What is the point of AA?

[U win I Lose]

Hello, first post, just wondering why everyone attends AA. I used to go to AA daily for 4 months, and liked it alright, especially the mental reprogramming. Anyhow, I managed to stay sober those four months. Now I find I do not enjoy going to AA, I have little motivation to go, and when I do go I get a lot of anxiety. I like the program of AA/NA and literature very much but have started disliking the meetings. For instance, I know that AA is there for the sober support system. Now I have anxiety and have a hard time connecting with people. I find that in most meetings I go to the cliques are well established and people are either too lazy or not interested in incorporating a new comer. On the surface though they welcome the newcomer, make them feel like they should be here etc, but it seems they don't truly want to incorporate them into their meeting. For instance, my last sponsor helped me stay sober but he was more of a dictator. He basically gave me orders and didn't seem to care about me too much, but seemed he was doing it more for him. He wanted me to hang out with his sober buddies so I agreed, but when I arrived he didn't introduce me to anyone and pretty much just abandoned me, which was uncomfortable to say the least. Now I am pretty paranoid of people so getting a sponsor was a big step for me and the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. Basically I am in between the devil and the deep blue sea. I dont want to be an active alcoholic, but I usually get smashed a couple times a month and feel guilty. Any advice?

[best]

Try other meetings.
Step out of the shell and introduce yourself to people.
Learn to adjust to the things before you. (a great growth experience)

A room full of people that are in differing stages of recovery and we all started out...one as sick as the other. Why do some grow faster then others?
Could be as simple as some were shown manners, some were not shown so they don't know any. You could be their example.
Even at a disfunctional gathering, we can learn and grow very much.

All in how we look at what is before us. If I see something I don't like in another...I look at self to see if I may have the same issue or traits...then adjust as needed.

Learn from the mistakes of others...we don't live long enough to make them all ourself.

[chip]

Welcome to the 12 step forum, U win I lose.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your local AA. I think the most important thing for any of us is to stay sober. My sponsor tells me to take what I need to stay sober, and ignore the garbage. For many of us, AA is our only real F2F support network. Personaly, I'd be afraid of dropping out of AA.

I don't know what to tell you. Please keep posting. I hope you can work this out so you can keep on the road to recovery. There are other options other than AA, and AA isn't for everyone. AA is just so accessible and successful....it's hard not to see it as the only option.

I hope you find some answers here.
chip

[U win I Lose]

Thanks for the replies. In reply to the replies, I did try a large variety of meetings. I did assert myself, make introductions, actually share what was going on with me etc. I don't mean to be selfish but sometimes its nice to be able to go somewhere and fit in, something I have never had luck with my entire life.... except at the bar when I'm not getting bounced.

[aasharon90]

They told me to keep going until I wanted to go...
Not because i had to go.....And i went to a many
a meetings ..esp in early recovery...as my life depended
on it.....

Was i uncomfortable,,,,u bet...and i still am at times...

I dont esp. like crowds so i tend to avoid them.....

Going to meetings is for me and no one else...
You know how u hear when we r sick we have
to take our medicine.....well did u know that alcoholism
is the only disease that our medicine is meetings....
We dont have to take anything by mouth in order
for us to feel better...and it doesnt cost anything....

I do need my daily dose of AA each and everyday....
whether it be a face to face meeting or here online....

Going back to when i went to meetings early on...

I learned from my sponsor about service work....
And hers was baking...i like that...so i did the same...

I would bake and bring good things to eat at each of
my meetings whether i wanted to or not....this allowed
me to go and to stay awhile.....People eventually saw
me rather than hear me....

I wasnt a talker, and my sponsor said that was ok....
When the right time came i would speak...until then....
meetings need speakers and listeners....

So i listened and absorbed as much as i could....

Then people recognized me as the cake lady... : )

I left my wonderful support 10 yrs ago to reside in
Houston...but now im back home in Baton Rouge....

I havent gotten back into the routine of f2f meetings
yet as ive been occupied with my new job....

People have come and gone in AA but AA is still
alive and well....for us that have been around a few
days then its up to us to be responsible in sharing
our own ESH with others...even if its here or one
on one or in a group...

Eventually u will settle in and do what i do which is
very important to me...and thats to keep AA number
one on my priority list to stay sober one day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share.

[GlassPrisoner]

U win I lose, I had a rather similar experience at a rather large meeting. I was never approached, and even though I came early and left late, it was difficult making new contacts.

I did a couple of things. One, I usually brought a friend who knew people.Two, was I went to a meeting a day for about 2 weeks.

Just the other day as I was walking in, an AA was trying to tell another AA where a meeting was, he turned to me and said "Hey (my name) what time is that speaker meeting Fridays ?". Felt good.

Other than that, try different meetings. Different places, different times. AA is not exempt from human social behavior. Some meetings can be cliquish.

Edit: Also, get a commitment. Everyone knows who makes the coffee !

Edit Edit: When you find you feel a part of, greet newcomers. Remember how you felt.

[Sugah]

"I'm new here. My name is ____. Is this your homegroup? What's it like here?"

"I've been coming around awhile. Is there anything I can do to lend a hand?"

"I could use some phone numbers. Do you have a list of male/female numbers, or would it be possible to pass a list?" (then use them....many people believe that, though their hand should be out to the newcomer at the meeting, the newcomer should take steps to reach out, show they want sobriety)

These are just some suggestions. I've been to meetings in different parts of the country, and the customs were culturally different. In parts of New England, the groups were polite and somewhat reserved. Out on Martha's Vineyard, I was to one of the warmest groups I've ever attended, including my own homegroup (and here in Western PA, we're pretty warm!). Very often, when a newcomer feels alienated in any way, I think it's because they're putting off "keep your distance" vibes, even if they don't mean to. I'm not saying you're doing that, but it's something to try to keep in mind.

Also, some newcomers, especially those coming from treatment centers, look on AA as some sort of group therapy where everyone tries to draw the new guy or girl in. AA isn't group therapy. It's an environment where we share our experience, strength and hope with the still sick and suffering alcohol and let them know what worked for us in overcoming the illness of alcoholism. Your voice is every bit as important as anyone you choose to sit next to. Like anything, beginning a new school or a new job or a new gym, it takes awhile to get to know those around you. I can almost guarantee that if you keep coming around, listen for similarities rather than differences and keep sharing, you'll feel part of. Just takes longer for some than for others.

One last question: do you have a homegroup?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[mikel60]

Hi U,
Maybe not the best advice in the world, but I'm a bit of an introvert myself so I bring Sports Illustrated, the newspaper, a book, and read during the break if I'm new at a meeting. Otherwise, I help with the chairs, clean up... that sort of thing. I'm not good at introducing myself , starting conversations, or anything. It works for me. After nearly 11 years I have a lot of friends just by showing up, but sometimes I still bring along the Sports Illustrated. Or I wear a Yankees t-shirt. People in boston always comment on that. Mike

[frstnm]

This may sound stupid but how about one of those stickers that says hello my name is.....Im NEW ?

YANKEES ???!!! Traitor......

[CarolD]

Hi U win I Lose....Welcome to SR!

[mcdo1268]

Welcome back! I never understood the expression "fake it till you make it". I had to forcibly discipline myself because I was to good for AA. That didn't work. What worked was when they told me to get over myself....you need to do the same. Hardcore Philly AA, they tell you to shut up and listen. Not only did I need to....I did. Grateful for many different meetings in other areas. Try a marathon Saturday. I do it once a month...I map out 5 meetings in different areas and drive..It is AWESOME to see perspectives, but they all have the same message AA WORKS IF YOU WORK

[findingout]

Hey U, Welcome. Glad you are here.

I was horribly introverted when I started attending meetings. I didn't really have a problem once the meeting started but I felt so out of place during the time before and after. But it did get better. My first home group happened to meet three nights a week and I went to just about every meeting and forced myself to get there early. I also got involved with service work, making coffee, setting up chairs, and cleaning up after. I ended up being asked to be the secretary and this helped a great deal because I got to know some of the long time members of the group and just felt like I fit in more.

I am still not very good at starting conversations with people I don't know which may partially explain why I have four home groups these days - all different sets of people but at least I know a good majority at every meeting and that helps.

Edit: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The point of AA is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety!

[chip]

Originally Posted by U win I Lose

Thanks for the replies. In reply to the replies, I did try a large variety of meetings. I did assert myself, make introductions, actually share what was going on with me etc. I don't mean to be selfish but sometimes its nice to be able to go somewhere and fit in, something I have never had luck with my entire life.... except at the bar when I'm not getting bounced.

I just want to share with you that I've NEVER really felt that I fit in ANYWHERE. This has been a common theme in my life. I felt it all through school, and into my adult years. In the bars, I felt I fit in only because I was altering my consiousness with the drug of alcohol.

It's only been recently that I've felt like I fit into AA. It took a while for me to find that I do belong. I really had to "fake it untill I make it". I had nowhere left to go, and I'm glad it worked out eventually.

I hope you'll find that something works for you at some point. I wish you peace and sobriety.
chip

[Abbadun]

Hi

Sorry you are having problems with you group, I usually find my group members to be the best thing about a AA meeting. Any group of people will have cliques, my regular group is rather spread out during free time with several people hopping from conversation to conversation. Maybe you should check out another group.

If your peers are not into greeting newcomers then that is something you can do, you have 4 months more sobriety than them.

Sponsors can be fired and you could find another, also if you notice their are plenty of people in AA that never mention their sponsor. Either they do not have one or the relationship is not that important to them.

AB

Originally Posted by U win I Lose

Hello, first post, just wondering why everyone attends AA. I used to go to AA daily for 4 months, and liked it alright, especially the mental reprogramming. Anyhow, I managed to stay sober those four months. Now I find I do not enjoy going to AA, I have little motivation to go, and when I do go I get a lot of anxiety. I like the program of AA/NA and literature very much but have started disliking the meetings. For instance, I know that AA is there for the sober support system. Now I have anxiety and have a hard time connecting with people. I find that in most meetings I go to the cliques are well established and people are either too lazy or not interested in incorporating a new comer. On the surface though they welcome the newcomer, make them feel like they should be here etc, but it seems they don't truly want to incorporate them into their meeting. For instance, my last sponsor helped me stay sober but he was more of a dictator. He basically gave me orders and didn't seem to care about me too much, but seemed he was doing it more for him. He wanted me to hang out with his sober buddies so I agreed, but when I arrived he didn't introduce me to anyone and pretty much just abandoned me, which was uncomfortable to say the least. Now I am pretty paranoid of people so getting a sponsor was a big step for me and the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. Basically I am in between the devil and the deep blue sea. I dont want to be an active alcoholic, but I usually get smashed a couple times a month and feel guilty. Any advice?

[Grasshopper]

Hi and welcome!!!!
I had the oppsoite happen to me.I wanted as a newcomer to come to meetings,and no one bother me.i wanted to sit,listen,and learn.Didnt want folks coming up to me,giving me phone numbers,or to notice me.I wanted to be like alone,in a room full of recovering folks.Didnt happen,lol,and i felt antsy,with all the folks coming to me,asking me how am i etc,,etc..Eventually i got use to it,and eventually welcomed them into my life,all of them,,lol.So i guess,the moral of my experience and yours is that AA folks cant please all the folks all of the time.No matter what group of folks,be they at work,recovery,church,,etc,,there always seems to be little groups hudled together.,like foot-ball-players.I guess this IS life on lifes terms.Had i said to the folks,at that time,please,i just want to sit,alone[in a room full of folks] and listen,they would have done this.I need to speak up,and tell folks,for they cannot guess,and dont know where im at,unless,i speak up.
Principals,before personalities.Keep the principlas,frist and formost.For folks are faliable,human,doing the best they know how to,just like me.Be the person,that you want to see at meetings.Go up,in the group,and make yourself,known.Ask if there is anyone needing help,,,etc,,,etc..You can do it!!!!

[aasharon90]

AA keeps my ....

pardon my language... im a lady.... : )

ass sober.

AA is AWESOME.

AA is a way of life.

[Wino40]

What is the point of AA? Listen to the preamble. AA is a fellowship of men and women who share etc. etc.------------------------

MY point in attending is that I have found a way to be sober and useful.

People in AA are just that-----people in AA. We are first and foremost people.

We even say of ourselves "we are not saints". Since we were unloveable and ostracised from society, we generally make a real effort to accept people and make them feel welcome. From there it is up to each person to apply the principles and fit in.

I have met some folks that I did not particularly want to be around in AA. I have met some that did not want to be around me. By dealing with my grosser handicaps those numbers are shifting, but I do not anticipate I will ever be loved by everybody, or love everybody.

I was told If I wanted what the people had in AA I would have to go to any lengths to get it. I share that principle with people daily. If I want it, I must work for it.

If my life is not going well, it ain't my wife, or my job, or my church or AA, The solution is found in myself. I need to change me.

Ray

[t-bear]

I find that if I am not liking the meetings I am going to it is because I have lost touch. If I am part of the group, I really like being a greeter, then I get to know people and they me. I then feel more part of the group and less of an outsider.
I usually have to make the first move.

[best]

Originally Posted by mikel60

Or I wear a Yankees t-shirt. People in boston always comment on that. Mike

ARGH! *LOL*

Better stay away from my 6'4" son. He works for the Sox *LOL*

[fraankie]

your screen name says it all
in a way, you are setting yourself up for a relapse

a slogan i clung onto was "don't analyze"
in how it works it says ".....we are not saints.....'
so
the work is up to you

"Now I have anxiety and have a hard time connecting with people"
yeah, me too
i was always shy
but
coming into the rooms
i realized
i didn't have a hard time connecting with a drunk in a bar
we drank together
and became fast friends by the end of the night
only to never see each other again

people are people
in and out of AA
you have to go with the flow
it took a few years
but
i made friends

anxiety, paranoid
stay away from the psyche stuff
you are probably also intelligent, witty and a good looking guy
go with that

as far as "....a bad taste in my mouth"
"on the surface...."
"....the devil and the deep blue sea"
give it up
these probably go back years
they have no relative meaning if you are sober

hey
the best
fraankie

[zencat]

Hello U win,

It has been my experience that the meeting vary significantly and so do the people who attend them. I go to a meeting where the atmosphere is relaxed and the people are friendly and helpful. My approach to recovery is liberal and non-demanding as well as many of the fellow members where I attend. I have also attended meetings where the mood is quite different. I am currently interviewing prospective sponsors to aid me in my recovery. Location matters and you get out, what you put in. keep trying and I think you will find your place.

Zencat