Switching sonsors???

[Tazman53]

Hi all, I am Martin an alcoholic, my sobriety date is 9/18/06 so sponsorship is a mysterious thing in AA that I do not understand all the nuances of sponsee sponsor relationships.

Any how I like the sponsor I have now, but I feel I am kind of revving my AA engine and I can not get the clutch to engage with him as far as working the steps.

I know that every one works at thier own speed and one does not want to rush through the steps the first time around.

At this point in time I have not even completed even step one with my present sponsor. Well last night I was calling my 3 drunks and there is this one guy I get along with great, he just celebrated 18 years of sobriety and he works and lives the steps! I spoke to him about this and some how I asked him to be my sponsor, he said yes!

We will be spending half the day Saturday togather to where he can not only help me to prepare to break the news to my present/old sponsor and what he expects of me and what I expect of him. We spoke for a good 1/2 and I really feel we are a good match, he meets my needs and expectations and I think I meet his criteria of a sponsee.

Any suggestions on how to move on this further?

Any comments?

[Astro]

You can switch sponsors as many times as you'd like, and it's not uncommon to have more than one. The important thing is that you feel comfortable with your sponsor, and that he/she meets your needs.

It's an honor to sponsor someone, but I have to realize that I might not meet the needs of a particular individual, and they might need to find someone more suitable. My job is to share my experience, strength, and hope, and to lead my sponsee through the steps.

The third sponsor I chose is still my sponsor, but there are times when he'll point me towards someone else who can help me with a particular issue, so in a sense I have many sponsors. It's such a relief to know that help is at hand when I need it.

[Tazman53]

Thanks Astro, I have gained far more from some folks in my network, in meetings, and on my own through reading then I have from my present sponsor. Part of the problem I think is he is close to my same age, but single and carrying on a LONG distance relationship, that and he has a newer sponsee then me who really needs his hand held a lot.

A lot of folks, including him tell me I am doing very well, I agree to a point, there is so much more I need to work on and I feel as though not even finishing step one in 2 1/2 months with my sponsor is a bit on the slow side. I have read the Big Book cover to cover at least three times and the 12 X 12 twice along with "Under the Influece" and numerous pamphelets.

Mentally I feel I am at step 3 and ready to start to work on step 4, but I really don't know.

[Astro]

You're right, Step 1 is very important and should be accomplished as quickly as possible. Try to remember that nobody is responsible for your sobriety but you. Obviously you're feeling the need to work the Steps faster than your sponsor was capable of doing with his schedule, so you've done the right thing in finding someone more suitable to you.

Pretty amazing that we have the clarity and awareness to make those decisions when we're sober, huh? ;-)

[Tazman53]

LOL Astro the claruty now is blinding now that I have emerged from the fog! Every day my head is clearer and physically I continue to improve, I had blood drawn yesterday for liver enzymes to see how close I am back to being normal in that department!

[jlo34]

Great job, Tazman...and kudos on being determined to get busy!!

The more thoroughly you work the steps...the better your foundation...the more spiritual content you will be. Everything is proportional.

If you want..you can keep the first one as well, kinda make him a "back up" sponsor. I'd explain to him. I had a sponsor "fire" me and her explanation hurt my feelings at the time. I appreciate though that she had the courage to tell me why...rather than me wondering, was it something I said, something I did? She needed something else that I didn't have (she and her spouse are both in the program), so she got a sponsor who's spouse is also in the program...working well for them...which is great! We still talk.

Personally, I have 2 sponsors. The one I've had for several years...she's a lot like me. The other one, complements the other side of me too...the "harsh truths". Both are very strong in areas. I make sure I don't play them against each other nor use them to "get what I want to hear". The funny thing is, they usually respond the same way..just saying it differently!!

Keep up the great work...keep "steppin" forward! Great job on reading the Big Book!!! I attend a 12&12 study and a Big Book study every week. That has seriously enhanced my sobriety as well!!!

Blessings,
Jen

[laurie6781]

Please be absolutely sure that step 1 is down to the very core of your being. That there are no doubts left.

Please remember that Step 1 is the FOUNDATION of your recovery. You I am sure want your recovery built on hard granite, not sand. You will be working and living the steps the rest of your recovery life.

When and where I came into recovery there were many 'old timers' who really advocated 1 step a year. I 'pooh poohed' like a good alkie and throughout my first year swore I was working on steps 2 and 3 and started my 4th step (yeah right, the great american novel) however, when I finally reached that year, was when I truly and honestly felt it to the very core of my being that I was ABSOLUTELY POWERLESS over alcohol and that MY LIFE HAD BEEN TOTALLY UNMANAGEABLE all those years. No more yeah buts, were left, it was an undeniable fact.

As to a sponsor you are free to change sponsors anytime you want, but best check your motives. For me, I stayed with the first one I had until she passed when I was 18 1/2 years sober and then ask her sponsor to be my sponsor.

A sponsor is not going to tell you what you want to hear, and if you keep asking enough people the same question you will eventually hear what you want to hear. A sponsor is a GUIDE. Sometimes the most important thing a sponsor can do for a sponsee is nothing so that the sponsee slows down.

Tazman I do believe every one of us has been where you are now and in a hurry, When I took my 1 year cake, there was a fellow getting a 20 year cake, I commented to my sponsor, oh to be where he is, 20 years WOW. She looked at me, then looked at me some more and said "now look at all you would have missed. You will get 20 years my dear, ONE DAY AT A TIME." roflmao and she was so right.

I am so grateful my sponsor helped me to slow down, I would have missed so much.

JMHO

Love and hugs,

[odatrose]

Hey Taz,

There was a sponsor thread just recently did you see it? If you feel that it is the right thing for you then step out and do it. Just don't forget to let the first sponsor know and thank him for being a responsible member of AA. I agree with what Laurie says that they are our guides. My sponsor totally says things I don't want to hear, I value it all, she does have 22 yrs of living in Grace. My motor was reved up also, I was given a Soapstone turtle braclet to remind me to slow it down before we started the work. I also read More a bout alcoholism and other suggested litature before starting. I valued that her time could be better served for someone else who had surrenderd if I hadn't fully conceived to my innermost self that I could never drink again. She has been my sponsor for over 8 yrs and I don't have that time. She kept me after I drank again which I thanked her for. So we really don't call shots here, she could of dumped me if she felt she was wasting her time with this hardheaded alki. I hope everything goes well and you continue to stay fired up about recovery.

[GlassPrisoner]

Soapstone turtle

I too am guilty of rushing. I think I was maybe 4 days sober and I was asking my sponsor about step 3 ! Which, in my head, was where I was at. He, of course, said "Hey, whoa, slllooowwww down !"

It wasn't until my second week that my sponsor told me to read The Doctors Opinion, Bills Story and Spiritual Experience. He then had me highlight all of the applicable parts of these that I felt applied. Next, I wrote down events in my life that demonstrated powerlessness. Lastly, we sat down and read and discussed these readings and writings. This was step one.

Last week, we did the same thing with There is a Solution and More about Alcoholism.

This weekend, we will get into "How it works". My sponsor, of course, has the final say, but I'm pretty sure we'll be doing the 3rd step prayer and turning everything over to God.

Amyway, got a little off topic, picked up on the rushing thing.

[fraankie]

Any suggestions on how to move on this further?

call your sponsor
seriously
you are doing the right thing
so
go for it


best
fraankie

[Tazman53]

Wow a lot of good advice. I plan on speaking to my first sponsor ASAP to let him know what is up, I really like the guy a lot, but I do feel frustrated in ways which is not a good thing for my mental sobriety, I will have 3 months on the 18th of Dec., and have had 2 one on one face to face meetings with Dan my first sponsor, and we barely touched on the first step.

I am not saying he is a bad guy, when I first asked him to be my sponsor it was the day I got out of de-tox, they had drilled it into our heads that getting a sponsor ASAP was crucial so I left de-tox and went to the first available meeting and asked the first guy I had a chance to figure out had some sobriety under his belt to sponsor me. He told me no, but he would be my temporary sponsor because as he explained it it was important for a sponsor and sponsee to click and he told me that one of us may reach a point where they feel the need to part ways.

Man it is so weird, I feel like I am cheating on him yet I know I am not, I just want to make sure I tell him face to face and not over the phone, he has helped me stay sober this far, but I am not comfortable where I am at in regards to a sponsor.

The guy who is going to be my new sponsor, Jake, had me meet him at a sponsors conference Saturday morning, some how he knew that spending 2 hours that morning listening to 2 sponsors speak would prime me for our converstaion during the lunch break.

Did I mention I made the coffee for this conference! LOL

The sponsors who spoke were great and opened my eyes to both sides of the sponsor/sponsee relationship. The second guy to speak was my sponsors sponsor and he asked his sponsees to standup, my sponsor and another guy stood up, then he asked his sponsor to stand! Then he asked every sponsor there with a sponsor to stand, every person there had a sponsor!

Jake (New sponsor) spoke with me a while about his expectations of me and what exactly I was looking for out of him, it was a great feeling that what he expected from me and what I expected of him matched perfectly. Do not get me wrong, I will not be calling the shots at all, but the shots he will be calling will get me where I want to be. He already had homework lined up for me, more then I could do in the time frame he gave me, but I explained to him that I would not be able to meet his deadline due to family commitments yesterday, he gave me a wink and said to do what I could and we would talk about where I did get to.

The more thoroughly you work the steps...the better your foundation...the more spiritual content you will be. Everything is proportional.

jlo I concur totally and so does Jake, he is a very spirtual guy along with his sponsor. He told me that every sponsee, in his opinion, needs to work the steps at thier own pace, but not to delay any more then needed to work them. He said that he would help me to work them at as rapid a pace as I wish as long as I understand what the step is, why it is needed, where it will lead me and that I am in his opinion ready to progress to the next step. I have no problem with someone telling me I am not ready to move on and explain to me what I need to do and understand to move on. Dan my temporary sponsor due to his work schedule and his personal relationships is not able to spend hardly any time working towards where I need to be going. Jake told me what I already knew that the steps were never really completed and that I would be working the steps for the rest of my life, which to me is great, the only thing it means is I will continue to grow throughout my life.

If you want..you can keep the first one as well, kinda make him a "back up" sponsor.

jlo that is something I had thought about, but hearing it from someone else makes it a much better idea, that is the way I will aproach it with Dan, he is a great guy and I do not want him to be hurt and I want him to understand I have no hard feelings towards him.

Please be absolutely sure that step 1 is down to the very core of your being. That there are no doubts left.

I agree Laurie, I feel I have step one well in hand, but I really need a sponsor willing to talk to me make sure I do. I know that if I dink I have given all power I have over to alcohol, I am powerless over alcohol without God (my HP) granting me the power to not drink it. The unmanageable part in my case was quite easy for me, I know that the only manager in my life before I quit drinking was alcohol, my whole life revolved around it, they only thing I managed was still being able to go to work. Other then that alcohol had managed me to stop doing anything with my family.

As to a sponsor you are free to change sponsors anytime you want, but best check your motives.

Laurie my motives I have gone over in my head time and time again, my motive is not to get out of anything, my motive is to get into everything I can. I want to understand, I want to be pushed, I want someone as a sponsor who is there when I need him and who I can be there for when he needs me.

A sponsor is not going to tell you what you want to hear, and if you keep asking enough people the same question you will eventually hear what you want to hear. A sponsor is a GUIDE. Sometimes the most important thing a sponsor can do for a sponsee is nothing so that the sponsee slows down.

Laurie I am willing to do what ever it takes, I really do not care if I am told something I may not want to hear, I trust Jake to see in me what I can not see in myself and point out what I need to do to resolve it. In regards to a sponsor having a sponsee slow down when needed, I understand that, but I am at a stand still with Dan, I want to be guided, I want to move forward at what ever pace is needed, but I do need to move forward. Jake has in one day tasked me with more things to do and spent more time with me then Dan did for 2 1/2 months.

There was a sponsor thread just recently did you see it?

No I did not odatrose, after I finish this post I will see if I can find it.

I was given a Soapstone turtle braclet to remind me to slow it down before we started the work. I also read More a bout alcoholism and other suggested litature before starting.

odatrose I do not view the steps as a race, like I mentioned in another post, I have read the Big Book three times and the 12X12 twice along with going to Big Book studies and step studies. I have also read "Under the Influence and tons of stuff on the net about our disease. I agree where needed we should not rush through any step, but I have been told by old timers that the worst thing to do is to not work the steps which until Saturday I felt I wasn't.

It wasn't until my second week that my sponsor told me to read The Doctors Opinion, Bills Story and Spiritual Experience. He then had me highlight all of the applicable parts of these that I felt applied. Next, I wrote down events in my life that demonstrated powerlessness. Lastly, we sat down and read and discussed these readings and writings. This was step one.

Glassprisoner I have not done any of the above with Dan, Jake will be different, I have had so many folks tell me that if you want to see a man woho works and lives the steps it is Jake. He has 18 years and still is working the steps which if I live that long is what I want to be doing.

call your sponsor
seriously
you are doing the right thing
so
go for it

Thanks Fraankie, basically it is a done deal, but I owe to much to Dan for a phone call to do, I am old school and for something like this I owe him a face to face discussion and a big thanks.