I'm A Newbie HI everyone.

[preciouz]

Hi everyone!
I am new to the forum and I want to introduce myself. Here is my story & maybe there are people who have had a similar case: my dad has been a alcoholic for nearly 15 years and a chronic alcoholic for the last 10. He doesn't drink the hard stuff, but drinking at least 3 cases of beer a day. I know for a fact that the last time i saw my dad even a little bit sober was about 2 years ago. He has tried once before to stop drinking and that lasted almost a month. This time he has stop drinking and its been a week exactly... but hell for the rest of us. My dad has never gone to a recovery center because he doesn't not believe that they work. My dad has been charged with DUI twice and never went to a AA meeting... and he has basically got a way with it because i never saw any legal action as a result... To my disappointment. My dad is one of those people who knows that he has a problem but refuses to admit it, and his excuse is he may be a drunk but he still pay the bills. He always uses the this example of "show me 100 men who are sober and they are dead broke.. and you see me?! i have money". What does that have to do with anything really? And my dad doesn't even have money!! My dad has deep root issues & anger problems. Plus he has no sense of whats right or wrong. Combine these with his drinking.... Yet he refues to get professional help. He hasn't seen in doctor in years... i wonder why. On paper my parents are married.. and that's about it. My dad's alcoholism has affected my family in the worse way. Because of my dad's drinking my family has endured too much domestic violence. My dad use to really hurt my mom when i was younger... and it didn't really stop until about 4 years ago. Then he would throw rants and raves and throws things around. Since stoping a week ago... he has tried twice already to hit my mom. I am going to be honest. i hate my dad because he has hurt and continue to hurt my mom and my family. He doesn't leave any one of us alone. My parents have been together for a little over 20 years... thats a long time considering the things that he has done. For a while i question & was mad at my mom for not leaving him and letting my siblings & myself have to witness everything. My mom then is not the same person now. She doesn't take his %^&! & My mom is going to leave my dad finally and she is saving to get us out. My dad is verbally abusive towards me and my siblings and never has anything good to say to us. He never has been there for anything.. not evne our birhts, or graduations.. nothing. Just because you pay for everything doesn't make you father of the year... I'm 19 years old and my dad tries to control me like i am 5. He says that i don't respect him.. but common... how do you expect any respect by tolerating disrepect? He has no respect at all... he sees us as his problem & he makes himself the victum when we didn't do a god damn thing to him... He says that we are using up all his money & he has told us to our faces that we have to put up with his %&&* because he has spent so much money taking care of us. He always says "i own you & you own me $$.. do you know i could be living in a mansion with 5 corvetts if it weren't you for"... yea right. I got pulled out of school so many times because he rather had spent his money on his boozes than pay for his kids' education.Plus he messed around on my mom & had a mistress & kids with her and sold our house because he ran out of money, didnt have anything to buy his booze & no money to spend on his lil ***** *excuse me*. I didn't even go away to college * i decided to go to a school close to home* just so i make sure my family is safe. I can't even get a job because my dad makes so much ^$^^ out of it... he says if get a job i have to support him & pay the bills... for what??? so he can drink more?? Thank god my mom doesn't listen to him... But my mom is helping me find a job.. so i hope from that some good thing will happen. I notice that my life is so pent up on making sure that my family is okay that i never let myself have the time to make me okay. I have bad anxitey sometimes when my parents fight.. and i can't sleep and i am always so stressed out because i worry about my mom and my family and how to help my mom out. Plus i am not even happy that my dad stop drinking because drunk or not sober or not... doesn't change a thing. He already messed up everything and i never want to see him again. I spent the last 2 years literally thinking i wouldn't see my dad the next day because he wasn't eating and starving himself plus drinking and blamed it all on us and that was his way of getting even with us. My dad can't stop drinking on his own.. and he needs to see a doctor because god knows how much damage he has caused himself. I have reasearched so much about alcoholism and my dad drinks so much for so long.. i don't understand how he is still alive? Really? how can u drink so much beer day after day, never giving your body a break.. not eating, smoking, not even seeing a doctor... destroying it... and your still here?? Plus he isn't even techinally sober since he started yesterday drinking a beer a day... give me a break... your still drinking. I don't know what the hell is his problem.. no one and nothing can help him..

That's my story sorry i went on and on... i came here because for once... i am getting help in fixing myself... helping me to understand that his problem isn't and shouldn't be mine. I am not to blame.. i would really like some suggestions & how not to give up hope in having a peaceful life. I'm so scared that my dad's alcoholism will never stop & i am going to look back 20 years from now and still feel i am stuck in the same place. I don't want to be 20 something or even 40 something still dealing with my dad's $@&!. Thanks for hearing me out & reading my story.

[nocellphone]

Hi preciouz, and welcome to SR...

I understand the hell of living with active alcoholism, 'cos that's where I grew up. The details may have been different, but the pain, confusion, anger and despair are the same...

I honor you today for the courage it takes to open up about something so personal and to seek relief from your situation. It's not easy to talk about these things. It's said that the three unsaid rules in an alcoholic home are "Don't talk; don't trust; don't feel". You're breaking those rules today, and that's a wonderfully healthy first step toward healing!

If you are able to locate any Al-Anon/Alateen meetings near you, you might consider trying a few. The people you'll meet there will understand as no one may have before. They've all dealt with some form of what you're dealing with, and they may be able to offer you guidance and solutions as you learn how to cope with this family disease...

I hope you find something here that helps you, and I hope you'll keep coming back!

[preciouz]

Thanks. I have a couple of their books. I bought One day at a time and courage to change and courage to be me for my siblings. I haven't gone to a meeting because i wanted my mom to take me, but because of things that happen we end up not going. Tomorrow though i am going to go to one... and i am going to be quiet honest... that I am scared because I don't know what to expect... i dont want to go there and completely fall apart...

[best]

Going to a meeting and IF you did fall apart, you will be around many who have fallen apart before you.

The people at meetings...do understand, because they have lived it as well.

[dollydo]

Welcome to our world.

My mom is the "A" in my family, she is 80, been drinking for over 40 years...I was raised by a mean drunk...it is h*ll...You must start detaching, you are young, forge your own path, love from afar...you cannot change him, he may end up like my mom, she will die with a fresh drink in her hand...sad, but true.

Go to meetings, they will help, keep reading and posting.

Hugs,

Dolly

[princess9282001]

I hear ya! Most of my life was similiar! At first i felt sorry for my mom for having to go through the domestic abuse. Then I got to the point of where i hated her. I dont think my dad has ever drank 3 cases but he drinks alot. He drinks to the point of where his stomach is messed up and he gets sick every time he drinks. If i got sick everytime I drank, I would stop but not him. He also has a few DUI'S under his belt. I lived most of my life in fear wondering what he was going to be like when he came home. I spent most of my life crying myself to sleep, and in fear of what would happen next. He liked to break things. So I learned at a young age not have favorite items or toys because when he got drunk he would break them anyways. In a nutshell u need to bail. Get out with or without your mother. I know you love her, but if she refuses to go then you cant do anything to change her mind. I got out when i turned 18yrs and never looked back and I'm a much happier person for it. I'm now a 29 yr old mother of three and my kids have never saw me drink or drunk. I do occasionally drink but not like my dad. I learned quick in life thats not what I want. I mean I still deal with the problems and things that we all deal with growing up this way, but I know I am much better off and much happier out of that house and those problems. Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay.

[My*Do*Over]

I read your post and it brought back so many memories of what my life was like when I was really young (ages 9-14). During that time, my Mom brought many men into our lives, the main one being my biological father who I did not meet until I was 9. They were both alcoholics, and he was very, very physically abusive, would threaten our lives, threatened to kill my Mom almost every day (and this was a threat to ME, not her), brandished rambo knives and things to terrorize and control us. I too, wanted so badly to get away but wouldn't leave, wouldn't call child protective services or anything to get help for myself because I felt responsible for protecting my Mom and my older brother, who my bio father would tell me he was going to kill all the time.

Now, at 33, and trying to heal from those experiences, this is what I do, and it works. I visualize myself as that little girl, and I visualize that the adult me is having a conversation with her. And in this visualization I tell that little girl how good and strong she is, and that none of this is her fault, and that in the end, nobody is going to get killed, so she doesn't have to be afraid of that anymore. I tell her that soon, this monster will go away, and some more not-so-great things will happen, but that she will make it through it okay. I tell her that when she grows up, her Mom doesn't drink anymore. I tell her that she is going to grow up to be strong, and have a wonderful husband who is her best friend, and beautiful children who she keeps safe, and that she makes the kind of life for them that she wishes she could have now.

And that helps, corny as it sounds. It really does accomplish something, I don't know how to put it into words exactly.

Now I don't know what your life holds for you exactly, but I do know this:
You are good and strong. None of this is your fault. Soon, you will be out from under the control of this monster, if that's what you choose for yourself. And probably, some more not-so-great things will happen, but you can make it through it okay. When you grow up (and you are there, at 19! This is YOUR life now!), you don't have to live a life that is filled every day with the experience of and the results of your father's drinking. You can be strong for your Mom and siblings and help to get them away from this life that your father has created and imposed upon you. You have power to do these things. Someday, you can marry your best friend if that's what you want, choose to build a life with someone who does not drink or do drugs, make a life that is not affected every day by alcoholism. You can live a life where you don't have to come home to the uncertainties of the treatment you will receive from someone who is intoxicated. You can make a safe home for you, one that is peaceful and comforting. A home where you can actually relax. If you choose, you can have children, and provide the kind of home life and nurturing you wish you could have now. And it will be healing, to see that you can do for them what you could not have for yourself. It's a lot like giving yourself another chance to have it. But the kids thing should be way off, if you can manage it. You are correct in realizing that you need to heal yourself first, make a safe life for yourself first. 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 15 years from now....things can be as different as you want them to be. You really do have the power to give yourself a life that consists of safety and peace. Not that things are always peaceful, but you certainly have the choice and power to remove the alcoholic from your life, which will give you a degree of peace you haven't known for a long time, if ever.

Best wishes to you and your family!

[preciouz]

Thank you everyone,
Really! Thank you soo much. Each of you have brought so much hope encouragement, and push. i have never ever have recieved this type of support from anyone. Thank you for telling me about what you have gone through, because it puts things into perspective and gives me a very very clear picture of my life, of what i want, what i don't want, and what i am afraid to face up to. You don't have any idea how much it touches me. You all brought me a sense of peace that i thought i would never get to have, but only heard others get to experience. I know that the meetings will help me. I know that i don't know all of you and i'm new, but you give me the sense of friendship & foundation that i lack in my life. Before finding this forum.. all i have was my boyfriend/bestfriend.. & i know there is so much that he can understand. But He has been there for me though thick and thin. Its hard for me to see him feeling like he can't help me, when he has no clue how much he really does. My life is pretty screw up & he is the only real good thing in my life. Now i have this forum to add. Thank you again:

My*Do*Over: That thing you told me you do, its kinda similar to what i do. Sometimes i have nightmares about incidents in my past & i see me now and me then.. and i try to help myself then. Sometimes i can't but other times i can. also i will marry my bestfriend Who is my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years .

elizabeth1979: Thanks 4 understanding & welcoming me. I will stick around

princess9282001: thanks for the extra push to just get out & giving me a glimps of life after alcohol.

best: thanks for making me feel more comfortable about falling part when it happens.

dollydo: I read your posts in other threads.. and you brought me into tears because I know my dad hasn't been drinking for 40 years *yet*... but i know exactly how you feel.

nocellphone: thanks once again best.

[My*Do*Over]

Good for you! I'm so happy to hear that you feel empowered and stronger. It's wonderful that you have your boyfriend for support, I hope that he is someone who treats you very well. You need to be conscious of that, you know....if the only example you've ever had of how a man treats you, is the example you've experienced from your father, you could very easily have an undeveloped or unhealthy perspective of what is okay and not okay between men and women. My first husband (married at 18 for 9 months) was many of the things that both my mother and bio father were. Thankfully I realized it by the time I had just turned 19, but I had also been with him since the age of 14, and so I had not only wasted much time on this doomed, unhealthy relationship, but also suffered even more abuse and mistreatment at his hands, which took many years to overcome, also. For years I just thought he was wonderful, I had no idea the damage he was doing. Please take an honest look at your relationship with this person, be sure it is healthy. Not only for your sake, but since you say you plan to marry him, it's likely at some point you'll have children, and you don't want to create a bad or unhealthy life for them. One thing all girls should be told before marriage is this: Be sure, be ABSOLUTELY certain this is the person you could really entrust your future children to. I say this from experience. This person I thought was wonderful, was a horrible, horrible father. He abused my daughter from infancy (which I got her away from), and then fought for visitation and abused her further. You cannot depend on courts to do the best thing for your future children if you realize later that this person is not a fit father......most people who have been locked into custody fights will agree that they are costly, and rarely result in what is actually best or even healthy for the children. Anyway, I know it's getting a little ahead, but it's a piece of information I wish someone had shared with me. I ended up spending over two years in hiding with my little girl to keep her safe, risking prison, risking losing her forever, in a desperate attempt to protect her from further abuse, which I believed would eventually end in her death or serious, permanent injury. I decided a long time ago that I would share that bit of information with anyone I thought it might be useful to. Many women adult children of alcoholic fathers will say, "I married my father", it's very common, since our relationships with our fathers are the first we know, and as a result, are the ones we know how to function in, and eventually, commonly, lead us to enter into other similar relationships. Be very honest with yourself, you may be saving yourself years of further anguish. I hope this person IS good for you, and I wish you the very best!

[preciouz]

I'm sorry that you had to go through what you had to go through with your relationship. One thing for sure is that I know he is good for me. He is my equal. Yes i know it sounds cheesy but it is true. I made a promise to myself that i wouldn't marry "my father". I heard that quote when i was really young & it scared the hell out of me. I never thought i would have a good relationship with a guy. My previous relationships were not great and treated me like I was nothing. I was put down allot & made to feel insecure about myself. I have had made that mistake in a sense that i wasted my time with people who inevitable were like my dad. However, My boyfriend is my first serious relationship and the first guy to treat and give me respect. He is gentalman & basically the polar opposite of my father. Unlike my family, his family is very close knit & don't drink *a big plus i love that*, his parents are very kind and warm hearted & raised a great family. They have been very welcoming to me. They are the family i wished to have. Plus, He knows how to treat a girl . He loves me and with all the %$^ in my life, he knows who i am & what i am about. He helped me realize that just because my father is the way he is, doesn't mean i will be like him. I know for sure if he hadn't come into my life when he had.. i truely don't believe i would be here today. I mean that. I had contemplated suicide when i was 13/14 because it got so bad. Believe it or not, my dad doesn't even like my boyfriend because he knows he isn't like him. He hates that. He tried offering him beer a few times an dmy boyfriend said flat out no i don't drink to him. He hates my boyfriend because "he never offeres me to buy me beer" what the hell is that?? He dislikes my boyfriend because "he doesn't gain anything from him". He thinks that girls are good for only to be told what to do and knocked up because they are stupid... and this is coming froma guy who has 3 daughters. He has even told me to my face that he would be happy if i was knocked up with a drug addicted boyfriend. Shows what type of dad i have. He compares me to our neighbor who has a elest daughter who's 18 who seriously has parties every week and all the kids are getting high and drunk. And me.. i have never dranked in my life or done drugs, i am have always been very educated driven, i am intelligent, i am strong,i excell in everything i do and i stand up for myself and that doesn't mean a damn thing to him. He also says for a kid that he wasted all his "hard earned cash on private education" the public high schoolers have better sense of manners and respect. Besides I know if I have children that they will have great parents. I value the importances of having a good parental figure in your life. I don't plan to have children until i know i come to terms with my issues. Plus i plan to not have my dad present at my wedding or in my children's lives.