Giving it another try

[KarenOskie]

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted here in a long time, even though I read here most days. I just haven't been able to stop drinking until now, and I didn't see how posting would be a good idea. For the past couple of weeks I've been in a terrible depression, and Friday it got to the point I was going to just end it all. It was like a compulsion, almost as strong as the desire to drink. Luckily I passed out before I did it. When I woke up Saturday and realized how close I'd come, it scared me really bad, so I called a 'help-line' and they told me to go to the emergency room. I didn't admit about the suicide plan because I thought they'd have men in white coats at my door, but I told them enough. I was going to go but then I realized that what I needed wasn't medical attention but sobriety, and I called the AA helpline. I thought that if that didn't help then I'd go to the ER. As it happened the person who called me from the AA line was a woman I use to know and have a lot of respect for back when I was in AA. She helped me to see that it was ok to go back to AA, that if people there gave me a hard time about relapsing that it was their problem. We talked about why I haven't been able to keep my sobriety for a long period in a long time. I told her I'd go but then I got back into bed and stayed there all day, which is all I've been doing unless I was at work. I cried a lot, and then when it got time to get ready to go I looked so awful, I just couldn't face going in. I drank the last of the bottle, which was less than a whole drink, about 8 p.m. and then took a benedryl to put me to sleep and haven't had a drink since. That was Saturday night. I've been drinking a pint a day for weeks, so this is a good feeling for me. I went to two meetings last night, the beginners womens meeting and the one after that at a local meeting place. There were women at the women's meeting that I use to be close to. They're all willing to help and glad to see I'm not dead yet. They naturally are wary of my chances of really staying sober this time, but I don't care. I'm not choosing between drinking and sobriety anymore, I'm choosing between death and sobriety. I've felt that way before, but I'd never gotten to the point I was going to kill myself, like had a plan and all. I've felt like dying, I think most alcoholics have felt that way. But I scared myself Friday. I realize part of the problem is I also have a problem with depression, and I wonder if that's part of the reason I've been unable to keep sober for so long.
Anyway, I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6:30 and I feel the chances of me staying sober today are pretty good. I'm going to pray and stay busy until it's time to go. I don't feel like crying and I feel like I can do something besides lay in bed today. It's meant a lot to me to be able to come here and read, even when I was deep 'in my cups', and I hope you all know that there are a lot of folks who don't post here but who are still getting so much from those of you who do. You've been the string connecting me to hope when all my hope was gone.

[Little Missy]

I'm so happy you are going to give sobriety another chance.

I'm here for ya!!

[laurie6781]

Karen it's nice to see you back.

I know about getting to the point of suicide, planning it out, the whole bit. This time, how about giving it 30 days and if the depression is still there go to your doctor. Depression is nothing to be ashamed about. Many of us 'self medicated' for years because of depression, I was one of those. So an anti-depressant may be needed. It may take time to find the correct one, but it can be done.

And, should anyone, and I mean anyone, make any type of derogatory comment about you being on an anti depressant, you just tell them to go talk with your doctor, seeing as they must have an MD after their name. Just remember, right in the Big Book, it states "we are not doctors" and it admits that many time professional help is also needed.

So...................alcohol is a depressant and that is why I said give it a good 30 days, then if you are still in depression it will certainly be Doctor time.

I am PMing you now.

Love and hugs,

[CarolD]

It's great to see you again Karen!!


Depression is why I started AA recovery.
I had tried all sorts of remedies to cure
my depression..nothing worked until I was sober
for 2/3 months.

My doctor said I had "situational depression"
once I quit putting alcohol into me
it fled..no meds needed..and has never returned.

This may or may not be true for you ..I pray it will.

If you do need meds for depression that is between
you and your doctor. I agree with Laurie..it's
not the business of other AA members.

Blessings..

[Grasshopper]

welcome back,
keep on,keeping on,

[girlindc]

hi,

i hope you are feeling better. i was in a very similar situation this past weekend where i was very close to taking my life- and it was because of having done some stupid stuff under the influence. so- well obviously i didn't do it, but i stayed up for hours reading about suicide methods, etc, but realized none of them would have worked for me (lol). but anyway the next day i went to a meeting (yesterday), and i'm going to go to another today. i also am in the process of making plans with another therapist to talk about my depression.
anyway- you are not alone in how you feel, and i'm glad you are here posting today. keep going to meetings, and try to meet with a therapist about your depression, because even tho AA might help you keep sober, it may not help with all of the others issues you have that led you to drink in the first place.
take care of yourself! *hugs*

[REZ]

Going back to AA is a great idea. I hope you stick with it. It has saved countless lives, including mine.

[2dayzmuse]

I am glad you are back Karen, fighting for your life. When I was drinking, I hated what I was doing and hated the way I felt. I had thoughts of ending it all myself. In reality, I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to live the life I was living. I didn't know how to get out of my misery without ending it all. That is when I was brought to AA. Kudos for you for choosing life and going back to AA. There is a happy, sober life waiting for you ahead. My best and prayers to you. You can do this! Keep fighting...

[Cathy31]

Karen
Welcome back. what a brave courageous thing to do...you are showing yourself in a way that matter that you deserve life and happiness.
YOU CAN DO IT. We are all rooting for you, as I'm sure are the people in your AA groups.
The love of one alcoholic for another is truly amazing. And I wish you all the very best in your recovery journey. One day at a time...and it works if you work it!!
Your sister in recovery (Carold said that once to me, and I love the phrase, so true)
Cathy31
x

[livefortoday]

Karen, I have always felt that the rooms of AA were the only place I truly felt safe and at home. I am so glad that you have gone back. It may have been the hardest step of all to walk back in after pickin up the drink! How corageous you are and what a wonderful gift from your HP that you are being given another opportunity for long term sobriety, there are many of us who never make it back. Just one more thing to add to your gratitude list. Keep up the meetings, talk to other alcoholics , get a sponsor and WORK THE STEPS!!!! It works if you work it. tk

[Zoei]

Originally Posted by KarenOskie

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted here in a long time, even though I read here most days. I just haven't been able to stop drinking until now, and I didn't see how posting would be a good idea. For the past couple of weeks I've been in a terrible depression, and Friday it got to the point I was going to just end it all. It was like a compulsion, almost as strong as the desire to drink. Luckily I passed out before I did it. When I woke up Saturday and realized how close I'd come, it scared me really bad, so I called a 'help-line' and they told me to go to the emergency room. I didn't admit about the suicide plan because I thought they'd have men in white coats at my door, but I told them enough. I was going to go but then I realized that what I needed wasn't medical attention but sobriety, and I called the AA helpline. I thought that if that didn't help then I'd go to the ER. As it happened the person who called me from the AA line was a woman I use to know and have a lot of respect for back when I was in AA. She helped me to see that it was ok to go back to AA, that if people there gave me a hard time about relapsing that it was their problem. We talked about why I haven't been able to keep my sobriety for a long period in a long time. I told her I'd go but then I got back into bed and stayed there all day, which is all I've been doing unless I was at work. I cried a lot, and then when it got time to get ready to go I looked so awful, I just couldn't face going in. I drank the last of the bottle, which was less than a whole drink, about 8 p.m. and then took a benedryl to put me to sleep and haven't had a drink since. That was Saturday night. I've been drinking a pint a day for weeks, so this is a good feeling for me. I went to two meetings last night, the beginners womens meeting and the one after that at a local meeting place. There were women at the women's meeting that I use to be close to. They're all willing to help and glad to see I'm not dead yet. They naturally are wary of my chances of really staying sober this time, but I don't care. I'm not choosing between drinking and sobriety anymore, I'm choosing between death and sobriety. I've felt that way before, but I'd never gotten to the point I was going to kill myself, like had a plan and all. I've felt like dying, I think most alcoholics have felt that way. But I scared myself Friday. I realize part of the problem is I also have a problem with depression, and I wonder if that's part of the reason I've been unable to keep sober for so long.
Anyway, I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6:30 and I feel the chances of me staying sober today are pretty good. I'm going to pray and stay busy until it's time to go. I don't feel like crying and I feel like I can do something besides lay in bed today. It's meant a lot to me to be able to come here and read, even when I was deep 'in my cups', and I hope you all know that there are a lot of folks who don't post here but who are still getting so much from those of you who do. You've been the string connecting me to hope when all my hope was gone.

Hi Karen,

I'm what AAer's call a dry drunk. I haven't been drunk in 12+ years. But I'm giving the program another go because I never could get through the steps. I'm gonna give it my all this time and hope that AA with the 12 steps is going to help me with my anxiety and depression. My therapist I'm seeing thinks my problems may be more than my addictions. That I may have real mental issues. Yeah, yeah, people are probably saying as they read this, if they read this, yeah you're running from whatever it is or whatever was bothering you, with drugs and alcohol. YEAH, but some of us truly do need the help of a therapist or a Doctor. When I think about taking my own life, and I have, I remember all those I love and that love me. I know sometime that the craziness seem like it will never end and there is no way out. That's when you MUST reach out. Ask for help. I'm not using or drinking and there are still times I think HELP I don't want to die. So I ask for help. You hang in there, keep going to meetings and I'll do the same. I want what the steps promise and damn it I'm gonna get it and so can you. Thy will be done. A good friend who is very involved with AA and has been sober for years and works the program like I've never seen anyone else do. She lives the program, she doesn't just talk the talk, she works it in her daily life. I love her. Anyway, she told me to just keep repeating "Thy will be done" over and over through out your day. I must say I do repeat it a lot. Okay enough from me. You'll be in my thought and prayers Karen. Take care and hang on.

Big Hugs,
Judy

[jlo34]

Karen,

What you described sounds so familiar (both before and during my sobriety). I too, suffer from depression...have for years. I use to take medication..but choose not to today.

I find, for me and for me only, that by thoroughly working the steps, my depression isn't near what it use to be. If I also keep a close awareness for signs and symptoms of depression, I can arrest it before it overtakes me.

Right now..while your feelings from the weekend are fresh in your mind..is a great time to start journaling. That way, if you start thinking that drinking sounds like a good idea or that it might solve your problems, you can reread your experience and feelings and see it for it's truth...a liar, a conner, and a deceiver, but oh so patient.

Sounds like you are at steps 1 and 2. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanagable. (Suicidal is pretty unmanagable). Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity. (Considering suicide is fairly insane, agree?).

Congrats on getting sober. Congrats on going to meetings and hooking up with your supports. If anything, I am always so happy and relieved to see a person return from drinking back into sobriety. The real pleasure comes when I get to watch them grow.

Keep up the great work, thanks for your honesty. It's hard being so honest, but so definitely necessary. My prayers to you...keep trudging the road (trudging - to walk with purpose).

Jen

[KarenOskie]

Hi Everyone! Thanks so much for your kindness and support. I went to two more meetings last night! They were great. I even got a sponsor, a woman I use to know and who is just fantastic. I am going back again tonight. I'm going to lots of meetings because I still am craving the alcohol. I can only count yesterday and today for sobriety because I smoked pot Sunday. I'm not doing that anymore. I can't say I'm all over the depression, but it's much better already and it may have just been the alcohol. But if I need the antidepressants the folks in this group won't give me a hard time at all. They don't want me taking benedryl anymore, though. I was adding it to the alcohol at the end of the night so I would stay asleep all night. So I didn't sleep hardly at all last night, but I still felt better today than I was feeling before.
They are incredibly supportive, just like all of you are. I can't imagine what made me so afraid! They're also keeping me terribly busy. Between work, AA, calling my sponsor and assignments I don't have much time to log on, but I'll be here whenever I can and I'm so glad you are all here. I've got to write out why I relapsed before. Not just the last time I had a couple of months, but since the last time when I was sober in AA a couple of years. I can barely remember! But I think it will come back to me. I'm thinking I just let too much stuff overwhelm me. I don't know. I can barely remember what happened today much less years ago. But I'll try. Thanks so much for being here.
Hugs to all,
Karen

[CarolD]

Sounding great Karen! Forward you go!

[KarenOskie]

My grown sons, 20 and 26, who are living with me, brought a bottle of rum home last night. I got upset. I thought they'd agreed not to do that at least for a while. I told them to take it out and they argued with me. I tried calling people but couldn't get anyone and I was in a bad space, wanting a drink. I went to a meeting and it was so crowded no one else could get in, there were people standing outside the door ten deep. So I left and came home and tried the phone again and couldn't get anyone. I realized, after soaking in the tub crying for a while, that though AA will be a big help to me, in the end this is between me and God. That was a good thing for me to know! But I still need to decide what to do about this. I thought they had taken it out of the house. My son's girlfriend said she would take it to her house, she lives in the same apartment complex as us. But this morning I went to turn my son's light out in his room after he left for work and there it was sitting on his dresser. What should I do? I don't want to make them uncomfortable here, and I don't want to be mean, but I need a safe place to be. On the other hand, alcohol is everywhere, maybe I'm being selfish?
Please let me know what you think... Love and hugs to all.

[CarolD]

Tough call Karen
I haave had no personal experience with this as I live alone.

The final paragraph on page 43 in the BB comes to my mind.
As you said...

in the end this is between me and God. That was a good thing for me to know!

Hugs

[michski]

Originally Posted by KarenOskie

What should I do? I don't want to make them uncomfortable here, and I don't want to be mean, but I need a safe place to be. On the other hand, alcohol is everywhere, maybe I'm being selfish?
Please let me know what you think... Love and hugs to all.

(((( karen ))))

So glad to read your post and know you're still doing well. I don't think it's asking too much to NOT have a drop of booze in your house for 3-5 months!!! Probably like a lot of (especially) male family members they don't understand your battle and how serious booze is depressing you. Yeah, there is gonna be booze in your life but it doesn't have to be on your counter in your house. It's not being mean it's making a good choice for yourself! Taking care of yourself means making good choices for YOU! So, tell those kids that Mom needs some support in this life saving decision she's made!!!

[StrongR2Day]

There is nothing mean about having a sober house, it's practicing positive self-care, something we aren't very good at while we are actively using.

We are very vulnerable in early recovery, which is why you hear it said that you need to change your playmates and playground. If you have a weak moment, and your house is dry, at least you have the time it takes to go to the store to think the whole thing through. If it's right in front of your face, you don't have that buffer.

Do you have plans for the weekend? Try to do something fun, keep it positive and upbeat.

You're doing great!

[laurie6781]

You know Karen IT IS YOUR HOUSE. In your house, they live by your rules. Thus a simple boundary THERE WILL BE NO ALCOHOL OR DRUGS IN THIS HOUSE is yours to give.

If they want to argue, don't say a word, just point to the front door. They are adults, they need to understand and learn there are BOUNDARIES in life, and if they want to continue to live with Mom, then...........no alcohol and drugs in the house.

Sweetie you have my phone number, you could have called and I would have called you back as I have very CHEAP long distance, lol. In case you misplaced it I will PM it to you again. Call any time...............

Love and hugs,

[jlo34]

My house is an alcohol and drug free home.

My house, my rules. Course, my kids are 9 and 4. My hubby chooses not to drink (since we've been together). Amazing, I actually married a "social drinker" who respects me enough to choose not to drink.

Today, I feel I've earned and deserve that respect. Selfish, mean...it comes down to alcoholism is a life and death disease...I don't want to die today and part of that is by not immersing myself with alcohol. I deserve to live in an alcohol free home.

Jen