Living Sober - Live and Let Live

[RufusACanal]

"Live and Let Live"
The old saying "Live and Let Live" seems so commonplace, it is easy to overlook its value. Of course, one reason it has been said over and over for years is that it has proved beneficial in so many ways.

To begin to put the concept of "Live and Let Live" into practice, we must face this fact: there are people in A.A., and everywhere else, who sometimes say things we disagree with, or do things we don't like. Learning to live with differences is essential to our comfort.

In fact, in A.A. much emphasis is placed on learning how to tolerate other people's behaviour. However offensive or distasteful it may seem to us, it is certainly not worth drinking about. Our own recovery is too important. Alcoholism can and does kill, we recall.

We have learned it pays to make a very special effort to try to understand other people, especially anyone who rubs us the wrong way. For our recovery, it is more important to understand than to be understood. This is not very difficult if we bear in mind that the other A.A. members too, are trying to understand, just as we are.

When we spend time with people we like, we are less annoyed by those we don't particularly care for. As time goes on, we find we are not afraid simply to walk away from people who irritate us, instead of meekly letting them get under our skin, or instead of trying to straighten them out just so they will suit us better.

Live! Be concerned with your own living.

[mike_mass]

Wise advice.

[RufusACanal]

Of late, I have interacted with several postings here that were extremely unhealthy and contentious. Amazingly, I continue to be unable to change others. I can only change myself through active daily inventory and action. This acknowledgement is a declarative personal acceptance that my way no longer works. Ongoing recognition of this hurdle is especially necessary for every recovered man or woman who after doing everything in the hand of a greater power to realize the psychic change will be lulled back once again into believing that we have all of the answers; that we each have power.

Power is for others. I am unashamed to display my powerlessness before God and man today. Why? My personal life experience shows that power corrupts me. Your answer may be different. I am first a Recovered Alcoholic Man; Alcoholism will always be the filter that everything else in life must pass through on its way to my senses; everything.

So, if I am unable to change others, regardless of how long I have been sober or how much knowledge I have acquired or how much life experience and I am also powerless over everything but myself, why am I at odds with others?

Back in 1999, I was working for a Family owned Funeral Home company in the Midwest. I was once again not drinking and going to meetings when one day I found myself in the parking lot of the Funeral Home angrier than words can easily describe. Everyone was wrong in my life and everything was someone else’s fault. Anything I have mistakenly done was a direct result of someone else’s failure. Then something miraculous happened. A thought came to me for the first time ever, maybe no one was at fault and all of the wrongs and failures and mistakes were mine. I was not the Power, God was, I was not the level of truth for others, God was, I was not the example, God was. My life began to slowly change that day. It was only a feeble start as I was to go through many more events and situations as I came to confront the wreckage of my past. I received several gifts from a greater power that day; Acceptance of Self, Live and let others live. Though a feeble start, I now know when I am not right with my Creator and where the good path is. I now have the ability to get back on the path.

[Treasure2Find]

Based on yesterdays thread and after much needed research I have come up with the following.

I take people through the steps and once I do we cover the rest of the book. Dr. Silkworth told Bill Wilson that he couldn’t sober anyone up because his white light experience scares everyone and that he sounded like he was preaching. Dr. Silkworth suggested to Bill that he use the tool of medical hoplesness. He said why don’t you talk about that allergy they have and the obsession that makes them keep on drinking. Maybe when you punch it into them hard it will deflate them enough so that they will find what you found. With saying that Bill went over to Bob’s house and tried this approach its effectiveness is clearly written on the faces of millions of alcoholics around the world. Hence the Dr’s Opinion was born. Had someone else not tried to drive this home to me and had I not had a willingness to remedy my own defects I would not have known this.

BB 118
Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.

[Tazman53]

Good topic rufus, one we can all learn from.

I have heard the expression AA bullies from newcomers and old timers alike, and that is one thing I pray I never become, I do catch my self trying to bully the bully, by taking the very BB they are trying to beat others with and punching right back with it! Thank God it is progress and not perfection.

AA bullies are very easy to see, they are the ones holding up thier years of sobriety as though it is a rank of some sort, as though this makes them right, they talk down to others with less time then them saying they know the BB better then any one with less time then them, that their way of taking a newcomer through the steps is "The Way" because they were taken through the steps that way and they have more years of sobriety then some one else.

I love the old timers who are humble, they share that when they quit learning and feel they are the expert in AA and the BB that they are drawing closer to picking up a drink. I have seen people with 27 years in the rooms go out in the short time I have been in the rooms! These are men who when I heard them share I listened, but it turned out they were sharing good stuff but not living it any more.

I listen to the old timers, the humble ones, I need to work on remaining teachable as they say, I need to be aware I am not an expert on AA and never will be, a guy with 36 years always shares that he is thankful for new comers shares because many times he learns something about the BB or the program he had either forgotten or had really never seen before.

Time sober and even full memorazation of the BB do not equal sobriety, walking the walk does.

[miss communicat]

oftentimes, "living and Letting Live" is essential for more than my personal sanity. It actually allows grace to enter in to the situation, whatever "the" situation appears to me to be.

When I think I am the hero, rescuer, noble fixer, authority and expert on "the" situation, I am setting several enerrgies into stronger momentum:

1. I block the assistance, or grace if you will, of the Higher power
2. I stay in the problem, rather than becoming part of the solution. The solution to any problem dioes NOT reside at the level or in the same consciousness as the problem, so, if I "let go" i am using my best gift wisely.
3. I am holding the other person in a non-growing space. I actually hinder their progress.

This applies in all my affairs, not just in AA discussions.
Peace~

[RufusACanal]

A good use of Live and Let Live is the IGNORE feature of this website.

[Treasure2Find]

I used the ignore feature very often when I was drinking. I ignored my bills, my problems, my friends, my enemies, I ignored life. When I got sober I crawled before no man and faced life head on good and bad. Today I try and let God show me a kindly and tolerant view of everyone as it says in the 4th step. Had God hit the ignore button on me today I would be dead. I say this because I often use this feature and everyday I just pray for the willingness to just live and let live.

[stone]

There is knowing when to just 'leave it' tho. To let something go.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by Treasure2Find

I just pray for the willingness to just live and let live.

humility and acceptance help me as much as willingness

[sugErspun]

Acceptance pretty much sums it up. The only time I pray for God to 'do something' for me, is in regard to being useful to someone else in the way He would have it. In my experience, I have sometimes had to have been 'not so nice' to be useful. I stopped asking God to give me things, relieve me from things. I only ask to 'accept'.

Answers always seem to come in the form of action though. Little hints at what I need to do, or where I need to be, what to avoid.

[nandm]

Thank you Rufus for a thought provoking reminder. I know at times I need reminders such as live and let live. Part of being human I guess is getting caught up in something and forgetting that many times it isn't about who is right or who is wrong rather it is about doing what is right. I appreciate your post.

[RufusACanal]

Rather difficult for me to let others live if I am the center of the universe. Miss, you are on target, it is humility; Sug u2 with acceptance. Indigence continues to be my stumbling block; particularly when I encounter another know-it-all. I despise them for what I see in myself as well as their substandard delivery of what I do best. LOL If you going to be a caustic !#@$&^%#$, do it with class!

Motto for this day, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

[RufusACanal]

What a balancing act I have if I do this thing called life alone. On one side I am attempting to practice humility and on the other remain self confident and assertive. This is another reason for Home Group involvement, Sponsorship and recovery circles; I always need to check honestly in with others. Live and let live allows me and others to move on from perceived difficulties and learn from the experience when staying in the problem would simply prolong the agony of misunderstanding.

[stone]

I am so lacking in eloquence I cant join in any discussion on the BB etc without getting frustrated about how I am not contributing how I would like. I have my views/thoughts and when I try to express them I get frustrated.

I have my EGO, and I want to say 'no! you have it wrong! if the BB is about anything it is about spirituality and spirituality isnt about page numbers!'

Of course my wanting to say that so strongly shows I haven't got IT either. LOL

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

Motto for this day, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

Warning: leave it this alcoholic to complicate a great saying!

But, here goes: why must one accept duality and opposition in every choice, as in choose to be EITHER/OR right vs. happy?

My first line of rationale to this choice is that I want to be BOTH right AND happy.

My second line of thought is that the motto would be better if it said what it really means, which is "Do I want to WIN (this argument) or be happy?"

Thirdly, I come to see that in either option I may be striving too much. As in being willful, in this case, willing that I be happy in the event that I lose the argument or the position I had hoped to insert myself into. Last time I checked, happiness is a moment in time. That's all. Another experience that flees with the next breath.

So, I choose perspective. My motto for the day needs to be, "How important is it? " (many thanks to our dear CarolD for this one, time and again she reminds me...)

[stone]

Originally Posted by miss communicat

Warning: leave it this alcoholic to complicate a great saying!

But, here goes: why must one accept duality and opposition in every choice, as in choose to be EITHER/OR right vs. happy?

My first line of rationale to this choice is that I want to be BOTH right AND happy.

My second line of thought is that the motto would be better if it said what it really means, which is "Do I want to WIN (this argument) or be happy?"

Thirdly, I come to see that in either option I may be striving too much. As in being willful, in this case, willing that I be happy in the event that I lose the argument or the position I had hoped to insert myself into. Last time I checked, happiness is a moment in time. That's all. Another experience that flees with the next breath.

So, I choose perspective. My motto for the day needs to be, "How important is it? " (many thanks to our dear CarolD for this one, time and again she reminds me...)

Do you need to to go through all that just to realise it is ego?

[Zoobear]

I also like "Theres alot of power in being powerless".

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by stone

Do you need to to go through all that just to realise it is ego?

apparently. its all process. call it ego, call it whatever. its my process. I shared my process. geeez.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by miss communicat

So, I choose perspective. My motto for the day needs to be, "How important is it? " (many thanks to our dear CarolD for this one, time and again she reminds me...)

I like that perspective myself. CarolD is a wise woman.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by stone

Do you need to to go through all that just to realise it is ego?

humour is the greater part of my process, btw. in case that was not clear.

[stone]

Originally Posted by miss communicat

apparently. its all process. call it ego, call it whatever. its my process. I shared my process. geeez.

I wasnt trying to be smart.

I am sorry, it just seems like over thinking it. I honestly wasnt being smart.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by stone

I wasnt trying to be smart.

I am sorry, it just seems like over thinking it. I honestly wasnt being smart.

no problem, stone. I was trying to share, lightheartedly at that, how ****ed up this alcohlic's thinking can be. Which was why I caveated the post with a warning, that in my own mind, all perspective gets loopy some times.

but, again. thanks for being your sweet self.