Time for step 8 and 9.

[Signal30]

Hello all,

My sponsor and I have just reviewed the 8 and 9th step and it is time for me to make my amends. The only problem is, is that I am really having a hard time trying to find people I actually need to make amends to.
I’m 32 years old and I didn't start drinking until I was 28. My alcoholism progressed quickly, and now I am a little over 7 and a half months sober. When I was drinking, I did most of it as a recluse. I did drink socially once in a while, but I primarily did the majority of my drinking at home. The few people I did make amends to that I needed to, I have already done months ago. My sponsor told me that one of the biggest amends I needed to make was to myself. To me that feels like I'm being selfish, but I understand and agree with what he means. I'm going to give it some time so I can try to remember if there's anyone else I need to make amends to. My question is, is if anyone one else in here had that problem? I do everything I can to put 100% of myself into the program, because my sobriety is everything to me.

Thanks for your time.

[best]

The steps are not a one time deal. Two months from now you may remember something about yourself that upsets you or you may remember some one that you feel needs an amend from you.
Yes do your best but remember that you can and should revisite the steps as needed.

[Sheryl85]

The major problem I too had with the 8th Step was finding some of the people I needed to make amends to. Thankfully that Step says “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to the all.” The operative words in the case I’m describing are “became willing”. There were some folks I never did find, but if they were to walk in the door or I should run across them right now, I’m willing to make amends to them… unless like Step 9 says it could cause them further harm.

One person I needed to make amends to and went looking for I found in Hugo, OK. Unfortunately in this case it was in the cemetery. I went to the grave and told him "thank you" for the times he had kept me from harm and let him know that I recognized the things where I had been wrong or had done him wrong. After that it was all up to making a living amends. I don’t need to repeat the errors I made with him, I need to practice this program to the best of my abilities, be of maximum benefit to others, but most of all stay sober and do God's will for me today. By-the-way, any hard feelings I had harbored against him faded into insignificance.

I don't know if this will help, but when working this Step if you would like a good definition of “harm” , you can find it in the 12 & 12 on page 80. It says, “To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.” It sure helped me to keep things in perspective. I hope that this helps some...

Good Luck!

[Signal30]

Thanks, for the advice. I have to also write a paragraph about step 8 and 9 from the Big Book, and the 12 & 12. After that, it may become a tad easier.

Thanks again.

[Sheryl85]

I just remembered something that my friend with 34 years always teaches in his Step Studies... Amends without some form of restitution will only p*ss people off.

I know, I know... "Thanks for sharing that little pearl of wisdom!"

[CarolD]

It's great to see you are making progress!

For many years I was a very public drunk
I could have written a tome of ammends.

I started with me...moved to family and
other sober folks..then to people I saw often.

I left the bar buddies for last.

I realize this is not going to be for you
but perhaps another reader will benefit.

We also have a Step Study here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-study/

All are encourged to share there too.

Blessings

[fraankie]

well,
as the other posts state
and
i agree

the first thing is to makes a list
you have 7 months
so don't rush it
things will come back to you

as they do
you add them to the list
you don't go finding someone to make amends
also, "..became wiiling............"
the important thing is you recognize you did something wrong
and
want to rectify it

remember,
as with me,
for sure, i may see someone i drank with
and
yeah, yeah,
i borrowed 20 bucks
or had a dispute with him
i let it go
what would i do
give him the 20 bucks so he could go to the bar
or apologize for something
he may not remember
and
bring back old stuff
then
he's not in the program
i could explain myself
make an amend, apologize
and
he won't know what the hell i am talking about

i did go to my father's grave
and
make an amend to him
so that helps sometimes

as far as all the guys who are hoisting a few
they probably don't even realize i'm gone
so be it


best
fraankie

[Signal30]

Yeah you guys are right. I tend to rush things,(impatience being on of my shortcomings). Like the signs say on the meeting walls, "Easy Does It."

[REZ]

Even if you didn't harm a lot of other people, you must hav harmed yourself. You can put yourself on this list and make an amend by staying sober, one day at a time.

[jimhere]

Make the eight step list first. Then pray for the willingness to look each one in the eye and say "I've harmed you and I don't know how. Can you please tell me what I need to do to make this right."

You get free the minute you are willing.

Then start making amends to the ones you can find. But worry about the list first. When you are willing people show up when the time is right and things work out.
Jim

[Signal30]

I must say, this thread has turned out being very helpful. I know this one of the hardest steps, and I appreicate the tips.