"TIME TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE"

[heartache]

I have been doing some self research and I gotta tell I do NOT like what I have learned. The biggest being the fact that alot of whom I am today stemmed back from growing up with an alcoholic parent. I never really thought it had much affect on my adult life, boy I am wrong.

I am in a relationship with an active crack smoker and have been for seven years. I have allowed myself to be put through hell and let my children come along for the ride! I am very codependent and an enabler. I just can't stop!

I have hit some very hard realities about who I am and who I have allowed myself to become. The picture is not pretty. I do not wish for any child to go through what I have been through, yet I am here living the nightmare all over again.

I am new here and do not know too much about how all this works, but I do however need the support from anybody willing to listen to me whine, cry, complain and beat myself up. Oh and don;t forget making excuses to continue what I do!!!!

Thanks all in advance for any help! Do do also help with what i have gone through and am going through I will also be able to provide some insight to others too.

[cupowater]

Hi Heartache. You are right. It has a DIRECT effect on our adult life! Me?... My first husband was a drug abuser and and A, everyone I dated plus my second husband who I was divorced from 7 years ago, and am back with is an active A also! I have learned much about myself in the passed 7 or 8 years and know that I would never enter a relationship with an A again. Had I known how bad he was when I moved back, I never would have, or I might have made sure of some serious changes.

Anyway, welcome to the site. Read and learn lots!

[toosweet]

Hi, heartache. Yep, being codependent relates to having grown up in an alcoholic home, no doubt about it. I did as well and am codependent as well. Last Fall, I hit a sort of crisis point in my own pain at my codependent behaviors. I checked into a motel and read the book Women Who Love Too Much from cover to cover and then came home and read Codependent No More. Both could have been written about me. (If you haven't already, I would urge you to read them both.) I married a very disturbed gay man, divorced him after years of emotional abuse and finally figuring out that I couldn't fix him, having put our child through our Hell, and entered into relationships with more disturbed men, either emotionally unavailable, mentally ill, or addicts. I discovered I couldn't fix any of them, and that they couldn't love me really. It was after that last painful situation with the addict that I came to terms with my own problem, codependency. Sure, I can justify it by listing the many horrible ways in which I was abused as a child, but all that does is explain how I came to be that way. I have to change, for my own sake, for the sake of my children, and really to stop enabling any other man to whom my attempts at help are more harmful than good. I am working on it, and reading those books and understanding the ways in which we interact with others which are codependent, unhealthy behaviors is so freeing. I have a long way to go, but I am determine that withing the relationship I am now in, with a man I love, I will not fall into my caretaking ways. You may decide to stay in or leave this relationship you are now in, and hopefully your children are safe. If you do stay, it will be helpful to you to know what you're dealing with in terms of codependency. Reading Codependent No More would be a tremendous help, as well as finding an NA support group in your area and being here and reading and posting and learning. Welcome to the group!

[bikewench]

heartache...

but I do however need the support from anybody willing to listen to me whine, cry, complain and beat myself up. Oh and don;t forget making excuses to continue what I do!!!!

That's where we all start.. ;o)

I have ironed some pretty wrinkly stuff out on here... and I find they stay unwrinkled if I help other people iron their wrinkly stuff.. so.. ;o)

We all grow and stay well together...
Even if we have to cover the same ground over and over for a bit.. ;o)

Glad your here..

[utopia]

ive found meetings a vital source of faith and strength for me. im validated, im heard and seen, im loved unconditionally, i grow in TRUST of others and in loving detachment, i belong to a community, i become one with others in spiritual commnunion to both god and ourselves at the same time. im doing step 4 and with a sponsor too because i can very easily berate myself. we say in recovery AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ACTION. I often think where the hell am i going and why am i even here, but an answer to that is who am i, and where am i now? i often feel rushed by the belief that i have to be going somewhere. thats because i always longed for tomorrow growing up in a dysfunctional family. my family had abig influence on who i am today, there are also influences from my inherent nature which is sensitive and from my culture and other things. once im aware theres a grieving process so that i can accept the past as unchangeable, wooo! not an easy thing but it is POSSIBLE. and the action for me in one thing, one day at a time because im HUMAN and thats the best i can do for today. making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself uncovers all my assets and liabilities, for me whats been holding me back the most is resentment, justification and mistrust, and its no wonder...its no wonder....going the gentle approach with love and compassion for myself but always progress even if its goes back a bit sometimes. it all gets clearer in time.

[bikewench]

i often feel rushed by the belief that i have to be going somewhere.

gawd...
me too...

great post Utopia....
you speak great recovery... ;o)

[Five]

all ways check the references in what you read.

There is a lot of stuff out there that is not up to date scientifically.

[Peter]

Originally Posted by Five

There is a lot of stuff out there that is not up to date scientifically.

As far as addiction and recovery goes I am afraid there is far more to it than scientific analysis.

[BigSis]

I remember figuring out that this addiction thing was way bigger than I had first believed.

I remember feeling afraid and unable to handle such a huge condition.

I also thought that I could never stop enabling - this was the only way I KNEW how to interact, and so much of it happened without thinking... I would only see my own behavior in hindsight.

But what I didn't know was that I had reached the first place I really needed to be -- I had become AWARE. I needed to see my part in the addictive behavior. I needed to understand how I enabled and how I was codependent. Before I could do one more thing, I had to be AWARE.

After awareness, I started working on acceptance.... I wish you luck on that part. 12-step meetings were my saving grace.

The process of changing behaviors is SLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWWW. I remember being so danged PROUD of myself the night I was able to take a phone off the hook so that I could get ONE night's sleep without the worry that I might miss a call about my addicted children (I did not get calls every night, but I spent ALL nights worrying that I would miss a call... taking the phone off the hook meant I had accepted that God had my kids and they would be ok for one night and I could sleep).

We talk in Alanon about taking itty-bitty, baby steps... to be proud of our PROGRESS, because no one can do this "perfectly".

I hope you can find some meetings in your area - it was suggested to me that I try 6 meetings before deciding if Alanon was right for me. I am so glad I did. My relationships with my mom and other addicted/alcoholic relatives has healed very much... one littly, itty-bitty baby step at a time.

I wish you the best.