CatInABox

Hello there, am new here. Hoping to gain some advice from people with similar experiences. Will share a little of what brings me here plus my dilemma...

I come from a family of alcohol abusers. It is both my maternal and paternal family, although the former side of the family have a longer history and have been more destructive with their drinking, while the paternal side have their drinking under control now. Nobody has ever lost a job or possessions etc. the destruction has been purely with relationships and family. Family gatherings in particular are ridiculous and I refuse to attend now, preferring to avoid what inevitably turns into a mad house of shouting, crying and insults.

That is a little background anyway, but it is my mother in particular who brings me here. Up until eight years ago, I had never seen my mum drunk. Her mother was a recovered alcoholic and her brother has had a problem with alcohol most of my life at least. But not my mum... she would have a glass of wine on a Saturday night but it was my dad at that time who was the problem drinker. They divorced in the middle of a family crisis and my mum has been drinking ever since.

When sober, we get along very well although I do worry that she treats me more like a friend or sister than a daughter. Fortunately I do not live with her and although I know she drinks most days after work, it only becomes a problem between us a few times a month. Actually, months can pass without any sign of the horrible person she becomes after three drinks. Strangely, she has very little tolerance of alcohol, so it only takes her three drinks before she turns. I will then receive a barrage of abusive texts, 30+ messages all of which are like a script because it is the same few topics every time. She says some of the most awful things and also comes across as... unhinged (for example, when drunk she is convinced that my dad plotted to turn me against her years ago which is ridiculous as I never say a bad word about her and nor does he).

This all peaked a few years ago while she was in a relationship with a pub landlord of all things. The worst was a night where I had to send her home at midnight, 20 miles from my flat in a taxi because she had become extremely aggressive and brought up the subject of my dad and her divorce once again. She was bouncing off the walls, barely able to walk, slurring yet screaming in my face. It is memories of incidents like this that make me feel very anxious the moment she picks up a can or glass now, as I know that she is only a drink or two away from becoming that person.

So my dilemma is not knowing what to do. She is fully aware of the situation and not in denial and to her credit she has definitely decreased her drinking since splitting up from previously mentioned landlord. Rather, she does not get in such a state as often. However, it hit me a few weeks ago that this might never change. I stopped keeping alcohol at my flat years ago as she would help herself to the lot when visiting, but I can't stop her from bringing her own. I ignore the texts and calls because replying only adds fuel to the fire. But I think that there has never been any consequences to her actions aside from her own guilt and sometimes a few days silence from me. So am wondering if I am contributing to the problem due to lack of consequences - I am a very tolerant person.

As I said, we get on really well the rest of the time and speak regularly. I have avoided distancing myself from her but it is now feeling like the only option. I know that I cannot change her habits but I can maybe change my response. Am I an enabler? After the usual text outbursts, she will call me with the usual "sorry it won't happen again" speech, to which I reply "sorry doesn't mean anything anymore, you need to stop drinking before it ruins our otherwise good relationship". But I do not accompany this sentiment with an action beyond not saying much for a few days. Should I change my number so she cannot contact me when drunk? This would be a last resort but I have to do something.

Am not sure what I should be doing in this situation, any similar experiences, advice, links to relevant information... all appreciated.

Sorry for the very long post! It is difficult to condense.

CatInABox

Also, I wondered whether this is posted to the correct forum as my mother started drinking when I was 20, not during my childhood?

DoubleDragons

Hi, sadly you are in the right place. I don't think I even witnessed my alcoholic mother drunk until she was in her fifties. Although she appeared to suffer from personality disorders, she was not an alcoholic when I was a child.

I don't have good advice for you, just letting you know that you are not alone. I recently went no contact with my parents because like you, I have come to the full realization that things are not likely to change and I am not sure if I have it in me to continue with the roller coaster of ups and downs that comes with her alcoholism.

Keep reading and check out the stickies. They certainly help!

happybeingme

Welcome to the adult children forum. We don't have big rules about where you can or can't post. If it looks like you will get a better response elsewhere a moderator will move it and let y o u know.

You sound like you have a pretty good handle on the reality of your situation. That is good. But, you are going to have to be firm with your mum about what you will and won't tolerate. This isn't to punish her but to protect your emotional health. As a recovering alcoholic myself I want you to know that alcoholism is a progressive addiction. Right now is as good as it is going to get. It will worsen. Unless she quits completely forever.

CatInABox

Thanks, I have been reading the stickies and other posts. It helps just to see other people talking of familiar circumstances.

Indeed, the ups and downs and anxiety waiting for the next incident is wearing me down and I feel like I've reached a turning point where something has to change , and sadly I think it will be me that makes the changes rather than my mum.

CatInABox

This is exactly the point I am at.. I want to be firm about what I will or won't tolerate but am unsure how to go about enforcing this without changing my number and leaving social occasions abruptly. Maybe this is what it is going to take.

It is interesting that you mention that it will worsen as I have wondered about this. My uncle has very similar drinking habits to my mum and has been that way for maybe 20 years. For my mum it has been about 8 years. They dont seem to get worse but don't seem to get better either. I always thought alcoholism was a downward spiral resulting in losing jobs, partners etc. As a result these habits in my family have always been accepted as normal because everyone has managed to hold down a job and whatnot, keeping up appearances for those who don't know. It only recently hit me that this is not normal. So will it get worse or can people just cruise through their life like my mum and uncle?

Kialua

Hi, sorry you have had to join our forum, but as you have found it is full of valuable information. Sorry doesn't mean anything to me either, not when it keeps happening. I found in sign language that the difference between "sorry" and "repent" is two different signs. Sorry is similar to please, but repent incorporates the sign for change. Change is in short supply.

CatInABox

I clicked on this section of the forums thinking that adult children of alcoholics was exactly as the name suggests - people over the age of 18 with parents who are alcoholics. Reading the stickies has made me wonder whether I am mistaken and that an adult child is something more complex?

CatInABox

Very beautifully put. Sorry actually angers me now, which I think my mum is realising as she has yet to apologise for the outburst yesterday.

I just made another reply to my post about the definition of adult children of alcoholics. Is it simply people over 18 with parents who are alcoholics or is there a deeper meaning? The stickies suggest that it may be the latter and so a bit confused!

Kialua

I think it's both. We have had many minors here sharing their burdens and even senior citizens that are still dealing with the ramifications of their childhood and adult life with alcoholic parents. So make yourself comfortable and see what works for you.

happybeingme

Cat it is typically adults who grew up in a home with an addicted or extremely dysfunctional parent. Sometimes neither parent has an addiction but their parents did and they brought their own childhood dysfunction onto the next generation. Sometimes there is authoritarianism, gambling, eating disorders,etc.

In my own family my father is alcoholic but it is my mother's Narcissistic Personality Disorder that brings me here.

To answer one of your other questions yes it is possible for your mother to cruise along at her current alcoholic level indefinitely but it's been my experience close relationships will always deteriorate and eventually the only ones remaining will be the ones with people who continue to support her alcoholic life. At least that has been the case in my extended family.

CatInABox

Thank you both for clarifying the definition, I was interested as this is new to me. At least, reading about it is!

Sorry for being a noob, I do not think that the etiquette is to have huge blocks of quoted text within the replies but I'm yet to figure all that out. Been a few years since I used forums, and a first from my phone!

Its weird, I read the sticky about the signs\traits of being an adult child of an alcoholic and I can say yes to most of the points. So I wonder if there is more to my situation than alcohol. My mum always tells me that my childhood was great and that it was a serious illness ay age 11 that made it difficult for me. I don't have the energy to disagree and tell her that it was difficult before that point. At that time nobody in my household was drinking. Hm, some food for thought indeed!

happybeingme

It is quite common for an ill parent to tell their adult child that their memory of their childhood is wrong. It is part of their illness. As adult children we learn to accept our truths and trust ourselves. It is part of breaking the cycle of dysfunction

tromboneliness

It does sound as though you have a pretty good handle on what's going on. I actually went through a time when my Mom treated me more as a friend/peer than as her kid, and I liked that. But in terms of the booze problem, the important thing to keep in mind is:

1. You had nothing to do with it. Three C's, etc.

but -- and this is the part that people tend to miss:

2. That means you don't have to try to find the magic bullet that will make the person stop drinking, because there isn't one. We tend to think that there must be some way we could do it -- be totally perfect, do things for them, make them as happy as possible, etc. -- and if we just got it right, that would do the trick, and they would no longer have any need to drink. Sound familiar? The thing is that they're going to drink, period. Or, if they get sober, it's their doing, on their initiative, not something they can be made to do.

So the Three C's thing -- the realization that we can't do anything about someone else's drinking -- is frustrating, but it's also liberating, because it means we no longer have to keep trying to find that elusive whatever-it-is that would miraculously take away the need to drink.

I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness" books lately -- and although alcoholism/addiction is far from what she's talking about, her categorization of people is useful. She divides us into "Upholders," who respond to both external and internal expectations (basically, people who will do anything they're either expected to do or that they want to do), "Questioners," who respond to internal expectations (and will do something only if they think it makes sense), "Obligers," who respond to external but not internal expectations (basically, they'll do things for other people but not for themselves), and "Rebels," who say, basically, scr*w the expectations, I'm doing what I want.

She says that out of all the couples she's studied, every Rebel that's in a relationship/marriage is with.... an Obliger! That's most of us....

T

makomago

Hi Cat

Welcome to the forum.

I attend meetings of the 12 step fellowship Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunctional families). There are a number of people I know who don’t ‘appear’ to have addiction in their household but who identify with the ‘Laundry List’ traits

Here is an extract from part of the opening readings from my local ACA (or ACoA) meeting;

“You may have related to our readings even if there was no apparent alcoholism or addiction in your home. This is common because dysfunction can occur in a family without the presence of addiction.”

In fact there is some emphasis on the dysfunctional element of families over and above that of ‘simple’ addiction. In fact there is a chapter in the ACA text entitled “My Parents did not drink but I can relate”!

Here is a link to ACA, which contains and extract to one other the fellowship pamphlets…

Adult Children of Alcoholics

I’ve read a bit of the thread and what you’ve written earlier to the specific post I’m responding to and some bits stand out;

“I come from a family of alcohol abusers. It is both my maternal and paternal family, although the former side of the family have a longer history and have been more destructive with their drinking”
&
“Up until eight years ago, I had never seen my mum drunk. Her mother was a recovered alcoholic and her brother has had a problem with alcohol most of my life at least.”

In my mind that is a good example of how the dis-ease of alcoholism and family dysfunction is generational in nature… i,e each person (as I have) passing on the same fear and self-doubt that exists in the alcoholic (and I speak from personal experience).

“Nobody has ever lost a job or possessions etc.”

I also attend AA meetings on account of being an alcoholic… I never lost a job or any significant possessions either! Alcoholism is merely a symptom of an underlying problem; an alcoholic is NOT merely (although does include) the archetypal image of a ‘skid row’ drunk.

“Actually, months can pass without any sign of the horrible person she becomes after three drinks.”

Such dry months were not uncommon for my mother and the three drinks/low tolerance in myself and my mother was accounted for by the fact that both my Mother and I were secret non secret drinkers i.e. I’d drink a lot without others knowing (secret) which gave the appearance of getting drunk easily when people could see (non secret).

When I cleared some of my Mums house when she was last hospitalised I found empty bottles hidden everywhere, including 4 * 1.5ltr bottles under her mattress!

As for what to do… You’ve seen the 3 c’s now I guess? and that is how I treat my mothers drinking now. When others did that to me and stopped enabling me I found recovery for myself, which as I see it is the only way recovery can work (for me).

Take it easy...

Kepakin

I feel like I'm reading something that I posted. I am going through the same thing with my mom, and it's been exacerbated by a divorce from her second husband who was abusive mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. She has always relied on alcohol as a means of having fun or for comfort, ever since I was about 8 years old, so for the last 20 years I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get her to understand that she can't keep doing that. It's so ingrained in her mind, well beyond my life, that not even her daughter is going to be able to influence her to change. Either something really bad has to happen, or by some miracle she will decide she no longer wants to live her life in misery. I'm hoping it won't be the former, but just because I can't control her behavior doesn't mean it doesn't affect me like crazy. I am driving myself insane trying to figure out where to go next. It feels like my entire life has been dedicated to worrying about her, as if somehow worrying will make any difference. I know it won't, and it's something I need to work on. But 20 years of worrying is hard to get rid of.

I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone. I can't tell you if it ever gets better or even easier. I'm sure there's a possibility it could, but right now it seems like there isn't any hope. You're still not alone.