Confusedpup1

My mom is an alcoholic and I find myself desperately struggling to understand why she continues doing what she's doing and also why there seems to be no bottom.

My mother never drank when I was growing up-I had a wonderful childhood.

After I left for college my mom started drinking and it has been on and off for years. She drank to excess, lost all of her savings and a job. She managed to get sober after that but relapsed last year and she now goes on frequent binges that leave her completely incapacitated. She is currently in the hospital detoxing and I had to call in to work to take her there...again.

She fell last year and nearly died. I came home from a weekend trip and found the house covered in blood smears and pools and her lying in bed with a hole in her head. She was unresponsive and virtually catatonic. She ended up sustaining no permanent damage but it scared the hell out of me.

She says every single time it is the last time and that she will get better. She lies to my face about the drinking. Her mood swings are awful and we fight constantly and I have little to no patience left. She blames me for everything. If water spills from a vase, I shouldn't have gotten flowers.

I'm at my wit's end. I am an only child and my father left before I was born. I have no extended family and I am contemplating cutting ties with her. I worry for her pets but I can't take all of them. And I am so guilt ridden because she did so much for mI growing up.

How do you ever forgive yourself if something happens and you aren't there? Right now if I'm gone one night I am terrified she will burn the house down or accidentally hurt the dogs or herself.

I don't know what I can do. I live with her and I'm making plans to move elsewhere but I don't know how I'd forgive myself if I left and she drank herself to death.

Should I walk away? What can I do to assuage the guilt?

My mom used to be such a wonderful person but the monster she is now is impossible to deal with. We come from a family of alcoholics and I can't comprehend how she ended up doing the same.

I'm also terrified of losing the only family I have left and can't see why her selfishness isn't evident to her.

I am constantly anxious, have had to call into work, have relapsed in my own eating disorder. I can't sleep at all and I work nights so it becomes increasingly more difficult to function. I feel like I have an adult child that I never signed up for. My relationship with my boyfriend is suffering because I'm always worried about this and he doesn't want to be around her so now I have to drive an hour plus one way if I want to see him. I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Believe me I'm not perfect and whe often has a right to be upset with me too, but I truly don't understand alcoholism.

What can I do for myself and for her?

PhoenixJ

CP1- Addiction sucks. When in it's grips- the victim knows nothing else except the next drink, regardless of the consequences. I would suggest you go to an Al- anon meeting. Stay safe. You cannot control your mum or what she does. She is on her own path- lonely as that is. Logic and emotion clash at times like this. I would think you will need support- for you in this.
I offer my thoughts and support to you. PJ

JamesMR

Having an addicted parent is the worst thing you can expect in your life. From my experience, I can attest that this is a horrific situation. However, you're fortunate enough to be grown up now - for you can understand situation better now and that the effects on you wouldn't be as adverse as if you were a growing up child.

A good starting point towards recovery could be to strengthen your relationship. Encourage open discussions, explain that she's suffering from a disease, talk about the effects of her addiction on the whole family, and how she can recover.

My best advice would be to not leave your mom alone in this situation. Fight for her as she did for you in your childhood, and persist until she gets back on track.

ajarlson

Get yourself to Alanon and if possible, to a therapist. My experience was a little different in that my mom was an alcoholic my whole life and my grandparents mostly raised me, but when she got older she just expected me to take care of her while she drank and took pills. Even without the ties you have, I felt extremely guilty and responsible so I can't imagine what you're going through but it sounds like you're on the edge and I know that place. The first thing my therapist said was to begin by setting reasonable boundaries, i.e. I won't buy you alcohol, I won't talk to you when you're drunk etc. She ignored those boundaries from the first moment I put them down and I ended up NC until she passed away. I still see my counselor every now and then to clarify things and work through emotions. Good luck, this is a good group with lots of life experience. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Maudcat

I would start going to AL-Anon meetings, Confused. There is so much experience, strength and hope in the meetings. It will help you to clarify your thoughts and emotions about your mother's drinking.
You are not responsible for your parent's choice. Nor can you make her stop drinking. It is possible to be supportive without being pulled down by your mother's drinking, but that is often not intuitive. When you see how others cope with a loved one's drinking, you will realize that you are not alone, that you have support, and that you can find peace whether your mother drinks or doesn't. Peace.

NWGRITS

Another recommendation for Al-Anon. What you'll read here and hear in meetings may sound counter-productive but in time it will all make sense. Our society is largely to blame for why so many of us don't seek help for ourselves until later in life. Our "love them to death" approach isn't healthy for us or them. I hope you'll stick around and read the boards here. There are lots of great resources in the stickies here and in the Friends & Family board.

Whitetara12

This sounds familiar. My mom was not the drinker, my father was. But the dynamic was the same -- everything was my responsibility and she was the victim of the world. At some point I realized that I needed to tell her she was responsible for her decisions, not me -- even when they could be lethal to her. But I could not do it until I was ready to set some boundaries and take care of myself. . Speak from the "I" whenever you can -- as in "I don't agree mom." Or -- "When you drink, I feel _______ " fill in that adjective with an emotion that refers to you -- not her. As in "I feel...upset, scared, frustrated". What's going on for her is about her. What's going on for you is about you. Begin the work of separating you from her. Ask a higher power for help if you have one. I found that the sincere intention of getting healthier carried me forward. Keep sharing...there are so many of us who've gone through what you are. We are a huge club and you're not alone... get some help. Alanon or ACOA meetings. And therapy if you can...just talking it through can make big differences.