Am I alcoholic?

[Anthony100]

Sorry - I Deleted This, But Have Reposted It Below

[Kellye C]

Hi and welcome. Only you can decide if you are alcoholic or not.

I will say this. I am an alcoholic. I drank alcoholically for 3.5 years. I almost died in the process due to how quickly it progressed. Reading your post, I could have written it. I was able to pretty much keep my cool in public too but I would go home and finish the job. As long as I knew I had my stash waiting for me I could be ok in public. Like you, if I didn't have it, I would get fidgety before the liquor store closed and would invent an excuse to either leave early or leave, grab a bottle and come back where I could then relax. This was the obsession that is talked about. I was powerless because no matter what the consequences of the drinking were, no matter how many hangovers and how horrible I felt, the next evening I was doing the same thing again.

Hang out here and read the stickies on this and other forums. See what looks true to your own experiences. Look for the similarities, not the differences. Check out a few more meetings with the same mindset. If you stay openminded you will probably get the answer you seek. If not, they tell us if we are not sure to go out and do some CONTROLLED drinking (which means drink 1 and then stop). I know for me I couldn't do that. 1 is too many and 1,000 are not enough. But I knew going in that I was whipped. I just needed to find a way out of hell. I did.

Glad you're here!
Hugs,
Kellye

[Kellye C]

Well, crap! Never responded to a post as it was being deleted! I hope the writer will still read and stick around!

Kellye

[historyteach]

I hope he comes back and knows that he is safe here. There's support and concern for his well being.

Thanks for your answer, Kellye D. Nice job!

Shalom!

[aasharon90]

I was about to read the post here and saw it was deleted...hmmmm what happened? I too hope they return. Thanks.

[Anthony100]

Prior to joining AA nearly two months ago, I had been drinking almost every evening for the past 8 years. It started off with just a few drinks a night and over the years got progressively worse to the point that I was binge drinking. I would buy what I thought would be enough alcohol to get me through the evening, only to find I was rushing out for more supplies before the shop closed.
I tried to cut down or stop on numerous occasions and only succeeded for a couple of days until the urge to drink came back again.
In the last couple of years of my drinking, I found I was drinking more quickly than I used to and experienced black outs on a more frequent basis. Sometimes the black outs would start earlier during a drinking session. I also found that on some days, I was drinking earlier in the evening and as early as lunchtime at holidays and weekends.
Because most of my drinking took place alone at home, many of my family and friends were unaware that I had a problem. Many of them I would drink with socially at their homes or at the pub where I seemed to have control over my drinking. As long as I had a supply of alcohol available when I returned home, I was able to relax. Otherwise, I would be watching the clock and making excuses to leave early so I could get to the shop before closing time. Either that or I would be secretly worried about where I could get another drink. I would be preoccupied with how much wine was left in the bottle or when last orders were called out at the bar. If no more alcohol was available for me when I wanted it, I would feel anxious and frustrated.
Some of my friends were very surprised that I decided to join AA. They insist, even today, that I cannot be an alcoholic because it appeared to them that I was able to control my drinking.
It has often been said in AA that an alcoholic loses control after taking the first drink. Whilst it is obvious to me that I had lost control of my drinking when alone at home, it does not always seem to have been the case when drinking with family and friends. The craving/preoccupation with alcohol was certainly there, but not (as I see it) a complete lack of control.
Whilst AA membership is open to anyone who has a desire to stop drinking, the 12 step programme, which I have been encouraged to work through with a sponsor, requires an admission of total powerlessness over alcohol - ie. an alcoholic who has lost total control over their drinking. Whilst I have no problem with identifying myself as an alcoholic and wish to remain sober (I have been so for nearly a month now), I need to know whether I am truly an alcoholic before committing myself to the 12 step programme.
Sorry that I haven’t explained this as well as I could, but I would be grateful for your insight and comments. Thank you.

[Anthony100]

Sorry for deleting the message earlier! Wasn't too happy with the way I explained it, but have now reposted again.

[Carol87]

Oh My! Your story sounds way too familiar ... I also had mega questions !! Here is my story ... I failed to mention that someone suggested I try controlled drinking ... I laughed out loud ... I KNOW that is not an option. I'll try to post more later ... just too brain dead tonight ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l87-story.html (Carol87 Story)

[Kellye C]

Anthony, I am so glad you reposted. I hope you stick around. As historyteach said, you are safe here. You are among people who understand regardless of whether you determine that you're alcoholic or you stay unsure. We have all been the newcomer seeking answers.

Hugs,
Kellye

[Baritone]

Hi Anthony and Welcome!

After 5 years in AA i am learning to let go of trying to decide if i'm a real alcoholic or not. Heck, after hearing "identify don't compare" all these years, i've given up even trying to force myself to identify with others - they have their stories, i have mine. Like you, i could control my drinking when i needed to, like in public situations, but the obsession with alcohol was always there. Though i can't in all honesty admit to the sort of powerlessness over alcohol described in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, i qualify for AA membership because i have the desire to stay sober and free from the tyranny of alcohol. And that's what keeps me going to meetings and talking to others.

- Jim

[Sheryl85]

Anthony, my family and friends were surprised by my admission as well. In fact, my boss was surprised, which surprised me in turn since he already had several years in AA himself. (I always thought that it takes one to know one… goes to show how well I was at “maintaining” around folks.) But, it was true. I was having blackouts and that phenomenon of craving was present… as well as a bunch of other things they described in the Big Book. I was getting drunk when I hadn’t intended to. And although I didn’t get into trouble every time I drank, every time I did get in trouble, I have to admit that I had been drinking.

True too is the fact that I am an alcoholic when I admit that I am. No one else can do that because it would be useless to me even if they did. I have to believe it for myself. I can suspicion it. I can deny it, but this thing only works when I admit that I have a problem and become willing to do something about it.

It’s funny how certain things happen in life, my family tried to talk me out of going to AA and told me that they really didn’t think I was an alcoholic. Thank God I had already had that moment of clarity that comes when a person hits that coldest, darkest, loneliest place and the realization sinks in that “I’ve got a problem.” So, what I ended up telling them was, “Don’t tell me that I’m not an alcoholic. When you do you endanger my life because I just might believe you.”

If you feel that your drinking has caused you problems in any area of your life then you probably qualify for this program. But you are the only one who can make that determination for sure.

Good luck and God bless you.

[Irish Virus]

Originally Posted by Anthony100

I need to know whether I am truly an alcoholic before committing myself to the 12 step programme.

No you don't. The program in my opinion is more about striving to live a
better life and improving ourselves than about putting down the bottle.
The program is a guide to living meant to increase our spirituality which in
turn fosters a better relationship with the God of our understanding. That's the way I see it.

As far as the first step goes, and admitting that you are powerless over alcohol, only you can decide that for sure. In my opinion though , from what you have wrote, you are swimming in the sea of alcoholism but have yet not started drowning. You don't need to hit rock bottom in order to find out if you are truly an alcoholic.

I myself wonder sometimes if I am truly an alcoholic. The only way for me
to know 100% that I am an alcoholic is to go back drinking again. Maybe I
can handle it this time. Maybe I was just a heavy drinker. Now that I have my head on somewhat straight, possibly I can drink normal again.

All I know is alcohol kicked my a$$ and I was licked. I kept on getting back in the ring and finally I got knocked out cold. I don't want to fight him again.

I think you realize that alcohol is a pretty tough guy already and he might
kick the hell out of you too. Throw in the towel before they carry you out of the ring on a stretcher. Remember, this disease is progressive and it only gets worse.

Good luck and God Bless.

[jmhs002]

Does it matter? For me, I know that I am an alcoholic, and actually when I came to admit it - it came as a relief. Whether or not you are an alcoholic does not really matter at this point. If you want to stop drinking there is help - AA has helped me tremendously, and I would encourage you to try it, but if it is not for you, then find another program. Sobriety can be a nice way to live. Stick around!
JMHS

[CarolD]

Hi and Welcome!..

For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...

"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"

they are carried by Amazon
I am not sure if you can find them in UK bookstores.

On page 119 in "Under" blackouts are
explained to be a sign of middle stage alcoholism.

Congratulations on your sober time!

[Anthony100]

Thanks to all of you for your posts - I have found them very helpful.
I have been in AA for around 2 months. It was difficult stopping drinking at first, and I had one or two ‘slips’ along the way, but I have managed to stop for nearly a month now and I am starting to feel much better for it. I have met some great people along the way who have been very encouraging and supportive.
Thanks again for your encouragement.

[Little Missy]

Welcome to SR. Glad you are here.

My answer is short and sweet. "Normal/Social" drinkers, don't usually ask if they are alcoholics. I never realized that before.

[jimhere]

Anthony,
Two questions you can ask yourself-When you put alcohol into your system do you experience a loss of control of the amount you will drink? Can you predict the outcome? The second question is can you stop or moderate for any reason? Or do you drink no matter what, even if you know that your past experience shows you that you have little or no control over what happens when you drink?

As for knowing whether you are alcoholic before you committ to taking the steps, I wasn't real sure when I first started working with my first sponsor. In fact he helped me to determine for myself by looking at the Doctor's Opinion plus the first three chapters in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous. If you haven't read those chapters I would suggest you do so. The questions above are based on what you'll read.

I do feel the need to clarify something. AA membership is limited to alcoholics with a desire to stop drinking. But, based on the questions above, only you yourself can determine whether you are alcoholic.

Feel free to private message me with any questions you may have.
Regards,
Jim

[scootinbabe]

only you can tell if you are or not an alcoholic. if you are not sure now, time will tell.

keep coming back regardless. this is a great place and a safe place.

welcome

[Anthony100]

Hi Jim,

Thanks for your post. I will try and answer your questions.

When you put alcohol into your system do you experience a loss of control of the amount you will drink?

It depends. I could control my drinking for short periods in certain circumstances, such as work lunches or with friends, as long as I had an ample supply of alcohol waiting for me back at home later. If I had none, then my mind would be obsessed with planning a trip to the off-licence to make sure I had enough supplies to continue drinking when I got home. If I could get none, then I would feel very restless and uncomfortable.

I am not a regular partygoer, but I attended two weddings over the past year where I drank excessively and cannot remember what happened later in the evening.

But it was at home, where I was alone, I had the biggest problem trying to control my drinking. I often tried to limit my drinking to a couple of glasses, but nearly always ended up drinking much more than I planned to. On many occasions, I bought what I thought would be enough alcohol to last me the evening, but this was usually drunk much more quickly than I expected and then I would be desperate for more.

Can you predict the outcome?

Generally speaking, yes. I knew from an early stage that I could not limit my drinking to just one or two and that every evening I drank at home, I would end up drunk or in a blackout. My blackout experiences were at times quite frightening, but I could not do anything to stop them.

Can you stop or moderate for any reason?

I could stop or moderate my drinking in situations where I was forced to, but for only brief periods of time - such as a work lunch, times when I was on prescribed medication (even then, I would still take alcohol if I felt I could handle it). There have been times when I planned to cut down on my drinking or stop altogether, but I failed every time because the compulsion to drink was too strong.

So I think my answer to the question as to whether I could control my drinking is both yes and no. The vast majority of my drinking was done at home in secret and this was where I found I was losing control over it. However, there have been occasions where I could restrain my drinking for a time, particularly in social settings, but I would only feel comfortable doing it if I knew I could carry on with my drinking when I got home.

Thanks again for your post.

[jimhere]

Hi Anthony,
Glad I can help. Just let me stress that those questions are meant to help you find out to YOUR satisfaction whether or not you are alcoholic, not mine nor any one else's satisfaction. But it looks to me like you may qualify.

One other thing that a lot of people get stuck on is what I call the drama-in other words the consequences of taking the drink. Some people get in a lot of trouble, some just get drunk at home, blackout, and never get in any trouble like some of us do-the wrecked cars, jails, hospitals, things like that. My drama may be different than yours, but what we have in comon is an inability to control the amount we take when we start drinking and an inability to leave it alone when it becomes a necessity. I think the trouble that counts is the "inside trouble," guilt, remorse, self-pity, resentment, and general feeling of hopelessness. I sense that you may be experiencing some or all of that to some degree or you wouldn't be attending AA meetings and wondering whether you belong or not. Healthy well-adjusted people don't wander into AA and wonder whether they belong or not.

[justanothrdrunk]

Originally Posted by Anthony100

as long as I had an ample supply of alcohol waiting for me back at home later. If I had none, then my mind would be obsessed with planning a trip to the off-licence to make sure I had enough supplies to continue drinking when I got home. If I could get none, then I would feel very restless and uncomfortable.

To me, that says it all. I used to feel the exact same way.

If you can't stop at one, of your own volition and without any outside influence (whether it be situational, evironmental, or otherwise), then you are powerless IMHO. That's precisely what powerlessness is.

Welcome to the fold, brother.