Met my mother at Christmas Mass

Old 12-24-2016, 09:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Met my mother at Christmas Mass

Background: years of ugliness we all know from our alcoholic backgrounds, including my mother telling people--even my high school friends--negative and untrue things about me. One day I just quit calling. She never called me, either.

Toss in the rest of the ugliness of an alcoholic family, including physical violence, scapegoating, rages at holiday dinners, and more and I quit attending family gatherings. I have not brought my kids because I know the kinds of things said about me behind my back.

After church, my mother saw my son, started to talk to him, and I came out, and headed out toward the car with him. She had a few words for me.

I was pleasant. I asked her--hoping she'd see the point--when she had last called me, hoping she'd stop and think that maybe at the very least, I may not be entirely responsible for this situation, that maybe things feel a little different from where I'm standing.

It was clear from her response that, as always, the family narrative is that things are always, entirely, my fault. Always. That they're perfect and I just flipped out for no reason and started withholding my children from them. Sigh.

She was bitter and angry. So much for a Christmas miracle.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-25-2016, 06:03 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I'm very sorry to hear of your experience EveningRose!!

It can be very frustrating dealing with alcoholic family members, the problem is they may never change, and they may never have that moment of clarity that we wish them to have, for me my dad never did and eventually died of his alcoholism.

The important thing is to not rest your own happiness on what your mum may or may not do, but instead rest it on living your own life and enjoying this time of year with your son, those things are within our control, whereas what other family members do, sadly we cannot change, and they themselves may never change.

I spent soo much time waiting and getting caught up in the frustration of dealing with my dad, and in the end it didn't make a difference, don't waste anymore time on something that may never happen!!

You're also not alone in this, SR is here for you!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
Old 12-25-2016, 09:43 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by PurpleKnight View Post

The important thing is to not rest your own happiness on what your mum may or may not do, but instead rest it on living your own life and enjoying this time of year with your son, those things are within our control, whereas what other family members do, sadly we cannot change, and they themselves may never change.
For whatever reason, the incident actually left me with a sense of peace. I've been dealing with this for 7 or 8 years, maybe 10 (depending which ugly event you count from.) I know they're not going to change and the first thing I realized on going no contact was...I don't actually miss any of them! It was eye-opening as to how much there was nothing to miss.

My only concern, ever, is that they're telling my kids these things--my ex-husband takes the kids to spend time with them often and my older kids go on their own and will spend part of every holiday with them.

I've already seen how it's impacted one of my siblings' and one of my own kids--because they buy the family story, they feel free to completely disrespect me.

My hope rests in continuing to live my life as I do, and that one day they finally see who I am and what they're told just aren't matching up as the same person. If my kids get sucked into the lies, I still know for myself that I lived with integrity and lived well.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-25-2016, 07:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
My hope rests in continuing to live my life as I do, and that one day they finally see who I am and what they're told just aren't matching up as the same person. If my kids get sucked into the lies, I still know for myself that I lived with integrity and lived well.
For me, this is a really good attitude.

I went to Christmas Eve Mass last night: was in a great, spiritual Christmas spirit... You must have gone in with a similar attitude, only to have it disrupted by your mother. So sad... nothing you could have done... but you took the high road, and you should feel great for doing so.

Merry Christmas!
MikeH is offline  
Old 12-25-2016, 09:39 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I reflected on it a bit today and realized...she apparently didn't care at all that I have not spent holidays with them. She was angry that I don't let my kids go to see them.

There was an attitude that they somehow have a right to my kids, right along with an underlying attitude that I, as their parent, am simply of no consequence.

I've seen this from my siblings before--where they treat me as if I'm even less than a nanny, nothing more than the housekeeper for these kids, and don't have to be consulted at all.

But then, I've seen them do this with an in-law they don't like--treat her as if her husband is their nephew/son/grandson, rather than her husband, as if she simply has no say her own marriage but they somehow do.

Is this a typical thing in alcoholic or dysfunctional families?
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-27-2016, 06:04 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
tromboneliness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
I reflected on it a bit today and realized...she apparently didn't care at all that I have not spent holidays with them. She was angry that I don't let my kids go to see them. ... Is this a typical thing in alcoholic or dysfunctional families?
For a narcissist (in the clinical sense, not the layman's), it sounds pretty typical.

It's a good thing she doesn't know how to use Twitter: "Went to Xmas Mass. As usual, #IngrateRose snubbed me. SO SAD!"
tromboneliness is offline  
Old 12-27-2016, 06:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by tromboneliness View Post
For a narcissist (in the clinical sense, not the layman's), it sounds pretty typical.

It's a good thing she doesn't know how to use Twitter: "Went to Xmas Mass. As usual, #IngrateRose snubbed me. SO SAD!"
She is a Master Monologuer. It would be absolutely impossible for her to say what she has to say in less than 99,000,000,000 characters, so twitter is safe at least! ;-)

The entire family seems to have this attitude that my children are somehow 'theirs' and I am of no consequence, just a shadow in the background interfering. But then, they've all been infected with what they've been raised with.
EveningRose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:00 AM.