Help & Advice for children & young people of alcoholics
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Help & Advice for children & young people of alcoholics
Do you...
Feel too embarrassed to take friends home?
Feel confused when your mum or dad change when they drink?
Feel nobody really cares what happens to you?
Feel guilty and don’t know why?
Feel different from other children?
Keep secrets about problems in your family?
Tell lies to cover up for someone’s drinking?
Believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?
You are not alone.
What you can do
Find out more about alcohol and the effects on the family
Understanding how alcohol affects the person drinking and everyone else in the family can help you make some sense of the chaos that often exists when a parent has a drink problem. This can make it easier for you to cope with what’s going on. To find out more, see the Information section.
To look at some frequently asked questions, see our young peoples FAQ's.
Remember you are not responsible for other people’s drinking
You can’t control someone else’s drinking or behaviour. Pouring away, watering down or hiding alcohol may make things worse, and the person drinking may become angry, aggressive or secretive. Remember your mum or dad’s drinking is not, and never was, your fault.
Try to remember the six Cs
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Remember alcohol affects the brain
Alcohol can make people forget things. They often don’t remember silly, embarrassing or other things they have done when drunk; these are known as memory blackouts. Try not to argue with your parent when they are drinking; it may make things worse; they may say things they normally wouldn’t and will often not remember the conversation later.
Be realistic
When someone has a drink problem, alcohol often becomes their main priority. The need to drink becomes so important that they may hurt and upset people they love. Promises are often made that are not kept. This can be very difficult for everyone in the family. Young people may feel let down or forgotten.
Your mum or dad can only stop drinking when they are ready.
There is help available, but they have to accept that they have a problem and want to stop. However, it can be comforting to know what help is out there, so you may wish to read Help for People with Alcohol Problems. If you do want to try talking to them about their drinking and its effect on you, read our Talking to Someone About Their Drinking information sheet for some ideas on how to raise the issue. Remember, it is not your responsibility to stop your parent drinking. It is important to look after yourself first.
Ways to feel better
Talk to someone you trust
Talk about how you are feeling to a friend, relative, teacher or Nacoa. This is not being disloyal to your family and it can make you feel less alone. Sharing your feelings can help you feel better. At Nacoa we understand what it can be like when a parent has a drink problem. We will listen and we won’t judge; you can trust us.
Make time for yourself
You are important too. Find time for things that interest you, whether it’s sport or hobbies, going for a walk, reading a book or watching TV, walking the dog or just meeting up with friends. Perhaps join an after-school, youth or sports club, a Scout or Girl Guide group, or find people with similar interests. Sometimes worries can take over, and taking a break (even if just for a short while) can help you to feel less stressed.
Understand that your feelings are normal
It’s OK to hate the problems that alcoholism cause, yet love the person who is drinking. Alcohol problems in the family can result in a lot of complicated, confusing and upsetting feelings. Talking and writing about your feelings can help you make sense of them. Some people like to keep a daily journal, write poems, or draw and paint. Sometimes, people find it helpful to write a letter to their parent(s) explaining how they feel – a way to externalise experiences and emotional pain. Some people write with no intention of sending the letter.
Read people’s experiences
Hearing about the experiences of other people often helps to make sense of our own feelings, and helps us to feel less alone. Although every family is unique, there are many similarities in how alcohol problems affect the family. To read other young people’s experiences see the Experiences section.
Read about the problem
For books that may be helpful when a parent has, or has had, a drink problem see our Books section. Some of these books may be available at your local library.
(Used with permission from Nacoa) (National Association Children Of Alcoholics)
Feel too embarrassed to take friends home?
Feel confused when your mum or dad change when they drink?
Feel nobody really cares what happens to you?
Feel guilty and don’t know why?
Feel different from other children?
Keep secrets about problems in your family?
Tell lies to cover up for someone’s drinking?
Believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?
You are not alone.
What you can do
Find out more about alcohol and the effects on the family
Understanding how alcohol affects the person drinking and everyone else in the family can help you make some sense of the chaos that often exists when a parent has a drink problem. This can make it easier for you to cope with what’s going on. To find out more, see the Information section.
To look at some frequently asked questions, see our young peoples FAQ's.
Remember you are not responsible for other people’s drinking
You can’t control someone else’s drinking or behaviour. Pouring away, watering down or hiding alcohol may make things worse, and the person drinking may become angry, aggressive or secretive. Remember your mum or dad’s drinking is not, and never was, your fault.
Try to remember the six Cs
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Remember alcohol affects the brain
Alcohol can make people forget things. They often don’t remember silly, embarrassing or other things they have done when drunk; these are known as memory blackouts. Try not to argue with your parent when they are drinking; it may make things worse; they may say things they normally wouldn’t and will often not remember the conversation later.
Be realistic
When someone has a drink problem, alcohol often becomes their main priority. The need to drink becomes so important that they may hurt and upset people they love. Promises are often made that are not kept. This can be very difficult for everyone in the family. Young people may feel let down or forgotten.
Your mum or dad can only stop drinking when they are ready.
There is help available, but they have to accept that they have a problem and want to stop. However, it can be comforting to know what help is out there, so you may wish to read Help for People with Alcohol Problems. If you do want to try talking to them about their drinking and its effect on you, read our Talking to Someone About Their Drinking information sheet for some ideas on how to raise the issue. Remember, it is not your responsibility to stop your parent drinking. It is important to look after yourself first.
Ways to feel better
Talk to someone you trust
Talk about how you are feeling to a friend, relative, teacher or Nacoa. This is not being disloyal to your family and it can make you feel less alone. Sharing your feelings can help you feel better. At Nacoa we understand what it can be like when a parent has a drink problem. We will listen and we won’t judge; you can trust us.
Make time for yourself
You are important too. Find time for things that interest you, whether it’s sport or hobbies, going for a walk, reading a book or watching TV, walking the dog or just meeting up with friends. Perhaps join an after-school, youth or sports club, a Scout or Girl Guide group, or find people with similar interests. Sometimes worries can take over, and taking a break (even if just for a short while) can help you to feel less stressed.
Understand that your feelings are normal
It’s OK to hate the problems that alcoholism cause, yet love the person who is drinking. Alcohol problems in the family can result in a lot of complicated, confusing and upsetting feelings. Talking and writing about your feelings can help you make sense of them. Some people like to keep a daily journal, write poems, or draw and paint. Sometimes, people find it helpful to write a letter to their parent(s) explaining how they feel – a way to externalise experiences and emotional pain. Some people write with no intention of sending the letter.
Read people’s experiences
Hearing about the experiences of other people often helps to make sense of our own feelings, and helps us to feel less alone. Although every family is unique, there are many similarities in how alcohol problems affect the family. To read other young people’s experiences see the Experiences section.
Read about the problem
For books that may be helpful when a parent has, or has had, a drink problem see our Books section. Some of these books may be available at your local library.
(Used with permission from Nacoa) (National Association Children Of Alcoholics)
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