Help--ran into another mom at a meeting and don't know what to do

[scootinbabe]

okay...i know that these are all about anonymousity etc. but....

at saturday's meeting, one of the other meeting attendees was a woman whose children go to my kids' school (which is a small private one). she also worked a little bit with my husband years ago. i really don't know her, but certainly recognized her, as she did me.

it was really weird.

this is the first time this has happened to me. i purposely go out of my way to meetings so that i don't run into people i know--i live in a suburb where everyone knows everyone. i am involved in a number of community activities and organizations and really don't want my family compromised...

can i trust her not to say anything? should i approach her to talk? i'm a little nervous/scared/weirded out by this.

this particular meeting i've established as my home group and--the five weeks that i've attended--she's not been there. (although she didn't say anything at the beginning of the meeting where you are asked to introduce yourself if you are new.)

HELP!!!

advice please

[laurie6781]

Hey Scoob she is there for the same reason you are. Relax.

Just remember, anyone you run into at a meeting is in the same boat you are. If you see her again put a big smile on your face and greet her with a "Hi how are you doing?" and let it go from there. She will be just as aprehensive as you are, and that will relax both of you, sort of 'break the ice' so to speak, lol.

It's okay really, there are a LOT MORE OF US than you know or realize. You will be amazed, as time goes on, who you will find out has the same problems you do.

It's ok. Relax.

PM me if you need to, or call me and i'll call you back.

Love and hugs,

[atalose]

I would imagine she is feeling just as weird as you. I'm sure she is also thinking of her own anonymousity and her own family being compromised. I'd let it go, see if she shows up again at your home group and take it for what it is, she's also recovering. If she doesn't show up and you happen to run into her some where else (like school), know that you are both on the same playing field and act as you always have.

[CarolD]

I doubt she was there for the coffee.

If you see her again..I would just say Hi and smile.
She may be just as concerned about you!

What would be the very worse thing to happen..
She tells she saw you in a meeting?
Then ??? You are disgraced? How?

What if she saw you drunk?

This may be a bond between the 2 of you.

Pray for peace of mind.

[miss communicat]

It may turn out much more positively than you can even imagine. Maybe you will become friends. I used to always assume the worst myself, and was suspicious of people I'd meet in the rooms, but, honestly. They are there because THEY too have a desire to stop drinking. It made me rethink the stigma that I (nobody else) attached to AA, alcoholism and recovery. Like that I had been "bad".

Love yourself alot, and let the worries go now~~~~

[2dayzmuse]

I agree with the others, don't worry about it.

[CarolD]

Will this be true for you?
I don't know but I do want to share my experience..

Anonymity.

My first AA group was in Washington D.C.
I was there for 8 years.
We had several members of the Presidential staff.
We had members of the U.S. Congress..
we had Catholic priests and nuns.
We had professors and authors,
We had doctors... lawyers... the homeless and me...a waitress,
We had members from the Washington Post newspaper.

Not once did a leak occur over any members anonymity
that I knew of in the years I was there.

Hugs

[BigSis]

She probably drove CLEAR out of her way in order to find a meeting where nobody knows her... and look what happened!

I agree - a big reassuring smile from you would go far to ease her discomfort.

[Little Missy]

Good thing to talk to your new sponsor about!! Share your thoughts and concerns as you did here.

I certainly don't shout, "I'm an alcoholic" to the world, but if you end up in the same place (AA meeting) you're there for the same reason. Maybe this is just a way to show you, you are not alone.

Would you have suspected this of her? Maybe that is what she was thinking about you? Umm, who would have thought...

All is good, just keep going to the meetings!!

[livefortoday]

Hi again scoot,
I remember saying to my psychologist when she said that I would need to go to meetings "'I can't go there, I might see someone I know!" Duuuuhhhh! it only took me about two years sober to figure out what was wroong with this statement. In the meantime, i was thinking just tonight how nice it would be to have a friend my age, with kids my sons age, that I could talk with and ahve as a hang out type of girlfriend. What a gift this could be! My son goes to a small private school and since he just started first grade i am feeling threatened and insecure by the shear newness of it all and a friend to walk through that with would be fabulous! Maybe it is a gift from your HP to have someone to hang out with at PTA meetings, look at the bright side. Being positive is a big part of recovery for me today! tk

[fraankie]

i went to a meeting
sat pretty much up front
and
the chairperson introduced the speaker
like, lo and, like, behold
who was it but
jack (name changed)
and
he qualified
and
he was a guy i worked with back in 1991

i had those reservations, too
but
i was glad to see him there
anyway, a few more chance meetings
and
at a one night retreat
(supper, meeting, mass)
i saw him again

anyway, to make a long story longer
i went over to him
shook his hand
and
said "glad to see you here"
that was it
now, if i see him
i shake his hand, say hello, a bit small program talk

it's nice
keep it simple

you are at the meeting for you
she is at the meeting for she

there is no obligation to do anything more than make a meeting
if she raises her hand and asks for hel
you can reach out
etc

i'm sure she
and you
have other things to do
than gossip about who is at a meeting
for starts
who really wants to know?

best
fraankie

[Chy]

Originally Posted by scootinbabe

i purposely go out of my way to meetings so that i don't run into people i know--:

...and their there anyway right?

Karma dear girl, karma... DO not sweat it!

[TheGirlInside]

We repeat at my home group every meeting: "What you see here, who you see here, let it stay here."

That was one of my biggest fears before attending a meeting...What if I know someone?? What if someone knows me?? As it turnned out, a couple people I didn't know knew me, and were kind and I've never had an issue...I was so concerned, since I was a real estate agent and had ads with my picture in them in all the local papers...no sweat.

Some of them had been in the papers, and all the local gossip had gone around, so as I've gotten to know them, I realized they were fearing the same thing...what if she's heard of me and my shenanigans?

No Sweat

[daydream]

If she says you were there, isn't she admitting that she was there?

[BuDoc]

"What you see here, who you see here, let it stay here." Remember, anonymity (sp?) is the spiritual foundation of the program. She was there for the same reason you were most likely... Your HP may have just been letting you aren't alone in your struggles, there are others like you out there. Perhaps it wasn't a coincidence but meant to be. Don't let pride and fear interfere with your recovery.

Hang loose, Doc.

[fraankie]

i used to do the same thing
go out of the way to meetings
so i don't see anyone i know
and
like, lo and like, behold
everyone in my 'hood
did the same thing
then
it was cool to run into people in the hood
who went to Aa
it was like a little meeting on the street

hey
think about this
obviously
this is a feeling of fear
my sponsor used to say
feelings are not facts
so
as in "mortal kombat"
face your worst fear

go right up to whoever it is
head high
and
introduce yourself
even give your phone number
once done
you will have once less fear
and
will be able to say
"i did it"

it will make your stronger


best
fraankie

[WEE DEE]

Scootinbabe

Same sort of thing happened to me about a year ago. I turned up at my group meeting and there was a girl in the meeting who I used to go to school with.

I had always been so jealous of her at school as she was Miss Popular and seemed the most confident, liked and together person I'd every seen. I so wanted to be like her even thought I resented her to bits.

Well I got my wish. We're both the same - ALCOHOLICS.

Plus we have become really good friends.

The other lady is probably feeling the same fears you are. Make a move and talk to her the next time you see her.

Take care.
D.xxxx

[Stoic]

It's happened to me twice over the last 25 years, and I live in a small town. The first meeting I ever attended, I ran into a fellow runner. He said, "What are you doing here?!" I said the same thing to him, and we both laughed. But I didn't go to another AA meeting for five years.

Two years ago, when I'd just started going to meetings again, I ran into a student I'd had several years earlier. She was absolutely astounded that I had a problem -- as most people who know me would be. But she and I still go to the same small AA meeting, and we've both discussed how nice it is to have each other there -- someone who knows you in your "other life."

You might find the same thing with this person. Just take it a day at a time, and see what happens. It might prove to be a real blessing.

[BuDoc]

Well, I guess I can join the club... I went to a meeting last night and who was there but a coworker! I was glad to see him, and obviously he was happy to see a familiar face to whom he could relate. Other than our work, and disease we would have nothing in common, but now we are like Brothers in a spiritual fellowship.

Hang loose, Doc.

[jmhs002]

You are both there for the same reason - you want to be sober. Funny how this program works sometimes. Hope it does not keep you from going back to meetings.
JMHS

[scootinbabe]

No--I'm still going. Though I haven't seen her again at a meeting. I have seen her at school picking up her kids and we avoided each other. I will probably say hello if I get a chance. It's still awkward.

[justanothrdrunk]

There are no guarantees of anonymity except at the level of press, radio, and film. At least, that's what is said in the traditions of AA.

Theoretically, she could run out and tell everyone she sees that she knows you go to AA, and she wouldn't be violating the rules. Granted, that's pretty dang rude, but verbal notification isn't at the level of press, media, or film.

Personally, I would be grateful if I saw someone I already knew at one of my meetings, particularly a coworker. I isolate, so the more opportunities I have to reach out to others is a good thing for me. But that's me.

And I don't understand the stigma with alcoholism, addiction, or other behavioral health issues. It's a disease, just like cancer or eczema. Most don't try to hide those things. I suppose some do. We all have our private matters. But I don't get it.

My coworkers know I'm a drunk. Both times I was in rehab they knew exactly where I was and why I was there. But that's me.

[WEE DEE]

Glad to hear you still made the meeting Scootinbabe - you did the right thing.
The other lady may well need you in the future - who knows.

Take care.
D.xxx

[Abbadun]

Hi

When I first started going to meetings I thought of going to a town about 18 miles away and then realized that it was not possible. I did not want anyone to see me going to a meeting.

Next I pick out a secluded Meeting out in the woods, which is my present Home Group and the closest meeting to my house.

Well when I got there 4 of my neighbors from my short street were there 2 are close neighbors and I never new they were in AA

Abbadun

Originally Posted by WEE DEE

Glad to hear you still made the meeting Scootinbabe - you did the right thing.
The other lady may well need you in the future - who knows.

Take care.
D.xxx