To alcoholics who feel guilt or shame

[FriendofBill]

if you have hurt those you love and want to make right...then today, right now, this very minute, contact them, call, email, write a letter, send a message thru a friend and tell them you love them, you are sorry and you know you were wrong...do this for me....for a stranger youve never met. I am hurting so damn bad that my son's father has abandoned him and me...that he doesnt care if we live or die.

If you've been wanting to do this but are afraid of them not accepting it cus theyre still angry, or may reject you, take it from me.......

THEY WANT TO HEAR IT!

They want to know you care, that you are not cold and indifferent.

Come back and tell me that you did it, tell me how you felt afterwards, and you will have made a difference in my life....knowing that an alcoholic DOES have the capacity to make ammends for the hurt will help take away my hurt.

Thank you to anyone who considers this.

Christina

[aasharon90]

Depending on how long uve ben in recovery....you wouldnt want to rush right over off the bat and make amends...they need time to see how serious one is with their own recovery....there have been to many times we've promised this and that and never followed thru with it...then they begin to not trust us...so in time .....the amends can happen.....remember too there have been times we did say were sorry and turn right around and make the same mistake...today in rocovery we learn not to make the same mistakes again so we dont have to turn around and make those amends again...but....we learn the right ways to make our amends....and we do it quickly and honestly.

[miss communicat]

"today in rocovery we learn not to make the same mistakes again so we dont have to turn around and make those amends again...but....we learn the right ways to make our amends....and we do it quickly and honestly."

Thank You Sharon. Well put.

As I understand it, we'll make amends, either in word or in deed, and by living our lives to the best of our ability, except when to do so would hurt ourselves or others.

Friendnof Bill;

I am sorry you are suffering today. If it will help you to know that I told my daughter that I love her, then I am glad. I did. Please know that we love you in our own special ways, and we care for you too.

[c'est la vie]

Friend of Bill, I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting as a result of alcoholism. Since I've seen you around this website before I'm sure you've heard that it takes time and we can't force anyone to finally "get it" so we can only pray for healing of those still suffering.

I don't believe that going up to everyone and saying "I'm sorry I hurt you by acting like a screw up" is going to solve anyones' problems. I don't believe that their forgiveness will solve mine either. I was then taught that it's the ACT of MENDING the relationship that is important in AMEND not the words of any apology.

So in that respect, I'm trying to make amends where I can. I'm trying to be a more caring and patient mom and a calmer and happier wife. I love my family and I'm trying to show it.

I pray that your son's father find his way and is able to begin to show his love to your son and also to you as the mother of his son.

[paulmh]

Hi FriendofBill

I try every day to make amends to my wife and children and to the parts of my extended family I frightened or disgusted or offended. I try to live differently now. It took a lot for my shell of ego to be broken. It TAKES a lot. And it can only be broken from within.

Thinking of you.

Paul

[aasharon90]

Hi im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the Grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent had
a drink of alcohol since 8-11-90.
For theat im truely grateful.



Once in the grips of our disease, we were
using mind altering chemicals not be-
cause we wanted them, but because we
knew no other way. We hurt other people,
not wanting to, but knowing no other way.
As our disease progressed, we became
overburdened with guilt. This guilt carries
over into our sobriety and cleaness, and
must eliminate along with our insane past.

The fourth and fifeth steps are the ones
that clean house for us. Until they are
taken, we continue to operate from the
crippling effects of guilt. As these soul-
searching and cleaning steps are taken,
as they were intended, we become capable
of genuinely loving ourselves. And then
we can become capable of loving others.

Have you rid urself of all the guilt?

[jlo34]

Christina,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm sponsoring a lady who after being sober for 2 weeks, her husband left her (after 18 years of marriage...20 years of being together). Then she found out that he had been cheating on her the entire time. Then she found out that he had impregnanted this "other" woman. She just celebrated 2 months sober last week. This woman hurts so much from what her NON-ALCOHOLIC husband has done to her. He has a different sickness.

This woman is in so much pain...it totally breaks my heart to hear her pain. I can nearly feel it. I cry and pray with (and for) her. I promise her that as long as she works through it, she will feel better, not over night, but with time. Last night I asked her if she had the "Acceptance" pamphlet. She said she didn't. I told her that today we are going to get her one. Christina, I don't know if you've read that pamphlet, but it's really good. It's 24 pages and I know around here only costs $1.00. Here it's also located in the literature rack. I would highly suggest that.

Even sober people can remain sick in sobriety. Just because the alcohol is gone, does not mean that life is wonderful...all our troubles are gone. It just means we quite using alcohol. Unless the 12 steps are used...progress is not likely. We will be like "dry drunks". Sober and miserable.

Using the 12 steps, and I know you are a grateful member of Al-Anon...we have to do things in a certain order. Sadly we can't make right all the wrong we have done...not right away. How can we expect our loved ones to forgive us? Yet, so many times, they do. Actions speak so much louder than words. I am making living amends to my parents for all the hell I put them through. I am so grateful that my children and husband have NOT seen my drunk.

My prayers and thoughts are with you, Christina. Through pain, we grow. Perhaps you are in the midst of your miracle now. Hug that young man of yours and be grateful that you are so involved in his life and that you are dependable.

I have an ex-husband, though sober for a considerable amount of time chooses not to work the steps and has seriously damamged my eldest emotionally so many times. I'm grateful that I can at least be her stability. In fact, one night she told me, "Of all the people in this world, mom, I love you the most.". I started crying. Whenever I think about, I tear up. Unbelievable to have that kind of love with such a wonderful young lady.

Bless you Christina on your journey. Please check into that "Acceptance" booklet if you don't have one. Also, try reading the Big Book, "Wives" and "The Family Afterward". May also help you.

Prayers and loads of love,
Jen

[Grasshopper]

{{{{***}}}},i understand.
I too thought that if hub would say im sorry that this would help to make me feel better.Just admit his wrongs,that he did the things,and said the things that he did.Just do it,for heaven sake,will help me.This belief did not work in my life.Here was my problem.,my own belief,system,that anothers words can heal me,inside.And my needing this at the time.Healing comes from living in recovery,myself,and from God.Its an inside job.By the time hub did make ammmends to me,it wasnt vital to me,that he did it,or never did it.It was no longer that buring issue in my life.My exsistance no longer depended on anyone words.Its nice that he made his ammmends.But i no longer felt i needed it,to be able to live,happy,joyous and free.Im happy for him,that he is doing the do things for his own recovery.I had forgiven him,many years before,through working on my own recovery.My own kids were my example of forgiving Dad.They taught me how to do it,by their example.Through all the pain,and suffereing we as family have become stronger,through God.
Many a spouce have heard the words,im sorry,never again.,from the alcoholic.And yet the actions didnt change.
The alcoholic must be very careful in making their ammends.The 12 steps are in order for a very vaild reason.By the time one reaches step 8-9 they are ready.
Good judgement,a careful sense of timing,courage and prudence-these are the qualities we shall need.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and youre family,thank you for letting me share,how it works for me,
God Bless.

[ritah832]

It is good you want to make ammends with your family.

It will take them some time to trust you again. You are going to have to understand thier side of the situation.

I am dealing with an abf and I dont trust him at all and he knows this. I tell him that he has to earn my trust back that I dont give it back easy.

Just be there for your family and try to get that trust back. Dont rush it and just let them get back to knowing they can trust you. Doing things for them is all good but you are gonna have to help your self as well.

I wish you the best and hope that you can make ammends with your family.

[nogard]

Recovery takes time as does making amends as part of my recovery.

Kevin

[donedrinkin]

I began AA 10/24 and go to as many as three meetings a day. I've apologized to my wife and daughter but they don't seem to want to forgive me. We are seeking therapy for my 16 yr old daughter. She appears to hate me for all of the embarrassment I've caused her. I'm working the steps now but they don't understand that. I'd give anything for their forgiveness but I don't know if that will ever happen. They are pretty cold toward me. But what I want is selfish and I guess I have to get that under control too, as much as it hurts. But I am truly sorry.

[yeahgr8]

I made my amends with the guidance of my sponsor...they all worked out well...steps 1-8 come before step 9...

[NewGrowth]

Originally Posted by donedrinkin

I began AA 10/24 and go to as many as three meetings a day. I've apologized to my wife and daughter but they don't seem to want to forgive me. We are seeking therapy for my 16 yr old daughter. She appears to hate me for all of the embarrassment I've caused her. I'm working the steps now but they don't understand that. I'd give anything for their forgiveness but I don't know if that will ever happen. They are pretty cold toward me. But what I want is selfish and I guess I have to get that under control too, as much as it hurts. But I am truly sorry.

Way to go on starting your journey- it's a big step! We can't forget that our families have been through so much. With time we can win their confidence by living our change- this takes time.

When I'm having trouble with my family I read the Big Book pg 122, Last paragraph and keep reading till I get it.

When I made amends to my Husband, one of the reasons he said he could accept is that he has seen how hard I am working and LIVING the program- and also that I have been doing so for six months. Six months was all my wonderful Husband needed to help erase the YEARS of damage I had caused.

It takes time for us to heal and it takes time for our families to heal too. I'm rooting for you and praying for you and your family.

((All BB quotes 1st ed))

[Mark75]

Welcome donedrinkin...

Hey, it's been less than a month... Took a long time to get to this point of your life, alcoholism, wreckage...

As much as your heart aches and you so badly want forgiveness, that is not your job or your concern, right now... You must get recovered from alcoholism.... 3 meetings a day, awesome...!!! Where are you in the steps, do you have a sponsor?

[shaun00]

Hey guys do you know this thread is nearly as old as me?..

but what the heck.

an apology is not the same as an amends......well it isnt in my book.

An amends is putting right a wrong to the best of your ability.
That may be a financial amends........or a amends to a loved one
but the point is im gonna try and right a wrong..

An apology is something i threw around like confetti.....drunk or sober...yeah sure im sorry.

Second ..that amends is not for my own appeasement or to relieve me of some guilt........in fact it has nothing to do with how "i" feel..

I made a amends to my wife and continue to make amends to my wife.
in a way its an on going thing........
Ive become something i was suppose to be all along....
A loving...predictable......reliable.....responsible partner......Its what she was promised by me in that church.....finally she gets the husband.

not superman........just a decent guy.....that loves her......more than life itself.

Are you working with a sponsor?