It Might Have Been Worse

[jlo34]

3rd edition - p. 373

We read this story today at my Big Book study. Anyone want to discuss this story?

I really liked the following the best: (379-380):
"Could I be an alcoholic without some of the hair-raising experiences I had heard of in meetings? The answer came to me very simply in the first step of the Twelve Steps of A.A. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable." This didn't say we had to be in jail, ten, fifty, or one hundred times. It didn't say I had to lose one, five or ten jobs. It didn't say I had to lose my family. It didn't say I had to finally live on skid row and drink bay rum, canned heat, or lemon extract. It did say, "admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable."

Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol, and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what alcohol had done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help.

At first it was a shock to realize I was an alcoholic, but the realization that there was hope made it easier. The baffling problem of getting drunk when I had every intention of staying sober was simplified. It was a great relief to know I didn't have to drink any more.

I was told that I must want sobriety for my own sake and I am convinced this is true. There may be many reasons which bring one to A.A. for the first time, but the lasting one must be to want sobriety and the A.A. way of living for oneself...."

When I was first introduced to AA, I was 16 and had absolutely no desire to get sober (heck, I didn't even know what the word meant). Through going to meetings though and learning about this "better way of life"; through my relapses (which were on and off for a year), I was able to prove that even as a teenager, I was an alcoholic.

No, I hadn't been arrested (pulled over 23+ times though in 1.5 years though). Never kicked out of school (pulled into the counselors office to discuss my alcohol problem). Never let go from a job (only because the managers enabled me). So, I really had to take a good look at me and why I might be an alcoholic.

After that year of relapsing (yet attending AA meetings almost daily); I found that it was a matter of what happened to ME when I drank. I was not the same person. Not a happy person. I was not in control, nor could I control the amount of alcohol I took in or what I would do under the influence. I was dangerous and a menace to society. My overall wanting to be good was what saved my life. When I landed in a juvenile (lock-up) treatment center at 17, I knew I had to make a decision...to live (and be sober) or to die (drunk).

I had no spiritual or religious knowledge (other than what I learned at AA). I was bankrupt in all accounts of my being. My sole mission was to end my misery because I didn't think I was a worthwhile human being and I hurt so darned bad. Sobriety and recovery then gave me a glimpse of light...a glimpse of hope.

I am so grateful that I chose life...my life today is nothing like it was then. It took me a long time to move past steps 1, 2, and 12. I had a lot of hurting to go through before I was willing to work the rest of the steps...course, for me, it was either do the steps or die...I was again in that pain where I was bankrupt spiritually and emotionally. I had been sober for 13 years...but that was the only difference.

I again am so grateful that God has blessed me with the steps and the wonderful fellowship in my area. I am so grateful for so many things today....my quality of life is near the top of the list...but of course, topping the list, yea, that would be my HP. The One who always knew what I needed. I just had to concede and surrender to see it!!!

I'd like to hear your take on the story...thanks.

Blessings all,
Jen

[laurie6781]

As you know Jen from some of our talks, I was one of those that had to take it to the MAX and died in the process.

Earlier in my recovery, I used to envy those that got here with "things and stuff" left. Why was I so hardheaded? lol.

Today, I understand, it can be so much harder for anyone who has any of the "yets" left. It is much easier to tell ones self that I haven't done "xxx" yet, so I am not an alcoholic.

But you hit the nail right on the head Jen, it's not what you have or haven't "yet" done, it is what alcohol did to you and for you:

I found that it was a matter of what happened to ME when I drank. I was not the same person. Not a happy person. I was not in control, nor could I control the amount of alcohol I took in or what I would do under the influence. I was dangerous and a menace to society.

Great Thread Jen.

Love and hugs,

[miss communicat]

Thank you jen for taking the time to ope up this discussion.

Its a very pertinent reading for me lately because I often find myself forgetting not only that it WAS that bad (!!!) and that there are always the YETS.....if I'd kept drinking or were to begin drinking any time again I could and, likely would lose all those things I kold dear in my life.

Its no co-incidence that I popped into this thread at this moment.

thanks again~~

[Tazman53]

What can I say.... Laurie I was one of those folks who did not loose much materially when I finally threw in the towel, some how I had only managed one DUI and that was almost 20 years before I quit. How I didn't get a lot more I do not know, maybe it was God watching out for me, because I darn sure was not watching out for myself, I did total a truck last year due to falling asleep while drinking and driving.

Where I was at though was at a point where if I had continued to drink one more month my world as I knew it materially would have dissappeared probably in less then a year and all that would have been left for me to do was finish it off by drinking.

Spiritually I was dead and had been for about a year, my wifes dad was in the process of helping her and the kids get thier own place to where the kids would not have to watch me drink myself to death. My kids were all screwed up because of my drinking.

Every one has a different bottom, I was lucky, I stood on the edge of a cliff when I had my moment of clarity, from the top of the cliff I saw rock bottom, I knew that all I had to do was take one more step forward and it was all gone within a year except for the bottle, who knows how long it would have taken for alcohol to kill me?

My bottom was spiritual, I had been dead for well over a year, I kind of did it backwards, some folks spirit does not die until the material is gone, with me my spirit died before the material including my life left me.

[CarolD]

Hi Jen...Thanks!

Step 1 was a huge eye opener for me.
It tore away the veil of "functioning alcoholic'
that I hid behind.

I did not become an alcoholic until I
was in my 40's.
Materially I lost nothing..Spiritually everything
was gone.
Depression and my saturated brain
made my life a meaningless hell.


In retrospect..my drinking did rob me of the
potential of enjoying a sober more productive life.

When I came into AA...I knew nothing about why
a bunch of strangers would.. could and did show me
a great way to live.

I soon found my long term depression was gone.
Living in the AA way is fantastic...

Thanks for letting me share