Finally dealing with feelings about my parents...need help.

[kali ma]

Today is my one month sober mark!! I have been posting a lot on the Newcomer's Forum, but have realized that this is also a good place for me to get some feedback. I am 25, and drank for 10 years (I can't believe it's been that long.) I graduated college with honors, and have always been extremely successful at what I do, drunk or not. For the past month, I have been feeling all of these feelings that I haven't really felt in 10 years. All of a sudden, I have incredible resentment towards both my mother and father. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up, and my mom recently became addicted. Neither of them were abusive in any way, but I have been thinking for the past week that neither of them really seemed to care when I thought they should have. I went to college 12 hours away from home, set up residence, got all of the money I needed for it on my own, and neither of them even offered to help with any of it. So, for the past week, I have been making a mental list of all of the times my family was not there for me when I needed them, and they were not there. I don't really know what I am looking for here. How do you deal with this? I feel like I can't bring it up to them because they always play the "we did the best we could" card...although they have not changed at all. How do you tell your parents that they should just care more and that they should start acting like the parents, and not the children? Sorry for the long post. I guess I had to vent.

[GingerM]

Welcome to the adult children forum, Kali Ma.

Many of us started our paths to recovery exactly where you are now: hating our parents and wishing they'd own up to what they did (or didn't do).

You start the healing process by accepting that what is is what is, and what was is what was. Just as with the recovery process from drinking. Acceptance is the first step. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure it.

I am the adult child of two alcoholics, one was physically and emotionally abusive, the other was emotionally unavailable and neglectful. It wasn't a good combination. I spent many years waiting for an appology from them. If I was to continue to wait, I would die (or they would) before I ever got one.

They don't think they have a problem. Thus, what would they apologize for?

I was able to finally let go of my desire for an apology at the age of 37. Within the last year, at 39, I was able to truly accept that they are who they are, no matter how much I wish they would be different. It is not a fast or easy thing to do, and support groups or therapy can help a lot.

I suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum for some good background.

And most importantly, congratulations on your sobriety! I wish you much luck in continuing your sobriety and heading down the path that leads to peace in your life.

[ranae1221]

Today is my one month sober mark!!

First, congrats on one month sober!!!


I can relate to alot of what you have expeirenced. My dad was (and is) an alcoholic who left when I was 12, and my mom was "sick" for many years growing up in which I took care of her and younger siblings.

For awhile, I don't think I even realized how much anger and resentment towards them. After falling into a very deep depression at age 21, I began treatment and began realizing how much anger I had at them. I would like to say that there was one thing that helped or some incident that "fixed" it, but it was a long hard process.

Dealing with what was or what wasn't in our childhood is never easy. When I began dealing with the issues, I realized that my parents were and are just as messed up as I am. I was able to see that my mom (who I have the most anger issues with) did do the best she knew how at that particular time. Was it the best? Could it have been better? Should it have been better? YES. But I could either stay angry at what shoulda/coulda/woulda happened and stay miserable, or I could greive the loss of my childhood, and move on.

In therapy, I learned there are 4 possible reactions to any given problem or conflict. You can change the situation, change how you feel about the situation, accept the situation, or stay miserable.

I couldn't change the past.
I didn't want to stay miserable.

But I could feel the anger, greive the loss, and then accept it for what it was. A crummy messed up childhood with parents that didn't know how to be parents. If I held on to the anger, no one would be suffering other than me. And I had enough suffering growing up.

I don't really feel anger now about it, I feel sad for my loss, I feel pity or empathy for my parents. I chose now to keep somewhat of a distance from my mom because that is the best way for me to have a healthy relationship with her. My relationship with my dad has greatly improved the last 6 months, I probally have the best relationship with him now than I ever have.

[DesertEyes]

Hello Katie,

Congratulations on your one month, that is awesome!

Welcome to the Adult Children forum, we're glad to have you join us. I understand about all those feelings you are talking about because that is exactly what happened to me when I quit drinking. All the "stuff" that the alcohol kept buried came gushing out. I paid my own way thru college too, with part time jobs, loans and a lot of good luck. My biological parents didn't do much for me either. Heck I would have received far better health care, food and housing in an orphanage.

In the "12 step" programs such as AA and ACoA those feelings you are talking about are called "resentments". That mental list you mentioned is called an "inventory" and is handled in "Step 4".

Originally Posted by kali ma

... How do you deal with this?...

The way I deal with resentments is to use the 12 step program.

1- Keep myself active. Time with nothing to do is dangerous for me as that is when the addiction to alcohol will "sneak up" and generate cravings. I fill my free time with postivie activity, whether it be excercise, attending meetings, or helping other people in recovery. This is where the "90 meetings in 90 days" is very helpful. I show up early at my meetings and help set up, stay after the meeting and help clean up.

2- Get a sponsor. I don't know if you have one or not. If you don't then get one because they are a big help. If you don't how I'll gladly share how I find mine.

3- Work the steps in order. Start with step one and work your way up to step 4 and 5 where you can deal with all those resentments. If you don't how I'll gladly share how I work mine.

The 12 steps of AA are very flexible, and they can help you just as easily with ACoA issues as with alcohol issues. You take out the word "alcohol" from the AA steps and put in "my parents' behavior". If you have a problem with the 12 "Higher Power" then take out the word "God" and put in whatever works for you. Atheism and agnosticism work just fine too, at my meets there's a whole bunch of people who don't believe in any kind of "God" and they are using the rest of the 12 step program just fine.

That should get you started Whadya think?

Mike

[christopher67]

Katie.....the feelings of resentment are normal....ive learned you cant change that...or your parents....focus right now on the positive things you are doing..keep your eyes on the prize..which is you and your sobriety...try turning the resentment card over..and focus on how growing up in a alcoholic/addicted family has made you a better person.....its not easy ...its painful....I know for me as an alc/add...growing up in large family was both a detriment and a blessing...I tried to blame my father for everything...he lost the house...his practice...his dignityand finally his will to live....I miss him...Thirty days is a benchmark.....congrats...be excited..but not too excited...try not to focus on the # too much...focus on the sobriety and the #will take care of itself....Embrace your parents(if you can)...Ive tried the anger and resentment...it doesnt work....it creates a deeper chasm...So I guess what Im saying is...your at a fragile point in sobriety...try to find the beauty in the struggle and the pain....

[fairyprincess]

Your parents are victims of thier own environment...they do or don't do things according to the knowlege and tools they posess. They don't break their cycle because they live in denial that anything needs to be changed. You will never be able to change them or their thinking. The good news is that you are an adult and you do have a choice. You are gaining the knowlege and tools neccessary for you to break out of the cycle....so they didn't do much for you, but you did it anyway, you survived and are now far better off than your parents. You learn to get past the parent issue when you realize they know nothing better, but you do and you have a choice....a better life awaits you and you are entitled to it.