HELP !!!! Need support !!! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

upanddownjj · 08-19-2006, 01:13 PM

I'm trying not to feel selfish...I am going thru a lot right now and need support myself...I have always felt responsible for taking care of others - minimizing my needs...
A perfect example is caring for my XBF who had a stroke 3 yrs ago...I lived with him and took care of him for the first 2 yrs...as I was trying to recover from 4 yrs of suicidal, in bed - depression..but I stayed sober by the grace of God..I am the only one he has (except for a sister who will not help- even when I begged for respite) finally I moved out a year ago..On the verge of cracking up - feeling very resentful of him.
Thinking maybe then she would jump in....nope - he deteriorated so much - that I had to start helping with medical things only again..

I have made progress in that way..but with his health deteriorating..seizures, serious sleep apnea (life threatening)...specialists appts 3-4 times a week...
By the way - He has had to relearn language and Speech - that is why I am involved - I am the only one who understands his "speech" and have fought for the best medical care for him - or he would have slipped thru the cracks...Every time I have backed away - he has deterioratede so much..There is so much more to this story - but I will get to the point !!

I have Depression and was supposed to start electroshock treatment yesterday because I have become unwell myself...He just cant see this (stroke related - I think)..I was supposed to have one yesterday - but it was deferr to next week..He didn't call yesterday..But has called this morning..AND I DON'T WANT TO CALL BACK - I DON'T CARE IF HE HAS HAD A SEIZURE - I am ssoooooooooo tired - I need Janni time...Even knowing he is waiting for a callback from me is sucking the energy from me...I really think this is part of the reason I am isolating..saving up my energy to use with him....
I am trapped tho - I sold his condo for free & helped him buy a smaller more manageable one for free ( would have made 30-40K) in Apr...Now I am broke & he has been paying my bills for me - he is freaking out that I can't work to pay him back right now - doesn't put a value on what I have done for him- I am feeling trapped that I can't work and having trouble truning it all over to God - I am in Fear..I am Praying these treaments will snap me out of this depression so that I can function and get back on a healthy path..I know God has a plan...So All I can do is wait....
But I don't want to call him back today..or anyone else....
I feel guilty about that...I only want to stay here and do as many on-line meetings as I can....Sorry I'm so long winded, but had to get this off my chest..I need support today !!!!!!

.....Janni

paulmh · 08-19-2006, 01:19 PM

Janni I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I'm thinking of you, and your situation.

Much love

Paul

**CarolD** · 08-19-2006, 01:27 PM

Hugs and Prayers...

I am soo sorry for this situation, but you must
not fall into disfunction because of anothers needs.

michski · 08-19-2006, 01:30 PM

You've got to take care of yourself or there will be no YOU to take care of others. I turned into a fall down suicidal bi&tch taking care of my Dad without respite. No one would help me.. only I knew the medicines.. only I.. only I ... only I almost died. Now 6 years later I can tell you that there was absolutely NO way to feel good about that situation. There are no correct ways to do any of it. Just do what you can and try as hard as you can to hold it all together and NOT go nuts behind it all.

**51anna** · 08-19-2006, 01:35 PM

Janni,

Hang on and know that you are taking care of yourself and doing the right thing. You need to take time for a little while to look after you. You don't need to buy into his needs and give up your own.

I read your threads yesterday in Mental Health and I know how very stressful that was for you. The on again, off again thing with your appointment was difficult. Just chill and go easy on yourself.

Zoro · 08-19-2006, 01:39 PM

Janni
you certainly are in a very tight spot, with all the elements draining you.
MAKE Janni time. Your sleep recently has been very disrupted, give time for God's keel to roll you back upright. And remember your furry friend may want to take YOU out for a walk on the beach.
Send all those dishes to me...I'll washem for ya ok

**BigSis** · 08-19-2006, 01:40 PM

If you really believe he is in danger - call 911 and report it. And if he calls, you can tell him that you will do that. That sounds like a reasonable choice, to me.

Can you call the 911 folks to have him checked on, then leave your house for a while? Perhaps get a hotel and just sit in the quiet and soak up the peace?

Just for a day.

You may not be able to force him to see the value of your help (if I were him, I would be terrified of owing anyone anything!), but you might consider writing up an invoice that shows the monetary value of all you have provided, minus what he has given you with a balance of ZERO.

Then let him know you are stepping away and give him (or the family) the list of resource numbers they can call.

You don't have to be his savior. His life will be more uncomfortable... at first. But eventually, another caregiver may learn to understand his speech, too.... after all, if you could do it, can't someone else also?

((((upandopwnjj))))

Little Missy · 08-19-2006, 01:42 PM

Big Hugs to you!! We have to take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give to others. I'm sorry for your situation.

Prayers for you,
Missy

upanddownjj · 08-19-2006, 01:42 PM

Thanks all - I know the "next right thing" is all I can do - and a lot of caring people just tell me to get out...He doesn't have a will and won't write one 'cause he thinks it will "jinx" him...Sooooooooo if/when he dies...His sister will be his "heir" - I probably could fight that - since all the doctors know what I have been doing..but I don't have theenergy and that is not why I do it - I do "love" him as a "sister now" - but I don't believe anyone should be abandonded..He is such a kind and wonderful person and wouldn't hurt a fly..his stroke has affected his logic tho..
I think that is why others say I should walk away..because of the will thing....I am doing this fm my heart - not for financial reasons - I can't be that cold.

Grasshopper · 08-19-2006, 01:48 PM

Hugs and prayers.

laurie6781 · 08-19-2006, 06:28 PM

Well Janni let me just ask you this.......if you get sick and end up hospitalized you will not be able to help him, yourself or anyone else.

You need to back off, get professionals in there to help him. You know one thing I learned very well early in sobriety is the priority list.

HP first.

Then myself.

Then those around me in order of importance to me.

I did private home care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated for over 13 years before health issues forced me to stop working. It can be and is a very draining responsibility. With your depression issues right now, you REALLY NEED TO DISCUSS THIS IN DEPTH with your therapist.

Your caring for him is in all likelihood adding to your depression at this time.

No reason to feel guilty Janni. You are a very kind and caring human being. You have done more than most would do, as evidenced by his sister. Please get some professional help in there for him, and you back off.

I know with the help of your therapist you can get through this as you have gotten through everything else. Please take some very important "Me Time" for you.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!!!!

Love and hugs,

aasharon90 · 08-19-2006, 07:00 PM

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong. Love and care.

livefortoday · 08-19-2006, 07:14 PM

:sweat Janni,
It seems to me like you need some time totake care of you right now. When I first got sober nothing could make me feel more guilty then someone needing help and I, for one reaon or another couldn't give it, whether it was physical, mental or spiritual. It took four bouts of Bronchitis in a year for God to get it thorugh to me that I needed to take care of me first and then BALANCE all else in my life (me includes God and my sobriety of cours!). I still feel a little guilty sometimes when I say no, but my spiritual, physical and emotional health is better for it. My sponsor also likes to point out that this gives others an opportunity to serve as well. You know, if you took a break to get back on your own feet, you might (might, mind you, I can't tell the future anymore than you can!) find that his life is blessed in that others will come into his world offering him a new perspective, hope and balance as well! Take care of you. Love, tk

jlo34 · 08-20-2006, 05:43 PM

Janni,
Bless you for what you are doing and the reasons you are doing it. That being said....you don't have to be super woman. You do NEED to care for yourself. I have no idea how long you have been sober...but an issue like this, if I brought it to one of my sponsors she would tell me to do a "mini" 4th step on it. That really helps a lot and puts things in perspective.

Praying that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and follow it...
Jen

By the way, if you feel that what you are doing is adding to your depression; what good are you going to be for him when you become so depressed you consider suicide? or relapse?

**historyteach** · 08-20-2006, 05:51 PM

(((Janni)))
Maybe alanon/naranon would be a good place for you to learn some self care?
And there's an excellent book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I highly recomend it for you.
Please do take care of yourself. You are worth it.

Shalom!

08-19-2006, 01:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
upanddownjj One Day At A Time Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: West Vancouver, BC Posts: 412	HELP !!!! Need support !!! I'm trying not to feel selfish...I am going thru a lot right now and need support myself...I have always felt responsible for taking care of others - minimizing my needs... A perfect example is caring for my XBF who had a stroke 3 yrs ago...I lived with him and took care of him for the first 2 yrs...as I was trying to recover from 4 yrs of suicidal, in bed - depression..but I stayed sober by the grace of God..I am the only one he has (except for a sister who will not help- even when I begged for respite) finally I moved out a year ago..On the verge of cracking up - feeling very resentful of him. Thinking maybe then she would jump in....nope - he deteriorated so much - that I had to start helping with medical things only again.. I have made progress in that way..but with his health deteriorating..seizures, serious sleep apnea (life threatening)...specialists appts 3-4 times a week... By the way - He has had to relearn language and Speech - that is why I am involved - I am the only one who understands his "speech" and have fought for the best medical care for him - or he would have slipped thru the cracks...Every time I have backed away - he has deterioratede so much..There is so much more to this story - but I will get to the point !! I have Depression and was supposed to start electroshock treatment yesterday because I have become unwell myself...He just cant see this (stroke related - I think)..I was supposed to have one yesterday - but it was deferr to next week..He didn't call yesterday..But has called this morning..AND I DON'T WANT TO CALL BACK - I DON'T CARE IF HE HAS HAD A SEIZURE - I am ssoooooooooo tired - I need Janni time...Even knowing he is waiting for a callback from me is sucking the energy from me...I really think this is part of the reason I am isolating..saving up my energy to use with him.... I am trapped tho - I sold his condo for free & helped him buy a smaller more manageable one for free ( would have made 30-40K) in Apr...Now I am broke & he has been paying my bills for me - he is freaking out that I can't work to pay him back right now - doesn't put a value on what I have done for him- I am feeling trapped that I can't work and having trouble truning it all over to God - I am in Fear..I am Praying these treaments will snap me out of this depression so that I can function and get back on a healthy path..I know God has a plan...So All I can do is wait.... But I don't want to call him back today..or anyone else.... I feel guilty about that...I only want to stay here and do as many on-line meetings as I can....Sorry I'm so long winded, but had to get this off my chest..I need support today !!!!!! .....Janni __________________ Honest, Openminded & Willing IT WORKS !! (Ch 5 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

08-19-2006, 01:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
paulmh Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: UK Posts: 1,077	Janni I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I'm thinking of you, and your situation. Much love Paul __________________ It all works. It IS simple Miss C

08-19-2006, 01:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 16,037	Hugs and Prayers... I am soo sorry for this situation, but you must not fall into disfunction because of anothers needs. __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

08-19-2006, 01:30 PM	#4 (permalink)
michski Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: California Posts: 977	You've got to take care of yourself or there will be no YOU to take care of others. I turned into a fall down suicidal bi&tch taking care of my Dad without respite. No one would help me.. only I knew the medicines.. only I.. only I ... only I almost died. Now 6 years later I can tell you that there was absolutely NO way to feel good about that situation. There are no correct ways to do any of it. Just do what you can and try as hard as you can to hold it all together and NOT go nuts behind it all. __________________ Fake it til you make it!

08-19-2006, 01:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,488	Janni, Hang on and know that you are taking care of yourself and doing the right thing. You need to take time for a little while to look after you. You don't need to buy into his needs and give up your own. I read your threads yesterday in Mental Health and I know how very stressful that was for you. The on again, off again thing with your appointment was difficult. Just chill and go easy on yourself. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

08-19-2006, 01:39 PM	#6 (permalink)
Zoro Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 154	Janni you certainly are in a very tight spot, with all the elements draining you. MAKE Janni time. Your sleep recently has been very disrupted, give time for God's keel to roll you back upright. And remember your furry friend may want to take YOU out for a walk on the beach. Send all those dishes to me...I'll washem for ya ok __________________ Zoro "At last the sun is shining, The clouds of blue roll by, With flames from the dragon of darkness, the sunlight blinds his eyes." - The Battle of Evermore, Led Zeppelin

08-19-2006, 01:40 PM	#7 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,157	If you really believe he is in danger - call 911 and report it. And if he calls, you can tell him that you will do that. That sounds like a reasonable choice, to me. Can you call the 911 folks to have him checked on, then leave your house for a while? Perhaps get a hotel and just sit in the quiet and soak up the peace? Just for a day. You may not be able to force him to see the value of your help (if I were him, I would be terrified of owing anyone anything!), but you might consider writing up an invoice that shows the monetary value of all you have provided, minus what he has given you with a balance of ZERO. Then let him know you are stepping away and give him (or the family) the list of resource numbers they can call. You don't have to be his savior. His life will be more uncomfortable... at first. But eventually, another caregiver may learn to understand his speech, too.... after all, if you could do it, can't someone else also? ((((upandopwnjj)))) __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

08-19-2006, 01:42 PM	#8 (permalink)
Little Missy NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know! Posts: 1,831	Big Hugs to you!! We have to take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give to others. I'm sorry for your situation. Prayers for you, Missy __________________ May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

08-19-2006, 01:42 PM	#9 (permalink)
upanddownjj One Day At A Time Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: West Vancouver, BC Posts: 412	Thanks all - I know the "next right thing" is all I can do - and a lot of caring people just tell me to get out...He doesn't have a will and won't write one 'cause he thinks it will "jinx" him...Sooooooooo if/when he dies...His sister will be his "heir" - I probably could fight that - since all the doctors know what I have been doing..but I don't have theenergy and that is not why I do it - I do "love" him as a "sister now" - but I don't believe anyone should be abandonded..He is such a kind and wonderful person and wouldn't hurt a fly..his stroke has affected his logic tho.. I think that is why others say I should walk away..because of the will thing....I am doing this fm my heart - not for financial reasons - I can't be that cold. __________________ Honest, Openminded & Willing IT WORKS !! (Ch 5 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

08-19-2006, 01:48 PM	#10 (permalink)
Grasshopper Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Green,green grass of home Posts: 602	Hugs and prayers.

08-19-2006, 06:28 PM	#11 (permalink)
laurie6781 Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: New Mexico Posts: 1,928	Well Janni let me just ask you this.......if you get sick and end up hospitalized you will not be able to help him, yourself or anyone else. You need to back off, get professionals in there to help him. You know one thing I learned very well early in sobriety is the priority list. HP first. Then myself. Then those around me in order of importance to me. I did private home care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated for over 13 years before health issues forced me to stop working. It can be and is a very draining responsibility. With your depression issues right now, you REALLY NEED TO DISCUSS THIS IN DEPTH with your therapist. Your caring for him is in all likelihood adding to your depression at this time. No reason to feel guilty Janni. You are a very kind and caring human being. You have done more than most would do, as evidenced by his sister. Please get some professional help in there for him, and you back off. I know with the help of your therapist you can get through this as you have gotten through everything else. Please take some very important "Me Time" for you. J M H O Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!!!! Love and hugs, __________________ God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)

08-19-2006, 07:00 PM	#12 (permalink)
aasharon90 Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Baton Rouge, La. Posts: 2,749	You're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong. Love and care. __________________ "A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED" SHARON M. Baton Rouge, La. 8-11-90 "Made A Decision To Turn My Will And Life Over To The Care Of God As I Understand Him."

08-19-2006, 07:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
livefortoday Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Hilton Head, South Carolina Posts: 37	:sweat Janni, It seems to me like you need some time totake care of you right now. When I first got sober nothing could make me feel more guilty then someone needing help and I, for one reaon or another couldn't give it, whether it was physical, mental or spiritual. It took four bouts of Bronchitis in a year for God to get it thorugh to me that I needed to take care of me first and then BALANCE all else in my life (me includes God and my sobriety of cours!). I still feel a little guilty sometimes when I say no, but my spiritual, physical and emotional health is better for it. My sponsor also likes to point out that this gives others an opportunity to serve as well. You know, if you took a break to get back on your own feet, you might (might, mind you, I can't tell the future anymore than you can!) find that his life is blessed in that others will come into his world offering him a new perspective, hope and balance as well! Take care of you. Love, tk

08-20-2006, 05:43 PM	#14 (permalink)
jlo34 Grateful recovering alcoholic Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Blissfield, MI Posts: 816	Janni, Bless you for what you are doing and the reasons you are doing it. That being said....you don't have to be super woman. You do NEED to care for yourself. I have no idea how long you have been sober...but an issue like this, if I brought it to one of my sponsors she would tell me to do a "mini" 4th step on it. That really helps a lot and puts things in perspective. Praying that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and follow it... Jen By the way, if you feel that what you are doing is adding to your depression; what good are you going to be for him when you become so depressed you consider suicide? or relapse?

08-20-2006, 05:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 8,270	(((Janni))) Maybe alanon/naranon would be a good place for you to learn some self care? And there's an excellent book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I highly recomend it for you. Please do take care of yourself. You are worth it. Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

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