Mother is a huge trigger for my own alcoholism (sort of a dual topic post)
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Mother is a huge trigger for my own alcoholism (sort of a dual topic post)
I haven't been here for probably years, but since I've posted I've gone back into my own addiction/alcoholism (alcohol being my mind altering substance of choice at this point).
Triggers are fear, anger, not feeling respected, resentment, shame, etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my own sobriety right now.
I am a grown adult with a 5 year-old and a new baby, and my husband and I have recently (by chance, or by fate) relocated back to my hometown, where most of my family lives. I haven't lived here for over 20 years, for very good reason.
We have put ourselves in a position to depend on my mom for babysitting, picking my son up from school, etc. This isn't working for my recovery.
When I'm doing well spiritually and feeling good about my recovery, it's almost as though her spidy senses start tingling, and she feels the need to push my boundaries. Consistently.
I've set my boundaries firmly. Not always perfectly, but I'm doing my best not to engage much in stupid arguments while simultaneously standing up for what is right for me, and not allowing myself to feel walked over by my mother.
And yet she keeps pushing. She's toxic. I have my own mental, emotional, and spiritual issues that need to be addressed, and one encounter with her can (and will) put me in a space where I'm in danger of allowing my own recovery to fall apart. It has happened already in the past, and I am at a point now where I have to have her out of my life, mostly.
I have a birthday party to attend with my son today, and she is scheduled to watch the baby. She is absolutely the last person who would be healthy for me to be around even for a few minutes today, and my son really wants me to go to the party with him (and my husband). I want to go to the party with them. But I don't want to see my mom.
She is scheduled to pick him up from school tomorrow, and although I'm wary of bringing a small, unvaccinated baby into a school full of the coughs and colds and flus that children tend to get, it's almost worth it for me to pack up the baby and just pick him up myself.
Obviously, that's a pain in the butt, but probably not a threat to my sobriety.
I really just needed to get this off my chest.
So thank you if you've read this, prayers and/or positive thoughts for my recovery are welcome.
Triggers are fear, anger, not feeling respected, resentment, shame, etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my own sobriety right now.
I am a grown adult with a 5 year-old and a new baby, and my husband and I have recently (by chance, or by fate) relocated back to my hometown, where most of my family lives. I haven't lived here for over 20 years, for very good reason.
We have put ourselves in a position to depend on my mom for babysitting, picking my son up from school, etc. This isn't working for my recovery.
When I'm doing well spiritually and feeling good about my recovery, it's almost as though her spidy senses start tingling, and she feels the need to push my boundaries. Consistently.
I've set my boundaries firmly. Not always perfectly, but I'm doing my best not to engage much in stupid arguments while simultaneously standing up for what is right for me, and not allowing myself to feel walked over by my mother.
And yet she keeps pushing. She's toxic. I have my own mental, emotional, and spiritual issues that need to be addressed, and one encounter with her can (and will) put me in a space where I'm in danger of allowing my own recovery to fall apart. It has happened already in the past, and I am at a point now where I have to have her out of my life, mostly.
I have a birthday party to attend with my son today, and she is scheduled to watch the baby. She is absolutely the last person who would be healthy for me to be around even for a few minutes today, and my son really wants me to go to the party with him (and my husband). I want to go to the party with them. But I don't want to see my mom.
She is scheduled to pick him up from school tomorrow, and although I'm wary of bringing a small, unvaccinated baby into a school full of the coughs and colds and flus that children tend to get, it's almost worth it for me to pack up the baby and just pick him up myself.
Obviously, that's a pain in the butt, but probably not a threat to my sobriety.
I really just needed to get this off my chest.
So thank you if you've read this, prayers and/or positive thoughts for my recovery are welcome.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello Plath, and welcome to this little corner of recovery
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't feel ignored.
If you look thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum you will find a lot of good information that might be useful to you.
We have another forum that you might want to look into. It's more active and focused on dealing with family members who are still a direct impact on our lives
Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
An organization you may want to check out, is Al-Anon. You can find them here:
http://www.al-anon.org/
I found their meetings to be extremely helpful. Look thru their meeting directory for your part of the world and see if they have a meeting that focuses on parents or immedidate family. Sometimes these "focused" meetings will not actually say that in the directory and you may have to shop around a bit.
Mike
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't feel ignored.
If you look thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum you will find a lot of good information that might be useful to you.
We have another forum that you might want to look into. It's more active and focused on dealing with family members who are still a direct impact on our lives
Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
An organization you may want to check out, is Al-Anon. You can find them here:
http://www.al-anon.org/
I found their meetings to be extremely helpful. Look thru their meeting directory for your part of the world and see if they have a meeting that focuses on parents or immedidate family. Sometimes these "focused" meetings will not actually say that in the directory and you may have to shop around a bit.
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 926
Hi Plath,
That sounds a pretty grim situation for sure.
However, you will never be able to change your mum. Your only option is to change the way you feel about/ react to her. Easier said then done but it doesn't sound like you have a choice?
The hippy in me would say write down everything she does to trigger you and all the buttons she pushes. One by one, say them out loud as a mantra and put "but I still love you" on the end.
Then the next time you see her, rather than react and push against her, smother her in love, take her flowers, tell her you love her, buy her a coffee, send her a letter, tell her how nice she looks. Be the alkali to her acid and totally disarm her.
The psychologist in me would say, she's clearly stuck emotionally, if you want the relationship to continue then you will have to accept the role as you of the parent and your mother as the child. She's angry and she's hurt about something that she's taking out on you. Try and find out what it is. Maybe she resents you.
The counsellor in me would say, you are 100% correct not to allow anything to jeopardise your own recovery and remove yourself from situations which might trigger you. It's a shame though because nothing's going to get resolved.
I really feel for you. I've had mother issues for years, she's a big part of my own messed-up-edness and at times I've wanted to scream at her. That said I've done loads of work on it, I've been open and honest with her, I've talked to her about how to avoid triggering me when I've met up with her. We get on better now than we ever have. She even stayed at my house a few weeks ago and we both survived!
It can be done, good luck. :-)
That sounds a pretty grim situation for sure.
However, you will never be able to change your mum. Your only option is to change the way you feel about/ react to her. Easier said then done but it doesn't sound like you have a choice?
The hippy in me would say write down everything she does to trigger you and all the buttons she pushes. One by one, say them out loud as a mantra and put "but I still love you" on the end.
Then the next time you see her, rather than react and push against her, smother her in love, take her flowers, tell her you love her, buy her a coffee, send her a letter, tell her how nice she looks. Be the alkali to her acid and totally disarm her.
The psychologist in me would say, she's clearly stuck emotionally, if you want the relationship to continue then you will have to accept the role as you of the parent and your mother as the child. She's angry and she's hurt about something that she's taking out on you. Try and find out what it is. Maybe she resents you.
The counsellor in me would say, you are 100% correct not to allow anything to jeopardise your own recovery and remove yourself from situations which might trigger you. It's a shame though because nothing's going to get resolved.
I really feel for you. I've had mother issues for years, she's a big part of my own messed-up-edness and at times I've wanted to scream at her. That said I've done loads of work on it, I've been open and honest with her, I've talked to her about how to avoid triggering me when I've met up with her. We get on better now than we ever have. She even stayed at my house a few weeks ago and we both survived!
It can be done, good luck. :-)
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Hey there, Mike. It's nice to "see" you again. I used to post here fairly regularly, but became preoccupied. And, as I was not living near my mother at the time, it became a reasonably tolerable situation for me.
My mom is not an active alcoholic. She has never been, but was raised by one, and demonstrates all of the toxic behaviors of someone in active addiction/alcoholism, without the actual addiction.
So that complicates my choices for forums and meetings, a bit.
But I've found solid, good advice from people here before, and I do love the SR forums. Now that I'm grappling with my own alcoholism, it's even more imperative that I learn to deal with people in a way that's not confrontational, but still allows me to maintain my boundaries.
And thank you for the welcome. I will confess that I was wondering why no one had replied yet, lol.
It's good to be back.
My mom is not an active alcoholic. She has never been, but was raised by one, and demonstrates all of the toxic behaviors of someone in active addiction/alcoholism, without the actual addiction.
So that complicates my choices for forums and meetings, a bit.
But I've found solid, good advice from people here before, and I do love the SR forums. Now that I'm grappling with my own alcoholism, it's even more imperative that I learn to deal with people in a way that's not confrontational, but still allows me to maintain my boundaries.
And thank you for the welcome. I will confess that I was wondering why no one had replied yet, lol.
It's good to be back.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 926
Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
.........Hello Plath, and welcome to this little corner of recovery
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't ...........
Mike
This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't ...........
Mike
All good I hope. :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 926
Hi Plath,
That sounds a pretty grim situation for sure.
However, you will never be able to change your mum. Your only option is to change the way you feel about/ react to her. Easier said then done but it doesn't sound like you have a choice?
The hippy in me would say write down everything she does to trigger you and all the buttons she pushes. One by one, say them out loud as a mantra and put "but I still love you" on the end.
Then the next time you see her, rather than react and push against her, smother her in love, take her flowers, tell her you love her, buy her a coffee, send her a letter, tell her how nice she looks. Be the alkali to her acid and totally disarm her.
The psychologist in me would say, she's clearly stuck emotionally, if you want the relationship to continue then you will have to accept the role as you of the parent and your mother as the child. She's angry and she's hurt about something that she's taking out on you. Try and find out what it is. Maybe she resents you.
The counsellor in me would say, you are 100% correct not to allow anything to jeopardise your own recovery and remove yourself from situations which might trigger you. It's a shame though because nothing's going to get resolved.
I really feel for you. I've had mother issues for years, she's a big part of my own messed-up-edness and at times I've wanted to scream at her. That said I've done loads of work on it, I've been open and honest with her, I've talked to her about how to avoid triggering me when I've met up with her. We get on better now than we ever have. She even stayed at my house a few weeks ago and we both survived!
It can be done, good luck. :-)
That sounds a pretty grim situation for sure.
However, you will never be able to change your mum. Your only option is to change the way you feel about/ react to her. Easier said then done but it doesn't sound like you have a choice?
The hippy in me would say write down everything she does to trigger you and all the buttons she pushes. One by one, say them out loud as a mantra and put "but I still love you" on the end.
Then the next time you see her, rather than react and push against her, smother her in love, take her flowers, tell her you love her, buy her a coffee, send her a letter, tell her how nice she looks. Be the alkali to her acid and totally disarm her.
The psychologist in me would say, she's clearly stuck emotionally, if you want the relationship to continue then you will have to accept the role as you of the parent and your mother as the child. She's angry and she's hurt about something that she's taking out on you. Try and find out what it is. Maybe she resents you.
The counsellor in me would say, you are 100% correct not to allow anything to jeopardise your own recovery and remove yourself from situations which might trigger you. It's a shame though because nothing's going to get resolved.
I really feel for you. I've had mother issues for years, she's a big part of my own messed-up-edness and at times I've wanted to scream at her. That said I've done loads of work on it, I've been open and honest with her, I've talked to her about how to avoid triggering me when I've met up with her. We get on better now than we ever have. She even stayed at my house a few weeks ago and we both survived!
It can be done, good luck. :-)
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Posts: 370
Thank you, Tufty. I will chew on what you've posted for a bit, and get my morning fog brain in order before I reply much more, lol. Your empathy and thoughtful response is appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Plath
... I used to post here fairly regularly, but became preoccupied ....
and no worries, this is a no stress zone. Post whenever you want.
Originally Posted by Plath
... My mom is not an active alcoholic. She has never been...
So that complicates my choices for forums and meetings, a bit....
So that complicates my choices for forums and meetings, a bit....
Most any ACoA meeting, in real life, online or by phone, will welcome you just fine. If you listen to people stories, and focus on the _effects_ they are recovering from while ignoring the description of the parents you will find that we are all very similar.
Originally Posted by Plath
... Now that I'm grappling with my own alcoholism,...
Originally Posted by Plath
... It's good to be back....
Mike
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by tufty13
Hi Mike, how are you these days? ...
I'm mostly good, life goes on and keeps me busy.
How's the "having fun" business? I'm trying to start up a new hobby; bird-watching. As soon as it quits raining I'll be off to the bird sanctuary. ( I know nothing about birds, it sounds terribly boring, but I'm going to give it a try ).
How about you?
Mike
p.s. oops, I just hijacked Plath's thread!!! sorry !!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by Plath
Thank you, Tufty. I will chew on what you've posted for a bit, and get my morning fog brain in order before I reply much more, lol. Your empathy and thoughtful response is appreciated.
How about addressing the most urgent issue first?
After re-reading your post, I'm thinking that might be your wavering sobriety, wavering is probably not the correct term but you sound like you - yourself are feeling a bit vulnerable to relapse at the moment?
Apologies if I'm wrong. But how about checking in on the main board?
As mike says, this one's quiet for sure.
Get some dialogue going and get some feel good vibes back in your sober bones.
Think back to what you did when you first got sober and reconnect with those things?
Are you the type of person to meditate?
Maybe feel better about yourself before dealing with your "mum stuff",
Whatever happens DO NOT give yourself an excuse to pick up.
Anyhow, I'm mindful that I'm a novice to sobriety myself so I won't try and teach grandmother to suck eggs as we say here in the UK.
However, I am sending you some thoughts and hugs and some prayers as requested.
Take care :-)
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Thanks, both of you.
And no, I certainly don't mind a bit of pleasantry in the thread! I love birds, and watching their keen little eyes, and the way they do things. Best of luck with your birdwatching, Mike!
I've been doing some basic things to take care of myself, Tufty. Standing up for myself and speaking my truth without regard to what others think about it is one of those things. I don't have to be rude or disrespectful, but part of my recovery is simply speaking for my soul, and respecting and loving myself. So that has to include removing toxic people who threaten my sobriety.
However, I did go to an AA meeting last night, and today I addressed some issues I was having with my son's teacher (which turned out to be total non-issues, based on misunderstanding and miscommunication, go figure, ha). I hence feel so much better at this point.
I was able to have a brief, pleasant conversation with my mom while passing each other at my house today, while she watched my baby and I went to pick up my son from school.
So far, so good. He's not going to her house after school, so there will be no pushing my boundaries or disrespecting the rules I've set for him as his parent.
So, for today. Problem solved.
Minimal interaction with her is good for everyone at this point. My son can still see his grandmother, we will still have a relationship, and downsizing is a good idea.
For meditating, yes...I do it as often as I'm able. Today while the baby slept and my son was at school, one of the neighbors thought it a good time to do a tremendous amount of yard word with some sort of really loud device, so that was a bit counterproductive.
I do read 12 Step literature and meditate on my spiritual beliefs when I wake up in the morning.
And no, I certainly don't mind a bit of pleasantry in the thread! I love birds, and watching their keen little eyes, and the way they do things. Best of luck with your birdwatching, Mike!
I've been doing some basic things to take care of myself, Tufty. Standing up for myself and speaking my truth without regard to what others think about it is one of those things. I don't have to be rude or disrespectful, but part of my recovery is simply speaking for my soul, and respecting and loving myself. So that has to include removing toxic people who threaten my sobriety.
However, I did go to an AA meeting last night, and today I addressed some issues I was having with my son's teacher (which turned out to be total non-issues, based on misunderstanding and miscommunication, go figure, ha). I hence feel so much better at this point.
I was able to have a brief, pleasant conversation with my mom while passing each other at my house today, while she watched my baby and I went to pick up my son from school.
So far, so good. He's not going to her house after school, so there will be no pushing my boundaries or disrespecting the rules I've set for him as his parent.
So, for today. Problem solved.
Minimal interaction with her is good for everyone at this point. My son can still see his grandmother, we will still have a relationship, and downsizing is a good idea.
For meditating, yes...I do it as often as I'm able. Today while the baby slept and my son was at school, one of the neighbors thought it a good time to do a tremendous amount of yard word with some sort of really loud device, so that was a bit counterproductive.
I do read 12 Step literature and meditate on my spiritual beliefs when I wake up in the morning.
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Good to see you back. I'm also a ACoA and remember well having to set my boundaries. I'll never forget the first time my mom crossed over and I told her "See you later" and went home. The look of awe on her face said it all and she never pushed that hard again.
My own sobriety is too important to jeopardise it with that type of behavior and its the most important thing in my life. Without it, everything else will crumble.
My own sobriety is too important to jeopardise it with that type of behavior and its the most important thing in my life. Without it, everything else will crumble.
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Oh you are brave to move back 'home.' You are even braver to use your mother as a regular person to watch your little ones!
What if you invited your mom to an open ACOA meeting? Would she recognize that she was among 'her own people'? Even if you know this is a no go for your mom, maybe you'd find some enjoyment imaging her first few meetings in your head. It might help de-fuse how she stirs you up a bit to think about how that could comically unfold. Using humor to reinforce how far you've come in your recovery is important.
All the best to you, Plath!
What if you invited your mom to an open ACOA meeting? Would she recognize that she was among 'her own people'? Even if you know this is a no go for your mom, maybe you'd find some enjoyment imaging her first few meetings in your head. It might help de-fuse how she stirs you up a bit to think about how that could comically unfold. Using humor to reinforce how far you've come in your recovery is important.
All the best to you, Plath!
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Originally Posted by Kialua
Hey nice to hear from you, sorry it's not for a good reason huh? Hope you can stick to putting out the boundaries. Glad it's working today. One day at a time.
I've been sticking well to my boundaries (with everyone in my life, which is a lovely improvement for me), and I'm almost at my 30 day marker without any mind altering chemicals that aren't prescribed and taken as directed.
It's been beautifully liberating to be able to stand tall for myself, and to speak the truth of my soul (or true self, however one chooses to word it), and not worry about much else.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
Oh you are brave to move back 'home.' You are even braver to use your mother as a regular person to watch your little ones!
What if you invited your mom to an open ACOA meeting? Would she recognize that she was among 'her own people'? Even if you know this is a no go for your mom, maybe you'd find some enjoyment imaging her first few meetings in your head. It might help de-fuse how she stirs you up a bit to think about how that could comically unfold. Using humor to reinforce how far you've come in your recovery is important.
All the best to you, Plath!
What if you invited your mom to an open ACOA meeting? Would she recognize that she was among 'her own people'? Even if you know this is a no go for your mom, maybe you'd find some enjoyment imaging her first few meetings in your head. It might help de-fuse how she stirs you up a bit to think about how that could comically unfold. Using humor to reinforce how far you've come in your recovery is important.
All the best to you, Plath!
I'm not trying to change my mom. I can only change myself, and how I react to other people. I like that, because it lifts the burden from my shoulders of thinking that I can somehow change someone else.
So I'm changing myself instead.
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I love what you said about learning something from moving back "home," Plath. I'm going to try to take that to heart. My husband and I moved back to my hometown area after 35 years away to help sibs with aged parents. Shortly after moving back, I remembered why I moved away. There are good things,like close proximity to lovely beaches, beautiful hiking areas, and being near sibs that we like, and friends, but there are negatives too. Our town and surrounding towns don't have much revenue, the schools aren't great, there are a lots of drugs all around, and it just feels like a tired little corner of the commonwealth at times. Massachusetts went for Hillary, too, so there's that. But you are right. There is a lesson here to be learned, and I am going to stop focusing on the negative and spend more energy on the positive. P.S. I understand about your mom. My first MIL was toxic. My then-husband and I limited our contact with her as much as we could to preserve our sanity.
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