they're calling already

[mrsmurph]

I went to my first meeting last night and I've already gotten a phone call from someone. They want me to go tonight too. there's no way I can go more than once a week without creating a huge disturbance in my husband's life and don't know how to tell them that.

I mainly don't want to cause any weirdness for my husband. We just got married in May and I know this is really sucking for him as he can drink normally and I can't and had to quit. he is probably missing his #1 drinking buddy as it is (me) and now all this silliness starts. Sigh.

If you'd like you can read my 1st time experience on the newcomers page.

[51anna]

Silliness?

[mrsmurph]

You know, self-stroking and ignoring him. "oh, I have to go to my AA meeting, sorry about spending time with you and dinner and all that" "oh, I'm so sick I need my support group, you're not good enough" etc. Not the way I feel, but I don't want him to feel like that's how it's going to be with me not drinking.

[Tazman53]

mrsmurph have you sat down with your husband and spoken to him about this? You know you may be pleasantly surprised to find that he may want to attend some "Open" AA meetings with you.

You know my wife is a Normal drinker, to support me she has had a grand total of 1 beer & a couple of jello shooters in the last year. Being a normal drinker she never viewed me as a drinking buddy, she could care less if she had a drink or not. BTW she does go to one open AA speakers meeting with me a week and loves it.

[mrsmurph]

Umm, I've talked to him about it a little but it makes me feel embarrassed. he looks at me so weird ya know? Like I tricked him or something.

Honestly, I think he may have a problem too but I refuse to be a shrew about it. His mom was an alky and his brother has drug abuse and alcohol problems. When I quit last thursday after an awful week-long drunk while on vacation, which included me going out after everyone was asleep to see if you could really drown swimming in the ocean after dark by yourself (I didn't, but I saw how you can, easily), I did alot of experiments like that for a while. OOps, off topic.

Anyway, he decided to quit monday thru thursday and drink only on the weekends. He drank 3 12 packs of beer friday night thru sunday night by himself. Maybe that's fine for him, because he hasn't had any during this week and says he hasn't had any cravings. But it seems like alot now that I'm an objective observer.

[mike_mass]

Originally Posted by mrsmurph

He drank 3 12 packs of beer friday night thru sunday night by himself.

Well, if my math is right that amounts to a twelve pack per day. Kind of a lot, I think.

[Tazman53]

I will not comment on his drinking, but during my 40 years of drinking I went from a binge drinker to a maintenance drinker to a binge drinker for the first 35 years of my drinking, in the end I was a maintenance drinker because I had no choice in the matter mixed in with binges!

A person can be an alcoholic and only drink once a month, another person can drink daily and not be an alcoholic.

[mrsmurph]

True. But what's the clue that you actually ARE and alcoholic? I know I was because I couldn't not drink, nor could I stop once I started, also that it was getting worse and worse. What was your clue?

[Emimily]

i don't think he'll mind. if you're really an alcoholic, to drink is to die. he'd rather have you alive, i think.

plus, you'll get to feeling better about you. and is y'all grow in different ways, then cross that bridge when you come to it. but don't worry right now. just remember-god, sobriety, everything else. and if he's gonna support you, he will. no questions asked.

[mrsmurph]

hi em, I'm in charlotte too! Do you go to aa?

[Emimily]

yep
what meetings do you hit?

[mike_mass]

Originally Posted by mrsmurph

True. But what's the clue that you actually ARE and alcoholic? I know I was because I couldn't not drink, nor could I stop once I started, also that it was getting worse and worse. What was your clue?

I had the same problem as you. It also had to do with me waking up every morning pissed that I had woken up...didn't want to kill myself but was hoping I would die in my sleep. Couldn't look in the mirror, was getting sick all the time, was always looking forward to the drink and oblivion.

[Tazman53]

Well, if my math is right that amounts to a twelve pack per day. Kind of a lot, I think.

Mike in the end that was maintenance drinking for me!!! I could not even cop a buzz off of a 12 pack a day!!!

What was your clue?

mrsmurph that is the same indications I had in the end, but if years ago I had been capable of being honest with myself I could have take this test and figured out I was an alcoholic probably 30 years before I quit http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/....cfm?PageID=71

When I did quit I answered 10 out of 12 of the questions yes, if I had kept on drinking I am sure I would have aced it, but I know I would have easily have had at 5 or 6 out of the 12 30 years before I quit and it only takes 4 yes to indicate one has a problem.

I hate to say this but in regards to your husband the best thing you can do for him is to let him do what he is going to do and focus on your own drinking, if he does get a lot worse and you have a good grasp on your own sobriety you may want to go to alanon, there are quite a few AA folks that are in alanon as well, due to a spouse or child having a problem.

[mrsmurph]

Em,

I went to my 1st last night at springdale. It was awkward.

[Emimily]

the 10 p.m.?

[mrsmurph]

No, 6pm. I'm asleep at 10 LOL (old person)

[Emimily]

you should check out Came to Believe on Mondays and Fridays at 8 p.m. it's at the St. John's church on Carmel right off of Fairview... across from that high school. On Mondays it splits into 5 small groups: closed discussion, 2 beginner's meetings, a big book study, and a step study. On Fridays it's an open speaker meeting, so you could bring your husband if you want. Tonight, there's a meeting at the chruch across from South Park mall at 8 p.m. that's really good, it's called the South Park meeting (duh ) and everyday at noon there's a meeting at the Pilgrim church on Sharon Road that's awesome. I'm going to the 10 p.m. tonight because I'm giving my BFF her year chip, and I am SO excited and proud of her...

p.m. me, maybe we can meet at a meeting.

[mrsmurph]

that would be cool, I'll look for you! I'm trying to figure which would be best timing-wise. I work from 7am to 5pm, after-work chores are walk/jog with the dog and husband, cook dinner, eat dinner, water the gardens, shower, bed by 10 so it's really tough to squeeze anything else in more than once a week. I will check em out though!

Thanx!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Mrs Murph,

We gave the same tag line :-).

Do you have kids?

I found that I had a lot of reasons why I couldn't go to meetings, cause ya know if I wasn't around the house for that hour and half, life as we know it would stop.

I go to three, maybe four meetings a week. My partner is in recovery as well, so we go together, but don't you think that your hubby could spare you for that time? That doesn't seem excessive to me.

And people at meetings share stuff in their lives because us alkies like to isolate ourselves (oh boy, can't believe I'm the one saying this cause that's exactly what I do) and by opening up in meetings they get to ask for help, get it out, and that helps them stay sober that day.

Seems to me the part of you that wants to keep drinking is talking a whole bunch today..

big hugs

Karen

[mrsmurph]

Ashamed

[RufusACanal]

mrsmurph,

Welcome. You are embarking on a wonderful new life. I too had the idea of going to the beach with a half gallon of vodka and floating off in the sunset. I could never get into the water and off the beach; always needed just one more drink. I can laugh about it now, almost, but I remember those moments like they were yesterday as well as people always walking on the frigging beach when I wanted to just fade away. Of course, I hid my bottle, not because of concerns for the law, but my remaining dignity was still important. LOL, here I am in the best torn shorts and dirty shirt that I own with a cool looking disposable glass and the ice bag stashed behind me and the half gallon bottle in the sand hidden, just waiting for the end of the next drink so I can walk into the ocean never to return. Never the smart drunk; I didn't think I would need more vodka after the half gallon was gone because I would be dead. Evidently, I never died, becasue I would have to crawl to the car and drive, yes drive to the liquor store and buy another half gallon. I never drank the next one that day, usually, but at least I was ready for the next morning. I had better have some kind of drink as soon as I came to or I was seeing bugs before you know it.

Do you want the insanity and the uncertainity to go away? First, you might want to work on yourself ...alone. Go to meetings when asked, go when not asked, just go to meetings. Sooner rather than later you will meet a woman much like you. In fact if you go to meetings for awhile, you'll meet men and women who have fought the same battles, cried the same tears and felt the same things as you and and they have recovered from the same seemingly hopeless condition. Hard choices are ahead for you.

Finally, if you have determined that a new life is worth the struggle to achieve and you have drank all you want to drink, find a quiet place alone where you can ask something greater, larger than you for help. If you are sincere, you will receive the strength necessary to do what needs be to done; recover.

My best to you. These are only suggestions, if they fit great, if not my typing practice was worth it!

R

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

No, don't be ashamed. I'm sorry if I came off harsh...I'm not really myself either these days..

I think that if you and Em could hook up..that would be awesome! She's got some serious recovery going.

I just wanted to have you see that your alkie mind will tell you all kinds of stuff to make sure that you drink..it did to me.

Big hugs

Karen

[miss communicat]

mrs murph,

earlier in the thread you asked how one can tell if one is alcoholic vs a normal or even heavy drinker?

For this alcoholic, it definitely was not quantity consumed nor even frequency. I t was something written about in the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous', called the phenomenom of craving. That is, once I have a drink, I CRAVE another. If I am trying moderation, entire days will be filled with thoughts of when it will be okay to have my glass of wine.

Not a great way to live, and the reason I am sober. For me, it is easier actually to abstain 100% rather than try to control my drinking by a certain percentage.