Having trouble with 2 friends who are secretly drinking

[Rosie P]

Hi All - First I want to say that I am a brand new member of this site but have been reading it for a while. Some days when I can't or don't get to a meeting I feel like I have just had one by reading this. I felt like I was snooping or reading someone's diary. Tonite at my home group if I was asked to speak, seeing as it was a pick up meeting, I was going to tell people how much this site helps me. Today I read where someone said to go to page 419 in the big book and read about being discontent at a meeting and its true. If I am in a mood and the meeting starts late, long drunkalogs or anything (other than smoke as you cannot smoke in our meetings in Mass.) that hits a nerve, it won't be a good meeting for me. But when I focus on the positive, it is a good meeting. I have actually been doing that before I reread that in the BB but its always a good reminder.

So I have been sober on close to 18 mos. and have never felt better. I love my group and am secretary of it. I do have my ups and downs with service and other things but feel very comfortable where I am. I have very good friends in AA, an awesome sponsor with over 20 yrs sobriety and love this program and never thought I would. I am writing my fourth step and finding things I haven;t thought about in literally 15-20 yrs.

Ok, so the issue is I have a very good friend who has been my best friend for 26 yrs. She was divorced a year ago and moved into the apt next door to me in Dec 05. She was very sick with all signs of liver problems. Finally she agreed to let me take her to the emergency room on 12/13/05. She was admitted and was in the hospital for 7 weeks. She had liver problems and developed pneumonia. She was put in ICU within 4 days and was given last rites on 12/23/05. This was just unbelievable. I knew she was a heavy drinker but didn't think she could have progressed physically to this degree. She ended up home with home nurse and p.t. all of February. I was very frustrated that she wasn't going to meetings. She finally started going in May (after my year anniversary) but by June I knew she was drinking. In July she admitted to drinking which everyone knew and she was going to start fresh. I asked my sponsor to step in and twelve step her during the July relapse. Since then she has also sponsored my friend. Now my friend is helping her sister who does not appear to want to stop drinking and they are both drinking AND thinking they are hiding it from me. Tonite at my meeting which my friend has been a member of for 6 weeks she didn't go up to get her 60 day medallion and just said she didn't feel like it. I know I am lucky not to have a desire to drink but I am so frustrated that she was literally told by her doctor she can never drink again and still is.

I talk to my friends about it and I guess I am just putting it out there to see if anyone has any advice for me. I really appreciate it and really enjoy this site. Thank you all!!!!!!

[2dayzmuse]

I know this is very upsetting for you and I am very sorry. Unfortunately, you can not stop anyone from drinking. Let go and let God and continue with your own recovery.

[CarolD]

Over the years I have tried so very hard..
with 2 of my adult children..my best friend...
some AA members..a few old drinnking cohorts.

As far as I know for certain..25 died from
our disease.
And I stayed sober.

Have you read "Co Dependant No More'?

It's great to see you here in our AA forum..
Congratulations on your recovery!!..

[collinsmi]

It happens. As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, there's nothing you can do for them. Just watched 2 friends go out myself. They quit doing the things they (we) need to do.

Again, nothing I can do till (if) they're ready. Could anyone have talked you in here before you werre ready? Me either.

[Grasshopper]

Hi and welcome Rose,congrats on youre sober time,way to go!!!
I will be honest here if i may.
The road that lead to my hell,
was paved by folks with good intentions.
Their heart was in the right place.They tried as hard as they could to try to make me do the things ,when i just wasnt ready to.And i have done this to others to,with intentions of helping another.What ive learned,from being on the end of this,and doing this myself to others,is to truly let go and let God.Folks will get it,in God,s time never mine.And some wont get it,i guess.Or refuse to get it,i dont know.So,trying to BE,an example,is best for me,than tearing my hair out trying to force recovery onto another.Praying for them,that God will open their hearts and minds to recovery.Can only help others when they allow me to help them.If they are closed,then there is nothing that i can do.

[barb dwyer]

Hi -

I'm all about the 'work my own program' thing.
The immediacy of my own near demise id far too fresh for me.

My thing seems to be the opposite -

I was a bartender. I am now in AA. I recognize a couple of 'old timers' who're claiming umpty-dozen years sober, when I KNOW I've served them at my own bar in the last year. I was a popular bartender with people like that because they thought I didn't know anyone in town to tell.
Well, I didn't.
I really don't even care.

One is real 'sucky-uppy' with me. The other is almost openly hostile.
I try to ignore them both - answer politely, pray a lot when they're in the room all that.

The way God's let me figure it so far - I'm only 30 days sober.
I tried to kill myself a month ago. What someone else is telling the group is between them and God.

When I told my sponsor about it (I did'nt mention any names or anything) she said that was why she took me back as a sponsee - because I did so much of my own work.

Pray pray pray.

[fraankie]

all you can do
is offer support
..........to go to a meeting with her

it's a drag
but
when you were drinking
did you listen to others telling you not to drink


best
fraankie

[michski]

It is so frustrating.. Seems like you've done your best and now you've got to accept that drinking or not is your friend's choice not yours. I've lost 2 friends and a sister to liver failure because they had hep c and couldn't manage to stop drinking/using. Ultimately it IS their choice and it is so painful to watch that my advice for you is to focus on you and understand this as one more lesson on how baffling addiction is and how deadly it can become. I couldn't even go take care of my sister because I was in early recovery and her house was filled with drugs/booze... They didn't discover she had died for 3 days because they were so used to her not getting out of bed for days... broke my heart, but I HAD to put my sobriety first... it was a losing situation and I had to accept I was powerless over her addictions.

[FriendofBill]

If love could do it...........but it cant.

God can. And will....when he is sought.

[Rosie P]

Thank you all of you for your kind words and advice on this. I really needed to hear you!!! I do need to focus on myself and continue to pray!!! God bless. Rosie

[Rosie P]

Just got this in an e-mail and thought I would share.

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To *let go* does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone
else.



To *let go* is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control
another.



To *let go* is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural
consequences.



To *let go* is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my
hands.



To *let go* is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most
of myself.



To *let go* is not to care for, but to care about.



To *let go* is not to fix, but be supportive.



To *let go* is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.



To *let go* is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.



To *let go* is not deny, but accept.



To *let go* is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own
shortcomings and correct them.



To *let go* is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day
as it comes, and cherish everything in it.



To *let go* is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.