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|12-04-2005, 09:54 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Just a rant (cuz there's no easy fix)
Here's the particulars:
I'm 36 years old, father was an alcoholic, both parents were abusive for a time. I am receiving disability for clinical depression, and have been for a number of years. My personal bills have gotten so out of control that my check just barely covers them, so there's no extra left over for ...say.. getting my own place. I live at home with my mom.
When dear ol' mom was working 40 hours a week, our relationship was good, because we barely saw each other. She got herself involved in some crap at work, and was about to lose her job when she decided to try and keep her dignity and 'retire'. She just turned 67 years old.
She retired in July, while I was visiting my sister for 2 months in Virginia. In August, mom came to VA to spend a few weeks, and then we came home together. Since that time, I have spent up to 16 hours a day (waking hours, mind you) in my room. I don't have my own car, so when I need to travel anyplace not within walking distance, I have to ask for permission to use mom's car. I stay in my room to keep out of the way, basically. I have a friend in the exact same situation I'm in, but he's 42. We were talking last week about how if we were to move into our own place, we wouldn't need to buy much furniture because we have everything jammed up in our rooms, and he's not exaggerating that much. At times, I keep food in here, so I don't have to go into the kitchen.. I have a TV, cable, computer, XBOX, stereo, and a really sweet dog to pass the time. But after nearly 4 months of being in a fairly small room almost all day every day, I'm starting to kinda ...really be sick of it.
Just this week, my mom bought my dog some toys that squeak - she loves them! She plays with them and growls at them.. it's cute. Now I've taken my dog to obedience classes to get her trained. My mom has never shown an interest in going or learning the commands, so when she issues a command at my dog and it's the wrong one, I always let her know. For example... I would hear my mom at least 10 times a day telling my dog to "leave it," and I'd always ask her what the dog was doing when she would tell her that. She always made it seem as if my dog was about to grab something she had no business having, but as I found out, she was telling my dog to "leave it" when she was sniffing things, which isn't how that command is used. At night, she always makes a big production out of going to bed, which my dog regards as a game, and then she gets upset because the dog won't leave her alone. I tell her "Just go to bed, you don't have to tell the DOG to go to bed, ignore her and she'll go away." Well...
My dog is playing with her squeaky toy, and my mom said something about the toy being loud, and I said "yeah, I'm going to take it from her before I go to bed." She then goes in her room and the dog follows her with the toy. My mom isn't the kind of person that goes to bed when her head hits the pillow, so I figured I'd give the dog some more play time, then take it from her. Instead, my mom takes it from her, and then tucks it behind her back. Then she's telling the dog to leave her room, when the dog now thinks she's playing. I walk into the room, and said "Where is it?" She produces the toy, I take it from her and said "Goodnight mom." She says to me "Don't you snatch anything else out of my hands," and I said "I wouldn't have to take anything out of your hands if you and [dog's name] wouldn't do this same crap every night." That was on Friday. She hasn't spoken to me since.
She's been in this house every single day since then, and doesn't say a word to me. That combined with the sheer frustration of being jammed in my room all the time really has me irritated. I attempted to speak to her today, but she was still being rather b*tchy, and then she goes to bed tonight and doesn't say anything to me (we always say goodnight to each other). I'm at the limit as far as kissing her behind - not gonna happen - and I don't feel that I owe her an apology, because I truly didn't snatch anything out of her hand.. she just likes to argue.
My mom is very passive aggressive. I'll ask her a question and instead of answering it, she'll ask me a question in return. Like... I'll ask her "Are you doing anything today?" She'll reply "..Why?" Or I'll ask her something like "Did you put the glass on the counter?" Her reply will be "Does it look like I've been anywhere near that counter today!?" It's enough to age me... luckily, I have very good genes.
I don't get along with my sister enough to move in with her, and honestly it's just like living with my mom but worse - there's no room for me to escape into and keep myself entertained. I can't get my own place right now because I can't afford it, so I guess if I need anything at all from this rant other than to just get it out of my system in an anonymous way, I need some advice on how to deal. I have such a sensitive nervous system that the least little infraction sits on my chest like a 700-pound man. I'm actively working on my recovery.. been seeing my counselor like I'm supposed to, every 2 weeks, and I'm reading my books and trying to get myself together. I just found out, however, that I have severe iron deficiency anemia, and it's taking its toll on my body, and I need to see a blood specialist. I'm hoping that once my iron levels are restored to normal, I'll physically be feeling better, and perhaps that will aide in my mental state also.
I wouldn't doubt it a bit if I was the only ACoA at this age still living at home with one or both parents, and if there are any, I bet you don't spend all day long in your room... so I don't know if anyone will be able to relate. My best friends don't have a car so it's not as if they can come and kidnap me when I need to get out, and with it being Winter, and me having Reynaud's Syndrome (hands and feet freeze in minutes, takes a long time to warm back up), just heading out for a walk isn't always possible either. Maybe there is no solution.. but I know there's got to be coping mechanisims I'm not using. I need bunches of 'em *lol*
Anyway.. thanks for reading, even if you have no help to offer. Just having typed this all out I feel a little relief.
|12-05-2005, 01:05 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Typing all of that out must have had a magical effect - today things are back to normal. I still realize there is a problem here, but at least the atmosphere is calmer now. Maybe there's hope for me learning to meditate yet!
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