Relapse!

[kipper]

My fiance relapsed yesterday. His 1st relapse. He was 2 months sober after going through treatment.

I am scared and confused. Just looking for thoughts from others that have ha a relapse. Curious what goes through your mind when you are taking that drink and also what you are thinking the day after?

What do you need from your loved ones when this happens? What's the best thing I can do for him at this point?

Thanks

[CarolD]

I am sorry he drank again...

AA for him
Alanon for you

Take care

[FriendofBill]

Drinking for one day is not a relapse, its a slip. If he does not resume his recovery program, then it will turn into a relapse.

Its not uncommon in early sobriety.

You continue to support him without condeming just as you would someone who's luekemia has returned.

[KarenOskie]

I agree with Carol and 'FriendofBill'. I have a lot of experience with slips and relapses. When I was struggling along on my own, it's amazing how little thought I gave to it before I used again, usually only after a few days, though. It was like my mind just blocked out all the reasons I had for wanting to stay sober. I drank or used without thinking much about it, often with glee in fact. Then afterwards I was horrified and dejected and depressed. "Oh, God, I did it again!"
The times I relapsed after I'd been in the program and while I had a support group I could have used but had stopped using, I gave it more of a struggle. But I didn't have a good connection with the program, with other AA members such as a sponsor, and I had very little connection with my Higher Power. So, just like the Big Book says, there came a time when nothing stood between me and that first drink. If my Higher Power wasn't there in any form, through the group or sponsor or God, then I was powerless. I learned the hard way that if I'm not connected to and guided by my Higher Power (which for me is a combination of the group, my sponsor and God), then it's only a matter of time before I use again. Unfortunately, I was too ashamed to come back right away and ask for help. I just quit going to meetings and started drinking again, and things got really horrible. I wish so much now that I had known that it was ok, that I could have learned from it and would have been welcomed back so long as I had a desire to stop drinking. I wish I'd known that there was no need to be ashamed. It could have saved me and my family a lot of heartache.

[Slowbriety]

i wasent thinking, i saw an old drinking buddy asked if he had beer and away i went for 2 more years. bottom line, i wanted to get drunk more than stay sober. and the day after, all i could think about was getting drunk again.

[justanothrdrunk]

I was tought in treatment that the "relapse" begins long before the first drink. The relapse ends when that first drink is taken. Then you're no longer relapsing, you're using.

But, whatever, slip, relapse, it all blows goats. And it's a part of recovery.

I know when I've relapsed, I'm thinking that it's just too hard to stay sober and I'm sort of giving up. That's what goes through my head anyway.

My wife has always let me know that my drinking was not okay with her, and neither was the lying or the hiding.

Don't focus on yesterday or tomorrow. Just set your sights on today and what it takes to get through it.

[collinsmi]

Lots of good advice here! I used to think there was some strength of character involved with stopping, but now I think I was just lucky, Gods grace, whatever you want to call it I got scared enough to do this stuff. THere was always this disassociation from what I said or thought, and what was going on around me. I might have thought I wanted this or that, or thought I was serious about recovery, but I got to the point where I was unable to distinguish between what I wanted to think and do and what I did. Wanting to want this is not enough. It's hard to remember back to those days, but that's what it seems like now.

At any rate, you can't make him get scared enough to do AA. You can, however, go to Alanon and not put up with his drinking. Like the others on here, that's what I'd recommend.

[fraankie]

be supported
go to an AA meeting with him
it happens
but
let him know
he has to start again


best
fraankie

[Little Missy]

What went through my mind? Well, that I wanted things to be the way they use to be. I wanted to have fun and drink like other people (which I've never drank like other people, unless they were alcoholics). Part of me was selfish, didn't care what I lost, who I hurt.

What was I thinking the day after? (I had 3 sips of beer) I felt guilty, remorseful, weak, disappointed, confused, mad, sad. I had lost my inner peace.

For me the relapse started before I took those sips. I didn't even finish the drink, I poured it out. It doesn't matter how much was drunk. The thought process ARE what matters, IMO.

I too suggest Alanon for you. It has really helped my husband.

[FriendofBill]

Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk

I was tought in treatment that the "relapse" begins long before the first drink. The relapse ends when that first drink is taken. Then you're no longer relapsing, you're using.

But, whatever, slip, relapse, it all blows goats. And it's a part of recovery.
.

Blow goats!
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

very descriptive and funny

[paulmh]

Put it behind you Missy. Just don't pick up that first drink today.

[fraankie]

well, if he is your "fiance'
i think it may be time to "in-fiance" him
be strong
be nice
give back the ring

also,
i don't know the time schedule
but
if the marriage is soon
call it off
if more than a year away
a good bet may be an intervention

get your parents, his parents, the rabbi/ priest/ minister/ a brother, a sister
maybe even an AA friend he has
and
try to get him back into AA

there may even be something online
if you "google" _intervention_
as far as a format

i wouldn't suggest another rehab
you will only be adding to his psyche history
not good for job, etc


best
fraankie

[Clutch B]

I'm sorry that you've had to experience a relapse. It's got to be scary for you.

The first time I decided to get sober, it was because my boyfriend wouldn't stop nagging me to "get help". I got sober for him. The problem is, nobody ever stays sober for someone else.

He unexpectedly broke up with me after I had been sober for 70 days. That royally pissed me off. I went through hell to get sober for him! So of course, the first thing I did was go out and drink. I drank twice -- on binges two weeks apart.

What went on in my mind during my two relapses was, "Man, I missed this stuff!" and "Damn, I'm a complete failure and a total idiot. I'm too stupid to be normal. I'm worthless. I should just die." That just made me drink harder and heavier.

The days after, I woke up very angry at myself and suicidal. I was embarrassed for failing and afraid that I had lost the trust of my loved ones. I really just wanted to die. I was so sorry for what I had done.

Fortunately the last time I drank, I hit such a desperate emotional bottom that I decided that I really do want to get sober -- for myself. Screw the ex-boyfriend.

Now, I've been sober for almost six months. I only associate drinking with destructive behavior (self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, etc.) So I no longer want to drink. Now I know that it only makes me miserable.

The best thing anyone could have done for me was to be willing to listen without pointing fingers at me. I felt stupid and guilty enough already. I couldn't take any more.

I'll also chime in and suggest AlAnon. Alcoholism affects more than the alcoholic. You need to get the support you need too.

[dubliners099]

Al-Anon was really helpful for me when I was married to an active drinker. Although I found out later I needed AA, your case may well be different. Consider Al-Anon. These people really, really know what it's like to live with someone who can't control their drinking (or recovery) and will give you real-life hands-on solutions. Oh, and if you go to one meeting and feel vulnerable, don't just quit. They recommend six different meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is for you. (I think this is because each meeting is different in atmosphere and sometimes format. And because this is a life-saving decision you're making, you want to give it a good chance.) I know a lot of HAPPY Al-Anon folks, living with and not living with alcoholics (drinking or using or not). So don't give up. You're worth the effort. Al-Anon meetings can only help you clarify what's going on and give you suggestions on how to keep from going crazy.

Another good reason to go--people who choose alcoholics, addicts (or gamblers, or whatever), frequently find themselves choosing these types again and again. Even if you dump your fiance, I guarantee that without in-depth therapy (and perhaps Al-Anon), you will find yourself with another addict the next time. Trying to "screen them out" doesn't work; your pysche is inviting this type in consciously or subconsciously... If you don't make a change in yourself and only try to "screen out the bad ones," the next one will be sneakier and more difficult to diagnose. So if you want to change what it is in you that needs this kind of drama, get help yourself. I know. What I just wrote smarts... but I've found out this lesson myself. Now that I've done Al-Anon, AA and therapy, I'm no longer only attracted to (or attractive to) dysfunctional people. It's a thought. Good luck with this situation. You deserve good things.

[kcathometaz]

I must have had 100 relapses and "slips"...once you get in to AA and know alcohol is a problem...there is always the guilt..and once you get back into sobriety you are thankfull...thats why it is called an addiction...if it were so easy to stop...there would be no use for AA..yeah there are some that ge right in to the program and stop drinking and never take a drink again...but I believe it takes several or even a bunch of attempts before you quit for good. I have been sober for 2 years...I jut live 1 day at a time and I could be drunk tomorrow....thats just the reality for me personally...its sure alot easier once you have some sobriety...especially a year or more..but you are never "recovered"...any alcoholic can relapse...the disease gets worse even if you are not drinking and you can go for many years and not drink...and then start drinking and your drinking will pretty quickly get so bad it will be like you never stopped drinking in the first place..alcohol is truly...cunning...baffling..and powerful..

[Voyager7429]

I have had many episodes where I began drinking again, and I used to characterize those as "relapses". What I know now is that it was not a "relapse" because I was never "in recovery" -- working steps and following directions. All I was doing was biding time in between drinks, which I wouldn't characterize as a relapse. Truly, until I worked the 1st Step completely - and this meant really acknowledging not only that I am alcoholic, but that I am "dead man walking" when in active alcoholism - I was not willing to to do the Steps. I went through the motions, but I had strong reservations about the necessity - eventually my willingness disappeared, and I drank again. Now, when I balk, I always return to the 1st Step - and this return always provides me the willingness to go forward with the work of recovery.