Husband thinking of drinking again after 15 years sober

[Sophia57]

Hello
I hope you dont mind me posting here but I'm desperate for ES & H from people who've been there.

I'm married 3 years now, know him 6. He told me early on he was a recovering alcoholic very active in AA and I learned a lot about the disease, tho have never experienced active drinking.

The situation now is he's extremely unhappy, we've had a lot of stress iwth family illnesses, legal wrangling with the mother of his 14 year old (court case on the way), he lost the job of his dreams in his drinking days and is now in a job he hates, but at 51 is afraid to leave in case he wont get another, but wont go looking for one either, preferring to try to change the system and living in constant conflict with management. He's been ill many times with stress since we married, procrastinates most things, has a very short fuse and in general is difficult to live with.

Having said all that, he's a very kind man and can be very loving, just terribly self absorbed.

At the weekend he suddenly started taking one night and told me what was going on in his head..I was so shocked. i had no idea things were this bad with him. he's losing faith with AA, wonders if he should have got married and for the first time in 15 years is thinking of drinking again because..why not?

I know there's nothing I can do. I'm powerless over what he decides but I'm hurting badly. He hasnt referred to this conversation since and I'm living in dread.

Since we married and moved in together life has been much harder, day to day there's some crises or other, some meltdown or tantrum. I'm not a confrontational person and hate it all. He knows all that. I went to Alanon for a while and then due to circumstances and things seemed better I stopped..bad idea.
I'm searching now for a meeting but there are very few here I can get to - the one I used to go to has stopped.

I suppose I'm just asking for some feedback and I hope you dont mind. I've posted here once or twice before and got some very helpful replies from his side of the fence.

He says he has this huge anger inside of him and wont hear of going to a counsellor...believies they're charlatans.

Thanks for listening
Sophia

[Music]

Hi Sophia,
My wife and I are both in AA. I've wondered what I'd do if she decided to go back out and drink again. It goes without saying what I'd do if I started again...lol. Question is, would I tolerate it or not? The answer is "no".

Your hubby may just be thinking out loud about drinking. We do that sometimes. If you've never seen him drunk, and had to deal with the problems that come along with his drinking, you have no idea what problems may accompany such a decision on his part, so I think it's important for you to decide whether or not you're going to tolerate the situation. If you have friends who are in a drinking atmosphere, you might talk to them about what takes place when hubby comes home tipsy. For sure, I'd get back into Al-anon so at least I'd have some support.

You're right, you can't control what he does but you can prepare and control what you do as a response. In the meantime, you might suggest that he see his AA sponsor and get honest about what he's feeling and thinking. It may save him.

[Barto]

What do you mean when you say he was very active in AA? Do you mean that he went to lots of meetings? I can only venture a guess as to what the problem may be because I don’t know your / his actual situation, but there are commonalities between sober members of AA, and defined stages that most seem to go through.

What usually happens is the AA member gets tired of going to meetings. He gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. He feels he is not getting anything out of the meetings. And this may be true for him right now, but the reason maybe that he is looking to get something out of the meetings. In my opinion this is a perspective issue and is likely the result of not taking, or stopping to work, the steps (which too many actually never even take). We are taught that there comes a time in sobriety that we have to “give it away to keep it.” We have to be of service. The solution is in the steps, not in the meetings (although the meetings are excellent for us). Has he taken the steps? Is he still taking them (10,11,&12)? Maybe it is time to go back to step four again.

The above is just FYI. You cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, or see anything he doesn’t want to see. However, I agree with the above post, that alanon may be a good place for you to go to learn to deal with the disease of alcoholism (also a family disease I hear told).

[CarolD]

No...I have not been in your situation.
But I have been in a bad marriage.

I suggest you make a list of the pros and cons
of this marriage.
Then you decide if it is worth your peace of mind.

Mine was not. Yours may be.

Mega Hugs

[SaTiT]

Will, that explains a lot... the Big 15

There's a cycle ....for me it's around every 5 years or so.
A lot of peaple gose through this.
I had a melt down right around my 5 years mark.
I had another melt down at 11 years. (which I relapsed)

It's a growning period. Sometimes very profound.

There are acient writtings on the wall.
It call the wheel of life.

At the top a person is sitting on a thrown
At the 3 o clock...a person is falling
At the bottom...a person is bare and naked
At the 9 o clock ...a person is standing up

The wheel of life truns..the changes of seasons on the wheel of life.
At the same time ....the spiral moment is moving up or down.
The journey of the spirit

Being at the bottom is not a bad thing....it's a death but also a re-birth.
An opportunity in a crisis.

This too shall pass.....mmmm even when you're at the top of world.

[Sophia57]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
When I say he's active in AA i mean he goes to lots of meetings, but as he works shifts, a week may go by sometimes when he cant get to one. He's also done a lot of service work in prisons and helplines.
He works long hours and hates it. He feels he has nothing to carry on for.
He's so touchy at the moment I have to watch every word. He just hung up on me cos he'd asked me a question about a conflict in work..I got distracted, missed what he said, he got really angry that I wasnt listening, said he didnt need this and hung up.

If this cycle is going to come around every 5 years or so Satit I dont know if I can stick it.
He hasn't had a sponsor for years. He falls out with people in AA all the time as he's so paranoid about everyones actions and words.
Barto, I've never asked him about his program as I dont think its my business, you understand what I mean. I couldn't pry into what he has done - all I know is that he did the steps years ago.
I hope this will pass, but it hurts when he takes it out on me, and I dont want to play the victim. I really am powerless over what happens and I have to focus on me, tho I feel so down I cant see the point

Thanks again so much

[Chy]

He wants to drink and bad. He's all consumed with it and I wouldn't be surprised if maybe he already has... he may also suffer AA burnout and need another avenue of support if only temporarily. Woud he go to a therapist. He's beating himself up pretty good over something and you're getting the afterblows. Barto has some good points to. I'd suspect he's going to meetings but not working a program, which is life long for most of us, he certainly needs some new sceanery for sure and only he knows where he will find, if it's in a bottle, he knows where he'll end up and it will be his choice. If you haven't already, seek out some support in Alanon and to me he's suffering "dry drunk" syndrome... I know alternative folk, you don't like that word but it's the best I could come up with.. you take care of you Sophia.

[SaTiT]

Yeap....I'm the same. I don't speak much...ya know.
And when I do talk I expect other peaple to hear me
the first time. Never mind that I don't pay attention
to others the first, second or third, if they need to be heard.lol

Yeah...it's all these pain and chaos that gets us back
on track and out of a rut. If we where comfortable
in it. We wouldn't give a damn. So all the anger
and crying is just our ways of processing it.
After all we're not numb anymore.
Growning pains.....ya know.

That's why it's touchy
He already knows what he needs to do.
He knows he needs a sponsor.
So having 15 years and not having a sponsor.....
He has a standard to live up to and it's not happening.
Not the source of his problems, but it murgy it up a little. The program from day one tells us.....remain teachable.

Perhaps a sponsee might even help him.
Just to remind him where he came from.
And to be able to pass on his ESH.
After all he dose have 15 years...He must be doing
something right to put together that many years.
He probably has plenty to give...By sharing he might
realize...He has plenty.

It passes, it always dose. it just seems like hell and forever
when you're going through it.
The piont is .. that we learn and grow from it.

[Barto]

It appears that AA is becoming more and more about attending meetings, as if the meetings were analogous to group therapy sessions. They are not. And even if they were, going to meetings would not be the solution to alcoholism, as you can see. The AA solution is in the steps. So says the book. One who is not working steps is not active in the program of AA no matter how many meetings he goes to.

According to the book, what we have as alcoholics, is a daily reprieve conditioned upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Going to meetings is not “the” way to have a spiritual awakening, nor the way to maintain that spiritual condition. All the meetings in the world won’t cure alcoholism. I don’t say AA is the only way, but it is the best way I know of.

If I may be presumptuous, let me say that your husband is not in AA anymore.

Nevertheless, I suggest Alanon for you, for your own serenity. What can it hurt? In any case, good luck.

[aasharon90]

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the Grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent had a
drink of alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely grateful.

Here I am 16 yrs sober, 24 yrs married,
2 wonderful kids in college and.....

And......

After living in Houston 10 yrs. I have returned
to my hometown here in Baton Rouge....

ALONE.

SOBER.

HAPPIER.

Sure I have put my family thru lots of
ups and downs because of my disease.

However...I am what I am and I accept who
I am...No one can change who I am except
me. If im miserable in recovery its because I
am not living the principles of recovery in my
everyday life.

I am lots of times into self....like Im different
and my sobriety is important and i deserve to be
happy.

No one can make me happy but me....if im not
happy then i have 2 choices....i can either whin
about it...in which i did and do still or I can get off
my tush and do something about it....

I wasnt unhappy the whole 10 yr yrs i was in Houston.
and always felt like I was on an extended vacation.

So what did I do...well, i had my little part time
job at a grocery store where i help bag groceries,
did carryouts , hauled in baskets...and LOVED MY
CUSTOMERS....they r the ones that made my day
every day...more so than any of the people I
worked for.....My job was worth it to me...very
rewarding....

Then i began applying for other jobs not knowing
what to expect...disappointed lots of times and then...

It happened...thru much prayer, determination, tears,
faith and turning my Will and life over to the care
of my HP....it finally happened....

I made it back home where i wanted to be....YES..!

Now....

NOW.....

Im in a bank job that i dont esp. like....it was thru
this job that got me home and now....im unhappy
with it....

Again, i wonder what job would make me happy now
since i need to support myself....

Id like to do physical work instead of mental work.

I ask daily that first I do Thy will always and that I would
physically work hard for Him.....Helping other they way
He would want me to....

Is everything that has happened to me enough
to make me want to go back out and drink today.

No Way...!

As long as i keep growing in recovery and helping
others who need to hear my ESH then the possibilities
of slipping is nill.

SPREAD YOUR WINGS OF WISDOM AND GROW.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Music]

Working the steps created a Spritual awakening within me, i.e. a relationship with a God of my understanding who I came to realize gave me the gift of "desire" to get sober and stay sober. The following quote from the Big Book, Chapter 7, Working with Others, gave me the gift of an awakening of the spirit which I hadn't known for years, which came from carrying the message, in and outside meetings. Just going to meetings doesn't keep me sober. Trusting God, Cleaning house, and Helping others keeps me sober.

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

[GlassPrisoner]

I dunno.

My gut reaction is like that of someone who threatens to kill themsleves. Most of the time, if someones gonna do it, they just do it.

It does sound as if your husband doesn;t have much program left. I dunno, I don't have any experience to share.

[Dilberto]

Looks like he has disconnected with his higher power, or perhaps never felt a spiritual connection, in the first place. Once our heads tell ourselves that we no longer need recovery.....we have already relapsed. The next step is the actual comittment towards the action of using, or drinking. By then, everything goes by the wayside. What a complete travesty, and waste of precious time.

I had my spiritual awakening when I finally got the message that my own HEAD is the liar, to my own gut. When I put two and two together.....I realized everything I do not want to do, end up being the very BEST THING I ever did! Hello???...And because of this, I had to apply simple reverse psychology on myself, whenever I felt reluctant to do anything. Guess what? It works! I may be on my seventh step- but I never knew sloth, gluttony, and greed were such deadly sins.

I hope this somehow helps your husband out. Whenever we feel we are "cured" this is when the real trouble starts. Once afflicted with addiction....always afflicted.....forever. This is why we need AA for life!!!

Regards,
Zachary A.
Alcoholic/Addict/Ex-smoker

[mikel60]

Your husband sounds like me - an alcoholic. Give him a hug, tell him you love him.
Mike in Boston