Required Service Work

[Wisconsin_Al]

Apologies for the rambles, I hope I make this succinct and hopefully I do not step on toes.

But I am wondering about other people’s views on Service work, specifically the adage “You can never turn down Service work when asked”. I actually disagree with this saying and here’s my personal experience.

First let me say that I actively participate in AA. I am a strong believer in the 12-steps. I share at meetings, I sponsor people, I speak at AA functions, I participate in the “Meeting after the Meeting”, I drive people to and from meetings and pick people up who are unable to drive. I’ve written articles for our local AA news letter and never say “No” if someone calls and wants to speak.

However I am very uncomfortable chairing a meeting. Being the center of attention is difficult for me. You may ask how I can be a speaker at AA functions but be uncomfortable chairing? There are two reasons; 1) Chairing a meeting has audience interaction, I do not always do well with that, I can become self conscious. And 2) when I am a speaker there is no audience interaction and my thoughts are well collected before I speak. Since I am in a comfort zone I find being a speaker less scary than chairing a meeting.

I am working towards getting over my stage-fright of chairing meetings and feel I will be there one day.

But recently I was chastised loudly in a meeting in front of 8 others when asked if I would chair I said “No thank you”. I was berated with comments about “I am NOT ALLOWED to turn down service work. Well now not only embarrassed I am also angry. A heated exchange and the person asking me walked away upset.

I believe me and others are well within our right to turn down service work if we are not ready or uncomfortable. I feel I give to AA and AA has given to me. But to mandate anything asked of me I must do without consideration of how it affects me is unacceptable. One day I may be comfortable chairing but for now I will work my program as I feel my Higher Power is guiding me.

I am curious how others feel

Thanks

[CarolD]

Hi Al...glad to see you here again!

I know we all have a special niche' in AA.
I have turned down different tasks along the way...
and it does not bother me to say "No Thanks"

I am doing what works best for me...

blessings

[Wisconsin_Al]

thanks Carol. I know I lurk more than I share on the boards. Time for that to change (grin)

[REZ]

It's a matter of balance and doing what's right for you. Balance: you can do too much service! I have seen people get so involved in service that they don't have time for their own program, their family, their job. They are service junkies. Not good. What's right for you: you have to find something that fits your personality/strengths. Chairing meetings is not for everyone. It is a high pressure situation, puts you on the spot, etc. It might be good for your recovery to try work through your fear of chairing meetings, but you don't have to chair meetings to make a useful service contribution.

[2dayzmuse]

I think you should be able to turn down chairing a meeting without getting a negative reaction like you did.

[StrongR2Day]

I give you so much credit, I can chair a meeting blindfolded, but I have such a hard time speaking. The one time I tried, I had a full blown panic attack and couldn't even remember what I was talking about. Bless the good people that understood how hard it was and loved me through it.

I feel we all contribute what we can, when we can. Someday, maybe I'll speak again...I haven't closed the door on it. Just like you haven't closed the door on chairing. Progress, not perfection.

[jimhere]

I know people whose whole AA life is service, but have never recovered. I sponsored one-he was twenty four years sober when he came to me. Past delegate, active in service and his home group, but had never taken the steps. He was ready to blow his brains out. One thing he said to me was "I have used service to avoid recovery." A common thing in AA is to mistake activity for action. True service is the result of a spiritual awakening. Service is not the answer unless it flows from the answer.

Having said all that, for eleven years I was very active in AA-GSR, speaking, traveling, doing workshops, sponsoring a lot of men. It nearly killed me-I crashed and burned hard at eleven and a half-years of sobriety. So, I think it is ok to say no once in a while. The old "Never say no to an AA request" philosophy has destroyed families in AA. It precludes prayer, meditation, and intuitive thought.

I still serve in AA. I recently made myself available for a standing committee chair in our district after about a year's hiatus. I need that year to rest and do some spiritual housecleaning. Actually it feels good to be involved again and I'm looking forward.

One last thing, the next time someone tries to guilt you into service, ask them them why they are not up there chairing the meeting themselves.

[2dayzmuse]

Exactly!

[Wisconsin_Al]

Thanks everyone. I was a little concerned I would receive responses contradicting me or maybe even flaming me.

You have made me feel better that I am taking the correct steps. And who knows maybe being a chair is in my future one day

[jlo34]

Al,
I appreciate your position. I have been sober long enough to know where I am comfortable and where I am not. I began with service work and thanks to service work that is HOW I stayed sober in the beginning. It helped me feel like I belonged and was needed.

I still do service work. I don't make coffee anymore...well, I can't really due to an old injury. Sometimes I open groups, but not often. We have gotten to the point where whomever chairs also makes coffee. I do help set up and clean up though. I help out those without licenses. I sponsor a bunch of ladies. I've helped out with conferences and so many other activities.

I have never (and don't want to) help out with GSR, intergroup or the like. I am very interested in learning more and more about AA...learning more about the traditions and learning about the concepts...but I have absolutely NO desire to "be apart of" that!!!

I have said no in sobriety. I felt bad at first, but I believe if the no is purely for the right reasons, then it is ok. To avoid helping would be wrong. To get out of something just because would be wrong. However, I have 2 young children...I have turned down a lot of night time (during the weeks and during school) leads, because it's important for me and my kids to tuck my babies in bed. I have also said no to some leads because I feel 1-2 leads a year is plenty. There are loads of people here with plenty of sobriety to give leads...I'm not that damned special that I should be giving any more than that (in the area I live). If I'm asked to do something (that I know someone else can do instead) and it seriously conflicts with plans already in place, then I'll probably say no.

I always need to check my motives...before saying yes OR no!!! Why am I agreeing (or disagreeing) to do this?!?! I need to find the happy balance where I don't over feed my ego, yet where I don't disappear from the program. Right now, I have a great balance as far as AA goes!!! Course, last week I went to my first PTO meeting, WOW was that EVER a mistake!!!! Talk about volunteering!!!!

Sometimes, Al, in order for me to get use to something...such as chairing, I have to force myself to do it. I have to learn new ways to keep myself on focus and up to speed. I usually chair our study groups, because, I like to hear everything everyone else has to say....and it helps my humility to not HAVE to read or comment if time doesn't permit!

Keep up the great work,
Jen

[hector]

(Al), bless you for your active AA work. Bless you for knowing yourself and setting boundaries.

I totally disagree with the idea, "You are not allowed to turn down service work." I don't know where it came from or why, but I think it's done a lot more harm than good. You're not allowing it to harm you. Good.

I've been in your area many times while trucking. I've picked up lots of loads at the paper mills at Neenah. I once went to a meeting in Fond du Lac. You live in a nice area with good AA. Look for the good.

[daydream]

Hey Al,
I hear ya and I agree. Years ago I took a GSR position for my homegroup, although i was afraid of dealing with controversy, but no one else was willing to do it. I felt some pressure from a few controlling members, but it was a small group and I dealt with that okay. However, the area was small to and I eventually ended up as secretary and treasurer for the area as well. I was absolutely overloaded and the bickering was more than I could handle. The very day my GSR position was up, I turned in everything, secretary and treasurer stuff included. I left the rooms that day and did not go back for a year, until I relapsed. Today I know what I can and can't do. I have a larger homegroup now and lots of members with clean time. I still am afraid of conflict and what people will say about me, so it took me 5 years clean to finally take a service position where I am responsible for opening the building, finding a chairperson, setting up and cleaning up after. Took me 5 years because I was afraid of the negative talk and pressure if they didn't like how I did something. I have also held a literature and supply position for 2 years. I don't know if I will EVER be ready for a GSR position again, but I will not close the door on it. I know how I react under pressure and I believe my recovery would be in danger if I took another major pressure-filled position at this point. I continue working on my issues and trying to carry a message of love and support for trusted servants so that those who do serve will feel rewarded instead of obligated. During my one year break between terms as lit and supply person, I was frequently asked to take on secretary (meeting opening) or GSR positions and people talked bad about me when i said no. One of my own sponsees said right there in group conscience "Aren't you willing to do anything? A couple others said stuff too. It really hurt. The time they said those things I was also sponsoring 4 newcomers, leading a traditions study and picking up cigarette butts outside on a regular basis. People often don't realize that that is service work too. And I felt like they were targeting the wrong person. They only target the ones who actually attend group conscience. I know quite a few people with years clean who never even show up at group conscience, much less sponsor people or do anything else. I find my niche in sponsoring girls and helping out behind the scenes. This past weekend I spent about 16 hours selling NA merchandise at an all-weekend event. My name isn't on anything, I wasn't a main speaker, I wasn't the organizer. I just did the jobs that others didn't want to do, selling stuff in a hot room and helping clean up other people's trash. It helped me meet people. I felt a part of. I felt grateful for the others who worked hard too. Throughout these years of feeling pressured into positions for which I am not ready, I have tried to share with sponsees and others about the spiritual principles of acceptance, tolerance, compassion and humility as they apply to this issue. We're not all cut out for the same thing and it's a process for others to learn that just like it was for me. I also try to share about how the 7th tradition applies to supporting the group by being a trusted servant and by supporting those trusted servants as well. Can't have rotation and continuity in service if people won't take positions because they are afraid of being hung out to dry. Hang in there and know that we understand where you're coming from.

[Phinneas]

I just want to say that I agree a hundred zillion percent with what the wise folks who have shared before me said.

You know, absolutely every single problem or issue I have encountered in AA has been a direct result of the *people* not the *program* itself. They are very different things, IMHO.

Great thread. Thanks!

[Carol87]

Good stuff here ... I understand how you feel about chairing meetings ... that's how I feel about being a speaker ... something that I just will not do. Not because of fear but more because I was a high bottom drunk and I really don't have a story to share ... except I drank, I passed out or blacked out, whichever came first, came to, went to work and did it all over that evening.

When I first started chairing meetings, I would literally spend HOURS composing a profound topic! Had all kinds of notes, etc. etc. Well, today I go to a daily meeting that does not have regular chair persons ... just whoever either volunteers or gets volunteered! Which means I have to speak from the heart, not the head ... it did get easier for me. BUT if I get nervous, I'm lucky ... I'm blind without my glasses so I just take them off and BINGO! I'm speaking to an empty room!

Let me also add that service work can be as simple as showing up in a meeting and sharing something that another alcoholic can really relate to; it can also be helping others, doing volunteer work, etc. outside the rooms of AA.

JMHO

[justanothrdrunk]

Turning down service work is ALWAYS acceptable so long as you are doing so for the right reasons.

I think that sometimes people get upset when they think you're turning something down for the wrong reasons. Then their emotions get the better of them and that's when things get cloudy.

I would take the reaction as not being over your refusal, but rather the reasons for your refusal. If you declined, offering no legitimate reason for the denial, I may disagree with your decision as well. Given that, it's no reason for anyone to become upset. We don't always agree with the way others handle their programs, but we should not berate them for what we believe are poor decisions.

For me, a major part of the AA program is to get us out of our comfort zone, to get us to hang our necks out there and do things we wouldn't normally do.

I wasn't "comfortable" getting sober, but I needed to do it. My recoevery depends on my sobriety. My recovery also depends on service work and it's important for me to do some things that make me uncomfortable.

IMHO, stagefright or anxiety isn't a very good reason not to lead a meeting. I bet that 9 of 10 who do it also experience anxiety. Sometimes you just gotta hang your neck out there and do it. And if you do a crappy job, so what? To the best of your ability is all anyone can expect.

[fraankie]

i never turned down or missed a service commitment for years
so i go along with the "never say no" concept
but
now
i have occassionally said no
it's a personal decision
and
no one should chastise you for it

it's your program
you work it the way you want

i still do service
albeit, i'm a bit fussy
but............................................... ......



best
fraankie