not healing fast enough

[c'est la vie]

it's been 3 months and i'm not feeling much better right now. I can't tell you how much i really want to just get f*k'd up and leave my husband. I'm not happy enough, organized enough, helpful enough and whatever else enough. And I don't think going to AA meetings every day is going to help me have more time to get more organized or do more housewife/mom stuff. I'm dying inside and I was really hoping that AA would help but my husband says he doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better.

[collinsmi]

The first year was tough for me. Everyone acting crazy and no anesthetic. Got lucky I guess, might have been more afraid of that first drink than all the other insane crap that was going on in my life, and believe me, there was plenty.

I also remember a time a few years before that year when I felt AA wasn't helping me enough with my marraige. I must have made the right choice cause I no longer have a marraige to worry about. The divorce was an educational experience; I have a new appreciation for my capacity to feel insanely horrible and come up with huge sums of money on short notice at the same time. Some doors are harder to shut than they are to open.

[CarolD]

My problem in early sobriety was "mental fog"

I did go each a.m. to AA...more on weekends.

My depression lifted at 2/3 months
but my mind felt blank.

I became a list maker..I needed a list for everything.
I did not remember what was said in meetings or at
work or socially for about 6 months.

All I recall is a huge sign over the podium..

"Keep Coming Back It Works!"

I did and it has!..

This is from todays posting
AA Thought

Thought to Ponder....

While it isn't always easy, if I keep it simple, it works.

Our situations are not similar
but I wanted to share that I too had a difficult time.

Hugs and Prayerss for your peace..

[Sugah]

I don't know a whole lot of us who get sober and turn into June Cleaver. We get better, change old ways, and become better people all around, but we don't become perfect. And anyone -- including ourselves -- who expects us to be perfect is having unrealistic expectations. Ain't gonna happen. You'll not only drive yourself nuts trying to live up to those kinds of ideals, you'll also end up drunk in the process. I see myself and many, many of the other alcoholics I know in your statement:

I can't tell you how much i really want to just get f*k'd up and leave my husband.

If we can't be perfect, we may as well quit right now! But that road doesn't go anywhere, does it?

See, the feminist in me would say, "Ditch the husband & his expectations, and stay sober for you." But I'm getting better, so I won't say that!

My first reaction (other than the opinionated one above!) to your post was to ask, (1) were you ever this model wife/mother that you're trying to be now? If the answer is never, maybe that's not you! and (2) how long did it take you to slip away from that person? If you drank ten years, it may not take ten years to reach your full potential, but three months??! Give yourself a break! I can honestly say I remember very little of my first six months sober. I was still in a brain fog. Things were better by a year, better yet at two years, and before you cringe and say, "I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" remember -- you can't get there but by putting one foot in front of the other and staying sober one day at a time. Besides, we all "get better" at our own rates. And really, you're better right now. You're on here posting rather than drowning your perceived failures in a bottle of wine.

Then I had another reaction. Have you suggested to your husband that he may need recovery, too, in order to deal with his feelings regarding your drinking and your new sobriety? Has he attended an al-anon meeting?

One last thought: the people we become sober develop slowly over time. Very often, the person who emerges is very different from anyone we've ever been. I'll lay one last generalization on you: regardless of your perceived faults, I am willing to bet that you're a better person sober than drunk.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Little Missy]

I agree, the changes don't happen over night!! And even 2 years later, I'll still balk on doing the dishes!! LOL I'm sure they will still be there tomorrow (which is now today, and yep, they're still there)

AA/Life is a journey, not a destination!! You are right where you are suppose to be!!

Love and Hugs to you!!

[JaySee]

Hi

I read, that when we get sober we start to feel. It is true for me. I have started to feel. Some of those feelings are great, some not so great and some awful. When I get through the bad stuff without a drink I am actually 'flexing emotional muscle'. The more I do it, the more 'emotionally fit' I become. Sometimes only going through these bad feelings and getting to the other side, which always does happen, is the only way for me to grow.

Basically we do grow. Very hard to realise this when we are in the middle of emotional turmoil, but hang in there. When we get to the other side we are stronger. All part of getting well.

Keep the faith, it does get better. I deal with my sh*t on a daily basis, that way I cope. The good days now far outnumber the difficult days.

much love
JC

[paulmh]

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough. It doesn't get perfect, but it does get better.

[Cathy31]

i can so relate to you Angie! i felt like that when I was going to meetings (a few) and kind of enjoying some of the fellowship, but that soon evaporated cause i was not working a program ... the aa program of action and the fellowship are 2 distinct things. the former is what really enables you to live IMHO and is your key to freedom and peace and happiness.

you are on the right path...kieep trying. i am 6 months sober today after 18 months of in and out of AA and NOT doing what was suggested (i'm talking about me here, not you! ) and TRYING to do it my way. then i surrendered. got a sponsor. and worked the program. it really is as simple as all of that. but don't beat yourself up, we all have our own timetables. i still can't BELIEVE that i can say i am 6 months sober and not be lying about it!!!!

Much love
cathy31
x

[nogard]

The first year for me was both good and difficult. Good because I was sober and feeling better in some ways and difficult because I was not able to see through the fog, would not have realised thats what it was, was not able to do things I thought I wanted to do.

I hung in there the fog cleared gradually and now I am slowly getting to meet me. It takes times, take it easy.

Kevin

[StrongR2Day]

I have attention deficit disorder, so if you wanna see real disorganization, follow me around for an hour.

But seriously, my home is a lot less tidy since I got in to recovery. You may think that's a bad thing, but it's really the best thing that ever happened to me. I used to be neurotic about cleanliness and sought to find perfection in everything I did and was making myself, and everyone around me, nuts. Today, I'd rather leave a few dishes in the sink, order out rather than cook and maybe even (gasp) leave a bed unmade...all so I can enjoy life a little more. I spend a heck of a lot more time cuddling my kids now and doing fun things with them, rather than making sure my housework is done. Maybe part of that is because I'm single now, and have no one else to answer to...but a big part of it is that when I die, no one is going to care if the bed was made, but my kids will always remember the pajama parties and other goofy things we did together.

It took time to get to this state of mind, but mostly it took acceptance of myself for who and what I was, not what I wanted to be. Be gentle with yourself, you are only 3 months into recovery...nothing good happens overnight. Try to focus on loving yourself a little more, you may find a lot more joy in your recovery if you do. (I thought my sponsor was whacked when she made me start practicing more self care, but it really did make a difference in the quality of my recovery).

[zoomer]

I too had a much cleaner house when I was drinking then I do now. I use to get buzzed and clean,now my house is just a mess because I don't have that extra help to be motivated any more. I know for me that I had to seek outside help for my depression. AA is not a cure all and I went to any lengths for all of me to get well,so I sought outside help. I'm leaving my husband because his exspectations where just too much for me. Not that he wanted a clean house, I'm the one who wants that,but me acting the way how he wanted me to or thinking I should act. Of course I'm not suggesting you leave your husband, I'm just doing it for me because he triggered a lot of my drinking and again I'd go to any lengths to keep sober and sain. I'm over two years clean and sober now and things still look bleak on some days. I just know that this too shall pass and that the next day things might look a little brighter. It's a one day at a time program meaning that your not going to feel the same each and every day. AA is to help me not to drink today along with many other people in the program. My shrink is to help me with my mental and emotional problems, my lawyer is for my divorce, my sponcer guides me in the program and working the steps each day,but it's the program that helps me gather people and professionals to meet my needs in all ways. I hope you feel better today and I hope the cravings pass. Just the other day I found out my 16 year old is pregnant just to top off all her other problems she is having. Boy O boy did I want to drink. I wanted a few belts to numb me. I went to a meeting instead,talk to sober people and got over the cravings and I went shopping too LOL. I used all the tools I could to get me through a rough time. Gosh if I can stay sober anyone can!!!

[Ngokpa]

I've often found that going to meetings wasn't enough, which meant doing more. It began with finding some kind of way to work the steps, whether it was mainstream or not, and by getting more involved by doing 12th-step work. After a year I joined a spiritual community, and after two I got into therapy.

First we learn to stay sober the way things are, and then we usually have to start dealing with the stuff we drank around. Maybe that will mean leaving your husband and maybe it won't. We don't have to take any drastic actions when we're not sure. But if we want change, we just need to start somewhere.

[eire rose]

Originally Posted by c'est la vie

it's been 3 months and i'm not feeling much better right now. I can't tell you how much i really want to just get f*k'd up and leave my husband. I'm not happy enough, organized enough, helpful enough and whatever else enough. And I don't think going to AA meetings every day is going to help me have more time to get more organized or do more housewife/mom stuff. I'm dying inside and I was really hoping that AA would help but my husband says he doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better.

AA helped me to do this, be calm in my life, I didn't understand how meetings would make me more productive, less anxious and accepting of my life. It did though, I initially thought I don't have time for this, but I found that giving time to my sobriety meant that I could handle everthing else.

I don't know how to articulate it well, but there is something there to be got. Spirituality, a sense of calm, and an ability to handle life in a whole different way.

I don't go so much now, but the first 6 months it was helpful, I had what the call "dry drunk" behaviour at times, to me it was feeling the way you are now. I don't like that term so I am using it loosely here to identify feeling loss of control.

Love, Rose

[c'est la vie]

to your post was to ask, (1) were you ever this model wife/mother that you're trying to be now? If the answer is never, maybe that's not you!

It certainly wasn't and will never be me. I need to learn to accept that and to try to be comfortable with that. I've been struggling to be this super mom for the 13 years I've had kids. It's hard to just be an OK mom.

I spoke with my sponsor about what happened and it helped me be calmer during the day and not to hold a resentment. Later, my husband said he was really sorry for the way he spoke to me and said he could understand if I couldn't forgive him. Of course I told him I forgave him. I totally understand getting stuck in a wave of emotion that I can't stop (it happens all the time to me!) Then I went to a meeting just before dinner and got my 3 month chip.

When I hugged him later that night, he asked why I was being nice to him. I was so happy to be able to share true forgiveness and love. It felt wonderful.

[Music]

Hi C'est,
The Big Book talks about alcoholics feeling "nervous, irritable, and discontent." If, after several months of going to AA, talking to a sponsor, and doing my best to work the steps I still feel those things, I'm either not working hard enough, OR, I'm expecting too much, too soon. All I can do, is the best I can do. The opinions of others are none of my business. Of course, the alternative is to go ahead and get f*cked up and see how that works.

[Cathy31]

What a transformation. Truly miraculous. Well done!
Cathy31
x

[BlueMoon]

What's really hard to accept and deal with is that "NOTHING IS ON MY TIMELINE."

and ... PATIENCE is a real binch to learn!

~Blue

[jimhere]

Now you are experiencing the second half of the first step-and finding out that an unmanageable life manifests from the inside out. There will never be enough, happiness, organization, or love as long as you need that from the outside. People will never change enough to make you happy. There will never be enough money or material things to fill the need that booze once filled and only a g(G)od as you can relate to will fill.

You are suffereing from untreated alcoholism. From the condition, that, I can gaurentee you will put you in the position of having to drink. Because the whole reason alcoholics drink is because they can't stand being sober. You have a malady that just going to meetings and not drinking in between is not a solution for. That is what the program of recovery as embodied in the Twelve Steps is for.

What if I told you that you don't don't have to stay in this condition, that you can be brought to a state of being characterized by a peace of mind that is an interior condition, that you can find a way of living that makes sense to you?

It makes me sad that nowadays in Alcoholics Anonymous, we make not drinking more important than recovering from alcoholism. If you recover from alcoholism, you won't drink. You never have to take another drink of alcohol again in your life, ever. We don't gaurentee you a pain free life, but you won't ever have to feel the way you are feeling again. Period.
Peace,
Jim

[fraankie]

right now
the priority is AA
to get sober
it takes time
i know it's hard
so many things to do
but
just think if you were drinking
nothing would get done
so
easy does it

a good bet
is
like in the other post
make a list of things to do
on it put "make a meeting"
cross off each night
the things you have done

you will be surprised how many things you've done

it happened to me


best
fraankie

[scootinbabe]

{{c'est}}. thank you for posting this. it is exactly what i could have posted and you've gotten some great advice.

right now, i don't know about you but, for me it's all i can do to get through the day. if the house is messy, so be it. if my life is messy, so be it. "first things first" is starting to resonate. i have to take care of myself and guard my fledgling sobriety more than anything. i've got to learn to say no to projects and activities because i can't handle the stress. i need to focus on me, then husband and kids, and then bills, and food and....see now, i probably should have said the program and/or my hp before "me". and truly, taking the time and focusing on things other than the program spins my wheels in the wrong direction.

the other thing that i'd love to do is get our husbands together and either boink their heads together until they get it or send them to a long subscription of al-anon meetings until they do--lol! my sponsor gave me a bit of good advice about dealing with spouses. she said, if he starts in and his words begin to make you feel guilty, say something like "let's take some time to talk about that, but now is not a good time" or something to that affect so that you buy yourself some time, distance and clarity. other people may not get how hard this is and--in reality, i am just learning how hard it is myself. (okay, now let's talk about getting our husbands together--can i come to france please please? ;-)

[Chief Skeptic]

Originally Posted by c'est la vie

it's been 3 months and i'm not feeling much better right now. I can't tell you how much i really want to just get f*k'd up and leave my husband. I'm not happy enough, organized enough, helpful enough and whatever else enough. And I don't think going to AA meetings every day is going to help me have more time to get more organized or do more housewife/mom stuff. I'm dying inside and I was really hoping that AA would help but my husband says he doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better.

I don't want to be negative, but it took me a long time to get over feeling that "I am not good enough, or something enough', and I still should on myself///oh, I should have....." ex post facto.

There has been enough suffering in my life for any ten normal people. I refuse to heap it on myself...even if I am guilty...everyone is guilty of something and I live with mine because of the steps. The world will hit me hard enough without self-inflicted punishment and imaginary insufficencies.

CS

[scootinbabe]

i just read kipper's "relapse" thread of 10/05/06. lots of good info there. scary eye-opening stuff that might help give insight. here're some excerpts:

from justanothrdrunk
I was taught in treatment that the "relapse" begins long before the first drink. The relapse ends when that first drink is taken. Then you're no longer relapsing, you're using. But, whatever, slip, relapse, it all blows goats. And it's a part of recovery. I know when I've relapsed, I'm thinking that it's just too hard to stay sober and I'm sort of giving up. That's what goes through my head anyway.

from collinsmi:
I got to the point where I was unable to distinguish between what I wanted to think and do and what I did. Wanting to want this is not enough.

voyager7429
What I know now is that it was not a "relapse" because I was never "in recovery" -- working steps and following directions. All I was doing was biding time in between drinks, which I wouldn't characterize as a relapse. Truly until I worked the 1st Step completely - and this meant really acknowledging not only that I am alcoholic, but that I am "dead man walking" when in active alcoholism - I was not willing to to do the Steps. I went through the motions, but I had strong reservations about the necessity - eventually my willingness disappeared, and I drank again. Now, when I balk, I always return to the 1st Step - and this return always provides me the willingness to go forward with the work of recovery.

[c'est la vie]

The world will hit me hard enough without self-inflicted punishment and imaginary insufficencies.

I love this comment. I'm horrible to myself and need to learn to treat myself as a friend and not an enemy.

the other thing that i'd love to do is get our husbands together and either boink their heads together until they get it or send them to a long subscription of al-anon meetings until they do--lol!

LOL!! Sounds like a great idea!! When ya comin?


Since this happened my hub has been moping around and I'm worried about how he's handling the stresses of life. I feel like I'm jumping into codie mode and trying to make sure that everything is going smoothly and getting done so he feels better.

[jimhere]

Take this any way you want, but if I were you, I'd forget about your "codie mode" and address the real problem-the spiritual root of alcoholism-it's called selfishness and self-centeredness. Co-dependant is just a fancy term for self-centeredness. In other words, wanting other people and the world to change to suit your needs or to make you happy.

[PaperDolls]

C'est la vie -- I had this same feeling last week. "I can't do anything good enough". I talked it over with my GF and now she know how I feel.....usually I would just be crappy and annoyed, this time I actually "said" how I feel. I think I've always felt like this, my whole life, but I think it's pretty normal....we just have to remind ourselves that we are good and worth it.

hugs,
doll