face the music
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
face the music
I am 31 and I will be two years sober on June 15th. My mother is a severely mentally ill alcoholic so I cut contact with her about nine years ago when my girlfriend suggested that I go no contact. It was one of the best decisions of my life. She still sends me things and I will get a restraining order soon.
I am writing to ask if anyone can help me figure out why I am beginning to feel uneasy about my other family members. When I initially got sober I was vulnerable and scared. Today I feel better and I do not trust anyone in my family. The details are probably typical for alcoholic families but I think I have some bad stuff in my DNA. My father drinks everyday and he recently moved in with his mail lady and dropped a lot of his furniture off at my apartment. I finished law school and I am studying for the bar exam. I am tired of feeling like a vacant ghost with no sense of self. I don't love any of my relatives and I think they are incredibly ill. Since I got sober I have noticed more resentment and anger directed at my attempts to gain some level of health.
Why? Does any one have any advice? I have blocked their numbers because they only make me feel bad. They are dumb as well and they pick on me for getting an education. I really hate them. If they died I would not care. Is that wrong? I am 31 and they treat me like a child. Any advice?
I am writing to ask if anyone can help me figure out why I am beginning to feel uneasy about my other family members. When I initially got sober I was vulnerable and scared. Today I feel better and I do not trust anyone in my family. The details are probably typical for alcoholic families but I think I have some bad stuff in my DNA. My father drinks everyday and he recently moved in with his mail lady and dropped a lot of his furniture off at my apartment. I finished law school and I am studying for the bar exam. I am tired of feeling like a vacant ghost with no sense of self. I don't love any of my relatives and I think they are incredibly ill. Since I got sober I have noticed more resentment and anger directed at my attempts to gain some level of health.
Why? Does any one have any advice? I have blocked their numbers because they only make me feel bad. They are dumb as well and they pick on me for getting an education. I really hate them. If they died I would not care. Is that wrong? I am 31 and they treat me like a child. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Talk to someone- go to al-anon, post here in family and friends. You cannot control them, but you can get on with your life- work on that. Hate? Feelings and emotions and thoughts just happen, they are not right or wrong. What we do with those th,heel,emot- that is what makes the difference. Emapthy and support to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Achelus, and welcome to our corner of recovery 
I know that feeling well. That is exactly how I felt when I first started working on my ACoA recovery. If you browse thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum you will find a lot of resources that will address exactly that problem.
My sense of self is perfectly normal. Just like all human beings it was built by observing my biological family as a child. It was the dysfunction that was not normal, not me. Once I took action and built my own sense of self separate from the dysfunction my life made a huge improvement.
That is quite common in dysfunctional families. It is like trying to take away a candy bar from a 4 year old, you are going to get a lot of temper tantrums for a long time.
They have done you a great deal of harm. Why would anyone not hate them? Now if that hatred leads you to take actions that are harmful then it is a problem for you.
Check out meeetings of ACoA. Shop around for a good therapist with a background in ACoA. Once in a while there will be a meeting of Al-Anon that focuses on ACoA issues, but those are rare. Read everything we have on this forum, check out our book list. Post any questions you may have.
Mike
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
.... I am tired of feeling like a vacant ghost with no sense of self. ....
My sense of self is perfectly normal. Just like all human beings it was built by observing my biological family as a child. It was the dysfunction that was not normal, not me. Once I took action and built my own sense of self separate from the dysfunction my life made a huge improvement.
Originally Posted by Acheleus
.... Since I got sober I have noticed more resentment and anger directed at my attempts to gain some level of health.....
Originally Posted by Acheleus
....I really hate them. If they died I would not care. Is that wrong? ....
Originally Posted by Acheleus
.... Any advice?....
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I've noticed similar things with my family-of-origin. I got sober and keep working on myself, and they keep doing the same thing they've always done. Nothing is wrong, and I'm wrong to change myself. I definitely get the "feeling" there's resentment towards my sobriety - although it's an unsaid anger - but very palpable. One sibling who actually talks about difficult topics said that "they're tired of seeing your fb posts about sobriety" and I responded with - they don't have to read them.
Imagine a crab pot. There's no lid on the pot because crabs grab and yank at one another and NO ONE gets out. They all pull each other down. Think of your family members resentment towards your sobriety and working on an education as pulls on your ankles as you exit the crab pot. They don't want you to exit because you wouldn't be in the pot with them anymore. Funny thing is, the sober lifestyle says, instead of pulling one another down, why don't we work together and we ALL get out? Don't be surprised that people you leave behind try to yank you back down.
Just keep on doing what you're doing and find other people with a similar outlook on life that will be part of the solution with helping hands and cooperation in getting out of the pot. Leave the ankle-yankers behind. You deserve to be healthy.
Imagine a crab pot. There's no lid on the pot because crabs grab and yank at one another and NO ONE gets out. They all pull each other down. Think of your family members resentment towards your sobriety and working on an education as pulls on your ankles as you exit the crab pot. They don't want you to exit because you wouldn't be in the pot with them anymore. Funny thing is, the sober lifestyle says, instead of pulling one another down, why don't we work together and we ALL get out? Don't be surprised that people you leave behind try to yank you back down.
Just keep on doing what you're doing and find other people with a similar outlook on life that will be part of the solution with helping hands and cooperation in getting out of the pot. Leave the ankle-yankers behind. You deserve to be healthy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
My family of origin was a "crab pot" too, with two different types of "crabs." The females in our family needed "whipping boys." Everything that was wrong with our family, was Dad's fault. Since I have male genitalia, they say that I am "just like Dad." I am under the impression that any other males in the family, whether native born or not, are fair game for their "crabfests."
When I decided that crabs could fly and sprung from all that, I left some people who were very upset!
When I decided that crabs could fly and sprung from all that, I left some people who were very upset!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I cut ties with my mother for similar reasons. She is a chronic alcoholic whose drinking got worse as I sobered up. According to the usual progression of alcoholism, she should have been dead many years ago. She must be about ninety now. She is a ball of resentment and not much else. She hated dad, who stuck with her till he died and gave me every support, and she hates the rest of his family, about one hundred of them. Personally, I think the only reason she is still with us is that God doesn't want the aggravation.
My sister is the same. I can identify with the crab pot analogy. They both have done everything they could think of to trip me up. I am a bit slow on the uptake and I didn't really notice the nastiness at the time. I put anything like that down to the effect my drinking had on them.
In recent years I have been traveling a lot, and met up with the rest of the family, who I really like. They are great people. My uncle, who has since died, told me about how concerned the family were at the way my mother treated me as a child. I didn't realize it at the time, but I have begun to put the pieces together.
The final straw was after my father had died. He was an engineer and had a wonderful home engineering workshop. I visited every weekend and spent time in there on my projects. He and I had done a lot together. I was also running his small business, taking no wages, to clear a debt that my mother would otherwise have been liable for.
One day I arrived at the house to discover all the machinery and tools, including some of mine had gone. She sold the whole lot without a word to me. I think she knew that was about the most hurtful thing she could do to me.
Neither she nor my sister would have anything to do with my children, my sister didn't come to my wedding, and neither of them attended my wife's funeral.
Really, it was not me cutting them off, it was them cutting themselves off. The more I tried to help them, the more anti they became. I eventually saw that I lacked the power to fix this and withdrew, detached whatever you want to call it. In my mind, alcohol took both of them a long time ago.
I don't feel bad about it. I don't hate them, I just don't want their disease in my life.
My sister is the same. I can identify with the crab pot analogy. They both have done everything they could think of to trip me up. I am a bit slow on the uptake and I didn't really notice the nastiness at the time. I put anything like that down to the effect my drinking had on them.
In recent years I have been traveling a lot, and met up with the rest of the family, who I really like. They are great people. My uncle, who has since died, told me about how concerned the family were at the way my mother treated me as a child. I didn't realize it at the time, but I have begun to put the pieces together.
The final straw was after my father had died. He was an engineer and had a wonderful home engineering workshop. I visited every weekend and spent time in there on my projects. He and I had done a lot together. I was also running his small business, taking no wages, to clear a debt that my mother would otherwise have been liable for.
One day I arrived at the house to discover all the machinery and tools, including some of mine had gone. She sold the whole lot without a word to me. I think she knew that was about the most hurtful thing she could do to me.
Neither she nor my sister would have anything to do with my children, my sister didn't come to my wedding, and neither of them attended my wife's funeral.
Really, it was not me cutting them off, it was them cutting themselves off. The more I tried to help them, the more anti they became. I eventually saw that I lacked the power to fix this and withdrew, detached whatever you want to call it. In my mind, alcohol took both of them a long time ago.
I don't feel bad about it. I don't hate them, I just don't want their disease in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
This is my experience: You can't run from family issues but you can set up boundaries.
I don't like my sister-in-law but she's rules to roost in my brothers family. Fine. I can see her once every couple of years and understand before I walk in the door she will make a few cutting digs.
I don't want to alienate my brother by saying something nasty so I tolerate his wife until she gets bored and finds something else to do.
My sister and I don't have a particularly close relationship either but it's not by any means negative either.
I'm not at war with anyone in my family and can attend weddings and other family functions when needed.
For me it's is important that I am on speaking terms with my family. I know a number of families including my cousins where members haven't spoken with either other for years.
To show you how f-up everybody is: My sister in law was raised in a family where her grandparents (mothers side) never visited once while she was growing up despite living 30 minutes away. Grandparents disapproved of her father.
One day years ago I pick up the phone at my mothers house and this man starts talking to me. Says he's my uncle. My mother's brother. Really? I'm what... 38 and never met the man. Rarely ever heard him spoken about. Apparently his wife badmouth my mom/dad and that was the end of that.
Personally, I as long as I have a cordial relationship with my family members that's fine with me. Same with my in-laws. We're all on speaking terms but hardly see each other and that's o.k.
I don't like my sister-in-law but she's rules to roost in my brothers family. Fine. I can see her once every couple of years and understand before I walk in the door she will make a few cutting digs.
I don't want to alienate my brother by saying something nasty so I tolerate his wife until she gets bored and finds something else to do.
My sister and I don't have a particularly close relationship either but it's not by any means negative either.
I'm not at war with anyone in my family and can attend weddings and other family functions when needed.
For me it's is important that I am on speaking terms with my family. I know a number of families including my cousins where members haven't spoken with either other for years.
To show you how f-up everybody is: My sister in law was raised in a family where her grandparents (mothers side) never visited once while she was growing up despite living 30 minutes away. Grandparents disapproved of her father.
One day years ago I pick up the phone at my mothers house and this man starts talking to me. Says he's my uncle. My mother's brother. Really? I'm what... 38 and never met the man. Rarely ever heard him spoken about. Apparently his wife badmouth my mom/dad and that was the end of that.
Personally, I as long as I have a cordial relationship with my family members that's fine with me. Same with my in-laws. We're all on speaking terms but hardly see each other and that's o.k.
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