NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

So, I came clean to my sponsor now it's time to come clean here. I haven't been working too much on my fourth step. After talking to my sponsor tonight, I've realized that it's the feeling of shame that comes over me every time I start working on it. It makes it difficult to get through, even finishing up one or two people/resentments at a time. So, like a good alkie, I've been avoiding it.

I don't want to bail on it, I don't want to stop working the steps, I understand that in order to free myself from this feeling I must get it done.

Any thoughts on getting through it?

Thanks,

Karen

Dasfunkyt

yeah I know that feeling.. but the key to the future is in that step.. its quite magical and good.. I also learned when i finally came clean that the shame was dealt with in the most incredible way!! i learned that i'm not alone and that i will never be again.. I found my family in that step.. the AA comunity

about how to get through it.... first of all this was the big test for me on how to work with god of my understanding.
ask him to guide you.. you made a deal with him in the third step... you will get help in some form if you ask it.

There are all kinds of methods and special 4th step lists out there (i prefer the big book example) in any case just start with the resentments... don't spend anytime on how you got the resentment column. just get all the bastards out that have been irritating you all your life.. have fun with it!!! express yourself of.. this may be the last time that you can justify any rage at all..
after you have got down all the names then you start on the next column.... and so on..

and stay in touch with your SPONSOR!!! ask him...

ps. if you aren't sure about puting something in... put it in anyways.. it's just a piece of paper..

good luck and may you find life to treat you in a happy, joyous and free ways..

Rowan

Hi Karen,

Getting it started in the first place was hardest for me, but once I put pen to paper, it just all flowed out. I've done a couple of 4ths the traditional, BB way, but this last time, I did it using the 7 deadly sins. For some reason, I found it easier to keep the focus on me when I did this, and concentrated on harms I had committed. Maybe doing so would help you to plow through once you hit 'the wall'?
Let us know how it goes - thinking of you.

SaTiT

My sponsor got me into a habit of making a list and keeping a
journal. it kept it relativly simple So when it came to doing a 4th
it help me to be more persistence.

There's so much the i gian from working the forth.
"know thy self" it helped me to know me better.
So I just kept it simple of just making a pro and con list.
The things I like and the things i dis like.
My favrite color, my favrite candi..i hate lima beans..and it's okay.
My life was so consumed by drinking and using, i had forgotten
or lost myself. Yes, it is that important for me to know my favrite color.
and it okay for me to not like pumkin pie...i hate pumkin pie.
i don't have to eat it if i choose not to. i have a chioce.
The principles apply in my life is other issues..if i don't like
to do something..i don't have to do it, just to fit in.
if i don't beliving in something..I don't have too.

Then from there i expanded on it..i made my assests and my liabilties list.

Forgiveness is a part of the 4th step. Forgiving people that's done
my wrong is hard. Forgiving myself is harder.

By see my flaws..it also helps me to be more paitent and more tolerance
of others..after all..i f-up..i really , really did. I'm no posistion to judge others.
The samethings apply..I judge myself more harshly than i do others.

These are some of things that was revealed to me.

actaully at first making an asset list of myself was alot harder than
making a f-up list of myself...yes all of that guilt and shame that i
thought i was never good enough and deseving of living a happy life.

The 3rd step proceed the 4th step for reasons...
I seek the love and guidence and the strength from my HP to face
a lot of issues i didn't want to face..somethings are very painful.
I came to relied on my HP to get me through. In the process of doing
the 4th, it also strengthen my relationship with my HP.

Sometimes i don't even beliving in god...I don't have too.
God beliving in me. i just accept that.
My thoughts or feeling might shift from time to time..
But my heart holds true. I love my HP even when I don't belive i do.

Michael WhteH2o

Somebody smarter than me coined this quote. The point is when you bear your soul you will find a great sense of contentment and relief. When we dump our hidden resentments down on paper it no longer grows like a cancer in our minds.
Sounds like you got lucky and have a sponsor that really wants you to succeed
Best of luck, you can do it, you are worth it.
Michael

CarolD

Dasfunkyt and Michael WhteH2o
.Welcome to our 12 Step Forum!

Pinkcuda

Are you completing the first column that lists people places and institutions? Finish that column before you move onto the cause in the next column. Once finished with that column you move onto the affects column. In doing them in columns one column at a time you have committed yourself.
Ask God to help you with strength and commitment.

Rob B

Revisit step one, any resistance to the process I have experienced is always rooted in a disconnect with my 1st step experience.

Step two proposition. God is everything or nothing-what's your choice?

Step three: What is your decision, writing a 4th backs up your decision with ACTION.

SaTiT

the pumkin pie principle..lol

I don't have to drink if i don't want to...
I don't have to bend myself backwards, wheather my parents, boss, co -workers,
freinds, experts, beliver, non-belivers thinks it okay for me to do so.
Poeple can go round and round and debate wheather it's a disease or not.

I'm clear on such matters. it's okay for me to hate drinking. I know where drinking
got me. It left a bad taste in my mouth. It is relatively simple.

so..why should i feel guilty for something that's clear to me ?

Taking5

You feel bad or guilty doing a step 4? Me too.

Step 4 made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. In my case I felt terrible too, as I had done a lot a bad things. Only a sociopath would not feel this way.

How to feel better? - work steps 5 thru 9:

5 -Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Usually at this point we get reassurances from our sponsor or whomever we do a 5th step with that they or others in the program have done it before. This eases out conscience a bit after step 5 but there is a lot more work to do.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

Combined, these steps are us getting mentally ready to do something about our past actions. This is necessary, but we still have work to do:

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

These 2 steps is where we actually DO something about our past actions. Making amends is HUGE. Many times the person(s) we thought we had damaged beyond repair are actually very impressed that we take the time to apologize (people nowadays almost never do this) and make amends.

While I am here I must make the point that while an apology is almost always necessary, an apology in itself is NOT making amends.

Making amends usually involves more than that, some kind on tangible action on out part. You owe someone money? Pay them back. You bad-mouthed someone to their co-workers? Publicly retract your bad words to those co-workers.

This is where our guilt is really, finally relieved.

I hope this helps. Stay sober.

barb dwyer

do it Merlot - I had my moments with it more from trauma than from guilt -

it changed my life.

pure and simple.

I think we alcoholics are more scared of that - than the actual working of the step.

do it do it do it :support

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Thanks for all the feedback. I guess it does come down to I haven't been putting my sobriety first with the new job and all. How easily it becomes second when life becomes busier?

I'm an alcoholic. I always will be. If I want to change the behaviors that brought me all this shame, I have to work it.

I'm going to!!!

Karen

Ps: My sponsor told me that she often loses sponcee's during this step. I assured that she won't be losing me!

barb dwyer

most people would rather go out ... than face the truth.
or worse - face themselves.
that... is true.

arian

Hi MerlotMamma, "they" say...misery likes company...and I am right there with you on this one!
Something that has helped me is reading "Step Four" from the "Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions" book. I gathered up a bunch of loose leaf paper and have "titles" on pages, i.e.: list your positives/assets [I did this right away as I couldn't fathom wading through a lot of negative without seeing a light!]. Other pages I reserved titles for: friends, lovers/spouse, finances,work, parents, conditions I can't change, conditions I can change, changes I am willing & wanting to make & simple measures to make them, my place in society, emotional security/insecurity/dependence, amends to be made...and then any other "issue" you may want to/need to address.
I am trying to keep the focus on any unhappiness I have caused others & myself...how I reacted to these situations...if I used these feelings/experiences as an excuse to drink...looking inside and out, in the past and present as to how my feelings/emotions may have been distorted & therefore seen as self-justification to drink, assessing each to see where I have been at fault - being as clear and as honest as I can. If it helps [& I have done this in the past...and it has helped me]...you could write it as a "letter" ... I did this awhile ago with my spouse - writing things out and then trashing it...although you may wish to hold on to your material for your self reflection. This is how I am tackling some of my issues at present as it just flows easier for me.
Find a quiet moment/corner & gather your thoughts...a good cup of java helps if you're so inclined! Wishing you peace of heart and mind! Good luck & I am eager to hear how it goes for you!
Again...I am right there with you!

growing-up

My sponsee was feeling the same way and asked if she could just come over and write in my travel trailer so she didn't feel so alone on it. A friend or trudge buddy would work just as well.

My fav. though is go to a meeting an hour or so early and work on it while your waiting.

if your feeling you just can't find the time w/your new job, set a timer and work on it for 15min. every day. Everyone can find that small a chunk of time, and it might keep you from being overwhelmed knowing you can stop when the times up. [though you don't have to if your on a roll.]

ccirider

Hi Karen:

There is shame in not facing shame. Therefore, if you don't face your shame, you will always be in shame. See the way out?

sugErspun

I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him - I picked up a pen and did as I was instructed by someone who had gone down the same path before me.

That doesn't mean I don't have human emotions, and I feel more beat-up than guilty during a lot of the Fourth Step. I actually thought at one point I needed to see a shrink or something and a friend told me "You are just starting to get rid of all the stuff you have built up over the years that blocks you from God, it's pretty normal to feel beat up about it"...but each time I sat to write, I say a prayer -"God show me what I need to see, that which blocks me from you, myself and others" and write it on the top of the page. I feel protected when I am writing, and though it be exhausting sometimes to fearlessly write these things on paper, but without error, stuff starts flowing out of me, sometimes I write until my hand is cramping and I have to force myself to stop. Something has happened here, and it certainly isn't my will or desire that is running the show during these times .I made it through ok. Often I have to remember to show loving kindness, compassion - even to myself.



I am still sober.

Tommyh

Karen,I have lost a few sponsee`s at that point also over the years
Just do the best you can and move on..don`t think about it,just do it.
when I thought about how bad it was drinking/drugging,it motivated me to write it out.I wanted to live,I didn`t want to die,so if writing it out meant I might live,so be it.A small price to pay for a new life.
In time,you will pick up the pencil or the bottle,which is it going to be?You decide

zoomer

I know for me I could not wait to do a 4th so I could get it over with. What was told to me was that no one need never to read your 4th,it's just for your eyes only. Most people do use the 4th for their 5th though. I had a male sponcer who asked me if I minded doing my 5th step with a male and I said no as long as you don't mind blushing LOL. I did use most of my 4th for my 5th,except stuff that I wanted to talk to someone closer to me about. Funny part of this story is that I did do my 5th step with my sponcer at his house (wife was home) and i had my 4th step with me. We got done and I felt a sence of peace. Anyway, I was driving home and damed if I did't get pulled over. My first thought was that my sponcer had set me up LOL,but then it was just for a late registration,but there was my 4th step sitting on the seat beside me. I was afraid to move it just incase the cop wanted to know what i was trying ot hide,so there was my life's story and all my wrongs just sitting there 3 feet away from a copper. Whew talk about sweating. I also went through a divorce and I had my 4th hidden under my bed between the mattresses. I had to burn it just incase he found it and would use it against me. It felt good to burn all my wrongs and sad to say sence then my sponcer has died ,so no one really on this earth knows my wrong doings. Anyway, my point being once you get your 4th done, it's done and over and you can move on. Some people use their 4ths for making amends to the list of people they have harmed. I suppose you can do that,but you can always make another list. Most important about my 4th though is that I also found out the harm I did to myself. Don't forget to include yourself in your 4th.

CarolD

Wow!
Welcoem to the newer members
and
It's good to see our returnees!