Suspicious Behavior By An AA Sponsor

[OpenMindedLA]

Hello All,

I have become increasingly suspicious of an in-law of mine who has been active in AA for almost twenty years and who has served as an AA sponsor to numerous individuals.

Specifically, my in-law is a male who exclusively sponsors women. To my knowledge, he has NEVER sponsored a man. In addition, the women whom he sponsors are almost always young and/or attractive women. One very young and attractive female whom he sponsored was actually invited into his home and stayed in their spare bedroom for several weeks on different occasions.

He also prevented that same young woman from spending time alone with men, probably a reflection of a rule that discourages an AA sponsoree from dating in the first year of their recovery. It seemed strange to me that a "rule" like this was enforced while the "rule" of same-sex sponsorship seems to have been easily overlooked.

I inquired with him as to why he has only sponsored women in AA to which he responded with a simple "...that's just the way it worked out with me."

Should I be suspicious of this behavior or is he simply being a good sponsor?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Sugah]

He'd end up with some pretty intense AA group therapy if he were in this area.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[SaTiT]

What rules there's no rules in AA.
There's guideline and suggestions.
And most of the time it's of the same sex for sponsorship.
but it's not a rule, becuase I've been hit up on by men..but I'm not gay
mmm..i still like my long hair.

I can't come to any conclusion, but if you're inquiring from a kid
that got caught with his hands in the cookie jar...it's always going to be
"NO I didn't do it". that works for the kid too.

I would swear sponsorship is to help others and never ment to be worked for me.

The only time I sponsored a female it was beucase she was still in HS
and I was the youngest person closer to her age..even then I felt
a bit wierd and was only her temp until her could learn how to trust
other women. She did so also knowing I had a GF and felt safe.
I treated more like a younger sister if anything. She didn't trust women
for some reasons, mainly becuase of her relationship with her mother.

[OpenMindedLA]

Originally Posted by Sugah

He'd end up with some pretty intense AA group therapy if he were in this area.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Can you elaborate on that?

[Sugah]

First of all, that was a joke. In a manner of speaking.

Around here, it's suggested that one get a sponsor who has a sponsor, and any good sponsor is going to strongly suggest that opposite sex sponsorship is a big no-no.

Also, if there was a guy like that on the prowl, the other guys would be having a talk with him and all the women would be surrounding all newcomer women to warn them against that sort of situation.

I'd ask...where's his homegroup? Where's his sponsor? It sounds like there's a problem beyond just this guy.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Peter]

Is there a lack of female sponsors in your area?

Does this guy attend meetings regularly and does he have a (male) sponsor?

Where is his wife while his female sponsees are sleeping over?

Apparently your inlaw must be some really special kind of sponsor to specialize exclusively in only attractive young women and to have been doing it for so long.

No there are no "rules" in AA but I believe there are "boundaries" and as far as men sponsoring women is concerned I believe there should be a boundary.

I am not saying men cannot provide some guidance for female counterparts but women should find a female sponsor as soon as they can.

[OpenMindedLA]

Originally Posted by Peter

Is there a lack of female sponsors in your area?

Does this guy attend meetings regularly and does he have a (male) sponsor?

Where is his wife while his female sponsees are sleeping over?

Apparently your inlaw must be some really special kind of sponsor to specialize exclusively in only attractive young women and to have been doing it for so long.

No there are no "rules" in AA but I believe there are "boundaries" and as far as men sponsoring women is concerned I believe there should be a boundary.

I am not saying men cannot provide some guidance for female counterparts but women should find a female sponsor as soon as they can.

I doubt that there is a lack of AA sponsors in his area (Los Angeles). I'm not sure of how often he attends meetings but I know that he does not have a sponsor.

In general, he seems VERY controlling of the women he sponsors and the fact that he only sponsors women remains disturbing to me.

[CarolD]

I don't have a clue as to what is going on..if anything.

Welcome to SR

[Tazman53]

In my area there was a time many years ago when men did sponsor women due to a severe lack of women in the fellowship.

Today it does not happen, nor do women sponsor men.

In my area it is also reccommended that a sponsor:

Have a sponsor.

Have completed at least through step 8 and working steps 9-12.

Have a years sobriety (I had my sponsor tell me I needed to start sponsoring with 7 months?)

If he does not have a sponsor & sponsors only attractive younger women then I would not call him a sponsor at all, I would call him a 13th stepper.

Are you in AA?

[miss communicat]

It sounds icky. And it probably IS icky. But, we cannot know for sure in this case, because we are not there, and can only discuss this as a general issue, with generalities based on our own AA experience.

That said, sometimes men do legitimately sponsor women. Usually, though, NOT solely attractive young newcomers, NOT exclusive of having other, same gender sponsees, and certainly NOT without having a sponsor himself.

Case in point: My own sponsor, a woman with 30 years in AA, has a male sponsor. Mind you, this is because my own sponsor is bisexual, and she felt that her sponsor "has what she wants" so she will do what he does. He sponsors guys as well as my sponsor.

So you are probably accurate in feeling that something is amiss.

However, because there are no AA police, and because we are a group of self regulating, for the most part, well-intentioned supportive people committed to honest recovery, although a person like your in-law would typically stay outside the group enough to remain undetected, it seems to me, that sooner or later, enough victims of his will speak and word will get out.


It would really **** me off to know that someone in my family were conducting such behaviour and I'd let them know what I thought.

[GlassPrisoner]

My first thought is "It's none of my business....."

That said, I know of two opposite sex sponsorships. Both have tons of sobriety (over 10 and over 20 years). But, that is the exception not the rule.

[Grasshopper]

sometimes a cigar,
is just a cigar.

[best]

I have a spare room and I relate very well with women (have 6 sisters) but no way would I think of doing such a thing...because my wife wouldn't agree with it and I am a male with male feelings.
If his wife has no issue with it and he has sponsored so many over so much time and no problems have come to the surface... I would tend to say...
it is none of my business.

Could I do the same and be a proper sponsor? Yes. I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation though that has others ask such questions as you are asking or adds any more temptations into my life then life already delivers. But I am not him.
If there is no smoke...don't look for a fire.

[Tazman53]

Could I do the same and be a proper sponsor? Yes.

Best I am the same way as you, but the lady sponsee could develop feelings she should not have, that could present problems for both parties even with the sponsor doing the right thing.

[paulmh]

Sounds weird. MIght be totally innocent. But even without the problem of sponsorship across the genders, so many alcoholics (like me) need to keep reminding ourselves that our problem is one of ego and control. If we actively seek out situations in which we are in control and encouraging unequal, ego-serving relationships - well, when we do that we're living in the problem.

[Chy]

Originally Posted by best

If there is no smoke...don't look for a fire.

What he said.

I know coed sponsorship is occuring more often but it's not something I would do. Is he sober still? Think, you said yes. Are they sober still? Who are we to judge then? As Sugah said the elders would address the issue if they thought there was a problem.

[mikel60]

No matter how emo a guy is, or purports to be, there are just some things a man cannot relate to. We don't have the same experiences. Whether or not there is something suspicious going on... who knows? I just think men are better with men, and women with women. Although... when I was sober a little over a year, the director of a local half-way house asked me to sponsor a woman. He explained to me that she was a lesbian so there was no way anything could happen. We tried for about a month, but eventually she went and got a sponsor who could relate better to her situation. I thought that was good because it was just a matter of time before she succombed to my killer blue eyes...

[GlassPrisoner]

Slightly OT

thought that was good because it was just a matter of time before she succombed to my killer blue eyes...

Now THERE's a classic example of alcoholic thinking !!!!!!!

[fraankie]

guys with the guys
girls with the girls
but
i find it curious
as in
"focus on yourself"
"don't take others inventory"
etc


best
fraankie

[Peter]

Sometimes I don't need to take another person's inventory, they openly display it for everyone to see