Help with the 3rd step

[igfan]

I know there are a lot of different ways to work the steps...when it comes to the third step I always hear "I held hands with my sponsor and we said the 3rd step prayer"....and that's it, they're done with the step. My sponsor gives me "homework", I get like a worksheet with questions, and I'm supposed to write down my answers to these questions. Ex: What does the phrase "God as we understood him" mean? What is your concept of a Higher Power?...things like that. OK, this is where I need help..one of the questions has me stumped. What is a recent example in your life of excercising self-will instead of following what you believe might be God's will? My sponsor gave me an example of where I had been excersing self-will....but I'm still having trouble comprehending "self-will".

I was just wondering if anyone had examples in their life that they could share that might help me?

Thanks

[lanie67]

My first thought was that my whole life has been an exercise in self-will, lol. I am just kind of coming into a thought process that is comfortable for me, which is similar to taoism, in that I kind of wait for what my gut tells me and watch the signs. In general, I wait, and watch, and listen, rather than plunging in and trying to 'fix' stuff because when I fix it I just kind of screw things up even more. For example in one situation I was recently slandered. I have tried to defend myself to certain people, when I realize in hindsight I should have done a first, second and third step on it at every opportunity. Realized I was powerless over what other people think and just kind of of let it go. But I got into my self-will and made the situation worse, I think, in some cases.

[jimhere]

One day I was at a meeting at a local hall. During the meeting, people would go around the room pouring coffee.

I got up during the meeting to get myself a cup of coffee. As I walked toward the coffee pots, it occurred to me that if I only got a cup for myself, others might think I was selfish. So I went around the room pouring coffee and then got a cup for myself.

Now it might appear that serving the others coffee was a definite act of me following God's will to be of service to my fellows. But what was behind that was my ego wanting to appear unselfish so that the others will think I'm unselfish and so that they will like me. So I sometimes live on self-will even when my motives are good and am self-seeking even when trying to be kind.
Jim

[Peter]

Originally Posted by igfan

What is a recent example in your life of excercising self-will instead of following what you believe might be God's will? My sponsor gave me an example of where I had been excersing self-will....but I'm still having trouble comprehending "self-will".

I was just wondering if anyone had examples in their life that they could share that might help me?

Thanks

Whenever I am manipulative or controlling I am exercising "self will".

I can use lies and half truths to manipulate others to my will.

I can use "blaming" or "shaming" or anger or even body language and silence to control others.

I am pleased to hear of the in depth approach you and your sponsor have taken in working this Step.

[GlassPrisoner]

Gods Will.......that one used to baffle me. How can I know what Gods Will for me is, and am I doing it ?

I though His Will for me would be something like doing missionary work in zambawa, or becoming a monk.

But, more is to be revealed. One day, out of the blue, I had this though. "Maybe Gods Will for me is simply staying sober, helping other drunks, and raising my two teenage daughters...."

I know when I wake up in the morning, and DON"T do my daily meditation and prayer, my day usually goes pretty bad. I guess if it's my idea, and I have an specific expectation of the outcome (especially in matters that don't concern things directly in my control), it's self will. Read the part of the Big Book about the director and the play.

So as fas as a specific example, I can't answer. Hopefully I did in general.

[Sugah]

That same suggestion from my sponsor keeps coming back, useful regardless of the circumstances. If I'm faced with choosing a path, I ask (usually in her voice), "What are my motives?"

Like Jim, I get the answer.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Peter]

Today I have "knowledge of God's will for me" because today I know better.

I am a better judge of right from wrong because of the wisdom that recovery brings. If I am unsure I seek council from my elders.

Most of the time I know when I am doing the right thing (God's will) because of a feeling of peace I have inside.

[SaTiT]

the step and traditions gose hand in hand as my sponsor say..
I had heck of a time with beliving in god again, because my
perception of god was warped.

I found my answer in tradition #2..
A loving god that would express itself in my conscience

I belive in tradition #3 the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking..
So i just started off with that , a desire or willingness.

mysponsor also told me the three principles
1 honesty 2 openmind 3 willingness...repeats itself
or if I get lost i apply these principle to the steps..

exmaple;...to work step #4..use honesty
#5, openmind
#6, willingness

grudalluy as I use these principle as the foundations.. I learn other principles
within each step. I use the principle of the previouse steps to work on the
current step.

[Tazman53]

Wow some excellent and helpful replies for me and I did not ask the question!!! Funny how that works!

A simple little test for me if it is self will or God's will, is if I feel uncomfortable about doing something or I am ignoring an inner feeling telling me something I am doing or about to do. If I am ignoring that inner voice or it does not feel right it is self will, if it feels good and or that voice is telling me it is the right thing it is God's will.

As Lanie said "I wait, and watch, and listen", that is great, there are very few things in life that require immediate decisions or actions.

[jimhere]

A sidenote on Taz's comment.

For me it has been a little different (not always), but in many instances. I have heard that if it "feels good" it must be God's will. I have done many things in my life that felt great that I absolutely know were not God's will.

On the hand, some of the actions required of me to recover have not always been comfortable or felt good-like telling the truth or making amends. The peace comes afterward for me.
Jim

[Tazman53]

"feels good"

Jim there is so much more to it then if it feels good do it as I am sure you are implying and I totally agree.

Heck sex feels good, but is it with the person you are supposed to have it with? Are you taking advantage of some one or a situation? Are you making love or having sex with your wife? Making love is for the 2 of you, having sex is self centered, feels good but it is not right.

[jimhere]

Hey Taz,
Your example is perfect. In my self-centered way, I have used anyone or anything to feel good and look good.
Jim

[c'est la vie]

ig, i'm glad you asked this question. I wonder the answer on a daily basis. I've been trying very hard lately to keep my mind open to signs indicating the right path (I ask for guidance and the ability to recognize the signs). And when it seems that things are not working the way I wanted them to, I step back and wonder if maybe that's a sign that "my way" wasn't "His way". I'm trying not fit square pegs in round holes.

Here's my example: My son had to pack his lunch for a bus trip and was going to be gone for a week. I wanted him to leave happy and healthy since I didn't know how well he'd eat while he was gone so I really wanted him to pack a full well balanced lunch. He packed a tortilla rolled with cheese, Pringles, and a waffle. ??? As a mother Hellbent on making my kids do what I want, I nagged him all day about packing a good lunch (he kept saying "yes"), then yelled at him at the end of the day for packing a bad lunch and listed all the healthy food choices in the house, then yelled at him for not taking responsibility for such a simple task. I then proceded to leave the room and pout as everyone was waiting for us to play a family board game.

He didn't pack his lunch the way I wanted him to and I didn't offer help for him to learn so I got mad, sulked about being a terrible mother, and maybe subconsciously wished he would fix his lunch the way I wanted it done. In the end I let it go and came back to play the game which was probably the best lesson I could teach my kids about "letting go and moving on". He'll probably be hungry, but this was a lesson he needed to learn, and I need to learn to either show him the healthy options in the beginning or keep my nose out of it. I could so easily see myself being the director of the BB play and getting angry that the actors weren't doing their part correctly.

My good example is that so many things of this move are going haywire (or are not happening at all, grrr) and when I feel like crying or screaming, I honestly do just sit back and say that it will all fall into place in due time and that there is nothing I can do to force it. And those pieces are slowly (very slowly!!) coming into place.