o2bserene

Hi SR Family:

I was posting in another thread when this thought popped into my head ...

When I got to AA I couldn't believe how messed up my life had become. I knew that this was the last house on the block for me, but yet I felt like I didn't belong ... that I was to good for this. I mean I had a job, a place to live, a car and people who cared about me. I wasn't an alcoholic and a drug addict ... I had stuff ... I wasn't a homeless street dweller. I WAS a mere victim of circumstance!!!

Was I powerless over alcohol and drugs because my life had become unmanagable? Or was my life unmanagable because I was powerless over alcohol and drugs? Which came first? Did it matter any more? Answer ... I was powerless over alcohol and drugs, my life was unmanagable.

I needed someone to show me how to get through my day. I never learned how to do that. I wasn't born with those skills. I was born an alcoholic and a drug addict and I will die that way, but I don't have to have another drink or drug again if I don't want to.

These days I don't harbor the delusion that I am better than, but I know I'm not less than either. I know that I can learn something from the drunk that just pissed his pants, as well as, the alcoholic with 30 years of sobriety -- and everyone in between.

This is a desease of perception. If I perceive myself as someone not deserving of sobriety, I will not stay sober. If I perceive myself as a loser, I will surely lose. Today I have the opportunity to live my life as a sober alcoholic.

I didn't know what I was looking for was this program.

Thanks for listening.

Di

CarolD

I try to live my life as a "worker among workers"

AA allows ne this privledge.
As alcoholism is a great social leveler.
so is recovery!..

Step 1 for me was not about material possessions.
It was about my mental condition..depression.

Thanks for the topic Di..

chip

Hello Di,
Welcome to the 12 step support forum!

Great topic. I agree that it is a disease of perception. For me, it's a disease of the soul and the mind. My mind twists things around, and the disease makes me feel "fatally unique" at times. I have to watch it, or else I alienate and get lost in my own little world.

I can relate to what you are saying about the first step. I had a fairly "high" bottom, and I didn't lose much in terms of material possessions. I realized my life was un managable when I didn't want to drink any more, but I couldn't stop. From then on, I came to believe that I need a power greater than myself to run my life, because I fail. Just realizing that I need AA to get sober made me realize the unmanagability of my life. I wouldn't need to go to AA meetings every day if I was able to manage my own life successfully.
chip

collinsmi

I didn't "do" life well even before I started drinking. It almost seems like 2 different conditions.

collinsmi

I sought out people who seemed to drink worse than I so I could feel better about my own drinking. It wasn't easy! I also had this mental image of an alcoholic in my mind that I clung to for years: a guy I saw once in a large supermarket sized liquor store. I was a kid then, with my mother who was shopping for wine. THe guy was pushing a shopping cart FULL of liquor. My mother tut-tutted behind his back. Now, I realize he was probably a store employee stocking shelves, not an alcoholic!

jrmar

I agree Chip, alcohol is a disease of the sole and mind with me also. I used it to manipulate my life to hide and lie to myself. And to weave a false reality. And yes it makes you feel so dam righteous . At least with me. I had a hard time at AA it first it was the pity party and as soon as I started felling good I was in control again yah right . Jay

findingout

Thanks for this post, Di

There's a sentence in the "Why are we here?" reading from N.A. that says "We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs." For me, this sums up why just stopping drinking would not have been enough.

Before I started A.A , I was so certain that the program was not for me. I'd never been to a meeting, read the books, or even talked to a person who had been to a meeting or read the books, but I just knew. My perceptions of "who is an alcoholic?", "who goes to A.A?", "who needs a program to tell them how to live?" and "what will life be like if I don't drink?" were just plain wrong. But also, I did not want to really accept that I was an alcoholic because I did not want to stop drinking. I wanted badly to believe that there was a big difference between someone who drinks like an alcoholic and a real alcoholic.

I thought I was not a person who needed A.A., but A.A. turned out to be exactly what I needed. My experiences in the program have been essential in finding that something different which I'd been looking for all my life.