Getting a sponsor - how & why?

[odaat]

Hey all

I'm 9 months sober, and have just this week been to my first meeting. I'm trying the local meetings to see which fits.

One group discussed sponsorship, and many people expressed concern that a lot of people become sponsors to feed thier ego and to manipulate.

I'm just wondering what the pros and cons are of getting a sponsor.

If I decided that I wanted a sponsor, how would I go about this? My anxiety is pretty bad at present after an extended period of not leaving the house, so I'm not keen on actually walking up to someone and asking, or asking during the meeting.

Thanks

[CarolD]

I strongly suggest ...before you get a sponsor
look on the free literature rack usually in meetings) for

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

But...
I've not been to meetings in the UK
so I am not sure the free rack is used there.

I sent you a PM with other info
and check there for the pamphlet too.

Blessings

[CarolD]

Hi Again....
I found this info posted by Astro

There's an AA pamphlet called Questions And Answers On Sponsorship that explains nicely the role of a sponsor. You should be able to pick one up at your meetings or read it online here http://www.aa.org/en_pdfs/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
__________________

Thanks Astro!

[Pinkcuda]

Why get a Sponsor? Because every other textbook you got in life also came with a Teacher. That's why!

[tanyapmc]

I have been blessed with a great sponsor. I suggest that you listen to people in meetings and then watch them outside of meetings. Ask yourself...do they have something I want? do I aspire to be like them? are they honest? do they help others? These are things that are important to me. The reason I love having a sponsor is I can ask her about things I am going through that she probably went through in her early sobriety. She also can help me through the steps.

[daydream]

Great answer Pinkcuda!

I agree with others, read the pamphlet. Learn what a sponsor's role is. The criteria *I* use in choosing a sponsor are:
1. Has worked all 12 steps and continues to work steps.
2. Has and uses her own sponsor.
3. Has a working knowledge of traditions and I see her trying to practice them.
4. Has a working knowledge of spiritual principles and I see her trying to practice them.
5. Attends meetings regularly.
6. Does not repeat other people's stuff.
If a potential sponsor meets those criteria, I discuss sponsorship with her, find out if she can and will make the time commitment to sponsor me. Then I try her out. It's worked well for me over the years.

[Tazman53]

Well what was suggested to me worked very well for me.

In detox I was told to get a sponsor right away! Well the first meeting I went to I was scared to death I may start drinking again so at the end of the meeting I just asked a guy to be my sponsor....... he told me no, but he would be my temporary sponsor, he explained that I should look for someone with:

1. Good sobriety.
2. Someone who had a sponsor.
3. Someone who has worked the steps.
4. Someone I could trust.
5. Someone that I felt comfortable with.
6. Someone that had something in them as a person I wanted.

Well I kept my temporay sponsor for about 3 months and found that guy I was looking for, I asked him to be my sponsor, we discussed what I was looking for and what he expected of a sponsee, we clicked and he is still my sponsor, we have worked the steps together and continue to work them. I now have a sponsee. If my sponsee ask a question that I do not know the answer to I ask him if it is okay if I discuss it with my sponsor, if he says yes then I ask my sponsor.

As far as the ego deal goes, well that is why you should take your time looking for one, there are sponsors out there that are egotist, if you do not feel they are right, do not ask.

Another thing to keep in mind is if you pick a guy to be your sponsor and the 2 of you do not work out you can switch sponsors.

[odaat]

I'm still not really sure what to do. I was talking about sponsorship with a woman who I was planning on asking to be my temporary sponsor, but she said that it'd be best for me to find someone who is home during the day. How do I do that? Nobody has specifically mentioned that they are home during the day, and I assume most people work. I just don't know what to do. I keep trying to talk to people, I just can't seem to get the words out. I can respond if someone asks me a direct question, but I just can't seem to just say how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I just feel lost/confused and all over the place.

[RufusACanal]

Here are some suggestions ODAAT. First, go to meetings and listen for those who have something you do not in recovery. Take the pamphet Carol suggested with you to help you remember what to look for and what to ask. Pick a man who sounds like he has a grip on this recovery thing and ask him to be your Temp Sponsor. Men ask Men for sponsorship and Women ask Women for sponsorship; solves that whole hormonal thing. Be ready to do follow directions from your Sponsor.

The slogan you picked caught my eye; do you know what it means? Thank you ! Ron

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi Odaat,

I too was terrified to ask someone to sponsor me! i was going to meetings, but really wanted to start working the steps. I took a deep breath, walked up to a woman that I admired, and asked. She said yes..now I'm working the steps and I have felt real progress in myself starting to come about. It's important to work getting to the reasons that you drank in order to stay sober. And, I'm helping her stay sober by working with me!

It's been an eyeopener for sure, and I highly recommend it. Just keep asking till someone says yes!

Let us know how it goes...

Karen

[barb dwyer]

When I was in AA five years ago , I thought,
I can't do this whole God thing,
I'll just read the steps and do it my own way.
I was drinking again within six months.
This time - I was drinking to die.

Five years later, having succeeded in destroyed everything ...
I went back to aa,
This time however - I went back knowing -
not believing - not suspecting - KNOWING
that I had to do it - the way it's written.
Al the way through.
no matter how hard it seemed.
no matter how impossible anything sounded.
I had to.

that was over a year. ago.

I heartily recommend getting a sponsor, and doing the steps, in order.

the results .. are nothing short of miraculous.

[Music]

People who don't want, or don't think they need a sponsor are still wanting to continue to run their lives themselves. I've not had a drink in over 30 years and still have a sponsor who is sober 28 years. I've had a sponsor since day one. It's called being accountable to someone besides myself for my actions. It's called having a special friend who knows all about me who I can call at an hour of any day or night and talk to about what's bothering me. It's called having a little bit of insurance.

Odaat, you say you've been sober for 9 months. That's great! Maybe you're one of those who can do it on their own. Maybe you aren't powerless and unmanagable. Could be you don't need a higher power either, who knows. But, what do you have to lose? There's nothing anywhere I've ever seen that says I have to keep that sponsor if things don't work out. Actually, there's nothing I've ever read in the Big Book that says I should get a sponsor, although it is implied that Bob and Bill kind of sponsored each other. The idea of having a sponsor has been passed down through the years in AA for a reason. There are several things that we practice that aren't in writing but are good ideas and worth doing. But, the nice thing about AA is that we can all do it our own way. Just don't be surprised if one day something happens and you have no one to talk to.

Good luck!

[odaat]

Music, how would you recommend I get a sponsor? I've not felt a connection with anyone yet, and I'm really, really struggling to talk to people at meetings. I try and talk, but nothing comes out. At the moment, all I can do is cry.

[nandm]

If they give out phone lists at the meetings you go to try what I was told to do in early recovery. Make a point to call one person on the list each day. Even if they do not answer leave a message. The message can be a simple "hi, I got your number from the meeting the other night". If they do answer, most people that put their number on a list for newcomers are willing to talk to the newcomer. They will help you with the conversation. Even if it is simply them relaying their story to you. You probably will not be in a position where you have to talk a lot unless you want to. But it is a good way to help face your anxiety and get a little control of it. It also gives you the opportunity to speak to people away from the rooms of A.A. It gives you a different perspective when talking with them.

[mike_mass]

You can alsways build up a network of friends first then gradually get close to someone you respect. Remember, everyone has feet of clay.

[Music]

Originally Posted by odaat

Music, how would you recommend I get a sponsor? I've not felt a connection with anyone yet, and I'm really, really struggling to talk to people at meetings. I try and talk, but nothing comes out. At the moment, all I can do is cry.

First off, you've only been to one meeting, according to your first post. I realize it's hard to meet people and talk, but what really helps is going to meetings and getting comfortable with people. I went to a meeting every night of the week for months, and sometimes two a day. I went with my sponsor because I was afraid to meet people by myself. If all you can do is cry for now, that's good! It's a way of cleansing your insides.

To start with, when you go to your next meeting, let the people there know you're knew, and that you're scared and have trouble getting comfortable in groups. Ask for numbers you can call, and also, let them know you're looking for a sponsor. You may get a volunteer, or you may have to ask. But EASY DOES IT!! You'll feel that connection when it happens. You may have to try a couple times and you'll be surprised that people will watch out for you. Obviously, if you want to meet people and get comfortable with people, you have to go where people are, and if you're alcoholic, your best bet's an AA meeting. Just one word of caution. I don't know whether you're male or female, but stick with your own gender when choosing a sponsor. It cuts down the chances of generating more fourth step material.

[odaat]

Thanks for the advice. I've been to five different meetings, each one about 3 or 4 times. I've spoken to people about sponsorship, but I've not met anyone that I've felt that I can ask. I've got a few more numbers, and I'm going to try and text a few people this week. I'm just going to keep going to meetings, and keep trying my best. I think this is going to take an awful long time, but I'll probably get there.

[Barto]

Chuck C stayed sober about 40 years without ever having a sponsor. He was also probably the most spiritual alcoholic I’ve ever heard of. And his book, “A New Pair of Glasses,” is one of the best books on living sober I’ve ever read.

Do I advocate not having a sponsor? No. Do advocate having a sponsor? No – not just one anyway. You can have may sponsors / teachers in this program. It is wonderful. Of course, I do advocate taking the steps, because, well, they are the program.

If you really want a sponsor, try asking God for one and see what happens. Best of luck.

[nandm]

The Big Book in the first 164 pages does not talk about sponsors. It does talk about one alcoholic passing along their experience, strength and hope to another alcoholic.

[Music]

Originally Posted by Barto

Chuck C stayed sober about 40 years without ever having a sponsor. He was also probably the most spiritual alcoholic I’ve ever heard of. And his book, “A New Pair of Glasses,� is one of the best books on living sober I’ve ever read.

Do I advocate not having a sponsor? No. Do advocate having a sponsor? No – not just one anyway. You can have may sponsors / teachers in this program. It is wonderful. Of course, I do advocate taking the steps, because, well, they are the program.

If you really want a sponsor, try asking God for one and see what happens. Best of luck.

Barto, we all have sponsors! Maybe not in the formal sense but we all do. My wife's been sober 31 years and doesn't have a sponsor; hasn't for a long time. I don't recommend it. I wouldn't tell her that 'cause it's none of my business. My sponsor has 28 years sobriety and I wouldn't be without him/one. Never have been! Yeah, I know there are ways around having a sponsor but to me, that's cutting corners and like they say, "half measures will get you half sobriety."

[Barto]

That was sort of my point. We all have sponsors and we all sponsor.

I believe the book says half measures availed us nothing, but this is in regard to taking the steps and [finding] God. And nandm is correct, the first 164 pages (the text of AA) says nothing about sponsorship at all. Also, Chuck “C” (Chamberlain), had a pretty darn good program. Have you read “A New Pair of Glasses”? If not, you can buy it along with the first 164 pages of the Big Book for a few bucks. Very highly recommended reading, written by a man who lived the program of AA in all areas of his life.