Question about my sponsor

[SummerBreeze]

I've been going to AA and it's absolutely wonderful! I found a Sponsor but have some questions about that part. She suggested I do 90 meetings in 90 days, which I agree with, but told me if I miss a meeting I am to call her, tell her why I'm not going and am not to leave the house at all if I don't go to a meeting......???? I didn't go last night because I was totally exhausted, napped on and off all day and went to bed early, no drinking. Am I suppose to be accountable to her as to why I don't go and what about not leaving the house if I don't go??? Am I wrong in feeling pressured or feeling like she wants too much control over me because of that? I'm going back tonight, I really miss it and it gives me strength to not pick up that first drink and I do plan to keep going but there may be a day here and there I don't go. Any input is much appreciated!

[Grasshopper]

Hi,at your next meeting,may i suggest that you look for the flyer about sponsorship,this will be helpful to you.
Some sponsors do their own thing,and this may be acceptable to both parties.,and it may not,.,be.Some stick to the BB,and guide their sponcees through the steps.The latter is who i choose to sponcer me.

[aasharon90]

My sponsor NEVER told me what to do.....as i to
this day dont like people TELLING what to do....

She always SUGGESTED things to me that would
help me in my recovery. She was a shining example
of what recovery was all about. I saw in her the
kind of person i wanted to be. She allowed me to
grow in recovery by not pushing or holding me down.

I know there are many stubborn folks in AA and im one
of them who want to do things my own way....and as a
result of that i often failed. So to follow her sugestions
was great for me as i could see it worked for her as
she continued to stay sober one day at a time.

If i was in a bad place or had an excuse for not doing
the work necessary to stay sober, she shared with me
examples of what would happen if i didnt go to meetings.

All i had to do was go sit in the meeting listen and absorb
what i heard...and more than likely i would hear exactly
what i needed to hear that day to help me stay sober.

She gave me her number, i knew where she worked and
she allowed me to follow her to meetings if i wanted to
and met her at conventions where she showed me
all about service work...

Even tho i dont see her as often anymore because im here
in Houston....i have not replaced her because she forever
lives in me thru what i learned from her.

I do think she would be proud of me for passing on the ESH to
others that she so freely passed on to me.

Thank u for letting me share.

[CarolD]

Grasshoppper is correct...
Look for

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

on the free literature rack.

You are doing fantastic Summer!

[fraankie]

i've done both

my first sponsor
i would call everyday
sometimes 3, 4 messages
leave a message what meeting i'm going to
just to touch base
it worked
i felt better
it was like a AA connection, just to call
and
i've had a sponsor
it was like
"call everyday"
i did it
but then i had your attitude
all i can say
my program faultered by not doing what my sponsor said

it's a sort of
"taking back your will" thing
try to do it for your 90 and 90
a meeting, a call for 90 days
i guarantee it will help
put those "control" feelings aside for a while

[B]"................................................. ...I didn't go last night because I was totally exhausted, napped on and off all day and went to bed early,..."[/B
i don't buy it
napping all day is for cats, bears, etc]
as in "i was just too gosh dawn lazy to jump in the shower, put on my shoes and go"
so
a suggestion
i learned in my 1st rehab
when you don't feel up to par
take a shower
it makes you feel better
and
it works for me
not 5, 6 showers a day
but
i bet it would have got you out of bed


best
fraankie

p.s.
your post is good
honest, sincere, real
keep it up

[Ngokpa]

The problem with sponsorship is that many AA's are flaming codependents, and can pull a control trip of some sort. But on the other hand, many newcomers are all enthused in the "pink cloud" stage, but then fade away when the heat's off, and eventually end up drinking.

I think both of you have a right to be concerned. Communication is important, and it wouldn't hurt to stay in touch. I wouldn't wait to have the perfect sponsor.

[SummerBreeze]

Thank you for your thoughts and input everyone! I just talked to her and she showed concern but wasn't pushy this time. If she sees that I need "pushy", by that I mean giving suggestions I see as being TOLD then I'll ask myself if she actually has my best interests at heart..... and I do believe she does. I guess we have to get to know each other and each other's ways better.

Fraankie, thanks for your honesty. You're right, I could have gotten out of the bed, in the shower and gone to a meeting. I do have a problem with "control" and I don't want it to hinder my sobriety. I need the strength that AA and my Higher Power gives me.

hugs to all

[2dayzmuse]

Sponsors can be so different. Not all of them believe in 90 in 90 either. No where in the BB does it say you must attend 90 meetings in 90 days. That came from rehabs. I had a bad experience with a sponsor. It was very controlling and plain unhealthy. Yes, I was helped, but after a a few months I had to cut all ties to save me sanity. It turns out it was a good move. Good luck with yours. I hope things turn out for your. The best thing you could do is be honest and tell her how you feel. We don't always like what our sponsors have to tell us, but it is in our best interest most times. If not, time to move forward.

[SummerBreeze]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm giving it some more time with her. Our conversation today on the phone was good. We shared a lot. If I find it's not going to work out and it's not just me, then I'll look for another one.

[collinsmi]

Don't forget she's most likely telling you what she did to get sober. It may sound drastic but this is a very serious disease.

[2dayzmuse]

I'm sure your sponsor is a very good one. I don't want to give you the wrong idea that if your sponsor says something you don't like, move on. You are doing the right thing by sticking with your sponsor. I should have clarified more. I thought what my sponsor said was the word and couldn't go against it. That thinking was not healthy thinking, either was my sponsors. It is just something to be aware of and it is likely a worst case scenario. Good luck!

[collinsmi]

Mine asked me the day I met him "are you willing to do whatever it takes" 3 times. I thought he was deaf! I didn't have to do the 90/90 thing either. I did, however, have stuff I had to do each day. I had to do that plus make meetings. Without realizing it, "whatever it takes" turned into "what's the minimum I can do to get by". My sponsor wasn't controlling, he said "if you won't do this stuff maybe you should work with someone else". For me, at least, it's impossible to see why the stuff works. THat's not really important as long as I do it and it works

[jimhere]

Actually page 18 in the book Alcoholics Anonymous gives a good description of the qualities I would look for if I were looking for a sponsor. And ones I aspire toward in my role as a sponsor.

Sponsorship does not mean "Run my life." Seems like for whatever reason, some people don't want others to be free. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm too busy to run someone else's life.

I don't want people to develop an unhealthy dependance on me. In fact, my goal is to get them free of me as quickly as possible, so I encourage the people I sponsor to think for themselves. That doesn't mean not following directions, but those are in the book. If a person can't or won't follow those directions, I can't work with them anyway. At any rate, they free to stay or go, as they like.
Jim

[Kellye C]

I could be way off base here but as I read your post I was thinking that your sponsor is trying to get you a solid foundation for your recovery, teach you a little about discipline and instill some healthy habits in you. IMHO the 90 in 90 is important to give you a solid base of the going to meetings, meeting people and listening to others share their experience, strength and hope. It also gives you a chance to get to know others in recovery, allow them to get to know you and allows you to replace old negative behaviors with positive ones.

As for not leaving the house if you're not going to a meeting, it could be about control or it could be that she wants you to think, making recovery your top priority and if you "can't" go to a meeting then you "can't" do anything else either. I hear it talked about in the rooms that you have to put the engery into your recovery that you put into your drinking. While drinking I would drive through flooding rains, get my lazy *ss out of bed and do whatever it took to get alcohol. Therefore, I have driven to meetings in the flooding rains and hauled my lazy *ss out of bed for meetings even if I didn't want to go. My first sponsor (who relapsed and is now dead) demanded that I call her daily and I hated it. I don't like to be told "do something or else". She only had 6 months sober when we paired up and was still very sick herself. She did tell me though, that the reason she wanted me to call her daily is so that it would become a habit and something I did automatically. She told me the day would come when there was nothing standing between me and a drink or that something would happen where I would want to drink. She wanted me to have tools in place to use instead of a bottle. That time came and immediately I called her and at that moment what she had asked of me made perfect sense and more than likely saved my life and made me stronger as I got through a crisis of huge proportions without drinking.

My sponsee today is a lot like I was and doesn't want to call. I don't demand that she does but I enourage her to stick with the winners and pick up a phone if she is out of sorts. She has people in the rooms she has become close to that have more time than I do so I encourage those relationships, raise red flags when I see them and make suggestions. I tell her that the choices are hers as is the responsibility of those choices and that I will not tell her what to do but I will share what worked for me.

I hope this helps,
Kellye

[barb dwyer]

[quote=Kellye D]I could be way off base here but as I read your post I was thinking that your sponsor is trying to get you a solid foundation for your recovery, teach you a little about discipline and instill some healthy habits in you. IMHO the 90 in 90 is important to give you a solid base of the going to meetings, meeting people and listening to others share their experience, strength and hope. It also gives you a chance to get to know others in recovery, allow them to get to know you and allows you to replace old negative behaviors with positive ones.

Hi -
Kellye, I don't think you're off base at all.
Agree. You know, my habit was to get off work, just walk around to the other side of the bar, and start drinking. The last coulple of eyars, I drank as soon as I got there, whether I was working or not. The point is -
I've a HABIT of going to a bar when I feel tense, bored, challenged, lonely, mad, scared ... whatever.
90/90 establishes a new pattern all the way around.
Now, I get up (shower) and get myself suited up to show up at the club to wait for the first meeting.
If I don't do that - I lay around all day, don't do housework - just 'stew' and that's how slips occur. I sink back into myself as I was very quickly and accomplish nothing, including the promise I made to HP and my own sponsor of attempting to work myself an active program.
I'm too new and too fragile to risk a slip. Or to think that what I'm thinking is ok.
The way I think gets me drunk. Or dead.

Also - I've only been back 'in' for almost two months, and the fatal nature of this disease has already shown itself in our group. And it almost did just night before last, too.

It could be that your sponsor just ... worries. You know?
I know that I would.

Sorry not brief - er.
Thanks for letting me share!

[SummerBreeze]

I just got off the phone with her during one h#ll of a craving. One that came out of nowhere, wasn't even thinking about drinking....felt that craving in every part of my body, even my stomach. Had to play the tape. I hadn't been to AA for 2 nights and I am meeting her tonight to go to one then to her house to talk. I had it all figured out that I didn't need to go to AA "all the time" ....that I could do it by myself (which I know some can, but I can't) and since I hadn't had a craving I thought I was gonna be just fine without 90 in 90......I need to go to meetings....she was very understanding but reiterated that she believes in 90 in 90. I wanted to fall back into my pattern of isolation and not "have" to do anything, part of the bipolar disorder....and boredom was one of the reasons I drank. Boyfriend came home from work, told him I'd had a craving (I'll keep them to myself from now on?) and before I could tell him I was going to AA he gets all upset thinking I'm gonna go drink. I know it will take time for him to believe, not what I say but what I do, but I did get mad at him and we had an argument. I don't want to give into the craving. I want to stay sober and have a life. If that means going everyday then so be it.
The craving is coming and going...mostly staying. I wish it would go. I have prayed to my Higher Power, have to keep praying or it comes back. Do they ever go and stay gone??? Why am I nauseated and sweaty? It was last Monday that I last had a beer. Does that come with the cravings?
I hate this hideous thing....alchoholism.