Step 4

[Hope]

I will be starting on step 4 soon. Can you all share some experience, strength, and hope from your own experiences with me?

[Time2Surrender]

All I can say is once you start it, keep going. Try not to drag it out for weeks even months as many do. Be honest and try to be thorough. And as soon as your done, do a 5th step with your sponsor.

[Little Missy]

I agree, I had to be honest and thorough!!

Step 4 is a "grudge list" It help us to get rid of those old resentments that keep coming back to haunt us. All the times we feel that we have been wronged.

It's really not that hard. I remembered A LOT of times I was mad. What that person or even place had "done" to me.

I did mine the way the book suggested; page 65. Making the 4 columns.

I started just writing in the first to columns. Who I was resentful at? Then the cause.

Sometimes I was able to fill in the second two columns, Affects my and My part in it. Some of them, I had to think about.

This is the step where we learn about ourselves. Our "character defects" are shown to us. I didn't like what I saw. But now that I know them, I can change me!!

Good luck girl!! Just do it!!

[REZ]

Look for patterns: fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, self-pity, sloth, gluttony, lust, pride, etc. Don't just right down everything you did. You need to begin recognizing those patterns in your life to make positive changes in the rest of the steps.

[jimhere]

I'm with Time2Surrender, don't waste a lot of time on it. Be as honest and thorough as you can be, but don't get caught up in doing it "right." My first inventory wasn't that good, but it was good enough. It's the effort that counts. My first sponsor told me it's just busy work to get me out of the way while God works.

Oh, one other thing-follow the directions in the Big Book. There are other methods, but I haven't found a simpler, easier way.
Jim

[Sheryl85]

I have a friend that leads a great Step Study. The first thing he says about Step Four is that you can’t change your future if you don’t first learn from your past.

I found that the Fourth Step is a “Fact Finding” mission for me. I need to know why I react the way I do to situations and what are the results when I do that. When I put these things down in black and white I begin to see the pattern emerge in each instance. I do the Step in the manner as put forth in the Big Book. (When in doubt, read the instructions.) On my first Fourth Step I did like most people do and listed my resentments first. (I put them into two categories one of which I would tackle first; the ankle biters and the *ss eaters. I deal with the latter first. I still must do the ankle biters before I’m finished with the Step because they can change into the other variety after a period of time if not dealt with.) And I do this as thoroughly as I can because I learned that more will be revealed anyway after being sober for awhile. It just happens that way I’ve found.

Now this is going to be the baseline that I draw most of my information from and will be used again and again in several of the later steps. (That’s the reason I didn’t burn mine as some folks did…it will come in real handy and I’m lazy and I hate repeating work if I don’t have to!) I used the columns as listed in the book, but you can add as many columns as you wish. When I have covered as much territory as I can using the method described in the book (and remembering that more will be revealed later), I get with my sponsor and we do the next step.

Okay, once you’ve started you will see this process has been streamlined because I really feel you need to get some face to face input as you proceed and you need to cover it with your sponsor if you have one. I also tell you that once I had done this step that I didn’t feel an overwhelming relief, but there were those “Ah Ha!” moments when I saw that pattern emerge just as plain as day and I was able to catch myself the next time I was about to repeat the same old action. It was amazing! (For once, I didn’t do the same thing over again expecting different results. Wha Hoo!)

Let me take this moment to remind you that anything said by me is my opinion as of now and does not speak for AA as a whole. There is going to be a lot of different ways to do this Step that you will learn about. If you wonder which the correct one for you is, it will be the one you use that gives you contented sobriety and gives you the gut level feeling of correctness. “Your “knower” knows,” as Bob White used to say. But most of all just do it.

Good luck!

[CarolD]

Good for you Hope!

We also have a Step Study here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-study/

All are encourged to share there too.

[mikel60]

Step four is the gateway to the promises. Doing it the way it is laid out in the Big Book, with a sponsor who had done it that way, changed my life. I couldn't rush through it, I had over one thousand resentments to deal with, but I didn't go slow either. I wrote everyday, checked in with my sponsor all the time, and got through it. Then there was 5-12... and on and on... It's a good way of life. Good luck- you are on your way.
Mike in Boston

[GlassPrisoner]

I was looking forward to this step, as it was akin to taking out the garbage.

I wrote my grudge list. Piece of cake.

But then I had to forgive those I had resentments towards. They are, after all, just human like I am, and have their faults.

After that, I looked at my part in these resentments. And you know what ? I had a huge part in most of them. I wasn't the "victim" I always thought I was.

Reliving those experiences can be difficult. I drug up a lot of stuff I thought I had forgotten.

And once you realize your part in all these resentments, you are faced with the shame, guilt and remorse. I really was the hurricane creating wreckage all around me.

Once I took the 5th, I realized more about myself, and had the catharsis effect.

The remorse and guilt were removed by steps 6 and 7.