Eliminating self-pity - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

RufusACanal · 01-15-2008, 05:47 AM

Eliminating self-pity

This emotion is so ugly that no one in his or her right mind wants to admit feeling it. Even when sober, many of us remain clever at hiding from ourselves the fact that we are astew in a mess of self-pity. We do not like at all being told that it shows, and we are sharp at arguing that we are experiencing some other emotion — not that loathsome poor-me-ism. Or we can, in a second, find a baker's dozen of perfectly legitimate reasons for feeling somewhat sorry for ourselves.

Hanging over us long after detoxification is the comfortably familiar feeling of suffering. Self-pity is an enticing swamp. Sinking into it takes so much less effort than hope, or faith, or just plain moving.

One form self-pity takes in some of us when we first get sober is: "Poor me! Why can't I drink like everybody else?" (Everybody?) "Why does this have to happen to me? Why do 1 have to be an alcoholic? Why me?"

Such thinking is a great ticket to a barroom, but that's about all. Crying over that unanswerable question is like weeping because we were born in this era, not another, or on this planet, rather than in some other galaxy.

Friends can be a great help if they're close enough that we can talk openly with each other. They can hear the false note in our song of sorrow and call us on it. Or we ourselves may hear it; we begin to get our true feelings sorted out by the simple means of expressing them aloud.

Another excellent weapon is humor. Some of the biggest belly laughs at A.A. meetings erupt when a member describes his or her own latest orgy of self-pity, and we listeners find ourselves looking into a fun-house mirror. There we are grown men and women tangled up in the emotional diaper of an infant. It may be a shock, but the shared laughter takes a lot of the pain out of it, and the final effect is salutary.

splendra · 01-15-2008, 07:17 AM

((((RufusA)))))

Thanks for this great post! You are so right self-pity will keep us in the bar or stuck in our stuff...

Tazman53 · 01-15-2008, 07:59 AM

You know self pity is one thing that my HP has truly blessed me on, I have been able for reasons I can not explain (Steps & HP), to catch myself the second that caca pops into my pumpkin head, I refuse to do anything except examine my part in any problem I have. Does that mean I do not procastinate in resolving it? No sadly I still have a good bit of work to do on that on, but knowing my part in it I stay off the pity pot 90-95% of the time. Now when I was drinking I used to love to sit on the pity pot and let the whole world know just how unjustly and unfairly the whole world was to poor little old me!!!!

RufusACanal · 01-15-2008, 08:10 AM

I can take no credit....all from the little book, "Living Sober".

Rowan · 01-15-2008, 08:42 AM

I've been mired in a bit of self-pity of late and needed the reminder. Thanks for the post.

sugErspun · 01-15-2008, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

They can hear the false note in our song of sorrow and call us on it.

Ooooh...are we sure we want to call people out on their self-pity?

Seems to stir the pot around these parts!

RufusACanal · 01-15-2008, 10:37 AM

No personal references mentioned, simply a reading I completed on Self Pity from "Living Sober" this morning; it really helped me get a grip on my place for the day.

bravenewworld · 01-15-2008, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

No personal references mentioned, simply a reading I completed on Self Pity from "Living Sober" this morning; it really helped me get a grip on my place for the day.

Thank you for the posts. Self-disgust with my unending pity parties is one of the reasons I WILL quit.

RufusACanal · 01-15-2008, 11:43 AM

braveneworld, Welcome to SR!

bravenewworld · 01-16-2008, 07:52 AM

Good morning Tazman. Today is day 3 for me and I'm too sick to indulge in self-pity today. At the moment I'm just glad to be here. Done a lot of soul searching and realize that only I am responsible for my mess and only I can fix it. However, having others to talk to that have been where I am now helps. Thanks for the posts.

sugErspun · 01-16-2008, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bravenewworld

Done a lot of soul searching and realize that only I am responsible for my mess and only I can fix it.

I thought for years that 'I' could fix the problem. And kept getting drunk, with no good explanation as to why.

Then I was offered a solution that actually works.

It has very little to do with 'me'.

***nandm*** · 01-16-2008, 11:51 AM

Thanks Rufus

Zanthos · 01-16-2008, 06:06 PM

Self-pity sucks. Really opened my eyes to learn that it was a character defect, a combination of self-centeredness, pride and fear all rolled into one. And that it is a barrier to my recovery so long as I indulge in it.

Now when I feel self-pity, I just laugh at how ridiculous I'm being!

bravenewworld · 01-16-2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zanthos

Self-pity sucks. Really opened my eyes to learn that it was a character defect, a combination of self-centeredness, pride and fear all rolled into one. And that it is a barrier to my recovery so long as I indulge in it.

Now when I feel self-pity, I just laugh at how ridiculous I'm being!

Ditto.

When I feel the pity party coming on - I stop and ask myself why? What is REALLY going on? With me it is usually pride and fear.

barb dwyer · 01-17-2008, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Some of the biggest belly laughs at A.A. meetings erupt when a member describes his or her own latest orgy of self-pity, and we listeners find ourselves looking into a fun-house mirror.

like that.
stealing it.

FOTFLOL

sugErspun · 01-17-2008, 09:09 AM

I need self pity.

It starts up - I can recognize it today (or more likely - someone will point it out)

I get up off my arse to do something about it. Either asking for help - or helping someone else. God usually puts someone that needs my help in my path...or so it seems.

My character defects show up and I know today that something is not right - I begin to pray, ask for guidance, and take action. When I don't need them anymore, when they are not useful to me or others, I have faith they will be removed.

I have no power to work on them, fix them , cope with them...

Powerless.

RufusACanal · 01-17-2008, 12:13 PM

Sug,

I do not agree. This reminds me of the argument of delineation between Government and the Church. For me powerlessness is not an excuse; there are many things I am responsible for as a human being, namely behaviors and feelings.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

sugErspun · 01-17-2008, 12:37 PM

So you are saying that my experience is not correct?

I started feeling pity for myself. I called my sponsor to talk, he told me to pray. I prayed. The phone rang, it was a newcomer who wanted a ride to a meeting. I picked him up and went. My self pity was no longer a concern.

If I hadn't called my sponsor, I wouldn't have prayed, if I didn't pray, I wouldn't have been open to that phone call (would have sent to voicemail). I would just be stuck in my self pity.

Like they say - nothing like a good case of depression to get an alcoholic off his butt and do something about it.

I do not see the correalation to church and state.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Nowhere do I see that I am to 'work' on my defects of character. I am to identify them, be willing to let them go, and ask God to take them away as he sees fit. If he does quickly or slowly, it is not of my concern.

But if they are still there and get me more involved in helping someone else then where is the harm done?

It's all about harm.

RufusACanal · 01-17-2008, 01:05 PM

Forgive me if I was not clear, I used the singular, me in my remarks. I appreciate your self-evaluation, though I have found for me that I can readily diminish feeling self pity by recognizing gratitude in my life or becoming fearful and applying faith as examples. For me, justifying the ends does not make it so. I am responsible today. Powerless does not give me a blank check for dependency on God for Him to do those life tasks I am to do; however recognition of powerlessness is a signal that I am deficient in a certain area and need to respond accordingly. I do not need self pity in any form in my new life; it serves no good purpose.

sugErspun · 01-17-2008, 01:09 PM

God is either everything or He is nothing. God either is or He isn't.

What was our choice to be?

That is what it all boils down to for me.

Thanks for clearing that up Rufus - me thinks we are speaking of the same thing using different wording. If you are using self pity to bring up gratitude - then thank God for that self pity - It led to gratitude!!!!

01-15-2008, 05:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	Eliminating self-pity Eliminating self-pity This emotion is so ugly that no one in his or her right mind wants to admit feeling it. Even when sober, many of us remain clever at hiding from ourselves the fact that we are astew in a mess of self-pity. We do not like at all being told that it shows, and we are sharp at arguing that we are experiencing some other emotion — not that loathsome poor-me-ism. Or we can, in a second, find a baker's dozen of perfectly legitimate reasons for feeling somewhat sorry for ourselves. Hanging over us long after detoxification is the comfortably familiar feeling of suffering. Self-pity is an enticing swamp. Sinking into it takes so much less effort than hope, or faith, or just plain moving. One form self-pity takes in some of us when we first get sober is: "Poor me! Why can't I drink like everybody else?" (Everybody?) "Why does this have to happen to me? Why do 1 have to be an alcoholic? Why me?" Such thinking is a great ticket to a barroom, but that's about all. Crying over that unanswerable question is like weeping because we were born in this era, not another, or on this planet, rather than in some other galaxy. Friends can be a great help if they're close enough that we can talk openly with each other. They can hear the false note in our song of sorrow and call us on it. Or we ourselves may hear it; we begin to get our true feelings sorted out by the simple means of expressing them aloud. Another excellent weapon is humor. Some of the biggest belly laughs at A.A. meetings erupt when a member describes his or her own latest orgy of self-pity, and we listeners find ourselves looking into a fun-house mirror. There we are grown men and women tangled up in the emotional diaper of an infant. It may be a shock, but the shared laughter takes a lot of the pain out of it, and the final effect is salutary.

01-15-2008, 07:17 AM	#2 (permalink)
splendra the girl can't help it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: splendraville Posts: 5,495 Blog Entries: 3	((((RufusA))))) Thanks for this great post! You are so right self-pity will keep us in the bar or stuck in our stuff... __________________ nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

01-15-2008, 07:59 AM	#3 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 9,745	You know self pity is one thing that my HP has truly blessed me on, I have been able for reasons I can not explain (Steps & HP), to catch myself the second that caca pops into my pumpkin head, I refuse to do anything except examine my part in any problem I have. Does that mean I do not procastinate in resolving it? No sadly I still have a good bit of work to do on that on, but knowing my part in it I stay off the pity pot 90-95% of the time. Now when I was drinking I used to love to sit on the pity pot and let the whole world know just how unjustly and unfairly the whole world was to poor little old me!!!! __________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

01-16-2008, 11:51 AM	#12 (permalink)
*nandm* Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is Posts: 6,579	Thanks Rufus __________________ NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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01-15-2008, 08:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	I can take no credit....all from the little book, "Living Sober".

01-15-2008, 08:42 AM	#5 (permalink)
Rowan Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 12,138	I've been mired in a bit of self-pity of late and needed the reminder. Thanks for the post.

01-15-2008, 10:37 AM	#7 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	No personal references mentioned, simply a reading I completed on Self Pity from "Living Sober" this morning; it really helped me get a grip on my place for the day.

01-15-2008, 11:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	braveneworld, Welcome to SR!

01-16-2008, 07:52 AM	#10 (permalink)
bravenewworld Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 20	Good morning Tazman. Today is day 3 for me and I'm too sick to indulge in self-pity today. At the moment I'm just glad to be here. Done a lot of soul searching and realize that only I am responsible for my mess and only I can fix it. However, having others to talk to that have been where I am now helps. Thanks for the posts.

01-16-2008, 06:06 PM	#13 (permalink)
Zanthos Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Scottsdale, AZ Posts: 231	Self-pity sucks. Really opened my eyes to learn that it was a character defect, a combination of self-centeredness, pride and fear all rolled into one. And that it is a barrier to my recovery so long as I indulge in it. Now when I feel self-pity, I just laugh at how ridiculous I'm being!

01-17-2008, 09:09 AM	#16 (permalink)
sugErspun Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,694	I need self pity. It starts up - I can recognize it today (or more likely - someone will point it out) I get up off my arse to do something about it. Either asking for help - or helping someone else. God usually puts someone that needs my help in my path...or so it seems. My character defects show up and I know today that something is not right - I begin to pray, ask for guidance, and take action. When I don't need them anymore, when they are not useful to me or others, I have faith they will be removed. I have no power to work on them, fix them , cope with them... Powerless.

01-17-2008, 12:13 PM	#17 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	Sug, I do not agree. This reminds me of the argument of delineation between Government and the Church. For me powerlessness is not an excuse; there are many things I am responsible for as a human being, namely behaviors and feelings. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

01-17-2008, 12:37 PM	#18 (permalink)
sugErspun Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,694	So you are saying that my experience is not correct? I started feeling pity for myself. I called my sponsor to talk, he told me to pray. I prayed. The phone rang, it was a newcomer who wanted a ride to a meeting. I picked him up and went. My self pity was no longer a concern. If I hadn't called my sponsor, I wouldn't have prayed, if I didn't pray, I wouldn't have been open to that phone call (would have sent to voicemail). I would just be stuck in my self pity. Like they say - nothing like a good case of depression to get an alcoholic off his butt and do something about it. I do not see the correalation to church and state. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Nowhere do I see that I am to 'work' on my defects of character. I am to identify them, be willing to let them go, and ask God to take them away as he sees fit. If he does quickly or slowly, it is not of my concern. But if they are still there and get me more involved in helping someone else then where is the harm done? It's all about harm.

01-17-2008, 01:05 PM	#19 (permalink)
RufusACanal Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 1,927	Forgive me if I was not clear, I used the singular, me in my remarks. I appreciate your self-evaluation, though I have found for me that I can readily diminish feeling self pity by recognizing gratitude in my life or becoming fearful and applying faith as examples. For me, justifying the ends does not make it so. I am responsible today. Powerless does not give me a blank check for dependency on God for Him to do those life tasks I am to do; however recognition of powerlessness is a signal that I am deficient in a certain area and need to respond accordingly. I do not need self pity in any form in my new life; it serves no good purpose.

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01-17-2008, 01:09 PM	#20 (permalink)
sugErspun Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,694	God is either everything or He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be? That is what it all boils down to for me. Thanks for clearing that up Rufus - me thinks we are speaking of the same thing using different wording. If you are using self pity to bring up gratitude - then thank God for that self pity - It led to gratitude!!!!