Resentment is running my life ....Help

[northbelle]

Still suffering alcoholic here..my names North
I have 13 days sober , been to a meeting every day..getting support..reading the book. Have a sponsor.
But I am just being devoured by resentment right now. My SO..or what I THOUGHT was my SO..brought me home drugs and alcohol which led to my relapst. No of course he did not force it down my throat but I just was really caught offgaurd as we were BOTH staying sober adn going to meetings Anyway we relapsed together then he proceeded to empty my bank account to the tune of 1200 dollars. I am a single mom who just lost her job and now am facing homelessness because of my own idiocy and letting this person into my life to begin with. I can't stop thinking about how he let me down ..how he could do this to me..plotting revenge..you name it.
I KNOW I am responsible for even letting him into my life to begin with and drinking and using with him. I really hate myself for it right now because the price of this last relapse on me has been horrible.
NOT just financially..emotionally.
I am praying for him..he is a sick person right??
I just can't believe I let it happen.
So any experience dealing with resentments guys??
I am a hurtin unit and want to get past this!!!!!!!!!
Thanx so much for the help!
love North

[Time2Surrender]

Resentments are like drinking poison and then waiting for the person you resent to die. Do a 4th step. Look at the part you played in this. Then do a 5th step and share this with someone so you can focus on a solution to your problem.

[CarolD]

I agree with Mike
and
Mega Hugs North

[Sugah]

One of the things that helped me the most, northbelle, in dealing with resentments that I just could not seem to turn over was something I heard a woman say: "Acceptance does not mean Approval." I couldn't change what happened, no matter what. I knew my part in the past, but I just could not let others "off the hook" for what I felt was their part. The longer I focused on my role as a victim, the longer I stayed sick and allowed my abuser to continue hurting me. I prayed -- for the serenity to accept the things I could not change.

It didn't come easy. And it didn't come at thirteen days sober -- I wish I could tell you it did. If your sponsor is willing to walk steadily and as quickly as you can through the first three steps, I do believe that when you're ready to tackle a moral housecleaning, you'll feel better about this. Maybe even before.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Sheryl85]

Sugah is right. The method I used was separating the “act” from the “actor”. I do not have to like the act, but the person deserves my pity. They are spiritually sick.

Right now you are too. There is no quick fix to your situation. This is going to take hard work on your part in all areas of your life. You can take this lesson and use it to emphasize the Steps that you are working on. Obviously it shows you the powerlessness and unmanageability as described in Step One. The insanity of the situation can serve as a stepping stone for launching Step Two. Grasp the message that is entailed there and move on to Step Three. (I’ll share a method that I use with Step Three is when I turn my “will and my life” over to God, I am turning my thoughts and my actions over to His direction.) As I said, there is no quick fix here, but you must also remember that you are not going to be perfect at this. We strive for progress, not perfection. Above all, remember that we are NOT bad people trying to get good. We ARE sick people trying to get better. Get with you sponsor and start working on that plan of action to get you through this situation. The answers will present themselves if you ask for guidance. Your Higher Power will see to that. You only need to ask…

Last but not least… When the train runs over you, it isn’t the caboose that kills you. It’s the engine that hits you. So, no matter what, (even if you think your butt is falling off) DON’T DRINK or USE!

[GlassPrisoner]

Resentment is the number one offender

So much truth there.

But yeah, like others have pointed out, it's gonna take time. Just do what you have to do to stay sober. Go to meetings, and don't drink between meetings.

When you get to your 4th step (and 5th) these resentments will go away. This is by realizing that:

1. People are not perfect. They too have character defects. We learn to forgive them.

2. We usually have a large part that we played in our resentments. That is, we are rarely, if ever, victimized.

Hang in there, it gets better. Then it gets great.

[came2believe]

Originally Posted by Sugah

One of the things that helped me the most, northbelle, in dealing with resentments that I just could not seem to turn over was something I heard a woman say: "Acceptance does not mean Approval."

Yup, another good thing I heard was: "Some relationships are LEARNING relationships. Forgiveness does not mean you need to start up the relationship again."

Thirteen days sober, my advice is simply to get away from this person. Move out if you have to. Call your sponsor every day. Go to meetings. Read the Big Book. Work steps 1-3 as you can and the 4th is key to removing resentments. But work with your sponsor to be sure you are ready to take the 4th step.

[northbelle]

Thanx you guys..some great advice..I just keep praying and letting go..over and over right now..
My sposor told me somthing that really helps..that he is a sick person..
that just somehow makes it easier for me
and it is also very true...
I am not exactly the picture of mental health right now either...
but I am working the steps as if my life depended on it..it does this time..I simply can't drink or use again,,I am really surrendering ,,to the best of my ability anyway.
Thank you guys
love north

[BigGirlPanties]

Recently heard form a spiritual but odd friend:

"Holding a Resentment is like peeing all over myself.
Everyone in the room can smell it,'ecept me, yet Im the one to has to feel it".

and lastly, "Im the one who has to change my diapers".

Changing my diapers means changing my attitude towards the person I resent. How?

1. Pray for him all the good things I want for myself.
2. Enforcing firm boundaries (in this case, dont hang out with usuing friends)
3. Practice extreme and gentle self love and care

[collinsmi]

Yeah, haven't stopped getting resentments but now I know what to do about them. What helps me is to concentrate on doing what I can today about the step I'm on, no matter what. As inappropriate, irrelevant and bothersome as that sometime seems, it has been doing the trick for a while now.

[vetver]

Remember "it takes what it takes..." One less bad thing and maybe I wouldn't be sober today.

Like you, my resentments are primarily at myself "I can't believe I let this happen". "How could I do that?"

That is the disease... you just showed an example of powerlessness. If you had power on your own, then you wouldn't need the spiritual solution as outlined in the 12 steps.

What to do?

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." Turn yourself in to a sponsor and do whatever she tells you to do. If this means getting rid of the SO, then get rid of him.

"We stood at the turning point" - which way will you go?

As for resentment, well, you can't change that it happened. All you can do is start over today. In fact, we all get to start over every day!