I can't bring myself to pick up a white chip

[mrsmurph]

I went to my second meeting last night. It was a beginnners group and much smaller than the group on Tuesday, so it was a little more comfortable. I read the promises and met a couple more people. One chick even invited me to her bday party next week! I guess I could check it out, I mean, I don't have to worry about driving drunk and getting a DWI right? That's one thing I won't miss ONE BIT!

So here's my problem, at the end you know they do the chips? I'm 7 days sober now, so I should have a white chip right? I don't. I don't feel right picking one up because they say "If you are ready to surrender, pick up your white chip". I don't know if I'm ready to surrender. To me, surrender is weakness, defeat. I surrendered to alcohol and let it do what it wanted with me and this is where I ended up. I thought what I was doing was the opposite of surrender? I'm challenging this addiction head on dammit! And I'm gonna win!

Am I a hypocrite if I continue going to meetings and feel this way? It really does help me to hear people's stories and talk with them, I just can't quite buy what AA is selling yet so to speak.

[Sugah]

I couldn't understand for a long time the "surrender to win" paradox. How, exactly, does that work?

With me, it came down to surrendering to the fact that I was, indeed, alcoholic and that I could not control my alcoholism by any other means I'd tried (religion, therapy, self-help books, geographical change, etc...).

I read in an earlier post where you said that once you started drinking, you could not stop. Same with me, same with most alcoholics I've heard from. That alone helped me to determine that I was powerless over alcohol -- that once it was in me, I could not predict what would happen next (though I did get pretty good at forseeing the arrival of the police!). Problem was, I could forget that little bit of information and pick back up again. Knowing it was not enough to help me to control it. I was powerless, and I needed a solution. So, I started working the steps and found my solution.

I think the kind of surrender you may be thinking of is 3rd step surrender -- making that decision to turn your will and life over to a power greater than yourself. I don't think that's a prerequisite to taking a white chip. If you can agree and accept the first step, that's enough.

For the record, even though I've received a number of chips since the first, I still keep a 24 hr chip on top of the little case that holds my current one. To me, that's the most important one.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[whispering_owl]

just pick up a white chip and don't worry about semantics.....whispering owl

[Cathy31]

you deserve that chip it means where I live 24 hour clean/sober and willing to quite - for today at least. Never min about the semantics or how they couch it...soon you'll have a 30 day chip and it goes on! Each day gets better and better, glad you are going to meetings and it's ok if you don't totally buy it - fake it til you make it - it works!!!!!I promise you!!! Also glad you got to read the promises they DO come true - sometimes slowly sometimes quickly but they WILL materialise if you work at it! Good luck - keep going back , look for similarities not differences! You're in the right place!

cathy31
x

[CarolD]

Hi MM....
You do not have to pick up a chip...
any chip...any time. It's not a requirement.

I'm glad to see you are attending AA
it's an awesome adventure...

[Afraid2Succeed]

I advocate any treatment or recovery that will work. that being said, i too could not stomach the whole 'surrendering' bit. first let me preface my next statement by saying my DOC was marijuana, so its withdrawals and cravings are different. however, i choose to 'empower' myself (not surrender) to change the people, places and things. by surrounding myself with people who will not tolerate my smoking, i am empowering myself.

the AA/NA/MA/SA 12-step program is great for most people but not me. im 9 days sober and loving every minute of it!

[CareBearStare]

I know what you mean mrsmurph, I am struggling to know whether or not AA is for me. I am not very religious.. I mean I think there is probably a God but I am not sure about how all that faith stuff works. I am more of a scientific thinker. I feel like I need to be empowered to beat this thing not powerless. Maybe I am just making excuses not to go because I know that it means that I am serious about stopping for good not for just a while. It is very hard with my husband being a drinking buddy of mine. However he has seen my problem and thinks that I should just cut back when I do drink. I dont think he understands that its pretty much impossible especially when that party bug bites. I have tried this before but without AA. I dont want people to know I have a problem because if I do mess up I dont want people to bother me about it. lol.. That is sad. Maybe the fake it to make it is a good idea... lol

[Cathy31]

Carbear interesting post and I can relate...I guess for me accepting that I am powerless over alcohol - the SUBSTANCE once i INGEST it - is empowering for me...it means for that over the last 18 months I have not ONCE been out of control due to alcohol...I mean I'm sorry but what alcoholic is pwerful OVER alcohol!? Hello, isn't that the problem that once we start drinking we can't stop...the substance (alcohol) affects us in ways that makes our lives unmanageable...erm, that is like " hangovers, not able to be reliable, doing things we're ashamed of, things we honestly would NOT do if sober - in the past 18 months I have not done anything that I am BITTERLY ashamed for - yes, i've been wrong or arrogant or selfish but I can acknowledge it and move on and try better - in active alcoholism I did stuff that made me HATE myself. having blackouts etc the lsit goes on. For me, how can one - with all this evidence - have a problem saying I am powerless once I put alcohol INTO my body - I can't guarantee where I'm gonna end up. As a guy in my group says - "Remember X from our group, well he used to go visit his granny for a drink and after a couple she'd go to bed...and he'd go to jail..!!" LOL! So true! The amount of times I woke up literally BEWILDERED it took alot but eventually I realised the answer....I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable! Pure ego meant it took years to notice what others had noticed long ago!!! Today, my life is totally manageable and very happy. With its downs too. I am still powerless over alcohol, so I don't put it in my body. Simple. I don't have a problem with that.

To the contrary, admitting that powerlessness, physiologically to the substance alcohol and admitting my life HAD become unmanageable (it had!!!!) was actually EMPOWERING. It allowed me to move on.

My husband too was a drinking buddy...he was not an alcoholic - boy I am still ashamed of what I did and how I manipulated him into drinking 'with' me - regardless of HIS welfare just wanted to fulfil my selfish need to drink...we were divorced by the time I quit. Thank God for teh steps because that is helping me to deal with the wrongs I did to the people I loved most. Very sad, but as they say in the big book : we will not regret the past or wish to close the door on it. I am grateful in my life for AA today.


Good luck!

Cathy31
x

[Cathy31]

Originally Posted by Afraid2Succeed

by surrounding myself with people who will not tolerate my smoking, i am empowering myself.

the AA/NA/MA/SA 12-step program is great for most people but not me. im 9 days sober and loving every minute of it!

Good for you! I advocate what works for me, and I'm glad you have found something that you feel works for you.

If it continues to work for you, please come and tell us about it to give the newcomer hope.

If it doesn't work - i.e. if you start using again for whatever reason - I'd encourage you to try something different - i.e. NA or MA. Marijuana is such a conniving substance...as are many I suppose...and addicition is cunning baffling and powerful!

Please keep posting and good luck!

[Peter]

Don't pick up a chip if you don't want to and don't worry if there are things you hear in AA that you do not understand. I too felt confounded by all the slogans i was hearing about powerlessness and surrender. In my world strength and power is hailed and weaknesses are frowned upon.

AA is not trying to tell us we are weak but rather to acknowledge that I have a weakness in my ability to control my consumption of alcohol and there is no shame in that. We all have our weaknesses every single one of us whether we are within AA or outside of it. It takes courage to admit our weakness and to try and do something about it.

I feel sad to think that in the past ten years ago that the most empowering programme of recovery (AA) has become a topic of destructive criticism and even contempt in books and television.

[nandm]

I love a positive attitude

I'm challenging this addiction head on dammit! And I'm gonna win!

I maintained mine for the most part up until the end. I was extrememly self willed. I propelled myself through life. If I wanted something I just set my mind to it and 90% of the time succeeded. The only thing I could not win against without help was my alcoholism.

don't feel right picking one up because they say "If you are ready to surrender, pick up your white chip". I don't know if I'm ready to surrender. To me, surrender is weakness, defeat. I surrendered to alcohol and let it do what it wanted with me and this is where I ended up. I thought what I was doing was the opposite of surrender?

The only thing I could not win against without help was my alcoholism. Ironically, the only way for me to beat it was to surrender to the fact that it was kicking my *** and I was losing the war. I guess that surrendering to the fact that I am not all powerful, especially regarding alcoholism, was what it took to start some very positive changes in my life. I may have had an issue with picking up a chip if it had been worded that way. This topic reminds me of a story I heard some time ago:
There was a man and his son. The father wanted the son to learn some life lessons so he instructed the young man to go out into the field and move a huge boulder. He told the son he could use anything he needed to get the job done (of course this was during a time before backhoes were made). So the young man goes out to the rock, pushes as hard as he can, tries prying it with a stick, and many other methods, finally he goes back to his father and says "I failed" "I can not move the rock". His father asks him "Have you tried everything?" His response was "yes". His father replies "go back and try again as you have not tried everything." Disgusted the son goes back out and works on the boulder the rest of the day, all to no avail. With the sun setting fast, he finds his father and nearly in tears, exhausted from the attempt he says "I have tried everything and still I can not move it. What more can I do?" His father quietly replies "You could have asked for help." With this reply he takes his son back out into the field and side by side they move the boulder. The moral of the story Sometimes the only way to win is to surrender to the fact that we need help.

Today, the word surrended does not bother me because I do not see it as a failure but as a strength. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but can be a sign of strength.

By the way it took me almost 3 months to get the courage up to raise my hand for a 24 hour chip. So needless to say I can be a slow learner.

[REZ]

I didn't really understand the whole "surrender" business when I picked up my white chip. What I did know is that I tired of the life I was living and I was ready to try something new--one day at a time.

[Astro]

Around here we call them desire chips, they signify your desire to stop drinking. Sounds like you might have that?

[SaTiT]

some one had to explain to me in ways that I can comprehed.
if i surrender...weak or not weak = the fight is over.

just like going to war, if your enemy surrender, dosn't neccessry
mean that they're weak...they just stopped fighting.

I can only draw from my own experince. Ya see..i wasn't sober
to begin with when i attended AA. Then i put 2 weeks together
and relapsed, then I put 30 days together then relapsed.
Then I put 90days together then relapsed. it took me over a year
to get 6 months.

well when I relasped at the 90days...i had whisp of wind blowning
through my head. Plus the alcohol wasn't working like i wanted to
work any more. i wasn't plaster or having fun anymore doing it, but
why in the hell I kept on drinking even when it wasn't fun or working
anymore ? it was totally wrong...

I figure i stop fighting it and get on the bussiness of recovery
instead of finding out why or what is wrong with AA...

i really wanted to find what was wrong with me and how i can
correct that. As a fun, crazy, party hardy drunk...I thought it
was totally wrong, wrong, that i didn't get drunk if i drank.
It stopped working without my permission..lol

That would be the extend of my spiritaul awakening moment.lol
no angles....

did i totally surrender at the moment...hardly. lol
I still have a crap load of defects of charecter that i'm not willing to let
go of yet...i think that's why it never got removed..lol

But i keep coming back no matter.

[Pinkcuda]

Quote:"I don't know if I'm ready to surrender. To me, surrender is weakness, defeat. I surrendered to alcohol and let it do what it wanted with me and this is where I ended up. I thought what I was doing was the opposite of surrender? I'm challenging this addiction head on dammit! And I'm gonna win!"

Try saying this:

GOD:
Allow me to be strong enough to know when I am weak, and brave enough to face myself when I am afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
Give me humility, so that I may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength.
Amen.


Also, If you think it's a weakness to admit defeat by something more powerful try stepping out in front of a bus and see who wins. There is no shame in admitting defeat. I fought it for years.
I wish you the best.