Encouragement for a Newbie

[Sesquipedalian]

I'm having a problem, well, many problems. First of all, I've recently realized that I do not understand myself at all. My dad is an active alcoholic, something I just came to terms with last year or so. I've just started Alanon, but still, it feels like so many things are going wrong in my life. I'm twenty years old and I have a great boyfriend that I've been dating for two years, and who is supportive, loving, etc. I don't know why I do this, but I always feel that I intentionally screw things up when things are “fine� in the relationship. For example, if he doesn't want to come over, I always feel hurt. Or, if he comes over and says he needs to leave, or turns me down when I want to be intimate, or would rather do something else, I just crumble. (I think perhaps this comes from the fact that I never turn him down, because I never feel that I can. Actually, I don't know what it would feel like to want to turn him down. I never have a desire to do so…) I just sit and cry, and he doesn't understand what in the world for.

I furthermore feel like I need affection all the time. Yet, when I'm upset, I don't want my boyfriend to touch me. I cling to my boyfriend, yet I resent him when I do. I think that this might be a power play. I try thinking about the alanon slogans that tell me to “let go� and live my own life, but ugh…it's so much more difficult to use them when you really need them. What's even worse is that after I'm done dealing with all of this and want to “act normally� again, I feel horribly guilty for putting my boyfriend through everything. We're young, and I think he deserves more than someone with odd behaviors like me. Regardless, he tells me that he just wants me to be happy and get better. He's even offered to go to alanon meetings with me. But, I don't know…I suppose since I'm a newbie I want to know that alanon will work. Right now, I feel like I'm going insane and that there's no way I'll ever be able to slough off these behaviors.

Thank you for listening.

[Gabe]

Hey Ses,
What you're describing sounds a lot like "push/pull" behavior. You push him away one time, then the next you're pulling him way too close. This happens a lot with adult children of alcoholics. We've spent years burying our feelings, ergo we don't know how to deal with them in a healthy way. Awareness of what you're doing wrong is the first step towards getting it right.
The Alanon program has a lot of great tools that can help you along the way.
Glad you dropped in, stick around.
Gabe

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by Sesquipedalian

since I'm a newbie I want to know that alanon will work.

Al-Anon works, but remember that recovery is a process, not an event. It takes time and effort. That's the part I hated at first: "I just want to feel better; I don't want to have to work at it!" Unfortunately, that's part of the process. After a while, it doesn't feel like work.

Al-Anon has been offering support and guidance to millions of people for over 50 years. Trust that you will not be the first exception.

Originally Posted by Sesquipedalian

Right now, I feel like I'm going insane and that there's no way I'll ever be able to slough off these behaviors.

Someone once told me that going crazy and getting sane feel exactly the same.

Here's a couple of things you might want to keep in mind:

Changes in behavior happen one behavior at a time.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

One definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results".

If you're thinking about going to a meeting, go to the meeting and think about it afterwards.

[swissmiss75]

We're young, and I think he deserves more than someone with odd behaviors like me.

It can be very hard to believe that someone actually chooses to be my friend and/or loved one. After all, I'm the daughter of a %#*!-up! I have to trust that they are judging me on my own merits, even if it's hard to trust them. More importantly - *I* have to believe that I have merit. It's hard. I have to remind myself every day that I'm valuable and a decent human being.
It is essential to keep telling yourself that you are a good person, worth the love that others offer. I don't think that a man who offers to get involved in your recovery would want anyone else. He just wants you to get better. And he's probably not the only one...call your friends and tell them how things are going, what you think you need to do to take care of yourself. They'll probably encourage you, too.

[Sesquipedalian]

"I don't think that a man who offers to get involved in your recovery would want anyone else. He just wants you to get better." - Swissmiss75

I had a long talk with him tonight about all of this. The conversation (unbelievably) was about that comment. It was comforting, but hard, too. It's difficult to acknowledge that I need to "get better." It's even harder to acknowledge that I'm valuable regardless.
I went to an alanon meeting though, yay!, and I'm going back. I realize no one said it would be easy, but I suppose that's why i'm posting here.

[Star Gazer]

I furthermore feel like I need affection all the time. Yet, when I'm upset, I don't want my boyfriend to touch me. I cling to my boyfriend, yet I resent him when I do.

I have been in this place, still am. I found the best action for myself was to end the realtionship. I was tired of hurting and tired of hurting him. That is just my situation, though.

I think that I did (still do!) the push/pull because I am afraid of being alone, afraid of depending on someone to make me feel better, and I am afraid of being abandoned. I have decided to go it alone and figuire it out.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your situation!

You are lucky. My ex never offered to go to a meeting with me.