The Obcession and the Answer

[nandm]

The Obsession and the Answer taken from As Bill Sees It, The A.A. Way of Life (selected writings of A.A.'s co-founder)

The idea that somehow, some day, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30)

Alcoholism, not cancer, was my illness, but what was the difference? Was not alcohlism also a consumer of body and mind? Alcoholism took longer to do its killing, but the result was the same. So, I decided, if there was a great physician who could cure the alcoholic sickness, I had better seek him at once. (A.A. Comes of Age, p. 61

[nandm]

Like so many others, I wasted many years with the obsession that one day I would be able to control my drinking. I changed from wine to beer, beer to wine, hard liquor to wine coolers, and back. Tried only drinking on my days off, that never lasted long. Did several geographical moves. One major one at the end of my drinking career. As well as many other things to try to control my drinking. In retrospect I was quite persistent with the belief that I would eventually be able to control my drinking. Fortunately, I did not do it into the gates of death, just a little insanity (maybe a lot depending on how honestly I want to look at it).

I am so grateful that I finally came to the realization that for me drinking was a slow suicide that was taking everyone who cared about me down with me. This was what brought me to the edge of suicide. Fortunately, my Higher Power showed me grace and steered me towards A.A. When I get the thought that a drink might be okay, all I have to do is remeber the wasted years obsessing about controlling my drinking, and the desperation of not wanting to live like that but not wanting to die.

[Astro]

I love that reading from More About Alcoholism, it sends chills up my spine to think of the insanity that I emerged from. Thanks for sharing, I've been thinking a lot of those same thoughts lately.

[chip]

Insanity

That sums up my adventures with control and alcohol. I thought I was learning how to drink properly, and one day I'd be normal. When vigilant about gaining control, I'd suffer under self imposed rules and regulations. Most of the time, however, I let myself drink as much as I wanted. For many years, I didn't even think about it.

When my morning drinking became an everyday affair, I started to worry about "re-gaining control". I eliminated the morning drinks when I took a night job and started sleeping in untill afternoon. I actually was proud of myself for eliminating the morning drinking this way. I convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink before noon anymore.

I can remember having a night when I only drank 3 beers. I went to bed thinking I was in control of my drinking... at last. Other nights, I'd gone to bed in a black out. Having the odd night when I wasn't completly liquored up made me think I was tightening my grip on the reigns.

I believe that control of my drinking is an illusion for me.

In all my adventures with alcohol, I am now convinced of this fact:

Once you become obsessed with control, you've lost all control.

The incident that drove this home for me was the one day that I managed to abstain all day, until 9pm. At 9pm I had one beer. I then drank all night alone in my garage. I went to work the next day, my first day back after a long holiday. Any person who had any real control over their drinking wouldn't have done that.

My obsession began to lift when I took the first step.
chip

[CarolD]

I moved this to our 12 Step Forum
as it is clearly AA