need to share.....

[chip]

Hello friends.

Ever since I was a little boy, I felt that something was wrong with me. I've always felt like something was missing. The feeling of longing is something which I have felt strongly throughout my life. I was never satisfied, and I always wanted "more".

My poor self esteem has made me feel a need to compensate. I compensated by putting on a facade of "toughguy". I compensated by entertaining delusions of grandour. I compensated by looking down on others and judging. Booze helped me do all this.

With the delusions of grandeour, my pride ran out of control. I was a bragger and a "big shot". I wanted to be the life of the party, and at times I was. Other times, I was the jerk at the party which people wanted to avoid. .

When I first started drinking alcohol, I found that it removed my feelings of inadaquacy. My fears vanished, and I was the toughest, smartest, and the best looking. I could do whatever I wanted, and I felt like a god.

At the same time, I started realizing that I would go further than everyone I knew. I took drinking to the extreme, and I enjoyed escaping myself.

I thought drinking also made me cool. I wanted to be a "rebel" and a "bad boy". I wanted girls to like me and I wanted guys to look up to me.

I had trouble relating to other people, and thinking about how they feel. I have a hard time figuring out how I feel. I kept my distance from friends, for the fear of being hurt. I was betrayed by close friends at an early age, and that affected me later in life. I was also afraid that I would be rejected. I wanted people to like me, and think I was the best....but I didn't want to get to close. If they got to close, I was afraid that they would reject me.

Drinking was a perfect package deal for me in the early days. I had some great times drinking. The bad stuff scared me, but these negative aspects wern't enough of a deterrent to keep me away from the bottle.

My father controlled my life. My ultra religious parents robbed me of a normal social life while I was growing up. When I left home at 18, I wanted to rebel against the establishment which robbed me of my freedom. Drinking was an expression of freedom for me. I eventually became enslaved by it.

I was raised in an ultra conservative christian commune. We went to the local public schools, but we were treased and treated badly because of our religion. I felt like I was persucuted. Also, my parents wouldn't allow me to go to school dances or any social events. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day, and I felt horrible about myself.

In my extended family, I have uncles who I've never heard about. Later in my life, I found out that they were hopless alcoholics. Genetics might play a role in my alcoholism. I am most certainly an alcoholic, and if I kept drinking, I would probably become one of those men in my family which nobody talks about.

Once I moved out of my parents house, the night life beckoned me.

I had a big chip on my shoulder (that's why i call myself chip here). I was out for revenge. I wanted to show the world who I was, and I wanted to make people sorry for treating me the way they did. I wanted to become a rock star. I wanted to become a rich drug dealer. I wanted all sorts of unrealistic wants.....all a part of that deep sense of longing I've always had. The longing feeling always comes with disappointment and rejection.

I treated women very bad. I know I did because I was hurt by girls when I was young. When I was a "cool" "bad boy" in my 20's I cheated on girlfriends and treated them like garbage. At times I would pick up girls whom I knew were insecure, and I would prey on them. I don't want to talk about this much more because it makes me feel really bad. I have some amends to make to some people who I will never see again.

Against the will of my parents, I dropped out of school. I started playing in rock bands. I started living a rock and roll fantasy. In my fantasy, I was a rock star. In reality, I played in a cover band which played in scummy bars. I wore leather jackets and started selling drugs to make money. I was so pleased with myself because I was the opposite of how my parents wanted me to be.

I cheated, lied, and stole. I'd do almost anything to come out on top. I was ruthless with people I was in business with (drugs) I ripped some people off. I took odd day jobs as a short order cook. I had a bad temper, and I was a terror in the kitchen.

Every thing was about ME ME ME.

All this time, my drinking grew worse and worse. I started having disturbing "firsts". First time in trouble with police. First time driving in a black out. First warning from an employer. First time being homeless etc......

I've got to stop sharing now. I will pick it up on this thread sometime when I want to continue.

I guess I'm beginning to turn my eyes inward and examine myself.

I'm getting ready to start my 4th step work.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Thanks for letting me share.
chip

[paulmh]

Thanks Chip.

[fraankie]

get it out
thanks

fraankie

[chip]

I've spent too much time worrying about what others think about me. I would embelish my stories and exaggarate.... to build myself up. I was obsessed with being "cool". In my 20's I had to be the "cool" guy. I wanted everyone to like me. If they didn't like me, I was crushed and I couldn't figure out why.

I'm trying to change my thinking patterns. Even today, I struggle with an old way of thinking. This old way of thinking views myself as others see me. This old way of thinking has me plan my actions based on what I think others would think is "exciting" "cool" "dangerous" etc..... I need to learn to be me, and be happy with me.

Back to that sense of longing I've always had, I always longed to be "better" than I am. I wanted people around me to think I was "better" than I am.

All too often, I'd get hurt. I'd get hurt because my plans didnt' always work. I'd get hurt because people would see past my facade, or worst yet, not even care. I really thought people thought about me much more than they probably do. My world revolved around me, and I thought I was VERY important to many other people, including people who didn't really even know me.

As a performer, on stage, I elevated myself mentaly to a point above my fellows. This attitude was in all areas of my life. Really, I was afraid that I wasn't good enough, so I compensated by pretending I was god's gift to humanity.

Taking a day job was a blow to my ego. I wanted to do my music full time, but I couldn't afford to live on the little money I made. My whole music "career" is a great expression of all this stuff I've been talking about. I wasn't really all that talented at music, but I seemed to be a pretty good performer. I was acting. I thought by playing the part of a rock star, I would somehow become a real rock star. I had this delusion that I would one day play arena shows, but I had no idea how I would get to that point.

I would constantly try and "will" other people into doing what I wanted. Again, I often was hurt because they wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. I often thought I could make unreasonable demands on others just because I was who I was. My sick mentality was like this: "You want to do what I want because I am the almighty chip, and you should want to worship me". Talk about a god complex... I had a full out of control god complex.

This disease of self centerness took a nasty manifestation when I went through a scary parinoid phase. My music career had a bit of a slow down, and I was saturating the local market too much (playing at the same local clubs too often, and losing the following). At about the same time, I cheated on my long term girlfriend and broke up with her. She was devestated, and she went into a depression. I also became homeless. At the time I told myself that I was waiting to go on tour, and there was no point of getting another apartment. In reality, I didn't have the tour planned at all.

I foolishly spent the last of my money on repressing the CD I was selling. I did so because I thought I was going on another tour. I had no idea how this tour was going to happen, but I thought somebody would work it out for me because I was the almighty chip. So there I was, in 1998, homeless with no plans, no money, no tour and a bunch of CDs. Everyone who was into my music in the area already bought the first pressing of the CD, and I still have those boxes today.

This "down time" saw me spiral down into a depression and a parinoid state.

At a local bar, I picked up a girl who came out to see me play. She also bought me some food ( I was getting free drinks at the bar, but I wasn't eating very much). I knew she had her own apartment, and I went home with her that night. I was living in a walk in closet at a local promoter's place, and it was nice to stay with this girl. Later I ended up getting married to her.

I snapped out of my parinoid state when I stopped taking uppers and started going to church. I went to church for several months, and I believe that God helped me with my mental health issue at that time.

My new girlfriend gave me a place to live, and even though I treated her badly, she was very nice to me. I convinced her to invest her money into my next CD. The CD took a lot of work and money, and although it was good musically, I didn't sell very many copies at all.

My band turned into a cover band, and we played the dive bar circuit.

I convinced my family to give me some money so I could buy a house and marry my girlfriend. She and I went 50/50 for a down payment on a house. I got her pregnant before we even moved in.

I was in the drug business as well, and I was growing marijuanna. I turned the basement of the new house into a marijuanna grow opreration. I had to swallow my pride and get a day job as a cook.

During this time, my drinking got really bad. I would wake up in the morning and drink 1-2 beers and smoke a joint while attending to my marijuanna plants. I would drive to work and have another beer and a joint in the parking lot. I would drink at work all day. After work I would sit at a bar and drink untill I was blacked out. This was my life, and I remember the events of sept 11 2001 in this haze.

On the night my son was born, my wife convinced me to come home from the bar early. We had a big fight, and I smashed some beer bottles against the side of the house. She went into labour, and I drove (yes I drove) to the hospital. In the trunk of the car, I put her suitcase and a 12 pack of beer.

During her labour, I would go out to the car for beer breaks.

I feel pretty bad about how I wasn't really all there emotionally when my son was born. I remember it, but the memory is a bit hazy because of my drinking.

I stopped doing the marijuanna operation when my partner went to federal prision for drug dealing.

My band broke up, and my job got better. I started trying to hide my drinking.

Back to the obsessive thinking about what other people think...... I wanted people to think that I "cut back" and that I was getting my life straightened out. I was actually drinking heavily every day, but I wasn't drinking as much as I wanted to be drinking. I started a battle with my drinking. When I was controling it, I wasn't enjoying it. When I was enjoying it, I wasn't controling it. I was doing my black out drinking thing alone in my garage late at night.

The "first time" experiences kept happening, and I kept having scary drinking experiences. I got in trouble with the law for the first time. I started having drinking related health problems for the first time. My blackouts were getting scary, and I did some unspeakable things.

I was also constantly injuring myself because of my drinkng. I was doing some really stupid things. I was passing out in weird places, and I think in this time I was starting to realize that I am an alcoholic.

I'll write more soon.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better getting this stuff out. It would be one thing to write it all out in word, and keep it to myself. I like posting it on line because it's a relief to share it with another person. I have to admit that I like being anonymous here.....lot's of this stuff I wouldn't want somebody who knows me to read.

Anyways, this is very helpful to me, and I thank you.
chip

[Grasshopper]

Thank you Chip,for sharring.

[REZ]

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for digging deep and being honest. I can relate to a lot of this. I'm sure you'll reap the benefits of this step work.

[2dayzmuse]

Great share Chip. It sounds like you are well on your way to healing by reexamining your life. Right on!

[collinsmi]

A lot of that thinking sounds familiar.....

[FriendofBill]

Chip,

Ive "known" you since your very first post here, when you wanted to only moderate your drinking.

Let me tell you......

you have come along way baby and your sobriety is totally amazing to see.

You are an inspiration!

keep on keeping on.

[chip]

You people are so wonderful. Thank you for being here for me.

[Chy]

You've done well chip I'm very happy for you! Keep up the good work!