What does "family" mean to you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
What does "family" mean to you?
What is "family"?:
I am 37 years old, have been married for almost 5 years. I have a home, a career, and soon, my wife and I will add one more to our family. As I consider my right to my own sense of value, sense of purpose, and sense of self...I wonder. What is "family" really? How do I define what that is for myself? Is "family" a group of individuals where some insist that I make choices that keep them happy? what do I give up in my life if I exchange their happiness for mine?
Some people in my life will sometimes speak as if there's an army behind them. "the family" thinks this. "the family" thinks that. You need to be reintroduced to "the family". Strange... For some reason, this is meant to carry more weight I suppose? I want my voice to speak on its own. Otherwise, I get swallowed up. I can't breathe. I am choking. I am gasping for air. I want to be myself.
I choose for myself what family means, and surround myself with it. My mother and father raised their children and defined their own family where they were no longer beholden to their parents - I have the same right...the same freedom.
I believe there are as many families as there are people. Me, my wife, her mother, her father, my mother, my father, my siblings, etc. A family for each person. My siblings, their spouses, their children, and my parents do not comprise "the family" in my life. It is simply one family amongst many.
For me, each of these families have EQUAL value. I refuse to put my siblings and mother and father on a pedestal above my wife and I. They will be treated at my level (eye to eye). No more, but no less either. As equals. I was once told that "the family" has a hierarchy. Maybe for others, but DEFINITELY not for me. As equals, or not at all.
The family I have chosen for myself (my wife, and soon-to-be daughter in October) has just as much value as my family-of-origin. I am not required to acquire approval from "the family" for my choices in my life.
Blood is thicker than water, it is said. I believe LOVE is thicker than blood. Vastly thicker. When I think of "family", I think of LOVE...first and foremost.
What is "family" for you? (personal messages are fine - I like those!)
I am 37 years old, have been married for almost 5 years. I have a home, a career, and soon, my wife and I will add one more to our family. As I consider my right to my own sense of value, sense of purpose, and sense of self...I wonder. What is "family" really? How do I define what that is for myself? Is "family" a group of individuals where some insist that I make choices that keep them happy? what do I give up in my life if I exchange their happiness for mine?
Some people in my life will sometimes speak as if there's an army behind them. "the family" thinks this. "the family" thinks that. You need to be reintroduced to "the family". Strange... For some reason, this is meant to carry more weight I suppose? I want my voice to speak on its own. Otherwise, I get swallowed up. I can't breathe. I am choking. I am gasping for air. I want to be myself.
I choose for myself what family means, and surround myself with it. My mother and father raised their children and defined their own family where they were no longer beholden to their parents - I have the same right...the same freedom.
I believe there are as many families as there are people. Me, my wife, her mother, her father, my mother, my father, my siblings, etc. A family for each person. My siblings, their spouses, their children, and my parents do not comprise "the family" in my life. It is simply one family amongst many.
For me, each of these families have EQUAL value. I refuse to put my siblings and mother and father on a pedestal above my wife and I. They will be treated at my level (eye to eye). No more, but no less either. As equals. I was once told that "the family" has a hierarchy. Maybe for others, but DEFINITELY not for me. As equals, or not at all.
The family I have chosen for myself (my wife, and soon-to-be daughter in October) has just as much value as my family-of-origin. I am not required to acquire approval from "the family" for my choices in my life.
Blood is thicker than water, it is said. I believe LOVE is thicker than blood. Vastly thicker. When I think of "family", I think of LOVE...first and foremost.
What is "family" for you? (personal messages are fine - I like those!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Cool topic, here's my personal opinion.
Family are the people who love me. "Love" in a healthy, productive way, not the garbage I got from my "family of origin". People who will take the time to _cooperate_ with me when our goals and expectations do not match, instead of "compromise". Peeps who will give 100% to a relationship / friendship that is seen as a team effort, instead of a destruction derby.
The catch is that _I_ have to be healthy enough to be able to identify, as well as provide, that kind of healthy love. I was never able to find a "family of choice" until I was well enough to contribute to one.
Family has nothing to do with DNA. That's just little blobs of chemistry helpful in identifying medical risk factors like heart disease and diabetes. Once I have filled out the relevant questionnaire on "family history" at my doctors office I have no further use for those little blobs of DNA chemistry.
Mike
Family are the people who love me. "Love" in a healthy, productive way, not the garbage I got from my "family of origin". People who will take the time to _cooperate_ with me when our goals and expectations do not match, instead of "compromise". Peeps who will give 100% to a relationship / friendship that is seen as a team effort, instead of a destruction derby.
The catch is that _I_ have to be healthy enough to be able to identify, as well as provide, that kind of healthy love. I was never able to find a "family of choice" until I was well enough to contribute to one.
Family has nothing to do with DNA. That's just little blobs of chemistry helpful in identifying medical risk factors like heart disease and diabetes. Once I have filled out the relevant questionnaire on "family history" at my doctors office I have no further use for those little blobs of DNA chemistry.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
My real family and I giggle, my "relatives" are my FOO. They are the people I see every holiday and that I don't mind to much if I look at them as interesting acquaintances. These people expect me to be a specific thing, they think they love me, they do the motions but nothing about them shows any semblance of concern for me. There is no mutual care, concern and interest in growth.
My family is the group of people who have loved and supported me through my recovery as an ACOA and who push me to be happy for me. They are the people who have loved me as much crying on the floor as the days I helped them move. They taught me what real love was and show it every day, even when they drive me mad.
My family is the group of people who have loved and supported me through my recovery as an ACOA and who push me to be happy for me. They are the people who have loved me as much crying on the floor as the days I helped them move. They taught me what real love was and show it every day, even when they drive me mad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Have you read this sticky yet? Breaking dysfunctional family patterns?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html
This really helped me realize and cemented that I had to make my own family and to depend on anyone else. I am polite my foo as I can be but I don't depend on them or expect anything from them. I didn't find a large group of people, and the ones I did find came and went with the passing of time and circumstance. Even the people that have stayed by me for decades still don't get it.
"I am going to use the example of physical violence as the pattern of family dysfunction to be avoided, but you could just as easily replace it with sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, drinking, pathological liars, narcissism, or any number of incredibly destructive family patterns. As you read through this, understand that the process of breaking free of this dynamic is the same regardless of which particular flavor of hell your family specializes in. This is not about simple annoying traits, like obsessive housecleaning, sloppy organization skills, or too much butter in the diet. This is about those big ugly patterns that destroy the heart and soul of the individuals within the family. For simplicity’s sake, I will just use physical violence because it is easy for everyone to wrap their minds around it and it does not require a lot of explanation, but feel free to insert your family’s nightmare into the formula and you will still get the basic understanding that you need.....When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance. Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems. It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your (FOO) hometown why it is that you are not going back there. It is better to be lonely then it is to have your children raised in violence (or craziness).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html
This really helped me realize and cemented that I had to make my own family and to depend on anyone else. I am polite my foo as I can be but I don't depend on them or expect anything from them. I didn't find a large group of people, and the ones I did find came and went with the passing of time and circumstance. Even the people that have stayed by me for decades still don't get it.
"I am going to use the example of physical violence as the pattern of family dysfunction to be avoided, but you could just as easily replace it with sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, drinking, pathological liars, narcissism, or any number of incredibly destructive family patterns. As you read through this, understand that the process of breaking free of this dynamic is the same regardless of which particular flavor of hell your family specializes in. This is not about simple annoying traits, like obsessive housecleaning, sloppy organization skills, or too much butter in the diet. This is about those big ugly patterns that destroy the heart and soul of the individuals within the family. For simplicity’s sake, I will just use physical violence because it is easy for everyone to wrap their minds around it and it does not require a lot of explanation, but feel free to insert your family’s nightmare into the formula and you will still get the basic understanding that you need.....When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance. Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems. It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your (FOO) hometown why it is that you are not going back there. It is better to be lonely then it is to have your children raised in violence (or craziness).
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Nice thread.
At this point in my life, family is my husband, me, our dogs and cats. I've detached from my family of origin. I'm much happier this way. That said, there is the occasional phone call or visit to my dad and granddad. But those are much less now than in the past.
My husband is free to see his own family whenever he wants. I don't like his mother at all (and she doesn't like me much either), so I stay away. She is too triggering for me. It's sad, because I'd enjoy getting to know his dad more. His dad is a slave to the wife though, and so that's not ever going to happen in this lifetime. His sister is a carbon copy of his mom. Enough said
We live an hour from his family and three hours from mine. We have a nice, cozy home with our pets, and I like it this way. They are all the family I need or want.
At this point in my life, family is my husband, me, our dogs and cats. I've detached from my family of origin. I'm much happier this way. That said, there is the occasional phone call or visit to my dad and granddad. But those are much less now than in the past.
My husband is free to see his own family whenever he wants. I don't like his mother at all (and she doesn't like me much either), so I stay away. She is too triggering for me. It's sad, because I'd enjoy getting to know his dad more. His dad is a slave to the wife though, and so that's not ever going to happen in this lifetime. His sister is a carbon copy of his mom. Enough said
We live an hour from his family and three hours from mine. We have a nice, cozy home with our pets, and I like it this way. They are all the family I need or want.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Thotful, Desert Eyes, and Payne: [and the others who responded while I was typing...:-)] Thank you for your posts... There's so much truth in them...
My "family" are my group of friends, and some members of my Parish, who have listened to me and given words of advice when I have talked about my abusive childhood. Unlike my FOO that stopped inviting me to family weddings because I didn't go to my father's funeral, or tell my my father's a "great guy" and I shouldn't feel the way I do about my past...
My "family" are my group of friends, and some members of my Parish, who have listened to me and given words of advice when I have talked about my abusive childhood. Unlike my FOO that stopped inviting me to family weddings because I didn't go to my father's funeral, or tell my my father's a "great guy" and I shouldn't feel the way I do about my past...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Really my family is only my husband and son's. If you are referring to people who love me for exactly who I am and always have my back.
I have a relationship with my sisters and their kids but I am very cautious. Simply because their own dysfunction is something I don't like dealing with.
I have a relationship with my sisters and their kids but I am very cautious. Simply because their own dysfunction is something I don't like dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
. People who will take the time to _cooperate_ with me when our goals and expectations do not match, instead of "compromise".
I'm having this general conversation with myself a lot right now. I'm staying with a cousin who is the closet person I will ever get to a loving FOO in my own generation - I'm an only child with very few cousins - and though she is loving and compassionate, her behavior is really triggery for me sometimes. She can't manage her own stress and isn't the mental health seeking type, she has MAJOR rage issues... However, her stress stems from a really tragic situation that she can't walk away from and is outside her control. So... I want her in my life, but it has been hard to maintain boundaries that protect my health. She really needs support. Sigh.
On the other hand we had a really validating talk and she talked about how she saw what my mother was doing to me when i was little (my cousin is 12 years older than me) but never thought she could do anything about it because she was a kid too, and that one of iur family's great failings was not stepping in, getting me out, and giving me the start in life my cousin had.
It's just hard for her and I to be around each other because we have, like, opposing triggers from things that have befallen us. Luckily (if that's the word) we typically have about five thousand miles between us. We're both kind of the walking wounded. Only, she screams. She has promised to try not to any more. Oy!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Yes, interesting topic. I'm not sure I know the answer, but when I was contacting my father recently, part of the reason was because he was "family" and part of that is he knew me as a kid. I don't have anyone else in my life that knew me then and I have no one to validate that the things that happened to me were real. I thought he could provide that in some small way at least but I was incorrect and I walked away realizing that in that way, I was alone. At present my family consists of my kids, my fiance and a few close friends.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Ajarlson, perhaps you can write about your truth? It helps me, to get it out on actual paper (or computer). Also, maybe talking out your truth to a therapist would help.
Anyway, I don't like giving "advice" but your story about visiting your father saddened me. I feel for you. I totally understand the need for validation, and then realizing that those people, "family", that we keep wanting it from... they might not be capable of giving it to us.
Anyway, I don't like giving "advice" but your story about visiting your father saddened me. I feel for you. I totally understand the need for validation, and then realizing that those people, "family", that we keep wanting it from... they might not be capable of giving it to us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Hugs ajarlson!!
I guess I'd add that I have some chosen family, too, in the form of a couple close best girl friends. They all live in different cities and I wish we got to see each other more, but I know they'll always be there, and they know the same.
I guess I'd add that I have some chosen family, too, in the form of a couple close best girl friends. They all live in different cities and I wish we got to see each other more, but I know they'll always be there, and they know the same.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Family are the people you choose and who choose you. They are people that you belong with, not the people you fit in with or are obligated to. They are the people who want you because they see and accept you for who you are and vice versa.
My two little girls are my family, I keep choosing my RAH so he's family, my BFF is family to me, my old neighbors are the people that I would want to take care of my kids if anything happened to RAH and I - I consider them family. My FOO and RAH's FOO, not family. They use shame and guilt to manipulate some kind of unspoken obligation. That is not belonging, it's not love and it's not acceptance. That is not any kind of family that I want to be apart of. As an adult, I have made my own family (RAH and kids) and I will continue to do so in a fashion that best suits my life. You don't get to choose your parents, but as an adult I can choose other people to be my family instead.
My two little girls are my family, I keep choosing my RAH so he's family, my BFF is family to me, my old neighbors are the people that I would want to take care of my kids if anything happened to RAH and I - I consider them family. My FOO and RAH's FOO, not family. They use shame and guilt to manipulate some kind of unspoken obligation. That is not belonging, it's not love and it's not acceptance. That is not any kind of family that I want to be apart of. As an adult, I have made my own family (RAH and kids) and I will continue to do so in a fashion that best suits my life. You don't get to choose your parents, but as an adult I can choose other people to be my family instead.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
