I want to try AA again but scared - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LegalLady · 10-26-2007, 09:03 AM

I just feel foolish there and I just want to listen this time. Would it be rude of me to go to a meeting a lot and just listen.

I'll be cordial but I just want to try. I'm afraid. I've been in and outs and theywill recognize me. Some were mean (tough love) and some were nice but when I asked to sponsor me said no. I don't want to worry about running into people I want to listen and get well. I want to just hang around. Is it okay to hang around cause sometimes when you talk or should i say when I talk i screw things up. Now anyway.

Emimily · 10-26-2007, 09:27 AM

um, yeah. we don't shoot our wounded. c'mon back, darlin.

LegalLady · 10-26-2007, 09:31 AM

Um well Okay - I'll take a plane to Charlotte, NC cause I've been to so many where I live.

Emimily · 10-26-2007, 09:33 AM

wasn't being flip. my mom relapsed-my sponsor told her the same thing i told you. sorry if the intent wasn't clear enough. good luck.

Astro · 10-26-2007, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emimily

um, yeah. we don't shoot our wounded. c'mon back, darlin.

Exactly, so please dust yourself off and come on back. I spent my first five months in AA meetings just listening, I was too scared to share. As for the "tough love" crowd, tell them politely "no thanks, I'd just like to listen". Do what works for you, but if it stops working make sure you reach out for help.

cali · 10-26-2007, 09:40 AM

June of 1989 was my first meeting.....have been going to AA ever since.......
I now have 11 months......so yeah-I hear ya. This time around I became truly willing to trust that the group is there for me......I became as willing as the dying can be.....
by far the B E S T this I have ever done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DITTO's to everything that has already been said

PS-I was looking at this as more of an "in and out" of aa thing--as far as talking--well-I listen a lot.

**nandm** · 10-26-2007, 10:11 AM

Personally, I am grateful when someone comes back. It helps remind me that drinking does not work for the alcoholic. There are people who believe that the only way to get someone to stop drinking is through tough love. I have seen tough love kill people so I am personally not a fan of it. My best friend tried it in her early sobriety with her brother and he committed suicide. I does work for some. In my early sobriety I encouraged my mother to try it with my sister who would call her drunk at 2 or 3 in the morning drunk and whining. My mom told her she would not speak to her when she was drinking that if she was seeking a solution she needed to go to A.A. if she was seeking sympathy then she needed to seek it elsewhere. My sister has been sober since. So it does work for some.

I don't like being treated poorly even if someone is using the reasoning of trying to help me and I do not respond well to it. So when I run across the tough love people I just take what I can use from what they say (take it with a grain of salt) and leave the rest on the ground where it belongs. Fortunately, I have found most people are very welcoming to someone who keeps coming back. As long as you keep coming back you have not failed. We only fail when we quit trying. So please come back. Listen if you need to. I have passed when called on many times, especially in early sobriety. There is nothing wrong with it. I do believe though that if you can share many times it helps someone else. I have been told our sharing in a meeting is not about us it is about the person who takes a bit of it with them. Throw away the shame and fear and walk in with your head held high, because you are a winner, you are working on bettering your life, and you will succeed as long as you hang in there and keep trying.

Keep posting here, I have enjoyed reading your posts. They have been helpful to me.

LegalLady · 10-26-2007, 10:14 AM

Do they have like really large meetings in each state. You know the kind where you can get lost in and just listen??? If that makes any sense.

**nandm** · 10-26-2007, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Do they have like really large meetings in each state. You know the kind where you can get lost in and just listen??? If that makes any sense.

Makes perfect sense. You might try calling your local inter-group office. They can direct you to larger meetings. Your best bet would be try speaker meetings. Many do not have anyone speak but the speaker. I know that here in Portland, OR we have about 10 speaker meetings a month that occur on a regular basis. You might be much more comfortable in them. At least you would know you would not be called on or singled out. You can be a face in the crowd plus hear a message that might help guide you. Do you have a Big Book? If not you might want to pick one up and read the first 164 pages. It is the core of A.A. Also the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book is very useful. It expands on the 12 steps and 12 traditions talked about in the Big Book. I know in early sobriety reading those helped me a lot.

LegalLady · 10-26-2007, 10:38 AM

I had a big book gave it to my ex but that's on another thread.
Sigh. I have a problem drinking and helping people you know. Anyway, want to help myself but always worried about fitting in and being perfect. I'm a weird drunk.

Tazman53 · 10-26-2007, 10:48 AM

Hon I do not know where you live, but big or small meeting, it does not matter, just go and listen, there are some tough love folks in the rooms, but most are not. Just go, listen..... I never learned a darn thing when I was talking any how! LOL

Not knowing where you live I have no idea how many or how big the meetings are, but if one meeting is not for you, do not go back, go to another one. I have watched a guy come in and out of the rooms ever since I got sober, he keeps trying, he is and has always been welcome to meetings, I have given him rides to meetings, I know that one day he will get it, I know the hell he is going through, I spent to many years there to be mean to him, my hand and a lot of others are always there for him along with a lot of prayers for him.

kelsh · 10-26-2007, 10:52 AM

Hi LegalLady,

All of the suggestions made have been right on the number. Speaker meetings are good if they have them where you live.

When I first went to AA I just listened...passed..unless I got that feeling that comes with strong identification with something being said. I would just say my name is: & I am an alcoholic...I would like to pass tonight.

It worked for me and has worked since 1988.

kelsh

Astro · 10-26-2007, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LegalLady

Do they have like really large meetings in each state. You know the kind where you can get lost in and just listen??? If that makes any sense.

I don't know about every state, and as Taz mentioned it really doesn't matter if they're large or small. The meeting I go to every afternoon usually has 100+ in attendance. And even with that many people, there I still times when I'm called upon to share and I choose to pass if I'm just in the mood to listen.

If you want a Big Book ask for one. Some meetings sell them, sometimes a member has an extra one they'll give you, and sometimes people generously donate them.

LegalLady · 10-26-2007, 11:39 AM

Thanks everyone.

Alyce14 · 10-26-2007, 11:53 AM

Hi Legal,

Personally, I have been to AA for every reason on the books:
When I was young and single: It was seductive, and a place to meet people
When I was desperate, it was a haven
When I was lonely, it reminded me that there were others...
And...from the strangest mouths, came the most help...

Alright, this was NYC. and there are a lot of interesting stories there, not to neglect that there were a lot of interesting, creative and yes, famous people there.

But...after a million meetings (not too far from the truth) it comes down to you, wanting to get sober. Hard. Impossible? No. But, be selfish-use everything...Life is hard, and nothing we do to anesthetize ourselves makes it any easier.

DAMMIT! Yes, I hate this fact. But I do know it.

So, just remember about AA, that it is full of flawed people (like ourselves) trying to deal. Just go, and remember, none have the answer, but all have a part of it.

Alyce

GrouchoTheCat · 10-26-2007, 11:55 AM

You can also buy a big book at almost any bookstore.

Oh, there is no requirement that you say anything in a meeting. If you are asked, just say "pass".

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 10-26-2007, 12:15 PM

"Anyway, want to help myself but always worried about fitting in and being perfect. I'm a weird drunk."

Hon, the rooms are FILLED with people who think the SAME way that you do! I'm one of them! I've never in my life been a joiner, never. I didn't share for months when I first started. It's still difficult for me, but I force myself. I was even a speaker! Go to a big meeting, listen. Keep trying different meetings. You'll find one that feels right.

Good luck!

Karen

**CarolD** · 10-26-2007, 12:52 PM

You want to listen
I want to share

LL we'd make a fine pair!

Blessings

GlassPrisoner · 10-26-2007, 01:05 PM

I didn't share at meetings for my first 6 months. I just listened. I think that has a lot to do with my recovery.....

akimmel1302 · 10-27-2007, 05:00 PM

come back....do it this time....i needed to...welcome...

-kimmel

BP44 · 10-27-2007, 09:12 PM

When I finally stumbled back into AA after being away for a long time, the first meeting, someone said, "welcome home". I knew at that time that I was home. I was scared, out of hope and out of solutions. it was then that I became willing to jump in with both feet and get involved. Before I knew it, I had a sponsor and was doing step work. Today I have a diverse group of AA's in my life. None of them will co sign my BS. Most are more tactful than others, and certainly more tactful than I am. They along with my sponsor have never lied to me. So, when I am told something or given a suggestion, I know it is the truth however difficult it may be to hear or do. This is how they got sober and they are passing it along to me. My sponsor will not hesitate to let me know when he is unhappy with my line of thinking. He will usually end such a time with, "Let me know how that works out for you". This ques me to the fact that I'm heading down the wrong path. On the other hand, if I'm heading in the right direction I may say something like, " So if I do such and such, I'll get such and such result?" And he'll say, " It wouldn't surprise me". These are the quick little nuances between a sponsor and sponsee that let me know instantaneously where I am at. So far, it's working. I'm new sober, so I don't share alot in meetings.

snowgoose · 10-28-2007, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LegalLady

I'm a weird drunk.

Yeah, I wonder how many of us felt we were weird drunks. Ultimately, I think you'll find weird is normal. And please get yourself another Big Book.

Best wishes from the Snowgoose.

10-26-2007, 09:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 73	I want to try AA again but scared I just feel foolish there and I just want to listen this time. Would it be rude of me to go to a meeting a lot and just listen. I'll be cordial but I just want to try. I'm afraid. I've been in and outs and theywill recognize me. Some were mean (tough love) and some were nice but when I asked to sponsor me said no. I don't want to worry about running into people I want to listen and get well. I want to just hang around. Is it okay to hang around cause sometimes when you talk or should i say when I talk i screw things up. Now anyway.

10-26-2007, 09:27 AM	#2 (permalink)
Emimily Silly Rabbit Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 816 Blog Entries: 6	um, yeah. we don't shoot our wounded. c'mon back, darlin. __________________ "To take for permanent That which is only transitory Is like the delusion of a madman." -Kalu Rinpoche

10-26-2007, 09:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
Emimily Silly Rabbit Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 816 Blog Entries: 6	wasn't being flip. my mom relapsed-my sponsor told her the same thing i told you. sorry if the intent wasn't clear enough. good luck. __________________ "To take for permanent That which is only transitory Is like the delusion of a madman." -Kalu Rinpoche

10-26-2007, 09:40 AM	#6 (permalink)
cali came-came to-came to believe Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: east coast Posts: 823	June of 1989 was my first meeting.....have been going to AA ever since....... I now have 11 months......so yeah-I hear ya. This time around I became truly willing to trust that the group is there for me......I became as willing as the dying can be..... by far the B E S T this I have ever done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DITTO's to everything that has already been said PS-I was looking at this as more of an "in and out" of aa thing--as far as talking--well-I listen a lot. __________________ I'll let go of what I was, accept myself for what I am- and become who I was meant to be! 2-15-08 12-5-08 OS free

10-26-2007, 10:11 AM	#7 (permalink)
nandm Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is Posts: 4,921	Personally, I am grateful when someone comes back. It helps remind me that drinking does not work for the alcoholic. There are people who believe that the only way to get someone to stop drinking is through tough love. I have seen tough love kill people so I am personally not a fan of it. My best friend tried it in her early sobriety with her brother and he committed suicide. I does work for some. In my early sobriety I encouraged my mother to try it with my sister who would call her drunk at 2 or 3 in the morning drunk and whining. My mom told her she would not speak to her when she was drinking that if she was seeking a solution she needed to go to A.A. if she was seeking sympathy then she needed to seek it elsewhere. My sister has been sober since. So it does work for some. I don't like being treated poorly even if someone is using the reasoning of trying to help me and I do not respond well to it. So when I run across the tough love people I just take what I can use from what they say (take it with a grain of salt) and leave the rest on the ground where it belongs. Fortunately, I have found most people are very welcoming to someone who keeps coming back. As long as you keep coming back you have not failed. We only fail when we quit trying. So please come back. Listen if you need to. I have passed when called on many times, especially in early sobriety. There is nothing wrong with it. I do believe though that if you can share many times it helps someone else. I have been told our sharing in a meeting is not about us it is about the person who takes a bit of it with them. Throw away the shame and fear and walk in with your head held high, because you are a winner, you are working on bettering your life, and you will succeed as long as you hang in there and keep trying. Keep posting here, I have enjoyed reading your posts. They have been helpful to me. __________________ NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. - Maya Angelou

10-26-2007, 09:31 AM	#3 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 73	Um well Okay - I'll take a plane to Charlotte, NC cause I've been to so many where I live.

10-26-2007, 10:14 AM	#8 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 73	Do they have like really large meetings in each state. You know the kind where you can get lost in and just listen??? If that makes any sense.

10-26-2007, 10:38 AM	#10 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 73	I had a big book gave it to my ex but that's on another thread. Sigh. I have a problem drinking and helping people you know. Anyway, want to help myself but always worried about fitting in and being perfect. I'm a weird drunk.

10-26-2007, 10:48 AM	#11 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 7,343	Hon I do not know where you live, but big or small meeting, it does not matter, just go and listen, there are some tough love folks in the rooms, but most are not. Just go, listen..... I never learned a darn thing when I was talking any how! LOL Not knowing where you live I have no idea how many or how big the meetings are, but if one meeting is not for you, do not go back, go to another one. I have watched a guy come in and out of the rooms ever since I got sober, he keeps trying, he is and has always been welcome to meetings, I have given him rides to meetings, I know that one day he will get it, I know the hell he is going through, I spent to many years there to be mean to him, my hand and a lot of others are always there for him along with a lot of prayers for him. __________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

10-26-2007, 10:52 AM	#12 (permalink)
kelsh Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Omak WA Posts: 821	Hi LegalLady, All of the suggestions made have been right on the number. Speaker meetings are good if they have them where you live. When I first went to AA I just listened...passed..unless I got that feeling that comes with strong identification with something being said. I would just say my name is: & I am an alcoholic...I would like to pass tonight. It worked for me and has worked since 1988. kelsh __________________ God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change..the Courage to Change the Things I Can Change..and the Wisdom to Know the Diifference. Sobriety Date: July 10, 1988

10-26-2007, 11:39 AM	#14 (permalink)
LegalLady Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 73	Thanks everyone.

10-26-2007, 11:53 AM	#15 (permalink)
Alyce14 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: US Posts: 195	Hi Legal, Personally, I have been to AA for every reason on the books: When I was young and single: It was seductive, and a place to meet people When I was desperate, it was a haven When I was lonely, it reminded me that there were others... And...from the strangest mouths, came the most help... Alright, this was NYC. and there are a lot of interesting stories there, not to neglect that there were a lot of interesting, creative and yes, famous people there. But...after a million meetings (not too far from the truth) it comes down to you, wanting to get sober. Hard. Impossible? No. But, be selfish-use everything...Life is hard, and nothing we do to anesthetize ourselves makes it any easier. DAMMIT! Yes, I hate this fact. But I do know it. So, just remember about AA, that it is full of flawed people (like ourselves) trying to deal. Just go, and remember, none have the answer, but all have a part of it. Alyce

10-26-2007, 11:55 AM	#16 (permalink)
GrouchoTheCat Coffee Maker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Lobstah Land Posts: 1,106	You can also buy a big book at almost any bookstore. Oh, there is no requirement that you say anything in a meeting. If you are asked, just say "pass". __________________ He, who by good deeds covers the evil he has done, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds. Buddha (Not inebriated (Amethystos) since:9/27/07)

10-26-2007, 12:15 PM	#17 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,033 Blog Entries: 36	"Anyway, want to help myself but always worried about fitting in and being perfect. I'm a weird drunk." Hon, the rooms are FILLED with people who think the SAME way that you do! I'm one of them! I've never in my life been a joiner, never. I didn't share for months when I first started. It's still difficult for me, but I force myself. I was even a speaker! Go to a big meeting, listen. Keep trying different meetings. You'll find one that feels right. Good luck! Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

10-26-2007, 12:52 PM	#18 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 16,037	You want to listen I want to share LL we'd make a fine pair! Blessings __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

10-26-2007, 01:05 PM	#19 (permalink)
GlassPrisoner Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Murrieta, Ca Posts: 2,685	I didn't share at meetings for my first 6 months. I just listened. I think that has a lot to do with my recovery..... __________________ Life Happens

10-27-2007, 05:00 PM	#20 (permalink)
akimmel1302 Ak1302 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Milford, Ohio Posts: 32	come back....do it this time....i needed to...welcome... -kimmel __________________ I AM NOT ALONE

10-27-2007, 09:12 PM	#21 (permalink)
BP44 Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Cumming, Ga Posts: 422	When I finally stumbled back into AA after being away for a long time, the first meeting, someone said, "welcome home". I knew at that time that I was home. I was scared, out of hope and out of solutions. it was then that I became willing to jump in with both feet and get involved. Before I knew it, I had a sponsor and was doing step work. Today I have a diverse group of AA's in my life. None of them will co sign my BS. Most are more tactful than others, and certainly more tactful than I am. They along with my sponsor have never lied to me. So, when I am told something or given a suggestion, I know it is the truth however difficult it may be to hear or do. This is how they got sober and they are passing it along to me. My sponsor will not hesitate to let me know when he is unhappy with my line of thinking. He will usually end such a time with, "Let me know how that works out for you". This ques me to the fact that I'm heading down the wrong path. On the other hand, if I'm heading in the right direction I may say something like, " So if I do such and such, I'll get such and such result?" And he'll say, " It wouldn't surprise me". These are the quick little nuances between a sponsor and sponsee that let me know instantaneously where I am at. So far, it's working. I'm new sober, so I don't share alot in meetings.