elihoping

What a great topic. I often doubt my perceptions. I find it hard to trust my instincts, I'm SO indecisive and I feel I so easily take on other people's opinions and let them convince me of things that I don't believe. When you grow up in an alkie home, black was always white and I was always wrong.

It has gotten better in the last few years since I've gotten sober. I remember when I was going out with an emotionally abusive ex and someone at work asked me what my gut instinct was about him and I said "I don't have gut instinct and if I do, it's always wrong". Whereas the truth was, I hated the relationship but couldn't leave yet and didn't trust my instincts enough.

I do try and listen to myself more these days and I have a couple of people whose opinions I trust who I can run things by. Recently there was an incident in work where some of the female staff were being sexually harassed. I eventually got sick of it and reported them to the boss. The reaction from the men was extreme. It was angry and loud and manipulative and defensive and I was told in many different ways how wrong I was and how mistaken I had been until eventually I regretted ever having opened my mouth. But as I sit here, not in work, away from the chaos, I know it was the right thing to do and my perceptions were correct, even though it wasn't a popular thing that I did. And I'm learning to listen to that quiet internal voice more.

The biggest thing I find hard to shake from my childhood is the negative attitudes my parents had about everyone and the world. Everyone was always out to get them and everyone needed to be cut down to size. I really struggle to see the good in people and have kind loving thoughts towards others.

stevieg46

We really have to learn how to unlearn all damaging forcibly enforced characteristics that we inherited from a dis -functional collection of parenting and other adults that were involved in our upbringing . Alcoholic and abusive and sexually abused childhood , parents that were incapable of showing any love our affections and were quick to slap down things in a cruel fashion . That sums up my upbringing along with a religious fanatical schooling , God was to be feared , God of wrath etc , so I eventually viewed myself as a recovering catholic .

Sharing with those with similar experiences is very helpful , but firstly it has to be brought from deep down to the surface and openly discussed without fear or shame '' which were instilled from childhood '' it is freeing good for the soul .

Like AA 5th Step in some ways getting it out , clearing away the debris from the past , we cannot have a new way of life until we discover discuss, then discard > getting rid of our old ideas , handing everything over because our lives had become unmanageable , not only by drugs /alcohol/addiction / but by people places and things from the past , burst the balloon let it out let it go and let a power greater than ourselves in .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .

Turtle76

Wow... this is an amazing thread and I don't even know where to begin. While I was not raised in an alcoholic home, I came from a very dysfunctional home and I would say my father was a marijuana addict (went to jail for dealing as well )... who became alcoholic after I had left home. 3 out of 4 grandparents are alcoholic. My mother is textbook codependent. I am just now begining to accept that my childhood was abusive on many levels. I have pretended that everything was fine for years, all the while running as far away from FOO as possible and avoiding them at every turn. Oh my God how the holidays are always dreadful and painful. I just relate to so much if what us being said here.

I doubt my perceptions on a daily basis. I have had a hard time recognizing emotions and seperating what I feel from what I think and getting those two to work together. I have completely shut off my instincts and ignore them. If I would have listened to my instincts, I would have had to accept the reality of where I came from... so I turned that off and lived in denial for a very long time. And the shame of it all has been a motivating force in life, unbeknownst to me until recently.

Most people don't understand and say things like... "all family's are dysfunctional." And I dont want to say I am special or anything, but there is another level of dysfunction when you enter into abusiveness that has caused PTSD.

Something my therapist has said to me over and over that really helps.. he asks me what my "body tells me ." A decision made from Instinct... that comes from within and is right... I will feel in my body, not just know in my head. I can rationalize just about anything for the outcome I would like, but I am starting to pay attention to this little flutters within that tell me I am on the right or wrong course.

Centered3

Sorry been off the computer for a few days, I will get back to this thread shortly. :-)

entropy1964

Yes I relate Centered, very much. And more to the point, for me, was I was told what to think, feel, be, like, do....etc. so I never learned to trust my own internal feelings and perceptions. So I may have been told that what I was perceiving was wrong when it went counter to the family party line. Then I would be given my script to play by. If that makes any sense. So I had no internal foundation to fall back on.

Centered3

Hi Stevie,

It is really about unlearning, isn't it? What a good point. Unlearning the mistakes that less than perfect people who didn't know any better did. I've learned forgiveness. I just momentarily fell back into old ways of thinking...

It seems those of us taught to fear God in childhood, really suffered the most when trying to recover from this insidious disease. I am so thankful I was shown a new way of thinking about God.

Good point--I could share to get validation from others who went through similar things from now till the end of time and never get well. Losing the fear, shame, guilt, morbid reflection--you're right; that is really freeing and gets the soul/spirit healthy.

Yes that's another good point! When I shared my past via the 5th step, my sponsor helped me see things in an entirely different perspective. Plus, we brought God into my 5th step, so with His presence, I was able to see things so much more clearly.

But no one said it was going to stay like this....just another reminder to make sure I stay spiritually fit and to catch myself if I'm falling back into old ways of thinking, reaction, perceiving, etc., right? :-)

Thanks as always, Stevie!

Centered3

Yes, Frickaflip, that makes complete sense and it's exactly what I was trying to convey as my experience. We are not alone in having experienced that, and once you step out of it and see it from the outside, it takes its power away.

I've gotten a lot healthier since seeing it from an entirely different perspective from working my steps. I just kinda fell back into the muck temporarily...

Don't ever let them suck you back in. They don't mean it, they are sick, you can still love them, but be good to yourself, love yourself, trust yourself, and stay healthy.

Centered3

I'm glad you related. That's the first step, having that validation. :-) Just don't be like me, as I stayed stuck wanting that continuous validation because I couldn't self-validate for myself.

This is what it used to be like for me, too.

I completely get that and experienced that. And I too cannot stand people who invalidate the level of dysfunction I came from. I have had therapists do that, and before I was able to explain the level of dysfunction, I would shut down from their validation. YOU know the truth, and that's all that should matter.

That is cool of your therapist for teaching that to you to pay attention to what your body tells you. It's about not listening to the messages that were programmed in our minds. I was taught in AA instinct is in the soul/spirit/heart. Similar.

Good luck.

Soberpotamus

Yes, I've heard this said often by people who mean well, and want me to feel 'normal' and ok about my past. I get that they want to assure me everybody has 'craziness' going on in their families. And it's nice of them to do this. But yeah, I do think there are levels of craziness. And levels of denial, and role-playing, etc.

The thing your therapist said about making decisions on gut instinct -- I've found it to be true. Going on instinct seems to feel 'right.' And maybe not right in the sense of it always turning out well, as far as decision outcomes, but feeling 'right' as in coming from a good place, intentionally. As in, my intent and motivations are good. I may not control outcomes, but I can be free to make choices and decisions that are good for myself, and my gut usually tells me it's ok.

Whereas, a choice made for others or heavily influenced by others' opinions and for the benefit of others (while not so good for myself), doesn't feel 'good' or 'right.' Doesn't feel authentic.

Eauchiche

To quote an old movie: "The Loved Ones.",
Just yesterday, I was blasted out of my FOO "into an orbit of eternal grace."

My parents are both dead. I have 2-1/2 years sobriety. I have had a polite relationship with the two sisters I have left until yesterday.

Even though the events and nasty e-mails from the toxic matriarch were vexing, this morning I feel a tremendous sense of relief. I also feel VERY good that I stood up for myself, and didn't get sucked back into the vortex.

The actual events are less important to me, than the realization that my FOO is as sick as it ever was when my parents were alive. It is a good feeling to move on.

oldsoul112249

I appreciate this thread! Just yesterday I went to an ACOA/D meeting. I have one year sober in AA but I still feel like a child in a woman's body so I need more help. I relate to it SO well! I'm anxious to bridge the gap between who I was told I am....think I am, to who I really am. My truth.