it taking my sponsee through the steps and continue to gain more through doing a step study with my sponsor and about 6 other guys.
The steps should be done as spelled out in the BB, but every sponsors method of taking a sponsee through the steps as written in the BB is not exactly the same.
One thing I will add is that I learn just as much from my sponsee as I learned from my sponsor, my sponsor is one of those where if it is not in the BB it is not program!!!
That being said my sponsor who has 19 years sober and has sponsored a ton of people says that he is still learning, that every time he goes through the steps with a sponsee he learns something new from the BB.
I can tell you that when I first started through the steps I thought I knew what the BB said, well I didn't, I was given a better understanding of it from my sponsor, I gain a better understanding of it taking my sponsee through the steps and continue to gain more through doing a step study with my sponsor and about 6 other guys.
The steps should be done as spelled out in the BB, but every sponsors method of taking a sponsee through the steps as written in the BB is not exactly the same.
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