Solutions vs sympathy

[nandm]

Big Book page 95 sentance 12 - 13.

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more.

Many of us experience repeated post spree calls from a remorseful alcoholic. Though for awhile they feel terrible and are full of contrition soon they are feeling better and see no reason to adopt such a drastic solution as theone we offer. We hear no more from them until they once again emerge from a spree. This can be a tedious process.

Many alcoholics, dry for now, fail to work the steps. They call their sponsors repeatedly with relationship, marital, work related, and financial problems. They are under the mistaken impression that the temporary relief we get from talking about our problems is in some way dealing successfully with them. We only harm them by allowing them to hide from their problems by talking rather than taking the necessary action. All we can do is to remind these unfortunate souls of where the solution to all their problems lie.

Sympathy will not solve an alcoholics problem. I feel that encouragement, kindness, and compassion are an essential part of helping the alcoholic; but without the guidance and teaching of how to apply the solution (the Steps and Principles) to one's problems those things are not effective in helping the alcoholic stay sober or find sobriety.

Thoughts?
Experiences?
Comments?

[jimhere]

I just posted something real similiar to this on the thread called "Sponsorship Qualities" on the alcoholism forum. Thanks.
Jim

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Judith, I agree. Thanks for posting this.

When I first got my sponsor, I wondered why she wasn't as supportive as I thought that she should be. Like she should've been my own personal on call therapist! Soon, extremely soon, as we worked more on the steps I understood why she wasn't..we talk at least once a week on the phone, go over my work for 20 minutes, and the other 10 is "so, how ya doing?" If I have a pressing issue that I'm finding it difficult to deal with, I'll call her and she'll give me her thoughts, usually "pray on it" is the key phrase. But, she's mostly there for guidance in working my program..and I appreciate it! I got you guys for the therapy lol.

Karen

[nandm]

Jim, I love your post on sponsorship qualities. In fact it was what led me to think about this post.

Karen, it sounds like you have a wonderful sponsor. Glad to see you have stuck around here.

[Music]

Originally Posted by nandm

relationship, marital, work related, and financial problems.

One of the first things I make clear to a new prospect is that I'm not a counselor, I'm not a manpower rep., nor am I a personal accountant. If the new person persists in talking about subjects other than AA or alcoholism, I tell him that just maybe I'm not the person he's looking for as a sponsor.

[jimhere]

I'm not above sharing personal experience with a particular problem someone may be having, but really the only way I know to help an alcoholic is to take them through the steps.
Jim

[nandm]

Music and Jim you bring up some good points.

I had to get rid of a sponsor because she kept telling me that I was not ready to do the Steps, but yet wanted me to call her everyday to check in. My question was to check into what. I knew I needed something more than just an ear, encouragement, and support to stay sober as I had that throughout the years of my drinking and still was not able to stay sober. Fortunately, I was able to find a sponsor who was step oriented. She is a firm believer in working the Steps around every aspect of our lives. If I am having a problem at work, I need to work the steps around it. It doesn't matter what the problem is the Steps are the solution. It took me nearly 3 years to find this sponsor but I am thankful she was put in my life. By applying the Steps to my life I find I have less and less problems that come up. Funny how that works, guess that is part of not having new wreckage to clean up as working the Steps keeps it cleared away.

[jimhere]

I really can't see the point of working with someone if I thought that they weren't ready to take the steps. It would be a waste of everyone's time. Far be it from me to get in the way of an alcoholic's finishing the job.
Jim

[1963comet]

Good post

Yes it is really great to have people to talk to. But I found that my HP was the one I depended on. I did get a sponser once that did not have the time for me. Plus people come and people go. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Because people cannot be there all the time.

And I really wanted this for myself.

[RufusACanal]

Over and over I hear folks mention that their Sponsee’s will not make a decision to grasp the miracle of a new life by working the Steps or following the guidance provided. Many today, we think are not desperate enough to receive the message of a new life and change for the better. Whether they are at the bottom or not is none of my business. I have been mandated by a Power greater than myself to extend the hand to my fellows when asked. The opportunity to extend this message is the price for the reprieve I was given to have life today. I have been taught what the message is and it is up to me to deliver it to those in need. Nowhere does it say that I am the one changing others. As a Sponsor, I must deliver the life changing message of the psychic change; finding God and self, which allows the new person to make the leap of faith that booze is no longer the answer and that hope for renewal remains. God provides all of the most important missing ingredients. I provide the information and guidance only. If the new man does not want what I have to offer, we are done. If he is unwilling to take the Steps then I am no longer available. Where I have to be vigilant is constantly being ready to provide the life changing message of hope and reconstruction and continuously praying for the ability to serve that person honestly and without ego. The first burden to deliver is mine, not the Sponsee. Once I have delivered the message, it now becomes the Sponsee’s responsibility to pick up the reins and move forward.

No matter how brief the time, the simple solution for each individual who comes into our care is spelled out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Before I bemoan what the new man is or is not doing, I first must be on firm ground. I inventory my work as a Sponsor. How often do I inventory? Daily; it only takes moments to write down what is happening, my views, my responsibilities and the actions I will take. Lastly, I thank God for this new life. I am a student who teaches, not a creator, creating.

[jimhere]

A friend and I were talking the other day about difficulties we are having in finding alcoholics who want to recover in local AA meetings.

I am going more and more to the jitter joints. But even there many are repeat customers who have been to AA so much that they know the spiel. They already know what their plan is when leaving de-tox, yda yada yada. All we hear from them is "This time...." and "I know...."

We have a theory that there are too many AA meetings in this town. About half of them should fold up because now meetings are more a matter of convience than of a place where a desperate alcoholic goes to seek help.
Jim

[RufusACanal]

Before my last Sponsor became unable to respond to life via Alzheimers, he started a meeting in his home. The miracles that came from that meeting are represented today by those men and women who went on from that group to start home meetings with the primary purpose of working with others. I was one of those who hid in AA and the recovery community for years, happily sucking the life out of members who were unwilling to put an end to my lecherous nature. Not until I heard the message of a new life, did I respond.

[Music]

Calling every day has value in and of itself. Calling just to check in is part of the first step I believe. I know that being powerless as stated in the first step is dealing with alcohol, but that's not the only thing I'm powerless over, at least in the beginning. I'm also powerless over my own stinking thinking, and I need to check in on a daily basis with my sponsor, who's a little better at sorting through the BS, just to let him know what's on my agenda for that day. I need to get into the habit of calling others too just in case my sponsor is indisposed and I need someone to talk to right now.

As far as when is a person ready to work the steps?? He's ready when he makes the statement that he's alcoholic and wants to get sober. It's my job as his sponsor to make those steps available to him and to walk him through the Big Book and work along side him. This enables me to work, and re-work the steps too, thus insuring my sobriety as is stated in Working with Others. For a sponsor to tell his pigeon that he's not ready to work the steps is a judgment call made by the sponsor as poses some concerns in my mind. Maybe there's a control problem here.

[jimhere]

If they say they are ready, I take their word for it, and take the attitude of "We'll see."

Time will tell and their attitudes and actions are the proof. Willingness without action is fantasy.
Jim

[Tommyh]

Many alcoholics, dry for now, fail to work the steps. They call their sponsors repeatedly with relationship, marital, work related, and financial problems. They are under the mistaken impression that the temporary relief we get from talking about our problems is in some way dealing successfully with them.

many years ago in a town about 35 miles south of where I live,a man named Bunn L. was put on a train to NY to see Dr Silkworth.
He met Bill W and Dr Silkworth and they got him sobered up.Bunn stayed sober the rest of his life.He got sober in the early 40`s or late 30`s...

Bunn came back home.In the early 50`s a man named R.C. (still alive and sober today)came to see Bunn about getting sober and was complaining about his wife...

Bunn said
you`re lucky to have a wife.I can`t help you with her,but I can help you with your drinking problem.

Now go home if thats all you want...I have better things to do