Working the Steps

[c'est la vie]

I'm a starting to work the steps and I thought it would be good for me to share "out loud" so I have something to look back on and so I have some accountability. Honesty with myself has been a huge problem and I think this will keep me honest. I would be so grateful for any feedback that you would like to share during my journey.

Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

When I came to AA in January I quickly got a sponsor and started working the steps thinking that I could get a quick fix and go back to normal drinking without all the negative baggage that I had accumulated over the years (big laugh, right). I wrote the story of my sad life and how my drinking got out of control. I could easily see the unmanageability of my recent drinking episodes.

I couldn't accept powerlessness. I had the power to drink or not drink. I had the power to leave AA behind. I had the power to control what and when I drank. Or so I thought. I spent 6 months trying to prove to myself how powerful I was. I hated myself and I actually worried that I would hurt myself because I was in so much mental agony.

I came back to AA with a completely different mindset. I was beaten and depressed. Alcohol had the power to eat away at my mind. The thought of alcohol knawed at my brain every moment of every day when I wasn't drinking, and the mental pain when it was in my body nearly killed me.

I am powerless over the physical and mental effects of alcohol when it is in my body, that's obvious. But, I am also powerless to prevent the thought of alcohol from entering my mind when I least expect it. I DO have the power to redirect that thought, diminish the thought, or take it all the way to the end.

[Phinneas]

Great thoughts, c'est la vie! Now how about the second half of Step One - ...that our lives had become unmanageable?

I just recently revisited this step and focused on the unmanageable part. I looked at all the things I can and can NOT control. It was a good eye opener.

Congrats on your sober path! Keep on trudging!

[Little Missy]

Good start ((c'est)) And good suggestion ((Phinny))

I was also powerless over alcohol because once I picked up a drink, I couldn't/didn't want to stop!! It consumed my thoughts always, when and what I could drink.

Keep up the good work!!

[collinsmi]

What did your sponsor have you do for the first step?

[REZ]

Good first part of the first step...For me, there is an irony in the 1st step: I get power by admitting a lack of power. I can only "control" my drinking by not drinking. Then minute I take a drink, I lose control.

[hector]

Thanks for sharing, c'est and everyone. Great idea.

My last drink was a sip of wine from a communion chalice in church. As soon as I sipped, I wanted to grab the chalice from the priest and chug the contents. I went back to my pew, knelt and took Step One then and there.

Then I immersed myself in AA completely. I thought if I'm that powerless and unmanageable, I better get this, NOW! What choice have I got? I was nervous in meetings. I looked at drunks as ornery fighters because most heavy drinkers I knew were just that. But I had no choice. Get with the Program or drink myself to death. So I stayed, I listened, I shared, I made spiritual progress. I still am. My last drink was Nov. 27, 1988. If I ever forget how it made me feel, it may not be my last drink. I love Step One meetings, always have, always will.

[Chance]

My name is Vic and I am a addict. Probably dang lucky to be here clean today that is for sure. You know that during my time I knew that I was powerless over the drugs (alcohol is a drug), but I never really believed that my life was unmanageable. That part of the step kept me so sick until this last time when I actually accepted the fact that my life was so unmanageable. I mean who could sell there entire business 4 times in a year and buy it back. How could that be so unmanageable

So until I truly believed that I could not find peace. But that isn't all of it either, Our disease is three fold, body, mind, and spirit. When we use the spirit is the first thing that goes, even before we use, however when we get back it says that we straighten out physically and mentally, once the spirit part is happening. So today I don't sit and think of using all of the time, it does happen once in a while, but the spiritual part is action also. Last night was a little rough on me yet I did the step that I was taught to do, and that in itself is spiritual. Good to see ya doing it.

I don't believe anymore that this is a program for people who want it, or needs it, this is a program for people who DO IT....

Love Vic

[c'est la vie]

Now how about the second half of Step One - ...that our lives had become unmanageable?

What did your sponsor have you do for the first step?

Thank you all for the feedback. This is great to ponder. I think my sponsor was a little nervous that I still wasn't serious and she really is taking me slow on step 1 this time. I can't even explain how absolutely different I feel. My mind just took an about-face.

She had me make a timeline with more specific examples of the insane things I did relating to drinking (nothing about relationships, emotions, childhood). She wanted me to see that over the years the obsession got worse. In addition to the crazy party things, I also started the bottle (and liquor store) rotation and keeping track of my "supply", I started driving with my kids in the car after waiting a certain amount of time (or checking my BAC), the things I was responsible for started getting done half-assed, I cancelled things I was supposed to do, I woke up wishing to stop the cycle and just fixed a drink because it was easier than fighting, I absolutely hated myself by the end. So anyway, she wanted me to see that I was losing control of my life, my decisions, my health, my sanity. It worked. It's crazy that I couldn't see it then. I'm made that I couldn't stop years ago.

At least I can see it now.

If I ever forget how it made me feel, it may not be my last drink.

I worry about this since, like childbirth, the further away it appears, the less disastrous it appears.

[hector]

I worry about this since, like childbirth, the further away it appears, the less disastrous it appears.

My point exactly! That's why I love Step 1 meetings. It's absolutely essential that I not forget why I quit. That's why I spend lots of time on the Newcomers board reading and posting.

[paulmh]

Yeah, mind that first step, it's a doozy..

lol! Glad it's switching on the light!

[collinsmi]

She had me make a timeline with more specific examples of the insane things I did relating to drinking (nothing about relationships, emotions, childhood). She wanted me to see that over the years the obsession got worse.

That's an interesting exercise, I may have to try it! I always viewed the alcohol related manifestation of my disease as more of a digital (on/off) thing rather than an analog (a needle gauge sinking ever deeper into the red). I looked at it as starting off awful and staying that way, not necessarily getting worse, just there being more of it as time passed.

So how does it work? What are the instructions? Do you start off with the year and date you took your first drink and list stuff (blew rent money on drinking, started hiding bottles, drove around drunk w/kids in the car, etc.) up until your last drink?

My own first step work started off by me reading the BB every day from the first page with printed stuff on it through the end of page 43. My sponsor and I would get together and talk about this part of the book; key concepts and identification in my own life. After demonstrating I would do this reading every night for a few weeks, I then had to find and highlight the instruction for step one part one (page 30, we had to concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic). I also found and highlighted a few (at least 3 I think) passages concerning drinking unmanageability. Then on to part 2, the unmanageability part. Page 52, 8 statements, starting off with "we were having trouble with personal relationships" and ending with "we couldn't seem too be of real help to other people". I was told to turn them into questions about me, and answer them each, one notebook page long per question.

Doing that part I saw how my life was screwed up, unmanageable, with or without alcohol. My drinking was an enormous problem, but it wasn't THE problem (my drinking was only a part of THE problem). If drinking was the problem, why didn't my life suddenly get better as soon as I put the bottle down? Why did I always pick it up again? I had plenty of material to put down, a lot just from the period of time in which I was writing that stuff! Those were some of the things that exercise helped me see.

[c'est la vie]

I read the first step in the 12x12 but it was the example in the BB about the person whose greatest happiness would be achieved by having everyone and everything work exactly to their specifications. I can totally relate to that. I want everyone to do as I wish without me having to say so. I don't want people in my way on the road or at the stores. I want all my appliances to ALWAYS work properly. It's tough to accept that I am truly not in control of everyone and everything.

Do you start off with the year and date you took your first drink and list stuff (blew rent money on drinking, started hiding bottles, drove around drunk w/kids in the car, etc.) up until your last drink?

As for the timeline, I started with my first drink - very uneventful. Then I listed some of the more outrageous things in highschool. I noted in college that I was drinking in the mornings, skipping classes, not caring about grades or my future, and contemplating suicide while drinking. The thing is I always looked at those things as "normal" naughty behaviour. In the 12x12 it suggests that we can see the past behaviours as those that were leading up to where we were recently. It acknowledges the possibility for people having different bottoms simply because one may be able to see the pattern sooner than others. In all cases it's a matter of progression and it was important for me to see that just because I wasn't as bad as others when I stopped, I could see that endpoint in my pattern if I kept going.

I really could see that in the last several years my mind had become completely preoccupied with drinking. My party behaviour was as bad or worse, but what disgusted me the most was that I could see the change in the obsession and craving identified with specific examples.

I may have been able to stall the inevitable if I caught it earlier, but I don't think that I would have been able to stop it entirely. The pattern heading down is so clear.