Bellamiaa

I hope this helps someone... It helped me.

Unloved Daughters and the Problem of Belonging | Knotted: The Mother-Daughter Relationship

<3

Carpathia

Thanks for taking time to post it.

My mother contended with an early childhood illness which sent her to an institution for almost two years. As I go through therapy and work a program of recovery, I wonder how her unhealed wounds stunted her growth? I'm only beginning to understand how they stunted my own and that of my siblings.

EveningRose

My question is...how do we heal from this background? Since moving home, I've really become aware of how convoluted and messed up my childhood was, of what my mother really thinks of me, and I've guessed at some of the reasons behind it--which go even deeper into the family illness and dysfunction.

So here I am, feeling that this article is true, but how do we finally move beyond it? My mother's twisted thinking and decades of her spouting off everything she thinks about everyone HAVE impacted my ability to have good relationships with extended family, with my siblings, and even impacted my children.

The fact that these things aren't true isn't very helpful (except in giving me hope the truth eventually comes out).

Maudcat

My good friend tried many times and failed to have a relationship with her mother, who was hypercritical and not at all supportive. My friend finally recognized that her mother has her own unhealed wounds from HER mother. Having the insight was enormously helpful for my friend, but she is still estranged from her parents. She feels that it is the best way, right now, to keep her mental health intact.

August252015

I see a lot of my mom's relationship with HER mother in this article; certainly aspects of this kind of dynamic therefore made it into ours.

My mother was the things a mother is "supposed" to be- the loving, make you feel worthy, supportingly reflective stuff- til I was 11 and she became actively alcoholic. Then things went off the charts; certainly there were cracks in her behavior before that, and as I try to untangle the complicated and sometimes toxic nature of our relationship in sobriety, there are certainly lots of layers. I'd also add that for me, our relationship has always swung from "unloved" to "too loved." Understanding the appropriate balance and having boundaries, and the connection from those to my self-view and wholeness, are huge challenges.

Enough of this resonated with me to relate, for sure.

Thanks for sharing.

DesertEyes

What I have come to realize is that healing from my own ACA background came in the 3 stages promoted by the 12 step programe, sometimes known as the "Three A's".

First I had to be "Aware" of the issues in my life, which is what these kinds of article are designed to promote. To me awareness means stopping the denial that I had towards the dysfunction in my family of origin.

( I don't know why they call it dysfunction, I think that is just too politically correct a term. It was plain insanity.)

Getting rid of the denial is part of the second A, which is "Acceptance." Yes, I came from a chaotic, alcoholic and clearly insane family. And no, none of that is my fault, or has any bearing on who I choose to be.

The third A, "Action", is where I acturally started to heal. I attended a lot of meetings of ACA and al-anon, which were very helpful in reinforcing the Awareness and Acceptance. I could see and hear how other people were working their own recovery, and felt less and less different from the rest of humanity. I also heard what specific activities they took which were helping them. Things like "gratitude lists", "family of choice", "inner child", "self care".

I also went to the local University and got some free counseling. That was huge as they had a long list of specific activities that I could do. Things like buying just _one_ small thing to make my apartment just a little bit more colorful and comfortable. Small and simple. Not so big as to make me feel that I don't deserve it, but big enough to be noticeable. Like getting a small pot at a garage sale, digging up a flower from an empty lot and putting it in my kitchen.

There were many other "excercises" like that. I am a slow learner, but over the years all those excercises really did work and I managed to shake off most of my "baggage". Okay, so I'm not done yet. I still have a couple of carry-ons to get rid off, but I'm getting there

Mike

Lizzy201

Hmmm... Inthink I've read this article before. It makes a lot of sense. Unravelling the mother stuff has been trickier for me that the father stuff.

irisgardens

This article was similar to a few I 'found' yesterday. Going through a period of immense emotional pain...and although have been working on myself for over 2 decades, the issues keep coming, as I have had all 3 of my girls use/addicted to drugs. It has taken everything I have/had literally-and I am grateful that the first 2 are functional and managing their own lives and being loving mothers to their own children. This is a blessing.

However, my 3rd daughter is on the streets of SF (my husband and I see/talk to her as weekly as possible-usually means that we have to go find her or wait outside her methadone clinic which is a good step she took and seems to keep up with). Over the past 21 years since oldest daughter used and I finally didn't have the strength to do what had done before...instinctively didn't share with parents or siblings-but did started then-have learned that my 'christian' family won't touch these things with a 10 foot pole...and over time, have somehow become aware of all the denial I was in and worked hard to preserve.

Have no covering any more and it is obvious how very alone I was (also trying to 'save' younger siblings)-and how alone I am. Right now having obsessive and negative thoughts about family of origin (have to let go of something), and just trying to make it through. I was/am a 'talker', but since the shunning/avoidance started after Dad's death 16 years ago...afraid to say much, because have been told I deserve every bad thing that has happened, learned that mother/sister friendship was very much based on me fulfilling their emotional needs, and that brothers just enabled by ignoring...and I finally know there is no 'there' there.

There is no battle to fight as did so often and frequently before to help extended family with emotional/illness crisis-there are few resources-and I feel old and used up.

I also feel as if all the things done over 21 years (& I learned to look for, ask for help, etc) are not working anymore and that these obsessive thoughts are proof that it is/was all my fault (this was worked on years ago and am logical enough to have come to realize over 16 years that that is impossible), but for some reason-going through a very hard time...and feel totally powerless-all can do is the telling my daughter I love her and asking her occasionally what she is working on now, and then trying to understand the garbled speech. Working to stay in this moment only, and to feel as much as can and process.

Very tearful and the processing is very slow and difficult...and right now, it is what I am doing...and can't really focus on doing other things. Going through storage to downsize which is a trigger I know, and also facing that I cannot do business as used to and that the way my siblings are (and parents were) was all about business success/survival and not about caring/being human beings together.

The thoughts pass my mind that maybe I was/still am the one who is so different as to be unacceptable to the world...can't get out of this and need help, but have tried so much for so much time...that this feels like a bottom. Believe it is a lot due to daughter's condition and the learning from many years-I cannot make her be willing. But that, in itself, is like a bleeding wound...and I feel as if I am dying alive...even though will not abandon her as have come to realize I experienced and the cost of it.

Sorry for being so long-never mastered the art of concise and now I blame myself for being to lengthy (so almost as if whatever I get through-find another place to blame and find myself unacceptable).

EveningRose

I'm sorry for your pain, irisgardens.

I felt I could have written much of your post, too. I suspect many here will relate to it.

I wish I could say I have an answer but I, too, work and work and work at this finding peace in the face of their insanity, and it seems it's going to be a weekly struggle if not daily.

Every time I think I've managed to come to some peace with the way things are, it seems they find a way to dig in deeper. Now, during holidays, I'm having to cope once again with the fact that my 'family' has entirely sided with XH. The man lied to me, cheated on me, dug us 10s of 1000s of $ into debt with no explanation where the money went, I was scrambling to work more and more hours, which meant missing my children's lives, finally realized I couldn't keep up with his spending no matter what I did, and then he stole money from me--a couple of thousand in a month. He's also telling blatant lies about me, which affect people's belief about my character.

Mother wounds...yeah it's great to find out years later that your mother would say negative things about you even to your own friends every time you left the room while you were in school.

And my family...drum roll...is telling people I make things up and now they and he celebrate Thanksgiving and holidays together and my kids head on over where they can be with everyone.

Yes, it's very hard to get over it and move on when I'm still paying the price every day, because the ugly --and untrue--things she has said about me for years have people believing these things and treating me as if I actually am that person. In short, she's made it difficult if not impossible for me to have good relationships with my siblings and extended family and now it's impacting my kids, too.

irisgardens

Evening Rose, thank you so much for your precious response. It is hard for me to write (can self criticize anything) and your story was so understanding that I know you understand.

I am so sorry about the bonding with your XH. Yes, have gone through that a lot-and then something happened where mother and husband made a deal happen that I am living with and I simply had to drop mother-it had been 13 years of me trying mega hard (like in hyper-drive) as mother and sister were awful (this is an understatement) and told me what they really thought of me (after Dad died and I was a major component in compassionate care as we went through 11 years of his last years and I also was working on recovering from a child who died).

Just know that it is such a comfort to know that you were able to understand and relate, and that I have been taking steps for 27 years now-since our child died of SIDS and things happened within my family that were all judged. I cried when I read your post--out of gratitude--so often feel as if I am the ugly, icky person and when the obsessive thoughts come back-as they have the past 4 weeks or so-and I know I am also angry, but choose not to tell (anymore-as tried that and the siblings all are either just distant...or they are totally immersed in the family dynamics).

I am grateful that my dad lived as long as he did and that I could help during his last years (it helped me a lot to deal with my son's death and I am at peace with that)-but the total lack of compassion, understanding-interference with my children especially when one was in a very hard place with drugs and they enabled her and made things worse-and refused to support me (I did the best things recommended-found people who could tell me) and told me I deserved it. My husband helped a lot too, and that makes me understand how good a heart he has.

You are a blessing for me...thank you so much. I am praying for you if ok-it is a hard row and the holidays are especially hard.