Help me understand ?

[discoveringme]

ok, it has taken me about 20 years to get real and face this denial. I have a tendancy to call in sick about once a month or more when I am not sick. I wake up and think" I really dont want to go today" so I think up some excuse and call in.

I am going to college right now and this last semester I missed at least 5 times in each class. Once I said my dad was in hospital..he is sick..but it was a lie. Then I may have failed a class because of this, and I start trying to defend myself, and play all innocent like it was all out of my control that my dad was in hospital. All a lie! I am 44 years old. An adult, yet I act like a child about it. I am trying to figure out WHY the heck I do this, and how I can stop it. It has gotten me into trouble many times, and then I act all upset and mad when it gets me into trouble.

HELP!!!

[dgillz]

Here you are on an addition/recovery website, in an alcoholism 12 step forum, it is your very first post and there is not one word about alcohol?

Do you care to share how alcohol fits into the situation you described? Or maybe why you felt a need to visit or post on an alcoholism forum in the first place?

[discoveringme]

Oops, sorry. I thought my profile would be explanation enuf. I am new to this site, not new to being an alcoholic. I know where I am posting, but not sure where this post fits in, so If its in the wrong place, please advise where to post this problem I would appreciate feedback on.

I am an alcoholic, recently relapsed, starting sober again, and trying to figure out why I do these things, and begin to make changes in my life. I call in sick, not necessarily when drinking but any time, even after 2 years of sobriety.

I do not attend a lot of AA mtgs, which is why I do not know exactly where this post fits in the 12 steps, but I thought I could get some valuable feedback to assist me in my recovery.

[Peter]

Discoveringme welcome to the forums.

I started drinking around age 13. It did not take me long to become addicted to the euphoria and the false sense of "well being" that alcohol presented. I realized that alcohol "took my pain away", so for 20 years I used alcohol as a coping means for difficulties in life.

All relationship and new changes in life presented new challenges with difficulties to overcome.We learn and grow and mature when we face these challenges and seek resolutions for our problems.Alcohol shortcircuits our ablity to mature and to develop new survival skills which is why as an adult I knew very little about how to deal with a problem.In some ways I was still a 13 y.o boy struggling to deal with life.

[parentrecovers]

nice to meet you, discoveringme. you thinking starting aa meetings?

blessings, k

keep posting!

[Sugah]

discovering me, I told those kinds of lies when I was drinking...and continued to tell them when I was newly sober...and justified them in a number of ways.

"I need to be gentle with myself, and that means I must stay home, but I can't explain this to so&so, so I'll lie."

"If anyone really knew what my life was like, they'd understand."

"Lying about this won't hurt them, and it shouldn't hurt me because, well, I'm me!"

"If I lie, they'll feel sorry for me and won't expect as much from me."

I'm sure you can come up with a whole pile of self-talk that goes on in your head when you tell a lie or make an excuse. I know I still can, but that doesn't mean I listen to it.

It took recognizing where that self-talk was coming from in order to change it. Guess what? 99% of it was my ego. I had/have this inflated sense of self-importance that tells me that others around me should cut me a break, feel sorry for me, give me special privileges and let me duck responsibility.

By working the steps of the program with a sponsor, I was able to look at where my ego led me and how it kept me sick. With the help of my HP and a desire to walk in the sunlight, not having to look over my shoulder to see if those lies (and the next drink) were catching up with me, I was able to begin to acknowledge the thoughts when they came and do the right thing in spite of them.

I learned some of these things in self-help books over the years, but I continued to drink. If you're anything like I am, you may find you need sober folks around you to keep you accountable -- and trust in a HP to help you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Oh, btw, I went back to school two years sober (at age 36), and I just finished my junior year. It took some practice in that atmosphere not to give in to the urge to tell lies and make excuses before it became second nature. I'm considered reliable and trustworthy by faculty and other students now -- something that STILL blows my mind when I stop to think about it!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[CarolD]

I loved to lie....I could make my life less mundane
and me more interesting.

Not until I worked my AA program with the Steps
did I stop pretending.

Why? Because my life in recovery is
filled with fantastic adventures and experiences!



Welcome to SR discoveringme..

[SaTiT]

it's call self sabotage..
Depending what type of background you have and how you grew up.
That's why it's also a good idea to keep doing the 4th step over and
over again.
In a formate of just writing about my life in general..
There's was a pattern of sabatage. once i reach a certain threshold
i would be afraid..Such as in a relationship..2 years was my longest
once i reach that 2 years mark..I started triping out consicousely or
sub consiciousely destroying life or doing little things to mess it up.
The same thing apply with my job..i started tripping after a 3-4 years
becuase that was my threahold of employment at that time.
The same with owning an auto mobile..i started doing wierd stuff
to my car to mess it up after the 2 years mark or stopped taking
care of it.
It's like a body clock...but the cycle takes longer to come around,
sometimes every 2 years..
mine..is right around the 5-6 years..I'll trip..lol
my ass falls off and usually i'm right about to go to the next
level or revert.

But if you come back to the basic...or if ever ask yourself this
question...I was more afriad of living than i was of dying.
Fear of sucess...

it's also in the sameway when you first tried to get sober...somewhere
in the back of your mind..you thought you didn't deserve to get sober..
at least that's how I felt sometimes.

it's guilt and shame very suttle or we beat up our self suttlely.
While we are sober these defects are not amplied by the actaul using,
but once we start using...we beat up ourselve even more.

that's why it's about growth we must keep on growing
but always stick to the basic or help newcomers.
Becuase the principle of the answer to our problems are the same
as the newcomers as sponsors.

as a newcomer our own ESH when we relaped at first.
it's that samething...the disease told me it's okay to use, so i did
but after i used..the disease told me i really f-up..the momentum
of guilt starts..so we use even more.

in other words...you started missing class, it was okay..
but it wasn't a good idea..you mess up..but since you mess up
you might as well really mess up and drink again.
and it brings you back to the familar..something you've known and mastered
and know how to survive and can become comforatable with.

getting out of our comfort zone...remember that ?

You deserve recovery..you deserve to succeed
you are good enough

[REZ]

"I do not attend a lot of AA mtgs, which is why I do not know exactly where this post fits in the 12 steps."

This all has to do with a character defect known as dishonesty, which you explore in the 4th step and share with someone in the 5th, and then try to let go of in steps 6 and 7, with the help of your higher power. To get better with this, and stay sober, I advise you to go to more meetings, work with a sponsor, and work the steps.

[paulmh]

Welcome Discoveringme!

Honesty takes practice. I don't pretend to understand this, but it's one of those things that somehow makes me feel healthier! But that's not to say it's easy. It's like I couldn't wake up one day and say - right, today is the day that I become STRONG! - and then start pulling tractors with my eyelids or something. If I want to be honest, I have to practice honesty. And over time, I go from being a dishonest person - the truth was never good enough for me - I kinda lied automatically - to someone who's a bit closer to being honest.

Sounds like you've got to the point that you've identified the problem, and you want it to change. You're so right - we treat the world like our parent, as if we were a child. We can leave that behind if we want. If you're an alcoholic, and going to AA, seems like the 12 steps is a great way to go!

[SaTiT]

there's an old proverb or this is one of the 10 golden rules
of living...

KNOW THY SELF

[Signal30]

Not to sound cynical but...


Start going to more meetings.


Tom

[fraankie]

yeah, you got to go to more meetings

it may sound weird
but
in a way, you want attention
what better way
then
to call in sick

basically, it's a bad habit
as in alcoholism
if you are sober
make a cdommitment
one day at a time
"not to call in sick"

the program works in many ways


welcome


best
fraankie

[discoveringme]

wow! So many great responses, I cant thank you enuf. I can see my self in every post. I DO need to get back to going to meetings and working the steps. Both of my parents are alcoholics but are sober. they never attended one AA mtg, so i guess I thought if they dont need AA, then I dont either. Obviously I do....I remember even skipping school a lot in junior and senior high school and having my mom call me in sick, when I wasn't. So this behavior has been going on since childhood for me. Maybe I was thinking then that "I dont feel like facing the world today, and mom and dad..its all your fault, and you owe me, so you better just go along with it" or my way of getting SOME kind of attention from them, or anybody for that matter. Anyway, I am sick of feeling the shame and guilt of this behavior, and I need to face it head on and start correcting it. thanks again for all of your wisdom folks.!

[Rusty Zipper]

sat

KNOW THY SELF

yep, and on the back of my coin... "to thine own self be true"

and when all else fails... go help another drunk...

good wishes DCM...

xxoo, zip

[Tazman53]

My dad was an alcoholic and quit with out AA, I often wondered how he could quit with out AA and I had to have AA. A little math and I figured it out.

My dad quit when he was 34, I quit when I was 52, I was far more advanced in my disease then him.

In regards to the steps, I can really only add one thing besides of course go to more meetings and that is get a sponsor, if you have one already tell him what is up and you want to work the steps with him.

Step 5 can not be done alone, IMHO none of them can be properly done without guidance.

You will find many of your struggles in life will lessen and or dissappear the more honest you are both with your self and others.