The Two Sides of my Mother (alcohol dependency)
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by justlike4 
Hi there. Me and my brothers have looked into AA meetings again for her but apparently if you're not an alcoholic you can't attend. As for me I think I've found some closure here, from even researching/posting this just this morning I already feel like I've have so much support from you all I'm so grateful for it. I didn't expect to have responses but I did, and I'll definitely be using this more often.
I'm so sorry to hear about your issue with your mother, it really is difficult to accept the "3C's" which I hadn't heard of until today, but you're right I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Hearing this phrase has really put my problems into perspective for me.
I can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories and helping me, I'm glad I discovered this forum and I don't feel so alone, so again thank you
X
I'm so sorry to hear about your issue with your mother, it really is difficult to accept the "3C's" which I hadn't heard of until today, but you're right I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Hearing this phrase has really put my problems into perspective for me.
I can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories and helping me, I'm glad I discovered this forum and I don't feel so alone, so again thank you
X
It's not 'entirely' true that to attend AA you have to be an alcoholic - the AA tradition states; "The only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking"
... It's the desire to stop that is the 'issue'. My Mother never had, nor does she now have a desire to stop. She has the opposite despite being diagnosed with life threatening problems due to her drinking - one more and her vital organs could 'pack in'.
My experience with AA was this; I didn't at first identify myself as alcoholic until I saw the similarities with others drinking and my own, until I read the AA fellowship text book alcoholics anonymous and then I identified myself as alcoholic.
Back to the 3C's ... I recognise (now) with my Mothers drinking, I can't cure it....
But I can do something about the effects that the dis-ease of alcoholism (a family dis-ease) had upon me. I can recover from that in addition to my own alcoholism - which is a common trait amongst adult children of alcoholics.
From the Laundry List trait 4;
"We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. "
Adult Children of Alcoholics
All the best
M
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by seasaw
I mourn the mother I used to know and the one I never had. If my mother ever completes real rehab and recovery, finds authentic sobriety or something like sanity, and becomes a person who wouldn't be abusive and toxic and could muster some sort of apology for being a total burden to me instead of a parent, I'm sure she'll find a way to let me know. I can't have her in my life without that.
I couldn't agree more with what you've just said there in terms of the above quote... I just get so fed up of the shame and embarrassment. I used to it but I've realised growing up, why should it be that way, I shouldn't have to feel these emotions... Being worried about taking friends to my house or wondering if my mum will be drunk or not when I get home from college. Me and my mothers relationship is pretty much non existent until this stops, we're more of neighbours than mother and daughter.
I don't know if it'll take for her to loose all of us before she stops or unless it would get worse without us. That's the part that worries me most.
Thank you again so much for your reply
X
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Kialua
Put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else, or you will not be able to help
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Spalding
I TOTALLY was in your shoes of fearing what would happen if I left her alone. But. Honestly, she's going to do what she's doing whether you're there or not. This kind of thinking can become really pervasive, what happens when it's time for you to live your own life? Will you choose to stay back because you need to ensure your mum's safety, essentially taking responsibility for her life?
Basically. We can't save our mums from themselves. We can't. It hurts, and it's scary. But putting your own life on hold for the sake of your mum's won't help you or her.
My mum also lives in the past, vents her anger about my dad to me, isolates (she literally has one friend who she sometimes talks to on the phone, otherwise she doesn't interact with other people than me), has major depression and anxiety and now cirrhosis. The thing that might help you is to know that she probably doesn't want to be doing what she is doing, but she is literally powerless against it. There's a lot of shame and self-hatred felt by addicts, but no matter how much prodding and pushing anyone does, they will not back down. It has to come from within, and they need to feel the consequences of their actions before it can come from within.
If you're there to clean up her messes and ensure her safety, how will she ever learn she has a problem? Or feel motivated to change?
Do what you need to for yourself. Keep yourself safe. Do at least one thing each week JUST for you, ONLY for you that makes you feel good. You can't be of any help to anyone else if you aren't of help to yourself first.
I know your pain, you're not alone in this. It's so, so tough, but I believe in you.
My eyes started welling up reading this... It feels like our situation is really similar.
You're absolutely right though, she will do it regardless if I'm there or not, it's just difficult as the thought of it terrifies me, I can't let it keep holding me back.
My mum doesn't actually speak to anyone other than me and my brothers, her lifelong friend is always trying to get in touch (sending her flowers on her birthday, writing Christmas/birthday cards every year with her phone number at the bottom) and when I tell my mum to get in touch with her she always says things like "I'll wait until I sort myself out then I'll call her" it's really frustrating, she doesn't realise that her friend is wanting to help her and won't give up on her.
My mum just has no self worth, I don't think she cares about what happens to her. I'm with you when you say she doesn't mean and and she's powerless. But my god, it's affected and damaged us all in so many ways. Whenever I'm out for dinner and see people drinking bottles of wine I get a heart wrenching/awkward feeling inside, I dread holidays like Christmas and new year now because it reminds me of my mum planning out a nice dinner then getting drunk, falling asleep then having me and my brother end up cooking. I also get a really unsettling feeling if I even walk down the alcohol aisle in a shop.
I guess growing up has taught me to not expect anything after having that feeling of looking forward to something ripped out me as a child.
You're spot on about all of this, it's just the next step for me will be difficult. The thought of being independent of my mum kills me but you're right, I can't hold myself back in life to try to fix something that's inevitably a loosing battle.
Can't thank you enough for your comment, I've gained a lot of clarification and comfort knowing someone out there is going through what I am and I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you
X
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