question

[Jewelz]

Last night while writing in my diary I started think about my abf and my thoughts wondered to my childhood and the pain I had growing up with Alcoholic father and sister. I try not to think of this to much or dwell on it but I wonder how much of what happened in the past still affects me now? Does it have anything to do with me having relationships with people with addiction problems. My Ex is a recovering alcoholic or rather is just dry now and my current BF is an active addict. When I started with my Ex we were just kids how could I have known he would be an alcoholic and what my life would be become.
My dad doesnt drink anymore he realized how out of control he was when he drank.

[Sesquipedalian]

Hiya Jewelz,

I'm very new and just joined these message boards. My dad is an alcoholic, and I understand. I just started going to alanon because I was afraid that everything I grew up with was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm clingy, passive agressive, manipulative, and controlling. (This all sounds very bad, but, like all codependents, these behaviors are done with the mask of a smile...). I worry a lot that my boyrfriend will become some type of addict, or that I will, and I'll end up exactly like my parents. I don't know. There are a lot of uncertainties and such, but to answer your question, I don't think that anyone grows up in an alcoholic home and escapes unaffected by it.

[nocellphone]

Sounds to me like you've hit on something, Jewel. Maybe more to journal about...?

I know my childhood experiences with the family disease of alcoholism paved the way for how my adulthood shaped up prior to finding recovery. My sponsor says, "We learn what we live and then we live what we learn", that is, until we learn differently.

And when the pain is greater than the fear, I'll make a change.

Thanks for the reminder!

Write on...

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by Sesquipedalian

I don't think that anyone grows up in an alcoholic home and escapes unaffected by it.

Welcome, and well-put.

BTW, great screen name. I had to look up the meaning, and I love that I now know what to call this!

Peace!

[Jewelz]

Sesquipedalian

I don't think that anyone grows up in an alcoholic home and escapes unaffected by it. i guess your right about that, I didn't really think it had long term affects because I don't think about the past from me being kid unless I am terribly hurt.

I know my childhood experiences with the family disease of alcoholism paved the way for how my adulthood shaped up prior to finding recovery. My sponsor says, "We learn what we live and then we live what we learn", that is, until we learn differently.
And when the pain is greater than the fear, I'll make a change.
Sounds so true but I hate change.

Thanks guys

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by Jewelz1797

I don't think that anyone grows up in an alcoholic home and escapes unaffected by it. i guess your right about that, I didn't really think it had long term affects because I don't think about the past from me being kid unless I am terribly hurt.

There's a quote in Al-Anon's book From Survival to Recovery that says something to the effect of "My father's alcoholism didn't affect me. He left when I was a baby"... Emotional scars take the longest to heal, but they do heal when treated.

Originally Posted by Jewelz1797

I hate change.

I heard someone say once, "Life is like panhandling... It's all about change!"

[Jewelz]

Thanks nocellphone something I''l think about tonight after I go to a mtg. Oh and really like your pic of john... wouldnt it be great if we can hear that the war was over.

jewelz

[nocellphone]

Someday, jewelz, someday... For now, I'll settle for the inner war being over.

I've been looking all over the web trying to find a War Is Over (If You Want It) t-shirt, but no luck so far.

[Jewelz]

I'll take a look also.. If I find it I'll pass it along for you.

[Jewelz]

hey nocellphone i think I found the tshirt

http://www.emerchandise.com/product/...014/s.Wi5XKwav

jewelz

[nocellphone]

Thanks, jewelz. In my search, I'd come across that one, but I'm trying to find a plain white shirt with the motto on the front (kind of like my avatar).

I am grateful for your help, though!

Peace!

[Jewelz]

To bad your in Fl cause you probably could have found it the village in nyc. I'll still take a look. I found it so fast I new it had to be to good to be true..hahaha

[Peter]

The things we learned in childhood affects the way we operate today.

As an ACOA I learned to be insular and uncommunicative in an uncertain and unpredictable environment.

As an adult I thought it was what I needed to do in order to survive.

The good news is we know what the problem is and we can do something about it.We do not have to dwell in the past.

[Jewelz]

Thanks Peter your right I know exactly what the problem is I just need to fixed it.

Jewel

[utopia]

before i went to alanon i was unaware how attracted i was to alcoholics, drug addicts, madmen. the appeal of the dramatic, unstable and chaotic lover was something i could handle, and control. familiar demons can seem more appealing than foreign angels. i look at any changes from Adult child to healthier beahviours as stepping into the light. my intial reaction is to cringe from the brightness, but soon my eyes adjust and im more comfortable. then i realise i can actually see so much more in the light than in the darkness.

i dont know how to handle a healthy, calm relationship because boredom scares me off, the fear of a blissfully contented relationship, ive never had one! but god in his/her graces will bless me with one and im sure when under the guidance of my higher power i will learn how truly capable of love i can be as opposed to obsessive infatuation and dramatic self-destruction ala opera style.

peace out
toby

[JT]

i dont know how to handle a healthy, calm relationship because boredom scares me off, the fear of a blissfully contented relationship,

That's me. I have managed in recovery to take a relationship that was chaotic and it has become calm. It was the change in me that brought this about. I take absolute credit. Ward and I could not still be together the way it/I was.

Anyway my addiction to chaos became all the more apparent as the health of our relationship improved. I am antsy. I want excitement even if that means bad excitement and I have to always be on guard to not create a crisis.

I have had to begin to learn who I am and what I want. What I want is what I have, which is peace and a sense security. The way I often see that is mundane. Not exciting enough.

I grew up in crisis and lived most of my adult life in crisis. I lived what I knew and sought help when the pain became worse than the fear of change. Not to sound ungrateful, but today I am often bored. But I remind myself that the sick JT is still in there and I am happier today than when she was in charge.

Hugs,
JT